Happy Halloween

Alas, the bus turns around the corner and disappears by the trees! It is heading to the Marginal Tietê Freeway, then join the Castelo Branco Freeway to finally reach Campinas City. My heart pounds as I feel our distance increasing. I touch the necklace that he gave me, and kiss the little cross. Valter is real after all!

After my hot shower, I eat some of the delicacies Auntie gave me. I think of her promise and have hope. Valter’s future and happiness is now in her hands.  

I press the phone receiver to my ear and speak gently, as if to myself.   

“He’s real, Edu.”

“I bet he is, Ken.”

“It hurts so much, to be separated, dear. I feel that part of me has gone with him.”

“I just envy you guys.”

“Edu, he’ll try come back to me, for another visit.”

“I bet he will, honey.” He clears his throat. “So, have you planned a date to see each other again?” He asks. Both of us know there’s another coming holiday in twelve days. It’s going to be on Friday, which means, we’ll have three days off in a row. I smile and bite my lower lip in excitement.    

“We haven’t spoken about it yet, dear.” Actually, Valter didn’t invite me to come to his place, which is quite understandable. He lives in a stuffy old dark place. I suppose he’s too conscious about his poor condition. He’d surely die of shame if I saw how he lived, the poor dear. I feel sorry for him, for having to go through so much suffering in life.  

“I understand you, honey.”

“Valter is a poor man, and he can’t afford to come for visits often. He’s still trying to pull out of his poverty, dear.” I don’t wish to speak about Auntie’s promise to help Valter. A dark thought just crosses my mind.

What if, out of his pride, he refuses her help? This is a real possibility.

“Perhaps it was better this way, honey. Now that he is away, you both can think rationally about what to do in the future.” My dear friend Edu is surely very practical. What does he understand about matters of the heart?

In bed, I can only think of him, of our good times here, the adventure on the roof of my building, Auntie’s church experience, and our stroll in the park. I smile as I think of this strong, corpulent, and rough man holding the rose bouquet for me. I shed a tear as I think of his scarred body, sad face, and shy smile. I can only feel empathy for his broken and tormented life. To think of it, his Jason costume was befitting of him. It brought to the surface his rage and non-conformity to the injustice done to him. In contrast, his flowers, this necklace, and his love for me show a pure, strong, and noble heart.

God, how I love this man! I hold the small cross, and pray that we’ll see each other again. There’s just so much I need to tell him. I close my eyes and recite my prayer. “Good night, Valter, my dear officer!” I think it must be past ten P.M. He must be safely home by now.

On the next day, a busy Monday, I get his message as I return home from work in the evening. I sit and feel a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. He read his message, and he doesn’t have exciting news for me.

 

“It was hard, my love. I felt time was ticking for me each minute that I stayed with you. Each minute spent with you was so scarce—each second spent with you was so precious to me, like drops of refreshing water to a thirsty desert wanderer. As I saw you on that platform at the bus terminal, I wanted to run to you. I wanted to stay and beg on my knees for you to take me the way I was. I didn’t want to go back, to my dark existence again. Not after having savored your kisses, felt your delicate body so firmly pressed against mine. I felt each kiss that you blew for me. I blew my kisses and held back my tears. It was the hardest task I’ve ever done in my life, my love. You moved and touched my heart of stone. You’ve melted the ice, and made it beat with renewed hope. Now it longs to be near you again. I smiled, while my heart bled, for us both, as the distance between us only increased. The moment the bus left the terminal, I closed my eyes and cried like a child. I felt the blow of our separation crushing me. The painful vivid memories, the traumas, fears, everything held me tightly, trying to pull me back to their dark domain. Yet, I felt a spark of hope. You gave me that hope, my love. I looked out the window and saw the cold endless metropolis slowly being left behind me. Countless time have I come to visit my sister, brother-in-law, and nephews. But this time, it felt so hard to leave São Paulo behind me. I closed my eyes and recited a prayer. I prayed that, God allowing, someday, we’d be together again. Later, the bus reached Campinas Bus Terminal. I got off slowly, for I was the last passenger to get off the bus. Intimately, I was hoping to stay, and make my way back to you again, my love! I got off the bus and waited in a dark corner for the next bus to take me back home. To my surprise, I saw a young mother holding a small baby, who was deep in sleep. He must have been two years old. This young mother then spoke to an older lady who was besides her, giving her a hand with her stuff. I overheard that the young mother was actually, coming from a visit to her husband who was in jail. The poor child was born three months after the father had been arrested. I looked away and clenched my fists and teeth. I took a deep breath and boarded the bus, which would take me back to Holambra. I leaned my head against the cold glass and tried to get some sleep. No one spoke in the bus. Half hour later, I rang the bell, and got off on the dark deserted street. I looked at the mother and child for the last time, and bit my lower lip. Oh, God! How I wanted to offer them protection, and tell them everything would be all right in the end. That they shouldn’t lose faith. That her husband needed them, their touch, and love. I also thought of the kind of future they’d have. The bus disappeared from sight, and I was left alone. I could hear my heavy boots stomping on the hard pavement as I walked ten blocks down to my dark desert street. I could see the blue light by the living room window of a house. Then I heard a few dogs barking, and the rusty noise of my iron gate scrapping the cracked concrete floor. I closed it, and walked along the dark narrow path, feeling the unsteady old board under my boots. I suppose my neighbors were already in bed. I reached the back, and took out my key to open the rusty padlock. Even a child could break it and enter my place. But, what is there to be stolen? As expected, my small room was stuffy, dark, and empty. I left the door open, so fresh air would come in. So, you might be wondering how come I’m writing this long text, instead of speaking with you using my Messenger, my love. I’m going to be honest with you, Ken. Today, I had a tough day. As usual, I had to wake up early and go to the Justice Department Bureau in Campinas to report to the authorities again. I had a sandwich on my bus for lunch on my way back. I got off near the garage to start work. I was surprised to see another man working in my place. My boss asked me to follow him to his make-shift office. He handed me an envelope and told me he was sorry. I nodded, and returned home. I didn’t have the heart to, start looking for another job in the same day. I just wanted to, punch someone! I just wanted to end this agony somehow! I shed tears of frustration, anger, and despair. I fell on my knees and wept. Forgive me for writing these hard lines, my love, but that’s the truth, and I can’t hide how I feel from you, Ken. I honestly think you should go on with your life. Keep that necklace or give it away. There’s no real value in it. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

 

My hands shake as I try to summon courage to type something for this man, in reply to his, sad message. After a couple of minutes, staring at the blank screen, I cannot type. I cannot, I simply cannot pretend life is going to be all right, when Valter is unemployed, frustrated, and alone. I can’t pretend that he’ll find another job tomorrow; that he’ll save the little money he has; that we’d meet again in about twelve days. My encouraging words will seem like an offense to this man, a mockery to his endless suffering. He told me to, go on. I feel the necklace and touch the little cross that he gave me. Things will have to get better, for both of us.  

Aunt Yoko’s funeral and burial takes place on the Republic Proclamation Day, on November 15th. Mother comes, and stays at Aunt’s big house. A few cousins keep her company. After the burial, she comes to visit me at my place.

“Is this where you live, dear?” She looks around my shoebox apartment with folded arms. “What would your dad say if he saw the condition in which you live, oh, God!”

Neither of us feel hungry, and our pasta is left on the plate, getting cold.

“She said you were dating a former convict, dear.” She doesn’t look at me in the eye. I bet she’d feel more comfortable if dad were here. At least she’d have someone to shout to.   

“Yes, mother. His name is Valter,” she purses her lips, and forces something that looks like an attempt to smile.

“I don’t wish to hear anything more about this man, dear. Your father and I have already decided that we won’t accept him into our family, and that’s settled, Ken.”

“Mom, you don’t need to worry about him anymore. I haven’t heard from this man in about thirteen days. I got an e-mail after the day he left me; on the same day that Auntie met him. Since then, our communication, ceased.” I hold back my tears and sip some water. Her smile vanishes and she takes my hand.

“Just leave it the way it is, dear! I’m so glad that this man realized how unacceptable this situation is! He’s put an end to something that should never have happened. At least he’s got common sense.”

“Common sense? What do you mean by that, Mom?”

“What kind of future will both of you have? My son dating a former convict! What will others say? Oh, God, how I wish your father were here, to put sense into your head!” I shake my head and cannot hold it any longer.

“Auntie promised to help him get his job back and clear his criminal record, Mom. That way he’d try to have a clean start!”

“I’ve already heard about all this, dear.” She looks away. “She called me on that same Sunday.”

“I see.”

“Listen, son, I won’t beat around the bush with you. I’ll be quite frank with you. I told her, to forget about it. He was not worth the trouble!” Involuntarily, my tears begin to fall. That should explain Valter’s ominous silence. Now I feel it’s truly over. 

“I supposed you did this to, protect me, right Mom?”

“You’ll understand that in the long run, dear.” She takes her purse, opens it, and hands me a white envelope. “It’s for your expenses, dear. And, you don’t need to see me to the airport. I’ve already arranged with a taxi driver. Goodbye, son.” She takes her small luggage.

“Mom, in spite of everything, I love you and Dad.” We hug.               

“Mothers only want to protect their children, dear. Remember that.”

“Have a safe trip back, Mom. And send my love to Dad.” She smiles and takes the elevator. She doesn’t like parting scenes.

   Two weeks later, Mom, I, and a bunch of cousins sit in a meeting room. She promptly came to the meeting that Mr. Parreira, Aunt Yoko’s attorney, set up for all her relatives. He is going to read her will. I just feel sad, desolate, and all sorts of mixed feelings. Perhaps I just felt betrayed by her empty words. Oh, God, she was Valter’s last hope! Yet, I can’t feel anger, but admiration for her. Intimately, I knew Valter needed a push, a nudge from someone who’s lived a long hard life.   

After the reading of the will, I turn to Mom in disbelief. Everybody turns to me. I feel tension in the air. She smiles and kisses me.   

“Congratulations, Cousin Ken!” They all say. Then, they shake hands with me, and leave right away.

“Leechers! Bloodsuckers!” Mom says under her breath.

“Mom, what a thing to say about my cousins!”

“Anyway, I’m glad to know that at least now you’ll have a decent place to live.” She adds. Mr. Parreira chuckles.

“Only a place to live, Mrs. Nakamura! Your son is basically settled for life! You’ve heard about each item she’s left him in her will.”

“Do you really mean to say that her house, the apartments on Paulista Avenue, her car, and bank investments,” I turn to Mom.  

“How many apartments did the document list, Mr. Parreira?” Mom smiles.  

“Six in total, madam.”

We then take a taxi to the Bank of Brazil branch where Auntie had her account in. I think it was the same agency that she worked for until she retired.  

“You’d better deposit this life insurance check right away, dear. It’s not safe to be walking around the city with, well, so much money,” her hands are shaking.

We enter the bank and speak with Mr. Tanaka, the manager. We present to him the papers that Mr. Parreira presented to me.

“Oh, my condolences, Mrs. Nakamura and Mr. Nakamura Jr.” He bows and shakes our hands. We enter his office and he checks on the computer screen. His eyes widen and he gasps. Then, he rings his secretary, who brings a bunch of papers for me to sign.    

One hour and half later, we leave the bank and have some coffee at a quiet restaurant.

“Wasn’t Mr. Tanaka kind to stay until this hour with us in the office, Mom? The bank was already closed to clients.” I smile and sip my coffee.

“Gosh, I never thought Yoko-san was a rich widow!”

“I bet no one knew about it, Mom.”

“You just have to watch for your cousins, dear! I bet they’re dying of envy right now.” She shakes her head. “And watch for that man, what’s his name again? The former convict?”

“It’s Valter, Mom. And stop calling him that. Just call him by his name, Mom!” I sigh. “I haven’t heard from him since, well, that e-mail that I spoke to you about.”

“That’s much better this way, dear. But I warn you, I bet he’ll try to contact you as soon as he finds out that you’ve become rich, son.”

“I’m afraid I’ve already lost him, Mom.” I look away. Damn it! My throat catches. I don’t want to cry in front of Mom. I take a deep breath and speak matter-of-factly. “He’s terminated his Facebook account. When I finally tried to send him an e-mail message, it was already too late, for I got a message telling me his account was terminated.” I dry my tears and bite my lower lip. I feel her hand on my shoulder.  

“You do, well, love him, don’t you, son?”

“What’s the point of speaking about love now, Mom? Listen, I’m fine. I mean, I’ll be fine, honestly.” I don’t look into her eyes. She strokes my hair.  

“Well, I know I’m acting against my better judgment. But, have you tried contacting his sister? He has one, doesn’t he?”

“What?”

A bit over a week later, on a Saturday mid-afternoon, I decided to give it a try.  

The house is modest and very old. This area still has some Italian restaurants that are ancient and traditional. One just needs to watch for criminals while visiting the Bixiga Neighborhood. I check the address and ring the doorbell. I look around for neighbors. No one. I ring it again, and somebody finally opens the window.

“What do you want?” This chubby middle-aged lady demands. She’s holding a baby in her arms. I just hope I didn’t wake the poor thing. 

“Hi, miss. I’m a friend of Mr. Valter Penna. I came to check if you have any news of him.” She eyes me suspiciously. Another child stands by her in the window.    

“Are you Ken?” I blush and nod emphatically. Gosh, could Valter have told her about me, about us? Possibly.

“Yes, I am.” I speak shyly. She leaves the window and shuts it abruptly. I wonder what I should do now. Perhaps our meeting is now over. Just then, the front door opens.

“Come in!” I open the rusty iron gate and approach her door. A black cat comes out. “Macabéia, come back to the house!” She takes the cat and turns to me. “Come in quick or this stupid cat is going to escape again!”

I follow her into this dark crowded living room. I find toys everywhere. The coffee table is overflowing with baby bottles, bibs, binkies, toys, etc. She picks up a few children’s clothes from the sofa and gestures for me to sit. I also find a bible on the arm of the sofa.  

“Thanks, miss.”

“You can call me Judite.” She eyes me suspiciously. Valter told me she’s quite religious, and nosy. So, I don’t expect much sympathy from her.  

“Thank you, Judite.” I smile. I see another boy by the hall. Valter told he had two nephews.

“If you want to know about my brother, well, he doesn’t live in Holambra anymore, thank the Lord!” She raises both hands to the air and looks up, as if looking at God Almighty above the clouds.  

“No?” I gulp.

“By the hand of God, a miracle happened! People from the police contacted him again. Apparently, some big shots from Brasília were involved. He even had to fly to Brasília and have a meeting.” My heart pounds and my hands begin to shake. I have tears in my eyes. I gulp.  

“A meeting, in the capital city of Brazil?” That’s the city where politicians live. 

“Yep! Then, he came back and got his gun, badge, and uniform back!” Her eyes are shining. I bet she’s holding her tears of joy too. “The last I’ve heard from him, he’s also got a big compensation from the lawsuit against some guys. I think their names are Otacílio and Raposo. My friend Gláucia, who attends my church, was also tried. The poor thing got two years in jail! I still have no clue how he got those big shots to protect him. He says he can’t speak about that, for it’s confidential information.” I nod and stand up to go. 

“I-I should be going, Judite. Thank you for letting me in.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t serve you anything.” I shake my head and smile. I turn to the kids, then look at her. “Can I ask you a big favor, Judite?”

“You want his new address in São Paulo?” She looks stern. I shake my head, and take off the necklace I have. I hand it to her the most precious treasure I have in this life.  

“Please, Judite, keep it. And don’t tell him I was here.” She takes my hands and kisses them.

“You’re doing the right thing, young man!” She shakes her head as she admires the necklace. She kisses it and smiles. “I’ll forbid the children from speaking anything to him about this visit. Go in peace and God bless you!”    

As I reach the street, I feel the faint warm breeze, the traffic, and the noise. I call a taxi and head back home right away.

“Hello, Edu?”

“Oh, hi, dear!” We chat for a bit and I tell him of the great news. Then, he asks me why I did what I’ve done. “I don’t know, dear. Perhaps it was better for us this way. Intimately, I bet he wishes to protect his family and me. There could be trouble ahead, for he’s got involved with big shots and dangerous people. Officers know of danger and want to protect others.” I take a deep breath, and realize Mom was right after all. Moms always are. 

On December twenty-first, we have a cool lunch at a steak-house downtown. We exchange gifts and take many photos together. All the teachers receive some nice porcelain coffee mugs, and a Christmas box of goodies from our boss. We all hug each other and leave.

Karina, who is our school receptionist and a short lady, walks with me back to the subway station.

“How come you’re not driving your old Mercedes, Ken?” She is struggling to carry her heavy purse and the Christmas box.

“Drive in this kind of traffic, honey? Are you out of your mind? Besides, I rarely drive. I guess I prefer to take public transportation, dear.” We reach the crowded square.

“You’re right, honey. Hey, look! They’re having a Christmas concert! It’s the Military Police Choir, dear!” My heart pounds.

“Let’s watch the men sing, dear!”

“I’m afraid I can’t, Ken. My family is waiting for me. You know how the kids are at home, now that the school semester is over!” We hug and kiss. “Have a great Christmas and New Year, dear! And see you again next year for the new semester!” Then, she goes to the Liberdade Station.    

I turn to the crowd and join them. The male choir sings beautifully! I notice the big Santa ringing his bells merrily. I smile and have tears in my eyes. I also notice him wearing some black heavy boots, the same ones that the police wear. He’s also a cop, but wearing a Santa’s costume. The poor man must be dying from our Brazilian heat.

The concert ends and we all clap our hands. I smile and find an empty bench to sit. What a lovely evening! I’ll never forget this day!

“Ho-ho-ho! Mind if I sit here?”

“Oh, sure Santa!” I can hardly believe how big Santa is. “The concert was just beautiful, Santa.” He nods. Another officer comes our way.

“Hey, Officer Penna! Come for the official photos!” The choir officer says. Just then, the penny drops. I turn to Santa and look into his eyes.

“Valter!”

“Ken!” I take off his hat and admire his now bald head, familiar scars, and eyes full of tears.

“I-I can’t believe it! It’s you, dear!” I can’t hold back my tears. I also feel his big strong arms around me.

“I-I saw you and,” he wipes his tears. “Oh, God! I wanted to surprise you, Ken!” He smiles.

“Hey, Officer Penna!” Valter waves, then smiles to me.

“They’re calling you, dear.”

“Can you wait here, Ken? I shall be back shortly!”

“Of course, dear!” He puts back his fake long beard and hat on. I notice this big strong Santa posing for photos with the other officers. People also want their pictures taken with him. I shake my head and just remember this uncanny experience. The first time I met this man in person, he also wore a costume! He wore his Jason costume and held a rose bouquet in his hand. Now he’s holding some bells and ringing them happily, drawing the children to him. He turns to me and I wave.  

Santa poses for pictures, and people are thrilled to hug him. Then, he takes off his hat, beard, thick black belt, and his big red coat. He speaks to a couple of officers, puts on his officer’s hat, and joins me. He looks stunning and proud in his uniform.                       

“Ken,” he sits beside me.

“Valter,” we look into each other’s eyes.

“At last,” he takes my cold sweaty hands.

“Yes, dear.”

“My sister,” he looks down.

“I know, dear.” I smile.

“About your aunt,” he looks down. I nod.

“She’s kept her word, dear. Poor dear Auntie!”

“I’m sorry about her departure.” I nod.

“I-I got your e-mail,” he nods.

“Back then, I didn’t know,” I put a hand on his broad shoulder. He leans to me and I give him a hug and kiss his head.  

“That’s ok, dear.” He nods.

“Do you still,” he embraces me.

“Yes, dear. I haven’t forgotten you, Valter.” He looks into my eyes.

“No?” I shake my head.

“No, dear. Though I’ve, returned the necklace to your sister, I still love,” he wipes my tears.  

“Then, I should ask it back from her, love.” He smiles. “Well, I also had a strong reason to remain away,” he strokes my cheek.

“I know you had to, dear. Your sister told me.”

We admire the Christmas lights, crowds of people shopping, kids everywhere, and feel the gentle breeze.

“Ken, are you, free tonight?” He clears his throat.

“I am, officer.” He smiles.

“Now I own a car, a used one.” His tears sparkle with the Christmas lights. I think he sees my eyes welling up too. I wipe them for him. “Now, I can take you to places.” I nod.

“Dear, Auntie left me her old car.” We both smile.

“That car is a treasure, love.”

“Do you like it, dear?” He nods. “Then, it’s yours, officer!”

“And what about you?”

“I’ll buy another one.” He nods. “She’s also left me settled for life, dear.”

“You deserved it, my love.”

“You also deserved to have your job back, officer.” I touch his badge.

“Listen, why don’t we put everything in my car? We go to my place to get changed. Then we go to your place so you can get changed as well. We could go out, enjoy the evening, perhaps have dinner out. What do you say?”

“That would be great, dear!”

We cross the avenue and enter the dark private parking lot. Valter greets the security guard and we enter his used black car.

“I like your car, dear.” He smiles as we buckle up.

“I got a new one for me. Then, decided to swap it with my brother-in-law’s old one. I suppose he needs the car more than I do.” I take his big furry hand, and feel a scar.

“It was a beautiful gesture, Valter.”

“That was the least I could do for them, now that,” he looks down. “Now that everything is settled with me as well. I got my job back. I’ve also won the lawsuits against Raposo and Otacílio. They haven’t been arrested, like Gláucia was, but they lost their seats in the government. Each had to pay me a hefty compensation.” He clenches his fists and teeth. “The bastards!” He slams his big hands on the steering wheel.

“It’s now over, dear.” His eyes are wide open and his nostrils flaring. “Take it easy, dear.” He nods.

“I-I’m sorry, my love. When I think of them and what they’ve done to me, it really makes me lose my cool.”

“We can talk about it, dear.”

“Of course.” I stroke his balding head and his scars.

The drive to his place takes a while because of the heavy traffic. He says he lives downtown, not too far from his sister’s house. People enjoy shopping at night during this time of the year. Valter is surprisingly calm behind his steering wheel. He signals and enters an underground garage of this dark building. To my surprise, we go down three floors, to a huge dingy place. I see several company vans, forklifts, and huge crates and boxes all over the place. We get out of the car and head to a very ancient dark elevator. He uses a key and opens the rusty folding iron door. We step in and he closes it with a loud bang. I look around and see a crank and large buttons. He presses one and uses the crank to stop on the desired floor. We stop at the second floor, but I felt like ridding an eternity to get to his floor. The elevator makes all sorts of metallic scrapping noises. He unlocks the iron door, which looks like bars from a prison cell. We walk down a dark cold hall. It feels more like being in an abandoned factory than a residential building.

“This place used to be a government’s bureau. Then, it was converted into apartments. I mean, a few apartments.”

“Who else live here?” We pass many doors.

“On this floor, only me.” He explains that the other doors are storage for old government files and moldy papers. “Only ten people live in this entire building. We’re sort of isolated here. But it’s safe, though.” I nod. “The few living units have thick insulated walls. You can actually fire a gun and the neighbors won’t hear you.” I nod.

“This feels more like being in the Batcave, dear.” He chuckles. We stop by a black iron door. It looks more like a door of a furnace or a submarine. He unlocks and opens it. I can hardly believe how thick it is. He turns on the lights, but it’s quite dim and his apartment still looks dark. It takes a bit for my eyes to adjust to the light.

The walls and ceiling are painted black. The floor is also dark. This living room is empty. Just then, I notice a black coach. That’s the only furniture in this desolate place. He shows me the long hall.

“This looks more like a hospital ward, dear.” He smiles.

“With black painted walls and floor, you mean.” I nod. The entire place is bare of furniture, decoration, anything personal.

“This is the bathroom, if you need to use it.”

“Thanks, dear.” I push the heavy door and don’t close it, afraid that I might get locked here. I turn on the light, but it doesn’t work. I try the switch again and find candles on the sink. I find a lighter and light a very old half spent candle. I look around the place and don’t see the end of the room! I feel the draft coming from what appears to be an inexistent wall. But I think it stretches to another room. I see no window. I sit on the toilet and try to find the shower. There isn’t one here.

After I’m done, I flush, and turn on the tap. It doesn’t work. I blow the candle out and leave this place. I go down the long hall and hear Valter showering. I knock on the door.

“Come in!” He shouts.

“Dear, I need to wash my hands.” I notice his lit candles.

“Sure! You can use the tap here!” I notice this huge furry man under the water. His shower curtain is torn. I look at the mirror, or what has been left of one. I find shreds of broken glass on the counter. I wash my hands and cannot find a soap bar. The old tap is hard and rusty. The yellow-stained sink is also clogged.

“I’m done, dear. I’ll wait for you in the living room.”

“You can wait for me in the bedroom, love. It’s at the end of the hall, the fifth door to your left.”

“Sure.” I walk down the hall and count at least seven doors. I try each one, but they’re locked. I go back and find the fifth door, which is unlocked. I open it and enter this dark bedroom. I find no light switch. I wonder if I should venture here, on my own. I step in slowly and adjust to the darkness. I find a lamp and turn it on. The light is dim, but enough so that I can inspect this place. I find a mattress on the floor, and his bed is unmade. I find several pairs of boots scattered around. I find no closet, mirror, nor paintings on the wall. I don’t even find a window. Instead, I see clothes scattered around.

“You can sit on my bed while I get dressed, love.” He throws his wet towel on the pile of clothes. I turn to him and smell of soap. He still looks big, muscular, and hairy. “Now, I’ve got to find a clean pair of briefs.” He searches in the pile of clothes on the floor.

“How long have you, been here, dear?”       

“Well, since I’ve moved from Holambra, this is my fifth place.” He puts on a familiar navy blue Polo shirt. I check his armpit. “What are you looking for, my love?”

“This shirt is torn under the other armpit, dear.”

“Damn it! That was the only clean shirt I had!”

“Maybe I can help you find something.” I find a black T-shirt, pick it up, and sniff it. “I’ll see if I can find another one for you, dear.” He sits on the mattress with folded arms.

“It’s useless, Ken. I haven’t had time to do my laundry lately. I think I’ve lost a lot of stuff moving from one place to another. I’m tired of unpacking my stuff and moving places.”

“I see. Well, just take a look at this one!” I find a yellow Polo shirt. I check the armpits and they’re still intact. “Well, this one is a bit wrinkled, but,” I shrug my shoulders.

“Thanks, my love.” He puts it on and I just pray the armpit part won’t split, for I can tell this man is too big for his clothes.

“I’ve only got these fatigue pants. I haven’t washed them since I’ve bought them. But hey, they’re good to go.” I nod.

“I’ll certainly have to give you a hand in organizing this place, dear.” He shakes his head.

“Don’t bother, my love. I’ll soon have to move out again.” I turn to him.

“Valter, is there something you’re not telling me, dear?” I stroke his bald head.

“Ken,” he looks down. “Now that I’ve got money, I can’t buy a unit for myself. It’s nearly impossible because of bureaucracy. After all, I was a former convict, though my name has been cleared. Try talking to these brokers. They always invent an excuse for not doing business with me. Also, no one in their right mind would want to rent a place to someone like me. I’ve been to different places, and, no one can bear to have me as their neighbor.”

“Dear, do you mean to say that you’ve been evicted from all these previous places?” He nods.

“I was politely asked to find another place, my love. No one can put up with a man like me.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, dear.” He nods.

“I wish I could be just like an average guy, a normal one, my love. But, I’m just a social misfit, love.”

“But what do your workmates say about you at the police station, dear?”

“I can do my job fine, my love. I follow the rules and feel fine being an officer. But, in my private life, I’m just a mess. I know I cannot bear the isolation, the guilt, the traumas, my love.” He looks away. “I-I’m doing therapy three times a week, my love. But it’s been tough for me.” 

“You’re fine to me, dear.” I kiss his head. He forces a smile.

“You’re the only one who can put up with me, my love.” We embrace and kiss on the mouth.

“You’re my handsome officer, Valter.” He smiles.

“I’ve missed you so much, love. It hurt so much to be away from you all this time. Now that I have my career back, a good provision in the bank, I-I still feel lost, my love.”

“I feel the same way too, dear.” I stroke his face. “But now that I’ve found you, I can’t let you go, Valter. You’re my officer!” We kiss.

“And you’re my angel, Ken!”

“Shall we go, dear?”

“Of course, my love.” The moment we leave his underground garage, I feel an immense relief and sigh.

“Do you still live in your shoebox apartment, love?” I nod.

“Yes, dear. But I’m already packing my things for the move.”

“Are you going to move to your aunt’s house?”

“Yes, dear. Somebody has to take care of that house. It’s been left on its own for a while.”

“If you need help, I can give you a hand, my love.” I kiss his cheek.

“You’re such a darling. Are you sure you won’t mind the job? It’s tough work.”

“Not at all, my love.” He stops at the red light. “Listen, in case you need company, I could, you know. Perhaps you’ll have a spare bedroom, for an anti-social guy like me.” He grins. I turn to him.

“Would you really like to move in with me, dear?”

“Yep! I’m already planning to move out again. I’ve received a couple of complaints and have been evicted again.” I kiss his cheek again. Somebody behind us hunks.

“Ops, the light is green!”

We reach my building, and Mr. Souto greets us. He looks at Valter and nods.

“Good evening, gentlemen!” He smiles.

“Good evening, sir!” Valter waves his big hand.

“Hi, Mr. Souto! This is Valter, my boyfriend!” Mr. Souto smiles and we go up the stairs. We cross the main well-lit hall. A couple of ladies stop talking and turn to us.

“Good evening, ladies!” Valter nods. They wave and nod to us. “Nice Christmas decoration, by the way.” He forces a smile. Then, Ms. Silva and Ms. Vieira call me.

“Excuse me for a second, dear.” I hand my things to Valter. 

“Sure, babe.” He stands in the hall and admires the Christmas decorations.

“Hi, dear! I see that you’ve brought a friend to the Christmas party!” They say.

“Oh! I’ve totally forgotten about it! The party is tonight, isn’t it!” That should explain the big commotion in the hall.

“You’ve got to come, dear! Mrs. Souto and the other ladies, us included, have spent a great deal of time preparing for this big event. It’s going to be a shame if you don’t show up, love!” I turn to Valter and call him.

“Valter, dear, there’s going to be a Christmas party tonight at the condo. Now I remember. I’ve prepared a nice lasagna, which is in the freezer. Anyway, would you like to attend it?” Everybody turns to him.

“Sure, why not!”

“That’s settled then! You just need to bring a dish or dessert.”

“I’ll bring my lasagna, dear!” I take Valter’s hand and head to the elevator. He calls it and we wait. “I’m sorry about this, dear. You must be hating me for putting you in the spot.” He remains stiff.

“That’s all right, Ken.” I know it isn’t. We enter my apartment and I close the door.

“Wow, what happened here, my love?” He looks around the place.

“I’ve already packed some of my stuff in boxes, dear.” I take the bags from Valter and put them on top of some closed boxes. The intercom rings. “Hello? Oh, Mrs. Souto? Yeah, we’re coming to the party later. Thanks for the invitation. Yeah, I’ve already spoken to Ms. Vieira and Ms. Silva. We should join you in half hour. Bye!” I turn to Valter and shrug my shoulders. He takes me in his arms and we kiss passionately.

“My sweet angel!” He forces his tongue inside my mouth.

“My hot handsome officer!” I am about to lift his Polo shirt to help him strip, when I remember I’ve got a lasagna to put in the oven.

“I know, babe. We can do it later.” He grins.

“All right, officer!” I open my freezer, and take out a large homemade frozen lasagna. I stuff it in the oven and set the timer for twenty minutes. We also take a box of ‘panettone,’ or fruit cake to take along. I change my shirt for a red one.

“This is like a dream come true, babe.” We look out the window and admire the city lights.

“It is, Valter dear.” We kiss.      

“So much has changed, my love.” I nod. “And next year, we’ll be sharing the same house.”

“Valter, where do you usually spend Christmas and New Year’s holidays?” He looks outside again.

“In the past years, with my folks in their old house. Then, with my sister and her family. Lately, I’ve spent it on my own, babe.” He looks at me. I take him in my arms. “What about you, my angel?” He forces a smile.     

“I usually travel to my parents’ farm and spend part of my vacation there.”

“When are you going to travel, my love?”

“In two days, dear.” He nods. He hugs and kisses me.

“In a way, we’re always being separated, my love.” His throat catches. He has tears in his eyes. “I need you, Ken. I love you! Your officer needs you, babe!”

“I also need you, Valter, my sweet officer. I love you, dear!” We hear the neighbors outside. They’re probably heading to the Christmas party.

“Maybe we can also join the others, babe.”

“Sure, dear.” I wrap the lasagna with foil paper. The glass tray is super hot, and I use my thick oven gloves to carry it. Valter has offered to do it, but I asked him to carry the ‘panetone’ and apartment keys instead.

“It’s going to be a cool party, dear. I hope you like it.”

“I’m sure I will, my love. Are you sure you don’t want me to carry this lasagna dish for you?”

“I’m fine, dear.” We get off the elevator and head to the party hall.

I can hardly believe how crowded it is. I join the ladies and help them set the big buffet table. Valter, who’s a big man, helps the guys to hang the last Christmas decorations, and set up the round folding tables and endless chairs around.

More people join us and bring more dishes. Mrs. Souto then takes her microphone and greets everyone. Her message for Christmas is quite moving and Valter puts his arm around my shoulder. Then, the party starts. Mr. Souto, who’s the DJ, plays some Christmas carols. We help ourselves to the food. Valter takes some potato salad, rice, roast turkey, and a piece of lasagna. I couldn’t find more lasagna, so, I steal pieces from his plate. We are sharing a table with my neighbor and her kids.

“We remember you!” A girl says.

“You’re Jason!” A boy says.

“Don’t mind the kids!” Miriam says.

“The food is quite delicious, dear.” I comment, while stealing another piece of lasagna from Valter’s plate. The kids watch us.

“People really like your lasagna, dear.” Miriam smiles. “It was gone before I could take a piece.”

“I got a piece!” A girl smiles.

Valter and I then excuse ourselves and yield our seats to some older ladies who have come later. All the round tables are taken and more people keep on coming. I give the ladies a hand at replenishing the food on the table. Valter helps collect some empty disposable plates and plastic glasses.

“This party is surely a great success, Mrs. Souto!” I smile. She is having some dry red wine.

“I wasn’t expecting so many guests, dear. Do you think there’s enough food for everyone?”

“I think so, dear.” I look around and don’t see Valter. Perhaps he went to the toilet.

I move to the table where Ms. Vieira and Ms. Silva are chatting with some ladies. They are dying to know more about Valter. I blush and kiss them.

“He’s the sweetest boyfriend, dear.” We all smile.

Then, I excuse myself and talk to an older friend, who’s sitting with her family by another table. She is also a language teacher. She says the food is amazing. She said she brought some baked kibbeh, which I obviously couldn’t find, for it was long gone.

“I’d really love to introduce you to my boyfriend. But I don’t seem to find him.”

“Perhaps he’s outside smoking. I know Viriato is.”

“But I thought you said he quit it a long time ago, dear.” She shrugs her shoulders.

“He says it’s the stress from the bank!” I excuse myself and go out to look for Valter. A bunch of people are smoking, drinking, and chatting outside.

“Excuse me, have you seen my boyfriend? He’s a big man in a yellow Polo shirt and fatigues.”

“Oh, I think I saw him by the pool, by himself.”

“Ok. Thanks!” I rush to the pool area, which is dark. I bet Mrs. Souto didn’t want to have the party here, for fear that drunk people might, well, you get the picture. I find him sitting on a reclining chair with his hands supporting his head. I sit by him and put my arm around his broad shoulder.

“I came here because,” he cannot finish, for I am already giving him a hug. I stroke his head and kiss it.

“That’s all right, Valter dear.” We hear the Christmas songs from the distance.

“C-can we spend the night at my place, love? I-I can’t stand the noise.”

“Of course, dear.” We go back to the party to collect my glass pan. I speak with Mrs. Souto and we kiss.

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Valter!” She says. Then, we return to my kitchenette and he looks down.

“I’m sorry, my love. You must be thinking I’m a total social misfit.” I take him in my arms and kiss him on the mouth. He strokes my hair and looks into my eyes. “You don’t have to do it, Ken. You don’t have to go back to that dungeon that I’m buried in.”

“But I want to, officer.” We both smile.

Back to his dark Batcave, he helps me take my carry-all with some clothes and personal items, and some bags of groceries. He helps me put the food away. Then, we go to his bedroom. 

“Is it always this quiet here?” He smiles.

“Yes, babe.” He kisses me. “At last, we’re alone.” He strips. I take off my clothes and we kiss.

“I missed you so much, officer.” I run my hands over his furry muscular back, feeling his scars. He runs his big callused hands over my back, grabbing my buttocks. I also grab his solid firm buttocks, feeling the branding marks. To my surprise, his big fat cock remains soft. I run my hand over his furry heavy chest and pinch his protruding tits. He closes his eyes and groans, like a beast.

This lumberjack beast is just huge! I bury my face against his fur and sniff his musky armpit. I kiss his belly, belly button, and bury my face against the forest of thick long pubic hair.

I take his big limp cock and kiss it. No reaction. I fondle with his large heavy balls and kiss each. His cock remains soft. I stand up and look into his eyes. We kiss again, and he hugs me.

“I-I’m sorry, babe. I guess I’m feeling too tired tonight.” He looks away.

“Valter, dear. I can sense there’s something you’re not telling me. What is it? Can we talk about it?” He looks down, then nods. 

“Yes, love.” He takes my hand and guides me to his bed. He then goes to another room and brings his new laptop computer, which is already on.

“What is it, dear?”

“Gustavo sent me some photos a while ago. There’s also a video.” He hesitates for a second, then closes his laptop. “Ken, when I lost my job as an assistant mechanic. Well, it was on a Monday, a day after we met for the first time.” He sheds tears. “I was desperate. I searched for a job in Holambra, and then in Campinas, but without success. I already had some bills to pay, and was running out of money. I didn’t want to sell my used computer. That was the only way I could still keep in touch with you. Well, as I ran out of options, I, well, contacted Gustavo.”

“I see.” I gulp. He looks away.  

“He used to go to the same church that my sister still goes to this day, in São Paulo. As he was living in Campinas, he contacted me, offering me money for,” he gulps.  

“Was he the man who requested you open your webcam, dear?” He nods.

“Not only did he request I open the webcam, but also, meet in person,” he looks down. “I-I sort of woke up two days later in this abandoned house. I was naked and my entire body was sore. I couldn’t speak nor move a single muscle. Only in the evening, I could stand up.” I dry his tears. “I don’t remember how I managed to get back home. I probably walked back. I found some money in my pants’ pocket. On the following day, at four P.M., I washed myself and realized I’d been raped. Since then, Gustavo would contact me for these meetings. He was blackmailing me with the intimate photos and videos online of what we did. I should say, what they did to my body.”

“Was he the only one involved in this crime, dear?” He shakes his head.

“Two more men were involved, Ken. The pastor, and his adopted son.”

“Oh, dear!”

“Later, as I was contacted by the police and some political authorities, who were to help me re-evaluate my criminal case, Gustavo, the pastor, and his adopted son disappeared. They probably thought I had contacted the police to report them. But, of course I omitted this recent case, for fear of a new scandal.” He wipes his tears. “I got my job back, went to court to sue Otacílio and Raposo, won the lawsuit, and moved to São Paulo. Gustavo, the pastor, and his adopted son were free for a while. Later, I heard rumors that they were caught with some minors. Apparently, I was not the only one doped, filmed, photographed, raped, and discarded like trash. They’re in jail right now. The photos I have are in the hands of the police. This criminal case has been terminated, Ken.” I put my arm around Valter and he hugs me. “Since then, I-I have become like an automaton, Ken. My self-esteem has suffered a great blow. I’ve become a man with two faces. During the day, I’m this fierce, obstinate, courageous officer. When I’m at home, at night, I’m this dummy who is totally lost, and feels like dirt, with no value.” He turns to me. “This is why, I feel impotent, Ken. I feel this blockage in my head and cannot even jack off without feeling all sorts of disgusting things in the pit of my stomach. At times, I feel my cock getting hard. When I stroke it, I just lose it, Ken.”

“I understand you, dear.” I stroke his hair and kiss him. “You’re my wounded officer. Let me take care of you, dear.”

“I-I feel that you’re my last hope, my love.” 

“I understand you, Valter dear. And it’s taken you a great deal of courage to open up with me.” I kiss his head, stroke his scalp, and kiss him.

“Do you find me worthy of your love, babe?” I kiss his head again.

“Of course you are, dear. Valter, I love you. And I can’t live without you, my dear officer.”

“In this case, I really want to continue with my therapy, my love. At times, I don’t feel any progress at all. But, in a way, it’s given me the chance to voice my fears, which is deep-rooted in my, my lack of self-love.”

“You’ve got to believe in love, dear. Also, a certified professional can do wonders for you. Then, I truly believe you’ll be able to get on your feet again, dear.”

“But, can you wait that long, my love? The effect or result of such therapies might only come after a while. It might take months maybe.”

“No matter how long it takes, I’ll wait, dear. If you want, we can even sleep in different bedrooms. Like I said, Auntie’s house is large and has at least two guest bedrooms.” He turns to me.

“Do you really want to do that, my love? Won’t you mind having me as a house-guest only?”

“Why not, Valter? At least I’ll be able to watch you, take care of you, and be together. You can talk to me about your worries, concerns, also joys, and pleasures, dear. If you allow me, we can take this new journey together. What do you say, officer?” He smiles.

“I really feel like I’m in the middle of a dream. I really feel I don’t deserve your love, the time you’ve spent with me, and you dedication to me, Ken. Thank you, babe! You’re making my life worth living. And surely, let’s take this new journey together.” We kiss on the mouth.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything, dear. It’s my pleasure being here with you.”

“My love, can we sleep together tonight? I may not function as a man, but I really miss you in bed.”

“Of course, dear. Like I said, there’s no rush for anything. We’ll take out time.” We kiss and get ready for bed.

He teaches me how to operate his complicated bathroom light switch, faucets, door, his temperamental toilet bowl, not to mention the heavy solid door. We brush our teeth, and head to bed.

“May I put my arm around you, love?”

“Sure, dear.” He puts his arm around me and I close my eyes.

This place is surely quiet. It feels almost like Dad’s farm at night. One would hear absolutely nothing outside. It’s so quiet here that I could hear a pin fall on the floor. I feel Valter’s furry warm body, his quiet breathing, and I feel at home.