Ask GayDemon: Weighing In

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years. He's gotten fat and put on about 50 pounds. While I still love him, I don't love his paunch. Can I tell him to lose weight?

-Iffy on Fifty

You can tell him whatever you want. And he can then respond by telling you whatever he wants, like maybe that he thinks you're too skinny and need to put on about 50 pounds.

And not only that you need to put on 50 pounds, but specifically where on your body that weight needs to go. Did you think I was talking about fat? Nope, muscle. He could ask you to put on 50 pounds of muscle and he sure doesn't love your lack of it.

So you may as well blink and gain 50 pounds of muscle now. Because it's as easy as blinking to dramatically change your body composition as prompted by someone else's request.

I hope you understand how each person has their own relationship with their own body. And that of course each person has their own preferences. But as you and he are already together, it makes me wonder if you met him as he is now, if you would have started dating.

And if not, and you weren't with him now, would you feel you missed out? I get that you want it all. It's just that your being honest about this could cause hurt feelings. But on some level, you're feeling less connected to him physically and you don't want to lose that connection.

So you're already not communicating honestly with him, which itself adds to the separation. I would guess you've been hiding your lack of desire so he may have no idea. At the same time, he may be frustrated with his weight gain. Or just not give a fuck about it. You can't know unless you talk to him about it.

And maybe that's the place to start. Ask him how feels about his weight gain. And just listen. Remember that someone can be heavy even when exercising and eating well. Check any stereotypes you have about people who are heavy, including specifically about gay guys who are heavy.

You could also just choose to improve your own fitness and nutrition. And you could say you'd like to work out together so you have more time together. If you mean it. But it can veer quickly into seeming controlling or passive-aggressive. And remember, that he needs to want the change. If he does something just for you, there could be backlash.

Now how are you doing with that 50 pounds of muscle? It isn't easy, is it? Good thing he likes you just the way you are then. Or does he?

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