Ask GayDemon: Saying Hi to Bi

There’s a really cute guy at college who is quite open about his sexuality. He’s bi. I’m more of a shy kinda guy, but I wanna ask him on a date and just not sure how to do it without making a fool of myself. Have you got any tips?
-Too Shy

Someone can be open about their sexual identity but still be shy in terms of dating and relationships so you can't really be sure how shy or unshy he is on that level. Also someone seemingly more confidently open about themselves would commonly interact with folks who aren't. Meaning the tallest person in the room is quite used to dealing with shorter people. So don't sweat it.

Just don't overcompensate and become someone you're not. Some super-revealing, instantly-intimate person who comes off as both crazy intense and crazy fake. Besides, people don't have to be twins to be compatible. Just because you're both guys doesn't mean you're the same guy.

And I'm not going to give some bi awareness lecture here, but my understanding is the bisexual experience is not monolithic. It could be that he sees attraction as to other aspects of a person besides gender. So may have no real expectation that just because you present as male that you would be a certain, open, assertive way.

Ideally you're just asking to spend some time with him to see if there's a spark, to get to know him. And for him to get to know you.

There may be other issues to consider in dating someone who's bi. But don't assume that means he's not into monogamy. Do check yourself on any stereotypes you have about bi folks, though. Because even someone being assertively, openly bi may say more about how bisexual people are commonly invisible so feel a need to speak out. For instance, he's still bi even if he's dating a guy. But people may assume he's gay and who he actually is important to him.

Now all this identity politics isn't exactly great first date conversation. So stick to things like discovering shared interests. Or making out.

And if you still feel shy about it, just try to not be shy for three seconds, or however long it takes to ask someone out for coffee. Then run home and shriek with excitement.

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