Ask GayDemon: Quiet as a Gay Mouse

My boyfriend wants me to talk more during sex. I'm not a shy person, but dirty talk, or much talk at all in bed, has never been my thing. What the hell am I supposed to say? How can I get comfortable expressing myself in the sack?

-Loss for Words

While it's not your thing, it sounds like it's also not a major turnoff for you as long as it's not all talk and no action. So it's good you're open enough to try it in order to turn him on more. And maybe it's the very idea of "all talk no action" that's an issue here.

Because talk is an action. It's lowering your guard, being open, and delving into some areas you're not super confident in. As evidenced by you questioning what you would say and how it can come out in the moment. He doesn't want you to be fake and neither do you.

Now there's general porn-style talk like "suck my dick" and "oh yeah, suck my dick" and the classic "suck my fucking dick" not to be outclassed by "dick that is placed in your mouth results in a feeling of being sucked which I will fondly recall as a positive experience when I reminisce about this experience while basking in the glow of having been sucked by your oral orifice."

Did you cringe at that last one? Of course you did. Which proves you do have some instinct in this. He's going to appreciate your attempts but don't just think of it as doing something to make him happy and then being graded on it. Of course it will actually be best if you set your ego aside and ask and take in feedback. Basically asking if it turned him on and why or why not. Which is a pretty good practice for feedback on physical sex acts too.

Rather, this is an opportunity for you to say whatever you want however you want it and using however many words (or grunts) you see fit in the moment. Some of those words could be you asking for what you want in the moment. Or asking him questions about what he wants. This all can help you each having a better experience.

There can also be role play talk, which can be higher pressure. What if he wants a medical scene and you don't know how to pronounce rectal thermometer? Then put his dick in your mouth while you try to say it and he'll overlook your flub. Or you can play the role of a nervous medical student.

I don't actually get people who aren't super verbal. Though I do understand that any types of interaction can increase the risk of a turn-off moment. If someone says something that kills the mood in some way. But so too can touch be a turn-off. Or eye contact. Or lack of eye contact. Or the lights being on. Or off. Or shouting out someone else's name (Ivanka!) during sex. 

Tell him you're nervous and unsure but that you want him to have a good  time. You don't want to judge yourself and you don't want to be judged.  And you don't know what you'll say or if talking a lot, the simple act of it, will actually turn you off. Maybe some dirty talk separate from actual physical sex can be a good balance. Maybe you talking to him while touching him, rather than vice versa.

When it comes to communicating with words and bodies, there are so many options. Be glad he wants to connect more deeply with you and give it time. Also remember "Shut the fuck up!" qualifies as words in case that's what you're feeling in the moment. 

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