Ask GayDemon: Sprayed by Gender Fluid

My boyfriend of two years has suddenly decided that he's gender fluid and is demanding that I refer to him as them. He says that some days he feels like a boy and sometimes a girl. He assures me that he wants to keep his penis, but feels that sometimes he might feel like wearing a skirt. But he's not into wigs and make-up. I didn't sign on for this, I'm so confused. He's got a cock. He's a boy. I love him but feel like this is a deal breaker. What do I do?

-Gender Shook

Educate yourself, show respect and actual love, starting now, or break up with them sooner rather than later so they can find a better match. They may leave you in the meantime. I'm going to assume you have repeatedly stated you love them. But have you asked yourself what love means? For you, is it loving who someone is, or solely your locked-in image of them that is inaccurate?

You say you love "him" but do you love "them"? That includes wanting the best for someone as they bravely grow, not bound by the threat of potential negative reactions. Every person's experience is different, but from my point of view, it sounds like they are seeking authenticity. That includes being their authentic self and being loved for who they are. And made love to as who they are. And, because relationships aren't perfect, argued with as who they are. 

Arguments about who takes out the trash are fine. But arguments about "you don't get to be yourself around me because I can't handle it" are not okay. Or if they happen, a solution and boundary needs to be established quickly so they do not become a pattern.

As a first step, I would suggest you educate yourself. In the past, someone's pronouns were called (and still are by some) "preferred gender pronouns" but now the more accurate phrase is simply "personal gender pronouns." While using "they" as 3rd person singular can be a challenge, and there is a massive history of 3rd person singular gender neutral language needs going back to prior centuries, it is a matter of simple respect and accuracy to use someone's chosen pronouns.

Those pronouns are simply that, not necessarily the same as one's gender identity, but what someone requires being referred to as. Incorrect  pronouns can cause distress and show disrespect and even can be wielded as a weapon.

You are conflating gender identity, gender expression, and biology in ways that must be confusing to you, but also can be disrespectful and injurious to them. You'll note I'm not using the word "boyfriend" as I would suggest you ask the word they may prefer at this point. Language adapts over time to represent realities. It's a tool and your respect for change and your partner's journey to authenticity can mean you find adaptable, loving places in your personhood that you didn't know were there. Consider how some of your reactions are being dictated by a society with an overall limited, oppressive view of gender identity, expression, and sexual orientation. 

Transition is about authenticity. It is you who are imposing standard gender binary notions tied to genitals and clothing. Now, from your summary of what they have said to you, they are not exclusively male or female identified but sometimes one, sometimes the other, and perhaps sometimes both or neither. You are the one who has gendered a skirt as female. It may mean that to them as well, but sometimes a skirt is just a skirt. It's about how the person feels in it and how they want to express  themselves.

I understand how in an intimate relationship, it is relevant to you how someone may or may not physically transition. Some people don't make any physical changes. Some do. And some who do don't seek or make changes that follow a standard gender binary transition as tend to make the popular narrative. Also, not everyone has a massive amount of distress, and if they do, it's not to be commodified. Overall some people are just fine with who they are, but the challenge comes in dealing with the broader societal and relationship pressures.

Don't put some demand on things like "I can handle this and that, but not if you go on hormones, then I'll leave you." Or "As long as you keep your penis, we can stay together." Love who your partner is at any given moment, respect that they are being authentic with you, still look at them as a sexually desirable person who wants to connect with you, and understand that there is no "what you signed up for" thing. There is no contract someone stays exactly as you want, some image of them that you have that isn't true. Open your eyes and you may find more beauty in them and within yourself, more love than you had thought possible, once you realize you two can both live outside societal limitations in some way. It's a beautiful vantage.

For some help in terminology, try this Gender Wiki. And I would encourage your partner and yourself to seek gender diverse community groups and events. And focus as well as some shared interests you've consistently had. Also, find out their sizes as you may be able to score some romance points by buying them some clothes they actually like. Everyone likes presents.

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