Everything started the 14 December on my 20'th birthday 2004. I had a grand party with all my friends, relatives and my girlfriend. I was suppose to propose to her, she was my love of my life. I know that she was the one even from the start, i loved her wit hall my heart and she dumped me at the spot in front of them all, it was the most disastrous day of my life.

''Sandra, you are the love of my life, i knew it even from the start. There is nothing else then you on my mind and only the only one in my heart. These 5 years with you have been the best years of my life and i would never trade it away for anything in the world. I love you Sandra! Do you love me? Then i beg for your hand in marriage. My only dream is to spend it all with you!''

''B-b-b...but...'' did she say, she hesitated. Everyone in the room just stare at her. You could actually see the sweet drop from her forehead.

''I can't... i can not bare it any more! No.. Never! I cant hide it any more, the tough of you is just repulsing, for the last year has been a pain, i didn't just know how to break up without hurting you but i simply... don't... care any more. I'm sorry! But please just leave me be now''

I could not believe what i just heard, no one could. We just stood there meanwhile she left the room. My heart was crushed, i couldn't cry, i couldn't go, i just stood paralyzed there. I Couldn't even go to my room, i was just catatonic. A piece of my soul as been riped apart, gone, disappeared, i was lost...

Nothing more happened during that party, many stayed trying to cheer me up but i was just devastated.

The next few weeks wasn't better at all, i just sat, I couldn't drop it. Lucky i was on welfare cause i was in no condition to work. My Brother and mother tried they're best to cheer me up but nothing would. Meanwhile my father just complained that i was unemployed and told me to go on that Missionary trip abroad to learn more about Christianity.


My mother and father divorced when i was 2 years old, I can see why they are nothing alike. My mother is a proud mega hippie and my father is a conservative pentecostal. They meet in during some demonstration and went madly in love but after 7 years they broke up. My mother has always been the liberate anarcho-privitist meanwhile my father has been the conservative, discipled and strict one. They were totally oppose. When they broke up they split the custody, my father raised my brother and i had my mother.

My mother has never been rich, we've been living in the same flat since they broke up, in the same old crappy neighborhood. We were the only white family in our 15 floor high flat house. I didn't see my brother that often but he left from my father in pretty early age, He HATED him. My brother couldn't stand my fathers rule... he was truly my mothers son. Today he is one of the best graffiti artists of Sweden but he has really high dept that he will never be able to pay of. Easy said neither of us had a rather easy upraising.


Just some weeks after the break up with my girl did i found out that he has been cheated on me for the last half year. This made me more mad but instead of feeling sorry for your self did i went to visit her. I was filled with furiousness this time... she was just a bitch and she was going to pay.

She was a bit chocked to see me at her doorstep but before she said anything did i yell

''Why did you cheat on me, why didn't you just break me up, in a decent way!? It was so cruel of you to play with my emotions like that...''

''Well what should i say? What the fuck did you want me to say then? What would make you felt better? Should i just had been honest!? That being with you is like being with a freaking corpse!?!? There is nothing there, everything is dead... Just dead! The sex, my emotions, you are just a shallow soul with nothing to grant me. I was foolishly in love the first years until i saw the truth. You were just a puppet made from my wishes and needs, with nothing personal to grand you. Everything was just 'Oh yes honey'... There was no action, no drama, no excitement cause you are nothing, just a void, an emotional vacuum. IS that what you wanted to hear? No matter how pitifully you tried to fill that hole, the only thing that could would be another mans dick! I Didn't want to hurt you but i had no choice, i could lie for mounts but i could not lie a marriage.''

I couldn't control my self after that, those words, 'being with me is like being with a corpse, there is nothing there... Just Dead! A bit void, an emotional vacuum.' just hurt so bad. Without thinking i punched her with all my power right in the face, you could see the imprint of my knuckles on her face. I was just in so much pain. She didn't cry or any, she just swore revenge and closed the door.

A few mounts later did i get convicted for Rape and Assault cause of her. I had never raped her and that was the only punch. No profs was needed, just some of her tears and that tale and i got jailed for many years.

Those years in prison was hell, i had never been the gangish type although I've was in one as a child. Locked in with all freedoms taken from you and there is nothing you can do sucks, specially when the jail gangs always tried to recruit and let me just say that they do not take no for granted... I became like a ghost, or a corpse as my ex find me as. I was just for my self, didn't spoke to any and avoided all social contacts.

when i got released out from the prison i took the advise my father gave to me years ago, to go on a 'Missionary' trip to England. I have never been a Christian and i will never be, but i just needed to get away from Sweden, to get a new start. Atleast Eskilstuna, my home town has just brought me misery.

After a while i found a Waitering job in a local pub in Leeds. I just lied to my father that i was going to Dublin with other catholics to earn more about god and so i got a big check of money for me to live for a while. my father was rather rich but i have never had a strong bound since i was upraised by my mother, thats why he always wanted me to go to Christian camps and other shit. My father has always seen me as a sinner, a pagan or something. When i was little he always used to say ''You MUST baptize! A baptized kid is a kid with no future, cause you will not be protected from sin. If you wont baptize you will start humping other men or kill them and those BURN IN HELL!! do you wanna burn in hell? Then Baptize and god will always protect you!''. He has always been the kind of person that is like 'Read my bible and embrace god or get hit by it!', i wonder how my brother could hate him... cough**


The trip went smooth and easy and the manager from the Restaurant picked me up and drove me there. Everyone there was very kind and for the first couple of weeks did i work as an apprentice just for room and food. I had no experience in Waitering from it before that will say. But there was a guy there, that i got very found of and it was the bartender, it didn't took a long time for us to get friends.

I tried dating many girls during my time there, but nothing clicked. I had no attraction to women anymore after my ex, i still have her in my mind and every time i was with a girl i tough of her... so at the end i stopped dating, just to avoid open this wound. I was sure that i were not gay, i had never tough of men in that way, but

everything in a women just reminded me of Sandra and it repulsed me. It was sad but nothing i could do. life goes on.

I loved working as a waiter but people is just the same everywhere you go. Many questioned how a guy could be Asexual but i just told them that its my choice, i was never going to speak about my past. Many said things like 'Ah poor sucker, your to ugly to get a girl but can't admit it?', 'Because you are secretly gay but to afraid to come out of the closet are you?', 'So... you are woman in a mans body or why?' and more. It was very frustrating some times.

One day i just snapped, i couldn't take it, so i just sat in my room and started to play World of Warcraft, day in day out. Sandra was the love of my life and no matter how much i try i cant get over. Everything came back to me, and just started to cry in the middle of the customer in front of everyone, at the same time i panicked about this so i just ran home. Laying in bed trying to sleep, trying to relax but i couldn't. The manager from the restaurant called me and asked what happened. I just told him that my mother has died and that woman just reminded so much of her so i just snapped. I got many weeks free as being sick.

After a while of trying to relax i just turned on my computer and played some games and it was very soothing. My mind was so concentrated on the game the toughs disappeared but every time i stopped they came back, it was like a drug to me... i couldn't stop and at the end i didn't got a kick, it just made me go to a normal state of mind.

The time just flew by and i forgot the work, i almost got kicked because i never came to work afterwards. But Steve the Bartender, my 'New' best friend came to visit me at that point.

''Hi there Karl how are you? We haven't seen you in a while and we miss you down there.'' Did Steve say when i opened the door.

''Erm Hi... Steve... erm... I'm... I'm... erm... I'm better now but it still hurts badly...'' Did i say.

''You look... a bit... horrible I'm sorry. But mate i gotta ask you, what has really happened? It always feels better to talk about it and I'm the closest you got here. I know your mother is not dead.''

'' Well... y-y-yes s-she is dead!''

''I looked it up on the net, i didn't know you had a brother''


''I Beg you don't lie to me... Whats bothering you bro?''



''... Well... Well... I...I.....I j-j-ju...I..... Please.... I... A-alright i'll tell you''

After hesitating for telling the truth i know it had to be done. I just opened up, told him everything, about Sandra and why I've felt so bad. It just felt so weird ease your heart but also so bad, i cried like hell, it was just so much emotions i had isolated all my life. It was just to open the wound and let the blood run free. But it was really scary to, my emotions just took over, i was not in control, like if i was possessed.

After i cried all my passionate feelings came back to Sandra, i just couldn't control myself. I just started to Make out him him and stroking him on his chest and his 6-pack. Like beastly-instincts kicking in, but yet it felt so good, so right, so passionate.

I started undressing him and he did the same with me. He started stroking my package meanwhile i continued making out and stroking his hair and back. I start pulling him to my table while he raises his legs to allowing me to penetrate his anal with my penis. I just started humping him and it the feeling was so indescribable, it was familiar but yet so strange and exotic, at a point you was mentally in heaven. I couldn't stop now when i have never felt this good ever, not even when i fucked Sandra it felt so wonderful.

I have no idea if it was because i haven't had sex in 5 years, if it was because i was tranced by the memory of Sandra or if i enjoyed fucking another man but it was sincerely the best fuck ever but also the strangest. I have either loaded like that ever before, it was like a canon.

It wasn't until a minute after the sex i realized what i had done. I just got stunned, froze in chock. I had sex with another man... and i like it!? I couldn't help it but i just started panicking, started screaming. I had never been against gays, I've always had the attitude that 'As long as they leave me be i don't care' but i have never tough that i would be one.

I saw the confusion in Steve's eyes, he had no clues what was happening.

''W-w-what the fuck happened here!? W-w-wh... Gaaah!!!!!'' Did i just yell.

''Pardon me I'm a bit confused, didn't you want this?''

''NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why...how... are you gay!?''

''Well... I have always knew but i have never gotten out with it, actually you was my first. But what about you... You pumped me so hard you must had liked it? Wasn't you the asexual bloke hehe?''

''I....I....I.... I.... Can't explain it, I Wasn't my self, it was like if i got possessed by something. I've been isolating my feelings for years and when i opened me up, I had like an emotional overload.... Everything is so....''

''Unreal, strange? Don't you think its the same for that yet i don't yell? My as sure is in pain...''

''Could you please shut up!? Everything I knew is... I don't know what i shall think any longer!! Think im going insane!!''

''Well try to relax bud...''

''How can i relax!? Its like everything my father have said is true... My relation with Sandra was a failure, i went to prison thanks to that, i have not had a easy childhood and i almost did suicide here because of the pain inside and now i am fucking boys? My life will be a ruin as long as i don't embrace god''

''Think of it like this could be a turning point in your life. As i see right now you aren't upset at Sandra at all, as if you had forgotten her when an hour ago you cried''

''When i think about it. I... have no feelings attached to her any more... but what now? I still don't understand. Do you mind to leave me be? I need some alone time''

''But what shall i tell the boss?''

''Let him kick me if he wants, but encourage him to give me some more time, yet i don' deserve it.''

As i saw him leave i couldn't help to wonder if i tough he was hot or not. I can't decide. Its like i have tried to hit it of with women but it didn't work, but why did my feelings to Sandra just disappear? Will that make me able to date girls? How could the sex feel so good? Was it because it was so long time since i did it? Was the tough of Sandra so strong? Am i gay? What about Steve, what should i do about him? Everything just became complicated...




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