Cops

COPS

by F.E. COOPER

Whimsy is hiding behind this tiny tale, with off-beat logic of its own. If situations dismay at first, go with flow’s proverbiality and coast along for a smooth ride into the gentle land of mirth somewhat cockeyed.

---

The phone. My neighbor.

“Hello.”

“Did you throw a trick out last night?”

“Me? No. Why do you ask?”

“Well, there’s a nude guy flat out on your lawn. Not moving.”

“What? I’d better have a look. Call the police, will you?”

The chief and two officers arrived by squad car to find my neighbor and me, hands on hips, looking at the corpse.

“Can you tell us what happened?”

My voiced arched, “He died either here – which I don’t understand – or died elsewhere and was placed here – which I also don’t understand. Just look at the poor thing – so cute otherwise.”

“What about the dildo in his butt?”

“Not one of mine.”

“Okay. Here comes the medical examiner. Maybe he can tell us what he figures.”

We were cautioned, “Don’t touch him.”

In chorus, “We haven’t.”

My neighbor, breathless, was peering over everyone’s surrounding shoulders, “I get credit for spotting him.”

No one paid him any attention.

We were rapt as the team rolled the subject of interest onto his back.

“Gosh, is that cock cage gold?” the smallest of the cops asked. “Looks expensive.”

I volunteered, “That’s a custom job by Conrad’s Codpieces and Sex Supplies in the City of Poochkeepsie. I get their catalogs quarterly.”

That pertinence interested no one.

Eventually, everyone left except one of the police – the one I noticed – cutest of the lot at about five-feet-seven, tightly uniformed – whose job was to take my statement. He had no idea I’d checked him out on his department’s website.

Checked also the role of his older mentor-now-chief who, with his friend the medical examiner, had shown early interest in practicing hypnotism on the new recruit.

Good old Dark Web. Great place for set-ups.

One of my hypnotic stares and a couple of suggestions placed the young man on the path to role reversal.

Indoors, my robe was quickly shed as I moved to help him reveal himself clothes free. “Thus, we can be honest with each other,” a statement with which he agreed, smiling when he saw what I had for him.

He asked, “Is that for interrogation?

I sensed guilt in the way he inflected his question. “You bet.”

“Your firearm’ll get the truth out of me.”

“Have you a lot to tell?” I asked, spreading his legs.

“You’ll get it out of me by force, I know. Lots of force.”

Talked a blue streak, he did, the whole time. Minutes flew. Finally, when I was juggernauting him, he confessed, “I was put up to put down the body on your grass so I could meet you.”

“You flatter me, officer. You went to a lot of trouble. I appreciate that. How about another hour?” He nodded absentmindedly. I plowed, gaining his attention.

“My reward? How wonderful. The chief will give me a citation when I get back to the station.”

“Which one?”

“The station?”

“No, which citation?”

“Fulfillment of Duty if, as a keepsake, I bring him lots of your DNA.”

“Why?”

“To use it against you in a court of law.”

“Why?”

“To convict you for murdering the cute guy.”

“Tell me more.”

“Okay,” he squirmed. “Just give my prostate some more of what you’ve got.”

I ramped into high gear. Bing. Bang. Wham.

Under siege, he offered, “It’s like this, the coroner will suction out from me and squirt a load into the corpse then replace the dildo. Analysis will provide you as author of the circumstantial evidence.”

“But it’s not one of my dildos.” Wham. Boom. Bang.

“Can you prove that?”

“No one can prove a negative, don’t you remember your Plato?”

“Plato Mucker? I knew him well, that Plato. Oh boy, how he used to demonstrate interrogation techniques with me when we were in the academy! Thorough guy. Real positive. On the force now in West Mulehollow under a great chief, I believe. You’re nearly as good if not as big. Speaking of force, more, please. Oh my!”

Actually, he rattled breathlessly non-stop. I provided the needed punctuation. One kapow after another. Several splats. How the bed thumped the wall!

I sent him off, my loads secured by a suitable plug, which he promised to return. He would return, surely, because he had ogled my dildo array. However, what intrigued him more was my collection of cock cages. Fur, leather, metal alloys.

I promised to fit him with one for daily wear and something special for inspections.

In time, we took photographs of his cuteness in a gold-tone cage and plugged. Sent them to Poochkeepsie, where Conrad’s emporium (and now cocktail lounge) arranged for him to pose in new models for their forthcoming Spring catalog.

How he preened – peacock proud. They pampered him. Spoiled him.

That is, until…

…the plot against me collapsed after Detective Dick Bruiser entered our lives. One smart investigator, he linked my neighbor to the murder. Jealousy, you see, lay at the root. The State prosecuted my neighbor and the medical examiner for manslaughter. Did a jolly good job of it.

The detective and the innocent-acting police chief collaborated with me in arranging – at the behest of certain funds provided by me – to have their peewee officer paroled to me. Me. I locked him in a chastity belt while he readjusted his allegiance. Showed him my handcuffs.

Of course, while he was in the slammer, other members of the police force came by regularly in tight uniforms to be checked as fit for duty, especially in the area of interrogation techniques.

One queried whether oral skills might help.

Duh.

I was quick to remind him, “Nobody can talk with a full mouth.”

I put him in his place – stomach down – and showed him how to extract a reliable confession. “Don’t ever let yourself be talked into unnatural practices. Scavenge if you have to through a bit of silt – it washes off – but sink your staff of inquiry to its hilt and much will come from it.”

Word got around. I was placed on retainer as a special advisor to the police department. We stand ready for service to the community and nearby outlying areas. Just give us a call: Information Extractions, Inc.

                                                                            ***