Caution Ahead: Commitment Under Construction

Men at Work on Long-Range Building Project

You’ve seen the personal ads:

“Let’s get together and see where life’s road takes us”

“Seeking a guy 35-40 for a timeless relationship”

“Want a very attractive guy for a lifetime commitment”

“Romantic, sincere and believe in a committed relationship”

But how big of a part does belief actually play in the construction of a relationship? Or sincerity or attractiveness or age? Which factors do we see as the truly important ones? What might prevent someone from engaging in a long-term commitment who many consider a “good catch?” Why do many relationships end only a short time after they begin? These questions, and other similar ones, suggest that relationships involve much more than we may at first believe, especially those of the same gender. Many decide to hitch a ride along a different route, one that looks easier, quicker or more beautiful. Who can blame them? The road certainly does not appear trouble-free. It may involve unexpected detours, difficult challenges, sudden barricades, disappointing delays. An inexperienced or impatient traveler might find the going too rough, the obstacles too numerous. Yet for others, the potential reward ahead will more than compensate for the problems encountered.

What kind of obstacles may we find around the next bend? Each person scatters his own assortment in the roadway, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes just to see what we will do. The following items constitute only a sampling of the potential hazards. While none of them necessarily must lead to misfortune, the vigilant voyager may at least benefit from having a cautionary map. Perhaps he may even recognize a few hazards of his own that he has left along the way.

Distance

Realistically, lovers do not find each other living in the same neighborhood. It can happen, but we’d better not count on it. So, what do you do if you become seriously involved in a person who lives hundreds, or possibly thousands, of miles away? One may hope and wish and fantasize, but developing a long-term commitment means planting a seed and continuing to nourish it. Sometimes pen pals meet and discover they interact very well. Yet distance might make frequent meetings impractical and/or too expensive, thus slowing down the gradual nourishment process even more. Disturbing questions arise. How much time can distant friends devote to each other? How much time amounts to not enough time? How many miles add up to too many miles? Can both people work toward the same goal with the same degree of effort? One might think that the opposite situation—both guys living under the same roof—would present few problems. Yet some males discover they need more space and independence than a shared residence provides. Believing that living together will automatically make everything right may end up creating more problems than it solves.

Mobility

Imagine that you’ve lucked out and the guy of your dreams lives nearby. Hold onto the steering wheel: he could relocate. Today it seems that people change cities or states almost spontaneously. This can throw a monkey wrench into your plans, unless you can relocate as well. Conversely, does the guy of your dreams even have a steering wheel? If not, you may find yourself operating an unlimited-mileage escort service, with limited rebates—and reflecting on personal ads that read, “Must have own transportation.”

Men Working

Even if the person you want to pursue lives nearby, his work schedule could radically depart from yours. Constantly switching gears to fit him into your free hours could eventually make you feel as though part of you exists in another time zone. Do both people know how to make the best use of the short time they may have together? Can they handle the added stress factor this may present?

Cadillacs and Economy Cars

While you may think it extreme to rule out someone because his income level differs widely from yours, some people do have more than a passing interest in this philosophy. “Next time I’m marrying for money,” they say. Most of us don’t take it that far, although one might pause to consider what kinds of limitations can occur when mismatched in- comes exist in a developing friendship. Will you feel comfortable if he pays for your movies, dinners, vacations, etc.—or if you pay for his? To what extent do unequal in- comes matter in regard to self-esteem, independence and continuing happiness? Who takes the back seat? Who gets the driver’s seat?

An Overcrowded Vehicle?

How much time do you want to spend with your guy? Does he have obligations which limit his available time? Family activities and problems play a major role in the lives of some people. In other cases, a person with a wide circle of friends may need considerable time in order to maintain those friendships. Groups, sports, even replying to email, could fill many hours each week, further reducing availability. One might also take care not to underestimate the importance of pets. For some, the pet comes first. The pet may accompany the owner to a variety of locations, both inside and outside the home. Reserving times and places strictly for you and the pet’s master could require more ingenuity and patience than you can summon. But remember that the pet has al- ready proven its friendship with unconditional loyalty and companionship, an achievement not always prominent among homo sapiens.

Tailgating

Pursuing somebody too aggressively may not get the result you envision. To know when to back off and wait for a response takes skill and self-control. Not getting a positive reaction—or any reaction—from someone you especially want as a friend spells big disappointment. Yet each of us selects friends on the basis of our own needs and impressions, not somebody else’s. Another problem—pursuing not aggressively enough—causes disappointments as well. Your only satisfaction may lie in the fact that you did what you could. You might not have another chance with the guy you lost, but maybe you will connect with someone even more terrific.

The Year of Manufacture

If you set up a narrow age range for a potential long-term friend or lover, this could severely limit the chance of you finding him. People have biases for and against many things, including every age group. No one escapes—not even you. For some, the number 24 suggests highly desirable physical qualities that can blind one to other factors about the person. For others, 24 may suggest highly undesirable qualities of personality or behavior. Someone who must have a friend who mirrors his own age, and perhaps additional personal characteristics, may not have time for you, but only for himself.

The Body Style

We know how easily an outward appearance can catch our eye. A person’s physical traits make an immediate impact that we cannot ignore. Our own fantasies likewise contribute to what we see. Despite the degree of beauty, friendships grow from inner personality factors, not from outer appearances. Over the years inevitable changes take place in everyone. If we seek a continuing relationship, its durability may depend on the beauty inside, not what we see on the outside.

Breakdowns

If our friend’s health fails, will our commitment fail also? How much do we really care about him? What kind of experiences would give us the chance to demonstrate this? Many people find it easy to receive attention. How many find it just as easy to give? If the friend has an addiction, how differently do we approach the problem? Do we have a limit on how much of ourselves we can offer before our health, whether physical or psychological, breaks down as well?

Sexy Cars

Like physical appearance, the amount and type of sexual activity changes over the years as well. In the long run, lovers may value the ability to adapt above sexual skills. The belief that compatible sex practices, or that sleeping together frequently, will alone ensure a lasting relationship oversimplifies the matter. A strong relationship depends on the unique interaction of countless intangible elements of mind and personality. These complement, contrast and blend with one another, creating the subtle “chemistry” that people speak about. If the chemistry works, a relationship can continue even though sexual activity declines.

Get Out the Road Maps

Has your friend decided on which route he will take regarding orientation? What degree of self-awareness and self-acceptance does he possess? Does he feel comfortable with himself? Does he need more time to explore intriguing or obscure avenues of sexuality within himself? As much as you’d like him to accelerate the process and find the right road, maybe at the moment he can’t tell you if he prefers men or women, or both, or neither. How much time will you allow him to figure this out? How long can you remain happy while you wait?

Oil and Water

A good argument can certainly liven things up, but can you handle a prolonged one? Some viewpoints can carve deep channels into a personality, effecting attitudes and decisions about many things. Disagreements concerning politics or religion, for example, could last a lifetime. The ability to tolerate views that conflict with one’s own thoughts does not come easily for many people. How passionately does your friend believe in his ideas? How passionately do you hold to yours?

Resurfacing

Do you want to repair or reform a person’s interests or values into different, more desirable ones—perhaps resembling yours? Attempting this project can take one down a bumpy course. And merely to wait, hoping the guy will change, stalls us on a dead-end road. People often resist any kind of change, even if it may result in self-improvement or self-preservation. Over time, some people do change, but waiting expectantly to see different behaviors and thinking usually brings only frustration and unhappiness.

Full-Serve and Self-Serve

People often help friends with one thing or another, yet when a friend relies on you for constant support—financially or emotionally—you may want to ask yourself if this situation satisfies or upsets you. Sometimes one can help a dependent person more by not helping him in ways that would sustain the dependency. Though difficult, this may stimulate him to act more autonomously. A highly independent individual presents a contrasting challenge. Accustomed to doing things alone and solving his own problems, the self-motivated guy could have trouble cruising smoothly into an unfamiliar territory of shared responsibilities and joint decision-making. He may feel disoriented having to travel on a multitude of two-way rather than one-way streets.

Warning Signs

Certain personality traits have a negative influence on developing friendships and relationships. Colliding with these hazards can cause serious damage if we fail to see them in time. They exist in the form of selfishness, self-centeredness, jealousy, possessiveness and dishonesty. When they confront us, we may not have many options except to steer around them.

Any Color But Green?

If we can detect destructive traits, can we also recognize and appreciate traits that will encourage and sustain a relationship? These advantageous qualities may, in fact, form the fuel that fires a lasting relationship—the ability to share, thoughtfulness, integrity, flexibility, honesty. People unable to see these “green lights” in others may never reach their destination: would they know it if they saw it?

Rest Areas

People talk a lot about making commitments, about following through on what they say, yet some guys have a hard time with this. They renege on promises of all kinds—from the simple to the serious. They may not think it important to respond to a phone call or an email message. More disturbing, they may not know how to make a long-range decision, or how to dedicate themselves to a monogamous relationship. To these people the word “commitment” seems to have its own special power to throw them off course. “They can’t even spell it,” noted one wit.

Destination: Love

Although a basic human need, love—especially lasting love—seems to elude many of us. We may all desire it, but not everyone knows how to find it or express it. Others may know, yet shyness, fear or other factors may prevent them from pursuing a committed relationship. Love has many components, including sacrifice. For one person, having a lover means having a guy who likes to do what he wants to do. For another, having a lover means that almost any activity could become enjoyable as long as both lovers experience it together.

Fast Lane or Slow Lane?

Building a long-range relationship takes patience and perseverance. In the course of daily routines and other activities, does your friend tend to procrastinate, while you tend to act immediately? Here communication plays an important role. Can you find one path that will accommodate the pace of both people? Over a longer span of time, do the efforts you direct toward your partner seem to go nowhere? Perhaps not enough time has passed since the end of a previous relationship of his—or of yours. Maybe a previous relationship has not entirely ended. Look carefully before switching lanes.

Time Trials

We can never know everything about a person. Even what we do know may have taken months or years to discern. Some people reveal their inner natures very slowly; some never really open up completely. Yet over time you may find wonderful qualities you would have missed if you had parted company too soon. Not all friendships go on forever, but people have claimed that they outlast relationships. This might happen because friendships frequently unfold in their own time, without a lot of deliberate prompting or the existence of pre-set requirements. We can only do our best with those we meet, realizing that perfect people, and perfect matches, only exist in the realms of fiction. We may find that actual guys have many more complicating traits than we had expected. However, by looking at the challenges they present, we may gain a valuable insight into something else along the way that we had not anticipated—ourselves.