Recovery Chapter One: A New Reality
I woke with a start. Had I been dreaming? I couldn't remember anything specific, but I was left with an uneasy feeling, dread, almost. But, of course, given the situation, that was quite understandable.
The room was quiet and dark. Ben was sleeping peacefully, illuminated by the gentle glow of the softly beeping monitor. At first there had been more, but they had ceased using most of them soon after he had been moved to a private room. I looked at my watch. His mother would be here soon, and I would head home to an empty apartment and another lonely night. Both she and his father had arrived only hours after the accident, and we had waited together anxiously for news of his condition. He and another forest ranger had been working to clear a hiking path after a particularly violent windstorm, when a widow-maker collapsed at an unexpected angle and fell on top of him, crushing his lower spine. Thankfully his partner was unhurt and called for an airlift. By the time I was informed, he had already had an MRI, and was undergoing a battery of other tests .
That was almost a week ago, and what a long night it was. The doctor finally emerged at around ten and told us that it wasn’t as bad as they had first thought. His life was not in danger, and his spinal column was intact but had been wrenched violently. There had been a good bit of bruising to the organs in his lower abdomen, but nothing was damaged and there was no significant internal bleeding. He was, however, paralyzed from the waist down. They could not yet say if this was temporary or permanent, and we would just have to wait and see.
I walked over to his bedside and kissed him tenderly. He opened his eyes and smiled at me. “Why are you still here?” he asked. “You should be home, sleeping.”
“I can’t sleep these days, you know that.” I laid my head on his chest and tried not to cry. “I miss you. The apartment is so empty, even with all those kids downstairs.”
He caressed my hair and leaned forward to kiss the top of my head. “I’ll be out of here soon, the doctors promised, sometime in the next few days. They say I’m healing quite quickly.”
“I know,” I sighed as I ran my hand along his torso, allowing it to creep under the sheet. “But it’s already been…”
“Are you copping a feel again?” he interrupted with a smile. “It’s no good, I still can’t feel anything down there.”
I offered him a wicked grin and replied, “I can always hope, can’t I?”
“Yes. We both can.” At that moment his mother walked in. She stood in the doorway for a moment and took in the scene.
A slight grin tinged the corners of her mouth as she approached us. First she kissed him on the forehead and said, “Good evening, dear, I hope you’re well.” Then kissing my forehead, she smiled and offered, “I’m sure he’ll let you know when it’s working again.”
“Mom!”, he cried in embarrassment.
“I’ll keep that in mind, Sandra.” I said, removing my hand from under the sheet.
She placed her coat on the one chair in the room and turned to look at me more closely. “You look dreadful. Have you been sleeping?”
“A little,” I admitted, “But I keep having these weird dreams. I might as well not sleep at all.”
“I understand,” she commiserated, placing a hand on the side of my face. “Every time Hal goes on one of his hunting trips...Well, let’s just say the bed gets awful lonely.”
Ben again registered his protest. “Mom, I don’t want to hear about your sex life!”
“Well, I’ve got one whether you want to think about it or not,” she scolded. Then turning to me, she continued, “Besides, it’s not about sex. It’s about loneliness, the comfort of another body, the sound of his breath, his warmth, the feeling of safety and belonging.” She held my gaze for a moment and softly asked, “am I right?”
All I could do was nod. She had hit it on the head. She again caressed my face, then taking charge, she ordered, “Now kiss him goodnight and go to bed. You need your rest as much as he does.”
I had gotten to know her well enough to know that tone of voice. I did as she said, probably holding him a bit too long for a simple goodnight. She stopped me at the door and assured me, “I’ll take good care of him, and if anything changes I’ll call you immediately. I promise.”
I thanked her and took my leave.
At this hour the parking garage at the hospital was pretty much deserted. The silence and emptiness enfolded me. The streets were almost as empty as the parking structure, and I began to be overwhelmed by the idea of the empty apartment, but where else could I go? In the distance I could see some lights, and I realized it was a small bar. I didn’t really frequent bars much, especially not alone, but at least there would be people there. I decided to stop in for one drink before facing the barrenness of home.
There were only a few vehicles visible, but the music was loud and the TV’s were playing a variety of professional sports games at full volume. A few knots of friends were chattering animatedly over the din, but they were mostly seated at tables. I sat alone at the bar and ordered a glass of wine. It wasn’t like me to resort to alcohol to help me sleep, but the last week had changed a lot of things.
The bartender could see that I didn’t really want to talk, so he left me alone. He was right. I needed to be around people, but I was in no mood to socialize. I allowed myself to relax for a moment, letting the noise wash over me and offer some respite from the emptiness I felt inside. My reverie was broken by a voice behind me. It was a low growl, whispered so close to my ear that I could feel his breath on my neck. “Hey, faggot, looks to me like you need a dick to suck.”
I turned to find three rednecks in their mid thirties standing close behind me. They each wore a stupid grin and it was clear they were trying to be menacing. It was also clear from their smell and slurred speech that they were all drunk. The ringleader continued by grabbing his crotch and saying, “You looked so lonely over here by yourself, we thought we’d help you out. We hear you prissy boys give great head.”
Up to this point they had been quiet enough not to draw attention to themselves, but when I tried to get up and walk away, they got a little louder. “Hey, faggot, where you going? You ain't sucked my dick yet.” All eyes turned in our direction as they became agitated. He turned to his friends and asked, “What do you think boys, shall we take him out to the truck or feed him right here?”
Before anyone could answer, a large muscular man in biker leathers stepped up to my side and folded his arms across his chest, staring them down. The redneck ringleader looked him up and down, then puffing out his chest he shouted, “Get lost, asshole, this ain’t none of your business!”
“It ain’t?” he asked calmly. “I think it is.”
“Well, that’s where you’re wrong, now scram or me and my friends will…”
“Will what?” He leaned forward and knocked the guy’s baseball cap off his head. “Bring it on.” Four other bikers positioned themselves behind the rednecks without saying a word. Realizing they were outclassed, the other two scurried away towards the door, but the ringleader was too drunk to get a grasp of the situation. He began sputtering threats and curses, but the biker just looked at one of the other leather men and ordered, “Give him some coffee and take his keys from him. He can either sleep it off in the back or you can call him a cab. Just get him out of here.”
Once the redneck was out of sight, the biker turned to me and asked, “Are you alright?”
I was shaken by the encounter, and he could see it. “I’m fine,” I lied. Suddenly the empty apartment seemed like a sanctuary, and all I wanted to do was to crawl into the safety of my bed and sleep for a week.
“Sure,” he nodded, then looking at the bartender, he ordered, “A coke for my friend here, on the house.”
“On the house?” I asked, looking at him a little closer.
“Yeah, I’m the owner, live in the back over the pool room. Mike.” He extended his hand. “And you’re Joey. How’s Ben doing?”
I was flabbergasted. I had never set eyes on this man before, but he seemed to know all about me. “He’s fine...recovering...umm...do I know you?”
He laughed, “Nah, we’ve never met, but Helmut pointed you two out to me once when we were...well, to be honest, when we were out together looking for some ass. I don’t think you even knew we were there.”
“Evidently not,” I smiled. “Thank you for stepping in.”
“Anytime,” he slapped me on the back just a little too hard. “Don’t let those three bother you. Bunch of chicken-shits. Harmless really, until they get too much in ‘em, then they get...ambitious.” He thought for a moment and turned to the bartender. “I though I told you to keep an eye on those three.”
“I did, boss, they only had two whiskey’s each. Must have been loaded before they got here.”
Mike just nodded his head, “mmm, knowing them.” He sighed and sat in silence.
I finished my coke, glad for the caffeine to clear my head, and turned to go. “It’s nice to meet you, Mike.” This time I offered him my hand. “Now that I know about this place, I’ll have to stop in again sometime. Any friend of Helmut’s…”
He smiled and walked me to my car. “When does Ben get out of the hospital?”
“Soon,” I answered, finally starting to fade. “Next couple of days.”
He looked at me and asked, “You sure you’re OK to get home? Should I call you a cab?”
“No, I’m just tired. Besides, it’s only a couple of miles from here. I should be fine.”
He reluctantly let me go, but all the way home I noticed a single headlight following me from a distance. “I seem to have found myself a guardian angel,” I thought as I ascended the stairs to my lonely apartment. And with that thought I was able to release the difficulties of the day and fall into a peaceful sleep.
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