Ask GayDemon: Totally Unfucked

My  boyfriend and I have never had anal sex. He said he wasn't into it when we met six months ago, but I've been patiently prodding and hoping I'd change his mind. I really like this guy a lot. I might even love him, but I don't know if I can be in a relationship where I never get fucked. What should I do?

-Running on Empty

Isn't he the one who should be "patiently prodding" you? But he isn't and may never so the fact is you two may not be sexually compatible. And when you're not sexually compatible, you either break up or open up the  relationship so both people get their needs met, while still staying connected where you do match up.

What I don't know is what you told him when he told you he wasn't into it. Presumably he put that bit of info right out there at the beginning to give your ass a chance to run to another cock, I mean person. And you must have said it wasn't a deal breaker or you wouldn't have made it this far.

So either you were lying to him then, or it's become more important to you as time has gone on. Possibly this is the only boyfriend you've had (and loved) in which anal sex wasn't in the picture. 

First off, stop the patiently prodding thing as that's really just a nice way to say nagging, which isn't sexy at all for either of you. Instead map out exactly where your interests overlap and don't. Would he wield a dildo and plow you with it? Does he want to give you pleasure that way at all? Is his lack of interest on literally putting his penis in you or does extend to all things anal, including you plugging yourself while he watches?

I get that's not the sex act you're looking for, but on paper this wasn't the guy you were looking for and you may love him. So it's worth being totally frank. And throw in asking him about sexual interests he has that you may seemingly not share.

How  would you react if he was really into doing something that you're neutral about? Would you do it anyway as long as you were reasonably comfortable with it and you were overall excited that it turned him on?

Anal sex itself requires (or is helped by) solid communication, so this is all good practice should it go there. 

I'd suggest telling him you want to figure this out with him as it affects both of you. And you don't know for sure how you feel about it. That you're into exploring ways to connect and other options when things don't match up. As long as all that's true. Don't say it just to say it, just as another way to patiently prod.

If it's all going to hell unless you have some anal experience and it's totally never going to directly be with him, blast out the creativity. Would he want to see you get fucked by a guy he found hot? Maybe it's something he's good with just when he's watching, not when you're alone with the guy?

Or if you have no interest in anyone else, or a toy, and can't do without connecting to him that way sexually, then you're not currently sexually compatible that way. And I wouldn't hold my anal breath waiting for that to change. If it's a deal breaker, then break the deal.

Just don't be surprised if you meet his future boyfriend who proudly exclaims to you "Wow, your ex really knows how to fuck me hard and deep, better than I've ever had it!" Things tend to turn out that way,  because maybe it's not about the anal aspect at all, but the intimacy.

Do what you can to gently find out the deal.

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