Coming Out in Insane Mode

The odds were against me. I grew up in a small town literally run by the Southern Baptists and the Church of Christ. My family was a pillar in the First Baptist Church of our little shitkicker town, and we were there every time the doors were opened. I should have known I was gay. Looking back, there were plenty of signs. But religion is a great mask, and I wore it well. I managed to get into a decent college that was far enough away from home that I wasn’t expected to come back too often. But my small town high school didn’t really prepare me for college, and it took every ounce of my being to keep my head above water academically. After all, I didn’t want to go crawling back to shitkickerville USA as a college dropout. Most people have time to sort out their sexuality during college, but my big head was stuck in a book, and the needs of my little head were put on hold.

After graduation, I managed to get a job in Minneapolis. My very southern parents teased me about freezing to death and joked about me running away. In reality, it wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t like I left the country, but I was ready to get away, far away. Minneapolis was about as removed as it gets from my upbringing. I moved in late May and started work on the first Monday of June. The bitter cold of Minneapolis is deceptively tucked away during this part of the year. I settled in. The job was going well, and I was actually making money. I joined a gym and started taking decent care of myself for a change. The job was challenging, but it was the type of work you could actually leave at the office. So I had time on my hands.

I was alone and far away from home and family. My stress level had plummeted. I was 22 years old, good looking, smart, well educated, employed, in decent shape, and a virgin. Without academic probation breathing down my throat, my mind had time to contemplate the absurdity of this situation. I saw men at the gym and admired them. Their discipline and comradery impressed me. In my mind, I thought, “I bet they’re not virgins.” This resulted in the twisted logic of “I want to be like them because being like them would solve my virginity issue.” I used my struggles with college as an excuse for why I had never successfully dated women. My history of decades of Sunday School clouded the obvious fact that I was simply gay. I didn’t want to “be like” those men at the gym, I wanted to “be with” them. But flipping that switch was not easy. Nobody knew me in Minneapolis. I had put forth no pretenses of being straight or gay. The option was there, but the overwhelming newness of being gay was a can of worms I was not yet ready to open.

I settled into a routine at the gym, and as is the case, you tend to run into the same crowd if you go at the same time on the same days. Faces became familiar, and some eventually had names attached. There was the occasional spot or tip exchanged between gym buds, but it wasn’t like I was making friends there. Thanks to the earbud, most men just kept to themselves and communications consisted of a glance or nod of the head in respectful acknowledgment of the other’s existence.

It was leg day, and I was doing squats. I was pushing hard, and asked Todd for a spot. Todd and I had spotted each other occasionally over the last several months. Despite our cordial reciprocal spotting, I didn’t know the first thing about Todd except that he was stunningly handsome. He looked a few years older than me, maybe 25. I was 5’10”, and he was a few inches taller than me. I was a smooth brunette, but he was a rather hairy blonde with blue eyes that were so bright, it wouldn’t have been a bad bet that they were colored contacts. In my history of being spotted, I had never really needed the help. But this day would be the first time I could honestly say had I not used a spotter, I might have ended up in the hospital. At the end of a set, my balance faltered due to a pain that shot down my left leg. Todd relieved me of the bar, and I ended up on the floor. Rattled by the situation, Todd and I racked the weights, and I hobbled off to the locker room deciding I shouldn’t push my luck any further.

As I returned to my locker from the shower, Todd was just coming in. He inquired as to my condition, and I told him the truth, it still hurt. He reached into his gym bag and pulled out a card. As he handed it to me, he said “Alternate heat and ice on it, and if it doesn’t feel better by the morning give me a call.” I looked down at the card, which said “Todd Marks, LMT” in rather clinical looking black text.

I went home and did as I was told. But despite taking a major dose of Alieve the night before, I woke up sore as all get out the next morning. As I drove to work, I dialed the number on the card. The call went to voicemail and after the beep I gave him the update and asked if he could see me after work. Right before lunch I got a text message “I am fairly booked tonight, but I can fit you in at 10:00 this evening at my studio if that’s not too late. Rate is $150 for 90 minutes. I take cash and PayPal. Just let me know.” It was a bit late for a “school night” but I didn’t like the idea of limping around the office for the whole week. I texted him back indicating that that was fine. He texted me the address, and it was all set up.

As I ate lunch, it occurred to me that this amazingly sexy man was going to be touching my naked body for an hour and a half. I had never had a professional massage before. Suddenly, the medical issue at hand took a back seat to what this might mean to the present state of repression I had managed to maintain. At some level I had to be aware of the logistics of what I was setting up, but I was so focused on the pain that my brain declined to process that part of the equation. Then the fear set in. Is Todd gay? If so, will he figure me out? If not, what happens if my body reacts in a “non-therapeutic” manner? What will it be like to see Todd at the gym either way? I could have texted him back and cancelled. But I didn’t. And at some level I had to admit, I didn’t want to. That little acknowledgement caused me to break out into a slight smile; a reaction I wasn’t anticipating.

I threw myself into work that afternoon just to get my mind off of the situation. I went home and continued to alternate between the ice bag and the heating pad. I took another handful of Alieve hoping that would help. My body was playing nursemaid, but my mind was concentrating on being alone in a room naked with Todd. Around 9:30 I set off to Todd’s place having no idea what to expect.

As I rang the doorbell, a small dog went crazy barking. Todd opened the door and said, “Don’t mind Killer. She’s harmless. Come on in.” He led me to a small bedroom that had been set up as a massage studio. The lights were dim and there were a few candles burning. The room smelled like oranges and vanilla. Soft lounge music played on a small stereo in the corner. Todd asked, “So is it any better?” I replied that it was, but indicated that the pain was still pretty bad. He said, “Well go ahead and take your clothes off. You can hang them on the pegs right there, and then lie face down on the table.”

So far so good. But as I started to undress, I noticed Todd was undressing as well. I had changed clothes since the office, but even so, I had shoes, socks, belt, and all that other stuff. He was just wearing a tank top and going commando in a pair of basketball shorts. So with so little to get out of, he was naked before I was. He saw the look on my face and immediately thought he had crossed a line. He said, “I always massage naked. Sorry, I should have said something first. You seem a little shocked.” I stammered, but managed to say, “Hey, it’s nothing we don’t see at the gym, right?” I gave a nervous smile and continued to undress.

I hopped up on the table hoping that in the darkness, he hadn’t noticed my rapidly forming erection. With my face buried in the doughnut pillow, all I could see was the lower half of his blonde furry legs. His calves were huge. It’s not like I hadn’t seen them before, but with this limited view, it was amazing how focused one could be. Very lightly, he ran his hands all up and down my body. It was tingly more than therapeutic. I had been touched sensually before, but it was during the few and desperate attempts I had made at dating women. From the moment his fingers glazed my body, I knew this was different.

Todd said, “I’m going to start with some stretches and bends just to get a sense of the limitation to your range of motion. I want you to say something as soon as it is painful. This is about making you better, not worse. OK?” I grunted my understanding. He oiled up both of my legs. Starting with the right leg, which didn’t hurt, he reached right under the pelvic bone with both hands and started pulling on my leg sliding down until he got to the foot. I could feel the stretch, and it felt good. He placed a hand under my knee and bent the foot back in a slow, deliberate motion. When it was fully folded, he lifted the knee up expanding the stretch. When he started on the other side, I nearly jumped off the table. The pain was excruciating. He immediately cut down on the pressure and slowed the stretch. The left leg barely bent compared to the right one, and he didn’t even attempt to lift the knee up. He said, “Yep, it’s pretty bad. If you are OK with it, I want to use an EMS machine on your leg. It just sends a mild electrical current through the muscle. For some people it relieves pain and reduces inflammation. Is that OK with you?” My only question was, “Does it cost more?” He laughed and said, “No.” I grunted another approval and he started washing the oil off of my left leg. He said, “I’m going to need to get these pads to stick to you. So we need to get the oil off of you. It’s also a good thing you are smooth. Otherwise, I might have to shave a spot to attach the pad.” The pads just felt like big stickers. He placed them just above the knee and just below the butt. He turned around and said, “This is going to feel a little weird at first. Some people find it ticklish. Some people find it creepy, like bugs crawling on them. Others find it pleasurable. I’m going to start off at a very low setting until the newness of the sensation dies down, and then we can crank it up to a more therapeutic level.” It was weird at first, but I got used to it nearly immediately. He cranked it up a notch and went to work on my back.

The back massage was like heaven. I wasn’t in pain there, but it sure felt good. Todd had strong hands and his ability to melt away tension was nothing short of amazing. When he massaged my neck, I could feel the heat of his naked body through the top of my head. My view was such that I couldn’t see his dick, but I knew it was right next to my head. This sent an electrical stimulation to another part of my body and no machine was required for that. When he was done with my neck, he went to the other end of the table and moved my legs closer together. I could feel the table shake a bit and realized he had crawled up on the table with me. I felt his hairy legs next to mine as I determined he was straddling me. He used the leverage of this new position to dig even deeper into my lower back. As he pushed up my spine, I could feel the head of his dick make contact with my ass. I let out a slight audible gasp, but he just kept on with the massage.

After he got off the table, he asked, “So how is the EMS machine feeling? Should we turn it up a bit?” I nodded in approval and shortly thereafter felt a slight contraction in my leg as a result of the adjustment. He went on to massage my right leg, and the inner thigh and butt work was nothing short of amazing. My left leg was jealous, but clearly not up to that sort of attention. I had to know this was coming, but somehow when the time arrived, I kinda freaked. Todd said, “OK, I’m going to remove the pads, and I’m going to need you to turn over.” I was hard as a rock. And there was nothing to do but turn over. So gay or not, Todd was going to see my dick in all its glory. He removed the pads, and I carefully rolled over.

“Oh wow” Todd said. “The EMS machine can do that to people. The stimulation can easily affect nearby areas. But don’t worry about it. It’s totally natural. Well, as natural as running electrical currents through your body can be.” We both chuckled a bit to ease the tension. I didn’t bother to say that the machine had absolutely nothing to do with it. He asked me to slide down a bit and put a pillow under my head. I was relieved to be out of the doughnut pillow. Not to mention, my view of Todd was vastly improved in this position. He repositioned the pads onto the front of my leg and cranked up the machine again. It was actually helping, and it also gave me a good excuse for my erection. Todd proceeded to work on my right leg from the top. Unlike the first part of the massage, Todd got a little chatty.

“So how long have you been in Minneapolis?” he asked. “Since May.” I responded. The small talk continued as he asked me about my job, where I went to school, where I grew up, and a host of other questions. The conversation wasn’t that strange, but having it naked while my cock was dribbling pre-cum at a rate I had never experienced before in my life was odd. Todd asked if I was ready to turn up the machine again. I said, “Sure, but if it stimulates my cock any more, my dick might explode.” He busted out laughing and said, “Yeah, that looks like it might be getting painful. You know, these things are made for medical purposes, but some people actually use them for sexual stimulation as well. You can use the clamps that hook onto the pads to hook onto other devices.” As he went over to turn up the machine, my mind was going wild with the possibilities. He turned it up, but clearly more than the last time. It was like he wanted to see my dick explode. When he turned back from the machine, it was the first time I had a clear view of him. He was hard as a rock, and his dick was stunning. Thick, uncut, veiny, huge egg-sized balls, and wiry blonde hair everywhere. It was hard to tell from my vantage point on the table, but he was probably seven inches or so. But with that girth, it seemed gargantuan. My impulse was to reach out and grab it. But my fear caused me to remain catatonic. He saw the way my eyes widened and he responded, “Yeah, you may not be the only one suffering. Sorry, I just couldn’t help it. I massage a lot of guys, many of whom are quite handsome and even well hung. But you seem to be more than just a pretty face, with, well shall we say, a big heart.” As he euphemistically referred to my dick, he ran a finger lightly under the head of it, and I thought I might shoot the biggest load of my life right then and there. I had never had anyone so blatantly refer to me in a positive sexual manner. Clearly, I was being flirted with, and I liked it.

He went back to my right leg and my curiosity got the best of me. I said, “So you say those clamps can hook onto other devices.” I held up my hands and made air quotes when saying the word devices. “So what do you mean by that?” Todd said, “Well you can hook them to metal butt plugs and stimulate someone anally that way. You can also use bands that wrap directly around the penis and stimulate them that way. You can also use a certain type of sound that has a flat metal part at the top which is meant for an electrical clamp to be placed on it. That can send the electrical stimulation to the interior of the shaft and even down to the prostate, and when used with the butt plug, it can send a current through your ass right up to the tip of your dick. Some people respond very well to them. Would you like to see?” I replied, “What is a sound. It’s obviously not a noise.” He replied, “Here. I’ll show you.” He walked over to a drawer and pulled out a long metal stick. I was like, “What do you do with that?” He said, “You lube it up, insert it into the urethra, and it’s like jacking off, but from the inside.” I winced at the idea, but was oddly turned on as well. He could see my discomfort but assured me, “It sounds worse than it is, and once you get used to it, it feels great. If you hook the electrical current up to it, it will send you to the moon and back. Would you like to try it?”

So I’m a virgin. I’ve never had sex. I’m in a dark room with a near stranger who I’m just figuring out is gay, or at least bi-sexual. And he’s offering me, as my first sexual experience ever, the kinkiest shit I’ve ever heard of, much less experienced. I feel like I’m in one of those Tesla videos where they are demonstrating the difference between Insane Mode and Ludicrous Mode. But instead of saying no, the words, “Is it safe?” seem to come out of my mouth involuntarily. Clearly I have reached a certain level of insanity due to dehydration from the loss of fluids due to my hour of electrically stimulated pre-cum. Todd quickly nods and says, “Well I would start out with the smallest one. I wipe them down with a sterilizing swab. I use medical grade lube, and I go really slowly. If there is any pain, I stop.” After a brief pause, I’m like, “Why not?”

Todd goes back to the drawer and pulls out a sound that is far less intimidating. He crawls up on the table and sits facing me. His feet are by my chest and he has positioned my legs on top of his spreading them apart to give him full access to my dick. He is still hard as a rock and I can feel the tip of his dick as it not so subtly glazes my asshole. I flinch at the contact. He says, “Do you like that?” I respond, “Well, it’s never happened before.” With great surprise, Todd inquires, “You mean you’ve never bottomed before? I mean with a dick like yours, I can see you being a total top. But never?” I don’t know why, but all the barriers came crashing down, and I just opened up to Todd. He was a massage therapist, not a therapist. But for some reason, I felt safe, which is ironic considering he was on the verge of shoving a metal rod down my dick and lighting it up with electricity.

With my revelations, it was Todd’s turn to be shocked. He had been out since high school. His parents were highly supportive, and he was sympathetic to my situation, but had no ability to be empathetic. He listened intensely, and the moment was emotional. But surprisingly, the sexual charge never faded. So he looked me in the eye one last time and said, “Are you sure you want to try this.” I just grinned while biting my lower lip. That was all he needed. He grabbed my throbbing cock and starting slowly inserting the sound into my dick. It stung a little bit at first, not to mention, it was a cold. But it slowly slid down my urethra. Todd gently guided it up and down stroking my cock from the inside while using his hand to stroke me from the outside.

He said, “Well that’s step one. Are you ready for step two?” He turned around, went to the drawer, and pulled out a small metal butt plug. Now keep in mind, I’ve never been fucked in my life. Nothing’s ever gone up there, much less a metal electric sex toy. But there are times in life where you are just too deep, and you might as well finish what you started. I replied, “Sure.” He squeezed the device in his hand as if to try to warm it up. He covered it in lube and started rubbing it up against my hole. I thought my eyes were going to roll back in my head. I had so much going on physically and mentally at the point that I thought I might pass out. The anal insertion took a while. Todd kept commenting on how tight I was. But at some point the mass broke through and seemed to lock into place. I could feel the stimulation on my leg stop as Todd unclamped the pads. He leaned over to turn down the juice and hooked the clamps to the butt plug and sound. I jumped, but quickly caught my breath. Todd just looked at me feeling joy in the obvious pleasure he was bringing to me and the momentous achievement of my sexual awakening. He got a big smile on his face and said, “Ready?” I whimpered a yes and he started turning up the current. I had never felt anything like it in my life. My ass was spasming, and it was like I was involuntarily milking the butt plug. Something was going on at the base of my dick I couldn’t explain. Nothing was moving, but I was on a ride like no other. As soon as my breath evened out again, Todd turned up the current again. He could tell I was on the verge. He said, “Tell me before you think you are going to cum. Based on your pre cum, this could be explosive, and I don’t want you to cum with the sound inside of you. It could literally fly out.” I replied, “I’m OK for the moment. It has kinda leveled out. But I will let you know.” Todd leaned down and did something I wasn’t expecting. He kissed me. Gently at first, but after a few seconds, quite aggressively. This distracted me from what was going on with my groin area, but the overall sensation was electric both literally and metaphorically. I pushed him off my mouth and said, “I’m about to explode.” He disconnected the clamps and slowly removed the sound and butt plug. He said, “Are you ready for the real thing?” He didn’t wait for an answer. He crawled up on the table and worked his thick dick into my dilated hole. He grabbed my dick and started stroking it while his dick was pumping my ass. I paid close attention to this feeling because I knew it wasn’t going to last for very long. I was screaming by this point and my first non-virginal ejaculation was on its way. The first spurt flew all the way over my head. The second went right across the bridge of my nose. The third hit my chin. The remaining ropes got progressively lower on my chest. When the fireworks were over, Todd let go of my dick, leaned back to brace himself, arched upwards a bit, and just slammed his cock into my ass at a mesmerizing pace. Within 20 seconds he stopped, and I could feel the warm jiz filling my ass.

When he was done, he didn’t pull out. He pulled me up by my arms, held me tight, and kissed me. His tongue licked the cum off of my face and when he kissed me again, I could taste my own cum, which was a first in a long night of so many firsts. I was 22 and had just had sex for the first time in my life. I was like a kid at an amusement park who had ridden his first rollercoaster. When the ride was over, I just wanted to get back in line and do it again.

Todd gave up the pretense that this was still a massage and led me to his bedroom. He pulled out some lube from the nightstand, threw it at me, and said, “This night is hardly over. Get to it!” I lubed up my dick, pushed his legs back, and did exactly as I was told. Having just cum one of the largest ejaculations of my life, I was able to control the timing a little at this point. I got into a deep penetrating rhythm and fucked Todd with abandon. My dick wasn’t as thick as his, but at 9”, it was certainly longer. He looked a little uncomfortable at first, but he egged me on, and I gave it to him hard just like he begged me to. I got lost in the moment and was floating as if I were high. The electrical stimulation might have fried my brain a little, but this high was not the result of Alieve, that was for sure. Not being experienced in all of this, I was too busy fucking him to jack his cock as well. But he seemed to be handling that just fine. I could feel my second round bubbling up to the surface, and from the sound of it, Todd wasn’t too far behind. I drove my cock in as deep, fast, and hard as I could, and although I didn’t think it was possible, this round felt even better than the first because my dick was in the warmest, tightest, most pleasurable of places, a place I had never experienced. After I caught my breath, I regained my situational awareness and realized Todd was about to cum. I pulled out, leaned over, and put my mouth on the head of his dick just in time to swallow a thick creamy load. I was hesitate about doing it, but since we were ticking off a list of firsts, I figured why not experience this as well.

Todd leaned over and said, “With that pain in your leg, you need to call in sick to work tomorrow so I can take excellent care of it.” I just smiled as he wrapped his whole body around me, turned off the light, and covered us with the blanket.