Ask GayDemon: To Boyfriend or Not To Boyfriend

I’m really bored of my boyfriend. He never wants to do anything or go anywhere with me but his own social calendar is completely full. I have my own friends and do my own thing too, but it’d be nice to get him up off his arse and do some fun things together to kick this boredom. How should I encourage him to do more together?
-Tea for One

How far are you willing to bend your definition of boyfriend? Would it extend to a situation in which you never had sex with the guy? Never kissed him? Never called him? If that sounds like super crazy bending to you, beyond your limits, then consider that you've already bent the definition what seems to me to be too far already.

A boyfriend should want to spend time with you. He should be creating opportunities to do things together, even simple things like grocery shopping for dinner together. You two do eat, right? Or, dare I say it, surprising you with extra special bonus time together, like on your lunch break at work.

All that within the limitation caused by his job, travel time, finances, energy level, all that. But when he has enough room in his social calendar that he can fill it up with others, not you, then doesn't that tell you something?

The way you should encourage him to do more together is by breaking up with him, then he's free to do more together with someone else. Even if you could eke out some additional attention, it's not organic. It's like you're scripting his lines and actions, telling him the exact minimum needed to get you to stay for those rare times he wants to spend time with you, having, I'm guessing, sex.

You're a romantic, so it feels good to use the word boyfriend. And maybe you've never known different. But instinctively, you know you deserve more. So go with your gut, but instead of trying to fix it, just break up with him outright. He's neglectful, callous and uncaring. You deserve better.

And you also don't owe him a major explanation, as he may interpret that as license to woo you back, and you may be vulnerable to that. If that does come to pass, make sure you emphasize your only connection with him would be friendship.

And not friendship just to say you have a friend, but actual friendship. Which, yet again, includes spending time together, has equality (you call him and he calls you). He initiates hanging out. He leans on you wth intimate personal issues, troubles at work, all that.

Not sounding as glamorous as using the word boyfriend is it? So instead of full-on friendship, you may choose to work out a fuck buddy relationship. That's fine too. Just be clear on your standards, your needs, your definition, communicate early and often, expect him to do the same, and if something isn't working, don't bend your requirements. Move on.

This way, when you do use the word boyfriend for someone, it will have much deeper meaning. Because it can be wonderful.

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