The creak of the front door, followed by the heavy, familiar tread of work boots being kicked off in the entryway, pulled Rory from a thin, unsatisfying sleep. The clock on hos phone glowed 2:47 AM. He kept his eyes closed, listening to the sounds of his husband moving through their dark apartment. The hushed rustle of a leather jacket being hung up. The distant sigh of the refrigerator door opening and closing. Then, the sound that always made his stomach clench: the shower.
Twenty minutes later, James emerged. The scent of his expensive body wash, something dark and woodsy, preceded him into the bedroom. Rory feigned sleep, his body a tight coil under the duvet. The mattress dipped profoundly under James’s considerable weight as he slid in beside him.
A massive, warm arm draped over Rory’s waist, pulling him back against a broad, solid chest. The heat of James’s body was like a furnace, radiating through Rory’s thin sleep shirt, seeping into his bones. Coarse hair tickled his back, the familiar scratch of James’s chest fur against his shoulder blades sending a shiver down his spine. Soft, full lips found the sensitive spot just below his ear, that secret place James had discovered years ago, the one that never failed to make Rory melt. He’s so tender, Rory thought, his heart aching. Even now, after being with someone else, he’s still so tender with me.
James’s breath was warm against Rory’s neck, slow and steady, as if he were savoring the moment. His fingers traced idle patterns along Rory’s hip, the calloused pads of his fingertips, rough from years of police work, dragging lightly over the fabric of his boxers. It was a touch so familiar, so achingly intimate, that for a fleeting second, Rory could almost pretend nothing had changed. That they were still the same two men who’d fallen into bed together every night for over a decade, hungry for each other, unable to keep their hands to themselves.
But then James shifted, and Rory caught the faintest whiff of something foreign: a cologne that wasn’t his, a shampoo that wasn’t the one they kept in their shower. The scent was subtle, almost buried beneath James’s own musk and the clean, woodsy aroma of his body wash, but it was there. A ghost of the night James had just spent with someone else. Rory’s stomach twisted, but he didn’t pull away. Instead, he leaned into the embrace, greedy for the affection James would always offer him, even if they came tinged with the sting of betrayal.
James nuzzled deeper into Rory’s neck, his beard scratching lightly against the delicate skin. “Missed you,” he murmured, the words slurred with exhaustion but no less sincere. Rory closed his eyes, swallowing hard. It was a lie, but God, he wanted to believe it. Wanted to believe that James still craved him the way he craved those faceless men he took to bed now. But the truth was in the way James’s body relaxed against his, sated, spent, utterly content. There was no restless energy, no hungry hands seeking more. Just the quiet comfort of a man who’d already gotten everything he needed elsewhere.
Rory let out a slow breath, his fingers tightening briefly in the sheets. This is enough, he told himself, even as his body burned with want. This has to be enough. Because it was all he had left. James’s arm around him, his lips on his skin, his voice in his ear, those were the remnants of a passion that had once been all-consuming. And Rory would take them, even if they came with the bitter aftertaste of someone else’s pleasure. Even if it meant lying here, aching, while the man he loved layed beside him, his appetite thoroughly satisfied by another.
“Sorry, baby,” James murmured, his voice a low, gravelly rumble against Rory’s skin. It was the voice that could command a room or, years ago, make Rory come with just a whisper. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”
Rory turned in his arms, their faces inches apart in the dark. He could just make out the strong line of James’s jaw, the shadow of his beard. “I was awake,” Rory whispered.
James smiled, a flash of white teeth, and closed the distance between them. His kiss was deep and languid, tasting of mint toothpaste and something else, something faintly foreign. Someone else’s taste? Rory’s mind unhelpfully supplied. But his body, traitorously hungry, responded instantly. He moaned into the kiss, his hands coming up to frame James’s face, his thumbs tracing the rough stubble on his cheeks.
They kissed for what felt like both an eternity and no time at all. It was all there, the practiced skill, the latent strength, the affection. It was the kind of kiss that, for over a decade, had always been the prelude to something more. A promise. Hope, hot and desperate, flared in Rory’s chest. Maybe tonight. Oh god, please, maybe tonight.
His hand slid down, over the vast, proud expanse of James’s belly, through the dense thatch of hair, seeking what he desperately needed to find. His fingers found their target, and the hope curdled into a cold, familiar humiliation.
It was completely, utterly soft. Flaccid. Lifeless.
James broke the kiss with a soft, breathy laugh, a sound that wasn’t cruel but was somehow so much worse for its casualness. Like he was shrugging off a minor inconvenience rather than delivering another blow to Rory’s fragile self-worth. “Ah fuck, Ror,” he murmured against Rory’s lips before pulling back just enough to meet his eyes in the dim light. “Tank’s on empty tonight.” His thumb brushed Rory’s cheekbone in what might have been an apology if it weren’t so damn easy for him.
Rory felt James’s grip shift slightly, just enough to telegraph it, as he gave him a familiar, apologetic squeeze. The kind reserved for disappointing children or wounded animals. “That new lawyer from the Davis case…” James continued, voice dropping into that rough, storytelling register that used to make Rory shiver with anticipation. Now, it just made him nauseous. “Christ, the guy was insatiable. Like he hadn’t been fucked proper in years."
A low chuckle rumbled through James’s chest, a sound that was equal parts amusement and self-satisfaction. He shifted slightly, the movement deliberate as if to remind Rory of his sheer, unyielding dominance. “Dude could barely keep up with me,” he said, his deep voice dripping with a smugness that bordered on douchey. He patted his own limp cock. still thick, still intimidating even in its spent state, with a casual pride, as if it were a trophy rather than a tired muscle. “Tapped out on me after round two. He crawled off the bed like a whipped pup.”
James smirked, his tone laced with arrogance. “Told him I wasn’t done yet, but he just couldn’t take it. Said I was too much for him.” He shook his head, chuckling again, the sound reverberating through the room. “Guess not everyone can handle this kind of power, huh?” he added, giving his cock another lazy slap, as if it were a badge of honor.
The words hung between them, heavy with unspoken implications. James wasn’t just boasting; he was reveling in it, basking in the memory of his own virility while leaving Rory to stew in his inadequacy. It was almost as if he wanted Rory to know, needed him to know, that there were men out there who could barely withstand what Rory would give everything to access.
“Poor man,” James added with a smirk, his voice thick with mock sympathy. “He’ll probably be walking funny for a week.”
The words hung between them, thick with unspoken comparisons. Rory could practically see it: James, those massive arms flexing as he pinned some faceless, writhing lawyer beneath him, that legendary stamina pushed to its limits... for someone else. For anyone else.
James yawned then, wide and unselfconscious, before nuzzling lazily into Rory’s neck. “Mmm. You smell good,” he muttered, already half-asleep. As if this were any other night. As if he hadn’t just carved another piece out of Rory’s dignity and left it bleeding between them.
The silence that followed was deafening. Rory lay frozen, staring at the ceiling, painfully aware of two truths: James’s breathing deepening into sleep beside him, and his own traitorous body, still aching, still wanting, even now...
“Love you,” James mumbled, his voice already thick with sleep. Within moments, his breathing deepened into the heavy, satiated rhythm of the utterly spent. He was asleep, a mountain of contented masculinity, exhausted from pleasuring another man.
Rory lay beside him, vibrating with a need that felt like a sickness. The image was seared onto the back of his eyelids: James, his James, pounding into some faceless, grateful lawyer. That huge, beautiful cock, the one Rory hadn’t felt inside him in nearly a year, hard and eager and working. The lawyer’s cries of pleasure. James’s own guttural groans as he emptied himself into a stranger.
Tears of frustration pricked at his eyes. He was a prisoner in his own perfect life, in his perfect bed, next to his perfect husband. A pathetic cuck. The title fit him perfectly now, a tailored suit of humiliation.
He couldn’t lie here. Not with the scent of James’s shower gel clinging to him, a pathetic imitation of cleanliness that couldn't wash away the truth of where he’d been. Not with the specter of the lucky lawyer hanging in the air.
Silently, Rory slipped out of bed. James didn’t stir. He padded naked across the cold floor and into the walk-in closet, closing the door behind him before turning on the light. He went to the small, locked case on the top shelf, a pathetic little secrets. His hands shook as he fumbled with the key. Inside, nestled on velvet, was his salvation and his shame: a large, realistic silicone dildo, a near-perfect replica of the very organ sleeping just feet away from him. And next to it, a small, brown glass bottle of poppers.
He didn’t bother with foreplay. There was no one to give it to him. He sank to his knees on the plush carpet, the fibers rough against his skin. He unscrewed the cap on the bottle, brought it to one nostril, and took a sharp, deep inhale.
The world dissolved into a sudden, pounding rush of blood and heat. A chemical tidal wave that crashed over his brain, melting his inhibitions, amplifying every single nerve ending. His head swam, the confines of the closet seeming to expand and contract with his heartbeat. He groaned, low and desperate, his own hard cock dripping onto the floor.
He slicked the toy with a generous amount of lube, the chill of it making him gasp. He reached behind himself, one hand braced against a shelf, and pressed the cold, blunt tip against his entrance. Don’t think about him. Don’t think about who he was with. Just feel it. Just feel something.
He pushed back, working the thick head inside with a practiced, miserable ease. The stretch was immediate, intense, good. But it was a hollow victory. He took another hit from the bottle, the roar in his ears drowning out everything but the base animal need.
He began to fuck himself, each thrust a clumsy, selfish imitation of what he truly craved. He imagined it was James. He couldn’t help it. He saw those beefy, hairy arms wrapping around him, that deep voice grunting in his ear. You like that, baby? Taking all of me?
But the fantasy shattered, replaced by the vivid, cruel reality his husband had given him. The lawyer. Was he younger? Prettier? Did he scream when James filled him? Did he beg for more?
A sob escaped Rory’s lips as he drove the toy deeper, punishing himself with the truth. He was alone. In a closet. Getting himself off with a piece of silicone while the real thing, the man he loved, slept soundly in the next room, sexually sated by another man. The poppers and the rhythm consumed him, the pleasure a sharp, cutting edge that was inseparable from the pain. He was hurtling toward a climax that felt less like release and more like surrender.
His body arched, trembling with every thrust, his muscles taut and desperate. He took another hit of the poppers, the chemical rush crashing over him like a wave, making his skin flush and his vision blur. He could feel his pulse in every inch of his body, every nerve alight with a need that burned hotter than shame. The toy plunged in and out of him, a cruel imitation of what he craved, its silicone surface slick and unforgiving. This isn’t enough, his mind screamed. It’ll never be enough.
But it was all he had. Alone in the dim light of the closet, Rory surrendered to the brutal, mechanical rhythm. His hand moved faster, driving the toy deeper, chasing the fleeting illusion of fulfillment. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the image of James, his James, pounding into someone else, his deep voice growling with pleasure as he gave everything he had to a stranger. But the harder Rory tried to push it away, the more vivid it became. He could see it all in excruciating detail: James's broad shoulders flexing, the smug smile on his face as the lawyer moaned beneath him, begging for more.
Stop thinking about it, Rory begged himself. But his traitorous mind wouldn’t obey. Instead, it fed him every humiliating detail: the way James had laughed after, smug and satisfied, as he recounted fucking the lawyer senseless. The way he’d patted his limp cock like a prize, reminding Rory that even spent, James was still more of a man than Rory could ever hope to satisfy.
The tears came then, hot and relentless, streaming down his cheeks as he worked himself with frantic desperation. He cried for the man he’d lost, for the passion that had slipped through his fingers, for the life they used to have when he was enough. He cried because he knew this would never change, that he would always be second best, always be the one left behind while James went out to claim his conquests.
His climax hit him like a freight train, violent and overwhelming, tearing through him with a force that left him gasping. Pleasure and pain intertwined, indistinguishable from one another as he came hard, muffling his cries against the sleeve of his pajamas. Rory slumped forward, his body trembling as the aftershocks rippled through him. The dildo slipped from his grasp, leaving him achingly empty and raw. He wiped his tear-streaked face with the back of his hand, his breath shuddering as he tried to steady himself. The high from the poppers was fading, and with it went the fragile illusion of satisfaction. He felt pathetic.
He cleaned up quickly, his movements mechanical and devoid of thought. The toy was tucked back into its case, the bottle of poppers stashed away in the locked drawer. He scrubbed at his face in the small bathroom attached to the closet, trying to erase any trace of what he’d just done, but the shame clung to him like a second skin.
When Rory slipped back into bed, James stirred almost instinctively. His arm reached out, heavy and warm, wrapping around Rory’s waist with a tenderness that felt both comforting and cruel. He pulled Rory close, his broad chest pressing against Rory’s back, the warmth of his body seeping through the thin fabric of their sheets. James murmured something unintelligible in his sleep, his breath warm against the nape of Rory’s neck, and for a moment, it was easy to forget everything that had just happened. For a moment, Rory could pretend that they were still the same two men who had fallen into each other’s arms every night for over a decade.
Rory let himself be held, his body stiff at first but gradually relaxing into the embrace. This is all I have, he thought, his heart aching as he pressed himself closer to James. The scent of his husband’s shower gel was faint now, but it was there, a subtle reminder of where James had been just hours ago. Still, Rory clung to the moment, trying to take solace in the fact that James, even in his sleep, still reached for him. Maybe it wasn't just out of habit. Maybe that meant something.
James’s breathing deepened again, steady and content, his arm a heavy but comforting weight around Rory’s waist. Rory stared into the darkness, his mind a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. He closed his eyes, forcing himself to focus on the warmth of James’s body against his. This is enough, he told himself, It has to be. Because it was all he had left. A hug from a sleeping man who belonged to the world, not to him. A fleeting moment of intimacy that tasted bittersweet on his tongue, like the last sip of a drink he could never have again.
