I opened the apartment door already crying.
Not sobbing. Just tears running down my face. That silent crying where you're too exhausted to make much noise. Too empty to do anything but gently collapse.
Brandon looked up from the couch. Controller in hand. Paused his game immediately.
"Noah? Dude. What happened?"
Liam emerged from the kitchen. Beer in hand. His face changed when he saw me. "Shit. Come here."
They surrounded me. These two massive guys. My childhood best friends. Brandon at 6'2". Liam at 6'3". Both built like the athletes because they were athletes. Both pulling me into a hug. Making me feel small. Protected. Safe. Sometimes you need to be a heroin starlet smothered in the bosom of jock, no?
"What did she do?" Brandon asked. His voice had that edge. That protective anger. "I swear to god if she—"
"We broke up," I managed. My voice cracking. "Yeah. It's over."
"Fuck her," Liam said. "Seriously. You're too good for her anyway."
I pulled back. Wiped my face. Looked at them. These two straight guys who'd been my best friends since elementary school. Who'd moved to the city with me for college. Who'd agreed to share this shitty three-bedroom apartment because we couldn't imagine not living together.
They didn't know. Had never known. I'd never told them.
"It wasn't a girl," I said quietly.
Silence. Both of them processing. I watched their faces. Waiting for disgust. For confusion. For everything to change.
Brandon spoke first. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah. Okay. So. A guy then."
I nodded. Couldn't speak. Barely breathed.
Brandon sat back down on the couch. Patted the cushion next to him. "Sit. Tell us what happened."
I sat. Liam sat on my other side. Sandwiching me. Still protective. Still my friends.
"I'm gay," I said. Testing the words. "I don't know what to say. I've been dating this guy. Alex. For almost six months. And so... well, we broke up."
"Why?" Liam asked. Not judgmental. Just. Curious. Concerned.
"Because the sex was bad. He made it weird and I told him. And he got mad. Said I was too demanding. Too needy. That I should be grateful he was even willing to do anything with me."
Brandon's jaw clenched. "He said that?"
"Yeah."
"Fuck that guy!" Brandon said. "Seriously. What an assclown."
"I kind of suspected," Brandon continued. More casual now with a slippery hint of a grin. "Like. One: you never talked about girls. Never checked them out. Two: always made excuses when we tried to set you up."
"You suspected but you never said anything?"
"Wasn't my business. Figured you'd tell us if you wanted." He looked at me. "We're cool, man. Nothing changes. You're still our boy."
Liam was quieter. Processing. His brow a tad furrowed.
"You okay?" I asked him.
"Yeah. I just have questions. Is that okay? Can I ask questions?"
"Yeah. Of course."
"Does it, umm, does it hurt? Like. I don't know how that works. How gay sex works. Is it weird?"
Brandon kicked him. "Dude!"
"What? I'm curious! I never dabbled in the dark side (he meant gay porn, lol). I don't know anything about this."
I almost laughed. Despite everything. Despite the crying. Despite my shitty heartbreak. "It's fine. I don't mind."
"Okay so. Like. You're the one who... I don't know how to say this."
"I'm a bottom," I said. "I like to bottom. I'm the one who gets fucked." I imagined a large spinning digital sign like a Sims character suddenly floating above my head.
Both of them went very still. This detail that made it real. Made it specific. Did I say too much?
"Wait," Liam said slowly. "You like to be the girl in terms of...?"
"It's not about being the girl. It's just a position and my preference."
"But you take it—forgive me—in your ass."
"Yes, Liam. In my ass." I rolled my eyes heavily and laughed.
"And that feels good?" He was really serious now.
"When it's done right. Yeah. It feels quite good."
Brandon was staring at the ceiling. "Jesus Christ. My best friend takes it in the ass and I had no idea."
"Does that bother you?" I could tell from the temperature in the room this was acceptance, somehow. Like only more authentic because they were being so pathetically bro-coded.
"No. Not at all! I swear. I do feel like an idiot for not knowing. For, I don't know. For not being there for you. When you were figuring 'this' out." It was now a "this."
"You're here now."
"Yeah. We are." He looked at me. "And for the record. That Alex guy sounds like a piece of everliving horseshit. You deserve better. You deserve someone who makes you feel good. Who treats you right. Who knows what the fuck they're doing."
Later that night. After pizza, talking about FAR more normal shit, and after pretending everything was fine, I regained my balance.
We smoked a joint. Bad weed. The kind that makes you cough but doesn't actually get you high. We passed it around anyway. Sat in the living room. Brandon and Liam on the couch. Me on the floor. The TV playing a show none of us were watching.
"I'm so fucking blue-balled," Brandon said out of nowhere.
Liam laughed. "Still? Dude. Just jerk off."
"I did. Twice today. Doesn't help. I need the real thing. Something that's not my hand."
"What about that girl you've been Snapchatting?" I asked. "The blonde?"
"Madison. Yeah. I fucked that up." He kind of belched that answer, lol.
"How?"
"Sent her a dick pic. Bitch freaked out. Blocked me."
Liam burst out laughing. "You sent an unsolicited dick pic? Bro. What a CREEP."
"It wasn't unsolicited! Fuck me. She asked. She said show me what you're working with. So I showed her."
"And she blocked you?" I asked. "Why?"
"I don't know. I thought it was a good pic. I dropped trou on the spot."
"Can I see it?" The words came out before I could stop them.
Both of them looked at me.
"What?" Brandon asked.
"The pic. Can I see it? I'm curious. What could have turned her off so bad she blocked you?"
Brandon hesitated. Then pulled out his phone. Scrolled. Found it. Handed it over.
I looked. It was. Okay. Brandon's dick. Soft-ish. Held in his hand. Bathroom mirror selfie. Dim lighting. Weird angle that made it look not small exactly. But not flattering either.
I laughed. Not meanly. Just it was pretty bad not gonna lie. Straight dudes can be so adorably helpless, I was learning. Like the worst sexters.
"What!!" Brandon snatched the phone back. "What's wrong with it?"
"Dude. That's a horrible pic."
"It looks fine."
"Liam. Look at this. Tell me if that looks fine."
Liam took the phone. Studied it. "Looks pretty standard Dick Pic 101 to me."
"Exactly. Standard. Boring. What girl would want this? You're holding your dick in dim lighting and a terrible angle. It looks. I don't know. Sad."
"Sad?" Brandon's voice rose. "My dick looks sad?"
"The pic looks sad. Your dick is probably fine. I don't know. I've never seen it hard."
Silence. And boy. That sentence hung in the air. All of us realizing what I'd just said.
"I could. I could take a better pic for you," I said. "If you want. Show you what actually works. What girls actually want to see."
Brandon considered. "How?"
"Pull down your shorts."
"What?"
"Pull them down. Get a little hard. I'll show you."
Brandon looked at Liam. Liam shrugged. "Fuck it. Do it. I'm curious now."
Brandon stood. Pushed his basketball shorts down. His boxers. His cock hung there. Soft. Maybe four inches soft. But thick. Uncut.
He was my best friend. I'd known him since we were eight. And I'd never somehow seen his dick before. Not like this.
"Now get hard," I said. Trying to sound clinical. Professional. Not like my own dick was responding. Not like I was staring for dear life.
"How? You want me to just. Jerk off in front of you?"
"Think about Madison. Think about her tits. Whatever works for straight brain."
Brandon wrapped his hand around himself. Started stroking. Slow. Awkward. Looking at the ceiling. Trying not to make eye contact with either of us.
His dick swelled. Got harder. Longer. Thicker. Maybe seven inches hard. Maybe more. That thick shaft. I could see the foreskin yank back a little. The head appearing. Flushed. Perfect.
I pulled out my phone. "Hold it like this. Angle it up. Don't choke it. Just. Yeah. Like that!"
I took the photo. Multiple angles. Different lighting. Made him adjust his grip. Made him look natural. Made it look good. I was saving them! Queer eye for the dick pic.
"There." I showed him the phone. "That's better."
Brandon took it. Stared. "Fuck. That does look better."
"Right? More meaty. More real. Less like you're trying so hard."
Liam leaned over. Looked. "Damn. Do me. Do me. I want my dick to look that good too."
He stood. Pulled his shorts down. His cock was different. Longer. Thinner. Cut. Already half-hard just from watching.
I got on my knees. Moved closer. "Okay. Hold it like. Yeah. Tilt it. Up more. Good."
Liam was having trouble getting fully hard. Too nervous. Too aware of the situation.
"Think about something hot," I said. "Close your eyes. Picture. I don't know. Your last hookup."
"Can't. Too weird. You're right there."
Brandon scooted over on the couch. Getting closer. "Noah. How often did you hook up? Before Alex?"
"Almost never. He was my first boyfriend. He didn't like me having fun. Said it was shameful. That we should be. I don't know. He only wanted this fantasy of monogamous seriousness."
I thought their brains didn't compute those string of words but I was wrong.
"That's like the complete opposite of the gay stereotype though," Brandon said. Still stroking himself. Getting harder. "I thought you guys were all like unleashed sex fiends. Hooking up constantly."
"Some are. I wasn't. He made me feel like wanting sex was wrong."
I positioned Liam's dick. Held my phone up. Took the pic. He was harder now. Watching Brandon. Watching me. The whole situation getting to him.
"There. Done." I showed him. "See? Much better."
I sat back. Looked at them. Both of them on the couch. Side by side. Dicks out. Hard. Brandon still stroking slowly. Liam just. There. Exposed. Waiting.
"Well THIS looks compromising," Brandon said. His voice light. Joking. But not really joking.
Awkward long pause. Nobody moving. Nobody speaking. Just the three of us. In our living room. Both of them hard. Me on my knees between them. The air pretty charged with something I couldn't name. Was this all in my head?
Liam finally spoke. "Come on. We gotta just go for it. Noah. Show us what you got."
I stared at him. "What?"
"Show us. If a gay guy can really handle a dick better. If it's really different."
"Liam. You guys are straight. And my best friends."
"No homo," Liam said. Then laughed. "Ok, I guess in this case. Total homo. But we're curious. You need to get over Alex. We want to help."
I looked at Brandon. He was watching me. His hand still on his cock. His expression. Open. Curious. Not disgusted. Not afraid.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked. Looking between them. "You won't like, stop talking to me tomorrow? Be suddenly grossed out and weird?"
"I'm cool," Liam said. "We're cool. Right, B?"
Brandon did a quick hungry nod. "Yeah. We're cool. Nothing weird."
I reached out. Both hands. Each one wrapping around a cock. My childhood best friends. These two straight guys who were offering themselves to me. Who wanted to help. Who wanted to show me what fun sex felt like.
Brandon's cock was thick. Hot in my hand. Liam's was longer. Smoother. Both perfect. Both alive. I had stumbled into a real life porno scenario that I guess is also a tale as old as time.
I looked at them. At their faces. Their flushed expressions. At the way they were watching me. Waiting. Letting me choose. They needed me to initiate.
I had a dick in each hand. My two straight best friends hard and ready and mine for the taking.
I had absolutely no idea which one to taste first.
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