We all have that friend. You know the one? Nothing’s gone right for him., he’d have to become many shades happier just to be bitter. To say he’s turned the wrong way multiple times in his life’s journey is charitable. I am that friend, it’s laugh or cry —you may as well laugh. Play safe!
The place had a dingy feel to the outside. A single aluminum door, no glass and a sign. The sign was not lit. It did not call attention to itself in anyway other than the grime that seemed to be there for generations.
I pulled my phone out, glanced at it. Mark said he would be here already. I took the steps one at a time, extremely slowly ~what can I say, a 400 pound older retiree, slowly up the stairs is a run! I walked to the attendant. A very nice looking south Asian guy. Mid 20s. Extremely muscular wearing only a thong, just the way I like them. He smiled, handed me back my change and a key. He tried to get away with giving me a regular sized towel. Can you imagine! What am I supposed to do with that? I’m not even sure it would fit around my neck! I thanked him for pretending that would be something I’d fit into and reminded him I would need the extra extra large towel. He smiled sheepishly as he ducked under the counter and swapped out my towel. It was still early, 8 PM so the change room was incredibly empty. I got out of my street clothes and stored them in the locker, putting my phone where I could grab it with the towel around my waist and locked the locker carefully, slipping my slippers on as I went. Slippers are definitely required.
Staff cleans often, thoroughly— guests dirty, more often even more thorough.
I always start off in the shower, I don’t know why. Oh, who are we kidding, I’m in the shower for the view.! A deep voice from behind me boomed ‘ Rick! You’re scaring them away! Just two seconds ago there was a Greek God with at least 30 cm, he caught sight of you out of the side of his eye and poof- he was gone.’
And there was Mark. A little over 5 feet, dark brown hair that was more saint these days. Thin with just a hint of definition that was his body’s former self. Abs made way to a tummy years ago and it was on full view. His open face looked a bit hollow these days and lips a smile didn’t cross here days too often.
‘ Mark! they’ll let anyone in here now! I thought you had to be this high in order to be riden?’ I put my hand up to my waist, indicating the minimum height. Mark let out a grunt but I could see in his eyes that he was amused.
‘ Well let’s vow not to share again. Last time the poor thing kept clutching his ribs by the time you were done with him. THEY always say they want to experience it with a bigger guy on top, I’m pretty sure none of these guys took physics.’
I turned off the water and wrapped myself in the towel again.
It was a normal Tuesday. Not too busy and not too empty. A good sized crowd. We were on our usual bench. Right outside the locker area. Porn played on a tv hung near the ceiling. There is a good view of both the showers from here and what I like to call the line. The layout of the wet area is decent. There is a short walkway cutting the locker area in two. Up three stairs and through a glass door into the shower area. There are windows on either side, which is how we can see them from our bench. Little bit beyond the showers is a whirlpool on the right and doors to the steam room on the left. At the back is a much larger whirlpool which has a railing stopping you from falling into it. This railing is the line…. Guys prop themself along the rail, backs to the whirlpool. It reminds me of the Miss America contest, with all the contestants lined up, desperately, trying to attract the judges. In this case, the contestants are desperately trying to attract the dick.
There he was. The reining, prince bath house. He’s kinda twinky…. Over 6 feet, attractive African Canadian man. A bit more fem than I would go for. No towel, an athletic supporter that is straining to keep supporting. An ass I would eat for days! Not that he would ever give me more than a deer in the headlights look before startled away! Probably wanna know what’s in it for him if I asked him for the time of day. Actually, that’s not fair, we’ve had the odd exchange. He’s a nice guy. Just definitely not into me.
‘Oh —it’s on’. Mark whispered as he touched my shoulder and nodded to his left. There he was the Greek God. Mark wasn’t kidding, it had to be at least 30 cm! He just exited the steam and was fixing his towel.
Prince reacted like lightning, glaring at the other contestants shewing them away. Some looked like they were going to put up a fight but prince sent them all packing before Zues managed to wrestle that thing back under his towel.
Have you ever seen when a cat notices a rat, but wants to pretend it didn’t see it so the rat can come closer…. Our bathhouse Prince practically licked his paws and went to great length to pretend not to notice the Greek god with the big D.
It was like watching modern dance, with nudity. Prince pivoted and moved down. He didn’t bend over but went into a crouch. Somehow this made his hole even more visible than if he’d merely bent over…. As he lowered himself he pivoted so that his ass was facing the hot muscle guy.
Before mark or I could do more than turn to each other he splashed his face with water from the whirlpool. ‘Nice save-I wondered how he was not going to be obvious about showing his ass…. Don’t we all want to splash our face with hot cum filled water?’
‘ Only if Zeus is passing by’ Mark quipped
‘ Im giving him an eight for creativity, you know the Russian judge is not going to be down with this’
‘I can see what he had for dinner, right up his colon —so if the Russian judge isn’t down with this view of his ass, I’m gonna kick him in the shin’ Mark said dryly
‘ Who are you kiddin? That man did not have dinner!—. He’ll eat later’
‘Bottom shamer!’
‘My best lovers are bottoms!’ I clapped back
Our Zeus didn’t really notice princes’ maneuver, his eyes never left another jock who had his dick hanging from his open towel and was stroking. He moved close to Zeus and said something as they moved down the hall together….
‘ I know for a fact that our little muscle God didn’t even know the eye colour of the guy he left with. I don’t think his eyes made it up that far!’
‘ I think Prince was barking up the wrong tree.’ I whispered. Mark and I turned to each other and said ‘bottom’ in unison as Mark turned back to get a look at our Greek god retreating
Poor prince. He realized his actions had no effect and stood quickly. He looked around to make sure no one was watching, slung his towel over his shoulder and moved down the opposite corridor.
‘Hey there’s Charlie’ I whispered. I’m sure Charlie is not his real name. He just kind of reminds me of Charlie Brown. Very round face, no hair on top and the body that I would call average to pudgy. I’m sure he’s a great guy, I’ve just never had a chance to talk to him yet.
‘ do you think he’ll get lucky tonight?’ Mark whispered.
‘ don’t know, is it a full moon?’
We all knew exactly when Charlie got lucky. He had a face that was an open book…. You see Charlie walking around kind of moping at the beginning of the evening. On days Charlie got lucky, there was an entirely different Charlie. To say that laid Charlie had a spring in his step, well, I don’t know how he stopped his head banging against the ceiling as he bounced through the halls.
Mark feigned looking at his watch, empty wrist, ‘must still be early’
‘ Why do you say that?’
‘Charlie’s still walking, pretty much’ I let out a small huff in agreement. That was the other thing, Charlie — not just Charlie but most guys, as the night wore on and they’re going home without bagging someone becomes more evident —they seem to speed up in their search…. They circle of the hallways, passing the same spot again and again and again. It’s frantic. But it definitely is amusing.
As he passed us he nodded to Mark. He’d barely entered the dark maze when I turned to Mark.
‘ Charlie is into you, why don’t you throw the old guy a bone. Your bone.’
‘ two bottoms don’t make a top’ Mark trotted out his usual answer
Mark let out a groan as he got up … ‘ i’m gonna do a circuit and see if anyone’s at the glory holes’
I watched him amble off…
A circuit was what Mark and I call it when the guys troll the halls looking for a partner. There is bathhouse etiquette. If you didn’t rent a room, then you put your towel on, lock your stuff in your locker, and do the circuit. If you did rent a room and you’re looking for company, stay in your room and leave the door open.
Now we are men! So they’ll be a certain amount of ….straightforwardness in the transaction. Still, we cannot lose all decorum. Somehow a mental picture of my old high school teacher Mr McAllister came to mind. Don’t just barge in and assume you’re his type. I’ve had this happen. They think that someone my size should go for annnyyythhiinng. I have a type and while I may not be as lucky as the Greek gods of this world, I do OK. Guys, no means no!
Speaking of Greek god. So my type! And yes please, 2 please wrapped up to go- or maybe I’ll dine in…. Zeus is back trailed closely by his jock buddy. His buddy is hard as fuck but Zeus doesn’t seem to have a tent…. Hmmm. Bet he’s one of those that don’t get hard when they bottom…. Zeus’ eyes are darting left and right searching for a place to fuck no doubt. Eventually they turn down the corridor that leads to the back showers.
The porn on the tv up there is starting to repeat the same video and I’m thinking time to go to the big porn room with the multiple tvs. I know there’s a back way into the room but I can never remember where it is.. best to just go through the dark maze. I entered into pitch black. I mean, absolutely black, I can’t even see my hand in front of me. probably not the best decision after laser eye surgery, going into a dark corridor with other guys trolling for sex, but you only live once. Something about if they die they die flashes through my mind. I don’t think these hallways are up to code. If I walk down the highway and I feel both sides on my hips —that’s not a me thing. I think I see two guys up ahead making out. It’s Zeus and I assume his buddy. Great… just what I need. I can see a dim glow from the porn room up ahead…. I’m close. So I inch down the hall not knowing what to do…. Zeus’ friend notices me and steps back flattening himself against the wall. I say excuse me…and press myself in. Zeus’ buddy squeaks ‘oh my fucking god’ as my mass shifts him out of the way. Zeus gets pressed into the wall as I pass him… wow that boy is hung, still not fully hard but fuck.. OK really I did not mean to grope him! Is it really groping someone if it’s your tummy that pressed against their Johnson? I did apologize. ‘Sorry sorry’ as the back of my hand was pressed against his junk. His buddy was really pissed off, but Zeus just chuckled and said ‘that’s OK man.’ My dick twitched a little at that deep voice.
Well made it… and it’s got a few people in here. Really I was so mortified over the whole groping thing. Not to mention a little pissed off that his buddy was mad and so rude about it. I swear I didn’t even look. I just sat down far away from the guy giving a BJ as I could. Mark! On his knees. And wait, is that Charlie. This will feed the make fun of Mark hour for weeks to come. I guess he was a lot less grossed out by my suggestion than he let on.
Neither of them noticed me. Charlie was laying back on the couch eyes closed and was tweaking his own nipples. Mark was on his knees in front of Charlie’s spread legs. Charlie’s shaft was buried in his mouth as he bobbed his head up and down. Every once in a while he made choking sounds. I looked over. Charlie had a 7 inch cock. I saw when mark pulled back off and then deep throated it making a croaking sound. I almost laughed right out loud! Mark, our resident throat slut, gagging. That man has no gag reflex, I can attest to that!! Back in the day we messed around…. He still goes down in my old lollipop once in a while- for old times sake. He’s making gag noises it to make Charlie feel special.
Mark’s doing that thing, Charlie must be uncut cause Mark is coming all the way to the tip. He left the tip in his mouth, and swishing his tongue around. I’m uncut., I can tell you when Mark is up on the tip of your dick, swishing his tongue over the foreskin before taking your cock down his throat again. Amazing. Mark ran his tongue down the side of Charlie’s cock making him moan. He pressed Charlie’s knees farther apart and worked his way down below the back licking at the side of his balls…. His tongue darted out and wet Charlie’s balls working his way back to the tip. Quickly he took all of Charlie down to the base making another choking sound. He glanced up at Charlie but he was in another dimension. He noticed me and raised his hand in a little wave. Idiot… who does that in the middle of a bj?!
Mark picked up the pace, bobbing faster and taking more of Charlie down his throat…. The way he paused at the bottom I knew he was using his throat muscles to milk Charlie’s cock…. Charlie was moving now, little thrusts along the couch to work his cock in Mark’s throat. This hands working his nipples harder as he moved his head back and forth. Bringing his knees up to allow more leverage and fuck Mark’s mouth. Mark was pressing harder against him, I watched as he worked a slick finger into Charlie’s ass and Charlie let out a gasp. Marks finger clearly pushed him over the edge as he froze deep in Marks throat and let out several grunts. Mark moved back to lean against the wall a little grin on his face.
We were in the water now, the whirlpool behind the line of men. And behind was just as good a view as in front. There were a couple of college students making out at the side of the whirlpool. Mark was excited and started to stroke a bit… one of the usual crowd passed by and reminded him not to cum in the pool. ‘ Why don’t you come here and give us something to come into?’ I snarled. He glanced at me and visibly sped up.
‘Charlie’s real name is John’ Marks chuckles
‘ figures, did they at least leave a good tip?’ I snicker
‘I have never accepted money for sex in my life!’ Mark glared at me as he set me straight…
‘Really - how much does getting fucked cost you these days anyway?’
‘Fuck you’
‘ if I’ve told you once I’ve told you 1000 times I’m a top Mark’
‘Not funny dude.’
He let it drop
‘Hey there’s that cute Italian guy’ I said as I looked up at one of the regulars…. It was a guy about 5 foot eight or nine, maybe mid 40s. He was in decent shape, it was clear he and labatt were friends tho-little bit of a beer paunch. Thick hair across his chest and thin treasure trail leading to under his towel. Tiny tuft of hair on each shoulder in his back. What can I say? I have a type. Oh, OK -several types, but who’s counting!
‘ I wonder if his boyfriend knows he’s here all by himself’ I commented as he walked by.
‘ Does your wife?’ Mark snapped
I’m guessing he didn’t let it go after all…. We sat for a few more minutes and I could tell Mark was cool again cause he kept making faces at the couple that were literally turning zombie in their effort to devour each other’s faces in the corner.
‘ I’m gonna go find Charlie, he said he’d top for the right guy’ Mark moved to stand
‘I thought his name was John’
‘ Yes, but if I used his real name, you would just ask me who the hell that was! old man!’
I muttered touché as Mark climbed out of the pool.
Zeus came out of the side door from the bathroom….he glanced at me and took his towel off hanging it over the railing and sloshed his way down the stairs into the whirlpool… one of the 2 kissing scuba divers came up for breath just as Zeus got off the last step. The other followed his gaze right to Zeu’s Roman candle. It was semi hard. I’m gonna go with 30 cm…
‘C’mon let’s go, it’s getting hot’. our second mouth eating zombie practically dragged his buddy away from the pool.
We sat in what I thought was companionable silence for a while. Zeus was probably bored. The trick to staying in the whirlpool for hours is to actually not get in. I perched on the back of the bench, my ankles in the water. OK, not only did not getting in the tub help with heat but ya got a better view of the line. Price was back with his towel around his neck and bubble ass on display…. Every so often he’d stare back at us. Zeus sat across from me in the water. He sighed, proving my bored theory.
“I’ve never done this before’ he almost whispered as he moved to mirror the way I sat.
‘The whirlpool?’
‘This…’ his hand waved around to the room. ‘This bathhouse, this place, this being with guys…’
I knew he was talking and I should listen but at that moment his dick shifted and I kid you not the tip was in the water. I snapped back to reality just in time
‘What do you think? Too much? or will you stay and explore’
“Explore’ there was no hesitation no doubt… his expression turned shy. It hit me, he reminded me of the actor who played Brad Taylor on home improvement — older and built like a brick house but same look. ‘Will you help me explore ?’
‘What about your buddy… he looked like he was ready to explore… parts seemed ready to practically explode never mind explore’
Part of his lips curved up into an almost smile, then dropped again ‘He … ah… he isn’t what I want, kinda
of a jerk.’
‘Awww sorry honey’. I reached over and gently pat his knee in what I thought was a conciliatory gesture.
Quickly he put his hand over mine and moved to sit beside me never letting go.
‘Can you help me …explore.’ The last word barely made it out of his lips.
‘Awww you can’t mean me… I mean look at me.’
‘I think you’re hot’
‘It’s the pool son, you’re having a heat stroke’. I couldn’t keep my eyes off his cock. That thing seemed to have a mind of its own I swear it was going to come rising from his crotch like a snake.
‘I’m serious I really want you.’
Prince didn’t even pretend… he threw his arms in the air giving one of the entourage a look that screamed wtf and stormed off.
‘Aw baby. I have a strict byob policy.’
‘Bring your own booze’ his adorable face screwed up in confusion
‘Bring your own boy, hon, I don’t do randoms’
‘Why don’t I stay, we could talk, and then I won’t just be some random guy’
‘Sure’. I nearly got the words out when his lips were on me…. I have to say very inexperienced…. He kissed with his lips, no tongue but he moved his lips like he was picking corn niblets off the Cobb with his lips. I gently pushed him back..
‘Let’s sit and talk for a bit… Where you from?’
‘Ayer’
I hoped my eyes didn’t roll, they rolled internally, that’s for sure. This boys muscles weren’t from a gym or sports they were earned by being on the farm. ‘What brings you to Toronto?’
‘School. Tmu’
‘My Alma Mather’
‘You’re what?’
I leaned forward and kissed him. He started his corn eating routine, and I put a hand on his chest. ‘Slow’ I whispered ‘feel it, relax, be with me ‘. I leaned back in and our lips connected. It was gentle, I could feel his heart beat faster and he started to get into the kiss, he felt the rhythm and twisted our heads to move deeper. He shifted a bit and I pressed my tongue against his lips. I don’t think he understood my request , he didn’t open his lips. I shifted and my hand slipped to brush his cock. Not intentional, but he parted his lips to groan. That was good enough for me. My tongue moved in, exploring his mouth, feeling his tongue and exploring him. I could feel his nipples get hard and his body sagged into me. I was supporting him now, arms around him. He leaned into the kiss and his mouth opened this time inviting me back in.
‘Would you two get a room’ we broke apart at the sound of Marks voice.
‘Charlie didn’t fuck you? Go fuck your self then’
‘ You just wanna watch me fuck myself’
The bastard moved right in between us taking up the benchtop beside me and smiling at Zeus.
‘You two together’ Zeus asked his face a little shocked
‘I got class son, I wouldn’t be caught with this old fossil ’ Marks smiled taking the bite out of his comment
‘Will you look at this old fool! Stopped buying wine in a box and telling everyone he’s got class as he unscrews the wine bottle’
Zeus - I gotta find out this guys name!- walked around Mark to thread his fingers through mine ‘come on, come show me some more’
‘If I’m not back in 40 minutes, don’t come looking!’ I was quick to jump down.
‘Oh I won’t, you can take that to the bank!’
‘Where to?’ He whispered as he placed his hand on the small of my back.
“The dark maze?’ I had to shout to be heard over the music. In the last 1/2 hour the dj had arrived and this suddenly turned into a place which I couldn’t think anymore
‘I only wanna be groped by you not some random…’. He shouted. Even leaning close to my ear I could barely make out what he said.
I remembered something. I gripped his hand tighter and dragged him past the b&d equipment. Hmmm a new sex bench, my mind automatically noticed. Awww the torn hole in the top fabric isn’t there any more, what will the boys do now? Through the gym. A few of the other muscle gods stared at us mouth open… then down the stairs towards the 2 shower rooms.
They were not much. Tiles on the floor and walls that were never in style to fall out and had seen cleaner days. They weren’t filthy, I’d say they were clean enough that any motel that charged by the hour would be proud of. There was a shower head and a toilet …. Let’s face it, big enough for what I had in mind … it was his first time and there was a waiting list for private rooms —so sue me.
I could barely get the door fully closed then he was on me…. He was getting the hang of French kissing fast. His tongue waited at my lips for an invite then searched my mouth for my tongue and we dueled deepening the kiss. Our dicks grinding against each other as we both chased our erections. He was big but never really got his dick up, the weight of it kept pointing down even though it was hard.
I couldn’t help myself, I grabbed his cock lifting it to point up and held our cocks together as he moaned and ground into me harder. I could feel his cock even more, growing that last bit. His head was up to the top of my waist just poking its way between my belly and his abs. He started letting go, really rutting into me as he groaned. He practically threw himself back in an effort to go higher and I caught him. One hand gripped around his shoulder blades the other grabbing a cheek of his ass.
My fingers brushing his crease seemed to press some kind of on button. He started groaned and pressed into my fingers as much as my cock. After a few thrusts between quietly murmured ‘yes’ each time he pressed his hole into my fingers whispered ‘fuck me daddy’…. A few more thrusts and he stated to beg, ‘please daddy fuck my bussy’
I have a confession… I hate being called daddy. I have 2 sons on this planet and those are the only boys allowed to call me daddy… and even then I prefer dad. And guys referring to their hole as a bussy. It’s just not! The feeling of working your slick cock into a guy who knows what his ass is doing is not at all like a pussy. Maybe I’m biased cause my wife never enjoyed sex and she’s the only pussy I ever had, but the two don’t compare. However I found myself not turned off like I normally would be.
I knew we didn’t have a condom, and he wasn’t on prep, we had covered that in our chat. And I depend on the kindness of my lovers to not subject me to having prep in my cabinet and explaining why I need it to my family. So fucking him, not gonna happen. But his excitement was bringing us quickly to the point where I might not care…. My lips were on his neck gently kissing him, no marks, not my style. He seemed to be rutting more deeply. Spending his time pushing against my fingers with just enough grinding to keep me hard. I just couldn’t say no any more, but I definitely couldn’t give in, so I did the only thing I could.
I shifted us so I could sit on the toilet and quickly started to suck his cock. I started by getting as much in my mouth as possible…it was difficult cause he was thick as well as long. Then I started to move up and down bringing as much spit as I could onto him. He moaned and leaned back against the wall thrusting his hip out as far as he could so I could take as much of him as I wanted. I continued to suck and move him in my mouth and my hands reached down and cupped his balls. He closed his eyes and pushed his head back into the wall. My hand moved beyond to feel and press on his taint causing him to move his head back and forth. Suddenly his knees bent and my fingers pressed harder into his taint as he thrust forward and backwards a tiny amount to work my finger back to his ass and forward to his balls.
Now I was becoming undone, this rocking on my hand had me at my limit. I spun him around, placing him with his face against the tile and pulled his ass towards me. He let out a surprised yip.
His ass cheeks were very lightly dusted in light blond hair, I spread them a bit more forcibly than I intended. Except for the very light dusting and a ring of hair around his hole, his ass was hairless. I’m of Portuguese descent so hairy asses are kinda my thing, but my cock had no complaints tonight. His actual hole was much pinker than the skin around it providing the perfect bullseye for my tongue.
Some men just go for it. They work their tongue as deep into an ass as fast as they can and work from there…. And that’s ok. Whatever gets him ready. But I like to telegraph what’s coming. Making sure my tongue is wet I start to lick the insides of his cheeks. He lets out a surprised sound then seems to start enjoying it. My tounge slathered each cheek occasionally knawing on the inside and brushing his hole. Making sure my hot breath covers his crease. My wet tongue finally finds his hole. It’s literally vibrating. I can feel it opening and closing as my tongue works its way deeper. I’m constantly pulling back to allow my tongue to get wet, before I even realize it my tongue has been joined by my wet knuckle. Moving forward and opening him deeper to have my tongue further down. He’s groaning and stroking his cock. I’m switching angles and working faster as I stroke my own cock. Alternating between his taint and his hole, knuckles working as he builds. Finally I cum just as I feel his hole open and close around my tongue dragging it deeper than it’s been. He lets out a cry and paints the shower wall with his cum.
I quickly stand and wrap him in a bear hug from behind letting the tip of my dick into his crease getting my cum everywhere. That’s when I realize the insisted knock on the door had been going on for some time. Oops.
I sheepishly open the door to find a very irate Twink ‘ you know this room is not for sex, it’s for preparation.’ If looks could kill I’d be dead. ‘Sorry’ I mutter as I brush by, my hand in his hand allowing me to pull him out. ‘I wasn’t prepared, he showed me how.’ Zeus says a huge smirk on his face.
‘Ohhh my gawd! This is gross ’ our twink buddy exclaims after closing the door.
‘Who’s he trying to kid, he looks the type that’d lick it off the wall in any other situation and today he’s clutching his pearls!’
Zues looks at me. For a second, a bit stunned, then as my words register, he throws his head back in a deep rich laugh comes from his chest. We find a quiet corner and kiss for what seems forever before he says he’s got a class early and has to go. I give him a way to contact me and tell him I’m here every month for the chub events.
‘I’m Rick by the way.’
‘Ken’ he kisses me goodbye
Back at the pool with mark. ‘Is she ftm or mtf - I can’t tell’
I gaze in the direction he’s looking ‘based on notch in the towel and the general location of the bump. I’d say she’s trans - nice ass tho’. Marks only reply is a huff.
The Italian with long hair, great hairy chest and just a hint of a beer belly shoots by
‘ That’s gotta be his sixth circuit in the last five minutes.’ I nod towards his very muscular back
‘Pretty soon he’ll be running’ Mark returns to looking at the incoming guys. ‘ This is so predictable, there’s the same creepy guy on his heels’
‘ Enough to make you wonder, is he heading towards someone or away from creepy guy’ Mark doesn’t answer, merely looks the other way.
‘Always the same. It’s almost 11. We should do something else next time!’ Mark practically shouted. ‘ there’s a ball game. Or how bout Chinese?’
‘Chinese sounds great’
Just then Charlie came by and couldn’t stop looking at us, well Mark
‘I’m heading out, same time next week?’
‘ Let’s try to get here early maybe 730’ his eyes never left Charlie as he spoke.
I clasped his shoulder as I stood. Walking up the stairs it occurred to me that I’m really gonna have to start teasing Mark about Charlie— ah John, or whatever his name is.
To get in touch with the author, send them an email.
