Conversation Vignettes

Dedicated to reader/commentator “Salai”

Do you member the movie “Harold and Maude”? If so, what if –

I.

“Doctor, my Harold here fell off the jungle gym at the park. Landed on his tush. Might’ve broken something.”

“I’ll soon find out. Harold, put your clothes over there. That’s a good boy. Now, up on the table with you. On your tummy for me, please.”

“What’s that snappy sound?”

“His rubber glove, Harold.”

“Why does he need a rubber glove, Mama?”

“So I can feel your tailbone, Harold. There, there, easy now. I’ll spread you apart so I can see where to put this. Just a dab of KY.”

“It’s cold.”

“I know. But I’ll rub it around to warm it up.”

“Mama, is this okay?”

“Yes, baby. Here, I’ll help the doctor by holding your bottom open.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Chasen.”

“You’re welcome, doctor. Anything to help my boy.”

“Deep breath, Harold. Let it out and in I go.”

“Ouch!”

“Be a big boy for your Mama now.”

“It hurts right there.”

“When I press up like this?”

“Yes, don’t do that anymore.”

“How about when I press down here?”

“That’s all right. Yeah, feels good. There. Yes.”

“Mrs. Chasen, Harold’s coccyx is broken. He’ll need an inflatable cushion like a small inner- tube. Any drugstore carries them.”

“What else can I do for him?”

“Don’t let him sit anywhere without it for the next four weeks. My visiting nurse, Maude, will call on you once a week to check the way I am now.”

“You mean, with her finger?”

“Yes, young man. And she’ll rub you inside like this to stimulate your circulation. Important for healing.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

“Pay on your way out.”

*

Do you remember Mark Twain’s jingle, “Punch in the presence of the passenjare”? If so, then -

II.

A friendly conductor and the boy he had just met, were about to discuss terms.

Having psyched each other, they bantered before bargaining.

“Is this ass vacant?”

“At present unoccupied, yes.”

“May I take it?”

“Have you a first-class ticket?”

“Is yours a first-class ass?”

“It is. Is yours a first-class dick?”

“Yes.”

“Show it to me. Not half-hidden like that.”

“That’s not the half of it, dear lad.”

“Oh…I see.”

“Is it enough for admission and a punch?”

“That, and a fifty.”

The train chugged from the station.

With a punch in the presence of you-know-where.

*

Do you remember that October lies ahead? If so, then -

III.

“Boo!”

“This ain’t Hallowe’en.”

“You weren’t scared?”

“By you?”

“Not by my mask?”

“You ain’t wearing one.”

“Shit. Forgot it.”

“Been forgetting a lot lately, ain’tcha?”

“I have?”

“Grandpa, like yesterday. You forgot your condom.”

“Did you need one?”

“No, but you did. You wanted to fuck me. See, you don’t remember.”

“Here’s one. Fresh, too.”

“Mask your cock with it. You can try to scare my hole.”

“Nice, the way you lift your legs.”

“Okay. Trick or treat.”

“Is it Hallowe’en now?”

“Yes, and I’m your trick. Give me a treat.”

Other "quickies" of mine are stored here (along with some whoppers).