Christmas with my Professor

This True Story is written in a mixture of past and present tense (of the past) for an effective read, the speech is written out as closely and as best I can remember of how the events unfolded. Welcome back. 

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Chapter 11

 It has been over 2 months now since I last added an entry. I can appreciate that no one would probably care to read this anymore, as it is probably not as exciting in comparison to a fictional story. However, I have learned that with true stories you cannot always get the happy ending or shape the course of events as you can when telling a story, because this is real life. Things happen naturally and take time, so for anyone who have made it this far and engaged with my life thus far, I appreciate it. for me these entries started off as a bit of fun (spilling the tea), but I have truly found it therapeutic writing it all down, almost like a diary entry, but with some feedback.

In October I had a bumpy start to the academic year, some flings and a further encounter with Tom, but this time I was confronted by the harsh realities of his life and of my actions - away from the Lala Land we have created for ourselves. I spent a few days cooped up at home again, in my third week away from Uni life, but on the Thursday, four days after that encounter with Tom’s wife, I could not sleep. I sent a text to Tom that morning at 5:09am (Screenshot of message can be found in comment section):

 ‘Hey Tom, I've been thinking a while about this and I don't think we should carry on with this anymore. I really like you but this is not fair on your wife and it is not fair on me either. You clearly have a lot to sort out within your own marriage and are busy with work with the amount of stress you are under. I really want to focus as well this year so I just don't think this is working out for
either of us. I know it's random to text you at this hour but I've been having sleepless nights the last couple of days. You would be pleased to know that my fever has gone down. I'm coming back today. Please don't be weird about this Tom, let's just be normal and mutual. You are still a dear friend, but first and foremost you are my lecturer. I know you would probably have some questions so I'm happy to speak to you later on today if we have time. But after that I think it's best, we remain strictly lecturer and student. I hope you can understand? J’

 Tom’s response at 6:17am:

‘Good morning, Jay. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better now and that you are coming back to class today. Yes, I think we should definitely talk. I'll see you later on in campus, until then try and get some sleep this morning! T’

 *

I awoke by the blaring sound of my snooze alarm at around 9:10am, I managed to get some sleep so I could be alert for my 11am lecture and seminar for Tom’s class.

 The session went well, I didn’t speak at all today. Tom and me exchanged many looks, and Emily was so glad to see me. It was awkward walking back into class after I had stormed out three weeks earlier, but everyone just acknowledged me with their fake chirpy smiles and acted as if nothing had happened, which deep down I was grateful for. Tom messaged me in the middle of class and asked me to meet him in his office straight after the session.

 I stopped by the disabled toilets to get some space, and I just leaned back on the tiles, nervous, worried and sad about the conversation to come. I know it won’t be easy but I have to do this.  

As I approached Tom’s office door, I gave it two knocks but it had opened straight away upon my attempted third. Tom didn’t say a word, not even a hello. I walked into the centre of his office and stood there, as I turned back to the door, Tom slowly shut it and locked it. there was a long painful pause.

“Tom…” I said.

“Tom, I think it’s for the best. We can’t carry on like this, it’s not fair on me nor your wife and…”

 “I’m going to tell her.” He spoke.

 My eyes widened and all I can remember is feeling panic and nausea enter the pits of my stomach up to my throat. “No, you can’t. You can’t tell her Tom!! Don’t you want your marriage to work!?”

“It’s already been decided. It’s no longer a marriage – not anymore!”

 “But Tom, Wilma is such a nice woman, she doesn’t deserve this.”

 “Don’t tell me what my wife does and doesn’t deserve Jay. You don’t know how our marriage has been recently. And I have added to the downfall of it, so I only have myself to blame.”

 “Are you going to tell her about us?” I asked, scared to hear the answer.

 “Not if you don’t want me to…”

 “No, don’t.” I responded after a careful consideration.

 “When I do tell her, we can be together, don’t you see?” Tom said as he approached closer to me, he cupped my cheeks in his palms. I closed my eyes feeling his hands caress my jaw, chin and cheeks softly but I quickly flinched back, removing his hands away.

 “What the matter?” Tom said. “Don’t you want to be with me.”

 “Tom, if you want to tell your wife that the marriage is over or about your sexuality – your true sexuality, then that is fine. But don’t do it for me, do it for yourself.”

 “But I am doing it for myself, but I’m also doing it for us...”

 “Tom, there can’t be an us. It isn’t realistic.”

 “So, what are you trying to say? What had happened between us over the last year was not real, that you felt nothing?’ Tom asked bitterly.

 “Of course not, but people are going to get hurt and I can’t live knowing that I am the cause of that hurt, and a relationship between student and lecturer is not going to look right in front of management, the board and everyone else.”

 “But the hurt won’t be because of you, that is a whole private matter between me and my wife. Yes, you helped me to realise I need to be honest with her – but what’s worse, me doing this or me continuing to live like this, in this lie if you had not come along? And no one has to know, we can carry on like this until you graduate. It’s only a year and a half more.”

 Tom came closer again, cupping my cheek with his right hand and taking my hand with his left, he leaned down to me and teased my lips, I can feel his shallow breaths upon them. We kissed for a moment but all I remember is tears flowing down my face. What he is saying makes sense but what I am feeling is guilt. I retracted and as I did Tom wiped away my tears with his thumb.

 “I’m going to tell her this weekend.”

 I remained silent for a moment, unable to look up at him.

 “Don’t think about us for now, let me tell her this weekend and I will tell you how it went next week. If it’s easier for you we can keep things simple. Just focus on your studies and come in to your sessions, okay?” He said reassuringly. I nodded in response and then proceeded towards the door,

 “Tom…”

 “Yes?”

 I began to babble, with tears flooding my eyes, my face beginning to scrunch up, “Tell your wife that I’m Sorry!” I whaled out, now unable to contain my emotions.

 Tom came towards me and grabbed me away from the door, he held onto me and hugged me. I began to cry uncontrollably and was shaking in his presence. I wanted to stop and didn’t want him to see me like this but I couldn’t, I just froze in his arms and I could not stop.

 ***

 For the first three weeks of November, I avoided Tom as much as I could. I continued to attend sessions, including his. He tried to sneak a written note to me but I ignored it, I also ignored his text, phone calls and emails. I didn’t give him an entirely cold shoulder, I answered his questions, asked questions and got involved with discussions in class. But I remained his student during those three weeks. I’m not sure why I did this, probably for my own sanity? On the third week after class had finished, Tom followed me out as I was one of the last to leave (from packing up my belongings). I continued to walk but he grabbed my wrist. Ahead of us was Emily, and although she was walking ahead of me, I think she noticed as I seen her eyes cut towards my hand, but she has not asked me anything to date.

 “Jay!!” Tom whispered hastily.

 “Err… you go ahead I will catch up with you.” I told Emily.

 We waited as Emily walked out of the now empty corridor; Tom pretended to discuss student rep duties to me to style it out.

“Why are you ignoring me??” he asked.

 “I just need some space, normality...”

 “Don’t you want to know what had happened when I spoke to her?”

 I sighed. “Not really.” a pause. “Did it go well?” I asked.

 “Yes and no. I told her the truth, that our marriage is not working out and I think we should break up. She suggested we see a marriage counsellor. I hesitated for a while that evening and then I admitted to her about my sexuality. She thought I was joking at first and said that I hit a new low for lying my way out to be with her. Eventually she came to realise I was speaking the truth and… well she didn’t take it well, she felt sick – disgusted. I just remember feeling ashamed.”

I stood there, listening to Tom as he spoke, not knowing what to say. Somebody walked past us and we remained silent for a moment.

 “She moved out almost the next day and has filed for divorce.”

 “I’m sorry Tom. You shouldn’t feel ashamed about who you are, you know that right?”

 “I know. I’m ashamed for allowing her to be married to me under false pretences, for wasting most of her adult life.”

 “Are you happy?” I stupidly asked.

 “I suppose, I’m not exactly ecstatic. I don’t know how I should feel. But I do feel a whole weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.”

 I smiled at Tom, wanting to hug him but realising again that we are not truly alone.

 “I’m happy for you Tom. I just hope things get easier for you from here on.”

 “Well, the house will be the first thing to be gone I can guarantee that, so its most Likely that I may need to move out or buy another place with my share.”

 “I’m sorry.”

 “Don’t be. Can I ask… have you given us a thought? – actually don’t answer yet, can we talk properly? Can we get dinner soon?

 “Ermm.”

 “Please say yes.”

 “Alright, I’ll let you know which evenings I’m free.” I responded

To be continued...