Eden

“If you’re tired of pretending this didn’t happen and that didn’t happen, what do you want to do about it?”

- Javon Harrison

He quit the hospice that day.

“You are young,” his boss said. “You are young and it’s still summer. The world is full of life.”

“I wanted to look death in the face,” Pat said.

“And you have,” Maria said. “You looked it in the face when your mother died. You didn’t have a choice. Now you do have a choice, and pardon me for telling you what to do, but now is the time to look at life.”

“I wanted to help people,” Pat said. “I wanted to be there for them.”

“You were. You were there for so many people. You were even there for Mrs. Ruebeeckers’ funeral. But you can’t follow them all to the grave. You can’t exhaust yourself doing this.”

And then Maria said, “Maybe one day you’ll come back to this. Maybe this is your call. You’re good at it. You have a gift. But for now it’s time to live. Even Persephone had to leave the land of the dead.”

This struck Pat as whimsical, because he never imagined that Maria would bring up Greek mythology in conversation.

“How do I look at life? How do you do that?”

It was Pat’s question, but it was Josh who asked it as they drove to the house.

“I know. I see the world is full of color, and the sun is hot and it’s summer, but it’s just a knowing, not a feeling, and I think a long time ago I had the feeling and I would love to have the feeling again.”

They pass the convenience store where Rob works that Rob has left, and they go down the road to the house where Rob is staying, the house of his friend, Frey. And there is a car parked outside, but it isn’t Rob’s. Rob has a truck. This must be Frey’s SUV. They go over the hedge and into the yard. Evening approaches. Josh raps on the door.

He blinks for a while when DJ answers it, as if trying to get the features right and realizing this is an entirely different white man, not Rob at all, and Javon is coming from the kitchen.

“I’m looking for my brother,” Josh says. “For Rob.”

“Oh,” DJ blinks and opens the door, “Come in. He’s not here. He’s with my dad. My stepdad. They left.”

“Left?” Josh says, coming in followed by Pat who shakes DJ’s hand and then Javon’s.

“Yeah,” DJ said. “They went to this monastery. Saint Clew.”

“I’ve heard of it,” Josh says doubtfully.

“We got pizza,” Javon offers. “Stay a while?”

“Yeah,” Josh says. Josh’s yeah means Pat is staying too.

“How long will they be gone?” Josh asked, tearing away a slice of pizza. “I mean… I didn’t even… Rob didn’t tell us he was leaving.”

“Then it can’t be that long,” DJ said. “Dad just said he needed to go away for a few days and find himself again. He says it’s good to find yourself as much as possible cause it’s so easy to get lost. Dad said it’s not like an ordinary monastery,” DJ continued. “Whatever that means. Cause I have no idea what an ordinary monastery is like. Still…”

“To sort yourself out seems nice,” Josh said.

“Exactly. I thought it was like church, but Dad says it’s not like church at all. He calls every day. He didn’t do that when he was here.”

While DJ talked, Javon nodded often but said little, and Pat said nothing at all until he finally said, “Can I use you guys restroom?”

“But it’s not our restroom,” Javon said, smiling. “So yeah, you can.”

Pat got up, and went down the hall, and a moment later he called, “Josh, is this Rob’s?”

“Is what Rob’s?” Josh called.

“Come and see.”

Josh looked at the other two, shrugged, and then got up and went down the hall.

“Is what—?”

He began, and then Pat closed the door behind them.

“Can you honestly not tell?” Pat demanded.

“Tell what?”

“I know it was dark and… everything… but can you not tell those are the guys from the other night?”

“What…?” Josh began. Then. “I... wondered. I thought I was being nuts. They didn’t say anything.”

“Just like we didn’t say anything,” Pat said.

“Well,” Josh looked genuinely perturbed, “Do you think they know?’

“I don’t know, They’ll suspect something in a minute if we stay whispering in this bathroom.”

“What do we do? Do we keep pretending?”

Pat shook his head, looking irritated. “I guess so.”

Now Josh was irritated. “Just like how we pretend in front of Rob we hate each other. Well, if we are just going to pretend, then I don’t understand why you even called me in here.”

“I…” Pat began, then said, “I don’t really understand why, either.”

Josh went back out. Pat realized he really did have to pee, and when he joined them again, DJ said, “Was it what you thought?”

“Nothing ever is,” Josh said.

It was Pat who clapped his hands together and said, “How long are you guys here? Are you waiting till Rob and your dad get back?”

“We hadn’t thought about it,” Javon said.

“Well,” Pat said, “we may come back. If it’s alright.” He made to stretch and DJ said, “Are you guys leaving?”

“We don’t wanna crowd in on your space.”

“There is no space to crowd in on,” DJ said, “and it’s early, and we don’t really know anybody. So it’s not like we’re throwing you out.”

“Well, then,” Josh said, to Pat’s great irritation, “we don’t have anywhere to go, so we might as well just sit down.”

“That’s the spirit,” Javon said, and pushed a beer across the table.

The more they drank and ate, the less Pat did either. He looked markedly irritated, and finally he said, “This is ridiculous,” and went to the kitchen.

He had thought it would be Josh who followed him. After all, Josh had come with him and was dependent upon his car to get home, but it was Javon who followed.

“What’s wrong?” Javon demanded. “You alright?”

“Do you honestly, honestly, honestly not remember us from the other night?”

“I thought that’s who you might be,” Javon said, unfazed. “At first I wasn’t sure, but I thought you might be. But things were going on so well, it didn’t make any sense to point that out, you know, to ruin things.”

“I’m tired of not pointing things out, and not ruining things,” Pat said. “I’m tired of that strategy.”

Javon shrugged.

“Well, yes, okay,” he said.

Pat looked at him.

“What are you going to do about it?” Javon asked him.

“Whaddo you mean what am I…?”

“If you’re tired of pretending this didn’t happen and that didn’t happen, what do you want to do about it?”

“Are you some type of therapist?”

“My uncle says the reason so many gay men are so angry is because they don’t deal with things. They’re frustrated. They are afraid of their bodies and afraid of the people around them and afraid to deal with stuff.”

Pat opened his mouth and Javon said, “And no, I’m not a therapist. I’m just… we’re just not like other people you know. We don’t believe in hiding too much for too long.”

At this, Pat heard DJ or Josh shout like he had stubbed his toe, and Pat moved around Javon, sticking his head out of the kitchen to stare into the living room. There, his ball cap turned back, his shirt off, on his knees, DJ was sucking Josh’s dick and Josh lay back, his eyes closing and opening to the ceiling.

But by then, Javon’s hands were already in Pat’s shorts, and he was pulling on his penis.

“Only,” Javon said, “if you want. Only if you want.”

“Oh, my God!” Josh moaned in the living room, “Oh, Jesus,” he moaned, almost crying, “Oh, Jesussss.”

“Only if you want.”

It hardly seemed fair, Pat’s shorts were already down around his knees and his dick was hard in Javon’s hands. Javon led him into the living room, holding by his dick like a leash. Not in the bedroom, not in private. But he didn’t want that anyway. It would be like it was the other night. They lay on the floor, and his dick pulsed like his heart was in it while sweat beaded on his forehead and sprang up all over his chest. His dick rose up in rage, and his eyes went blurry with tears. Javon’s mouth was warm and insistent on his cock, and Pat gave himself up. He gave himself to it all.