Ask GayDemon: Not Sealed with a Kiss

9 Jul 2017

Ask GayDemon: Not Sealed with a Kiss

I  was at the baths the other night and I gave this guy head in my room.  After blowing him for about 15 minutes I decided to see where else this would go so I moved in for a kiss. "No kissing," he said, "I don't like that." What's up with that? I was a bit insulted – if my mouth is good  enough for his cock it should be good enough for his mouth.

-Lonely Lips

What's up with what? Precisely. A guy verbally expresses a sexual boundary and you're insulted by his boundary setting. So you should look in the  mirror and ask what's up with yourself.

I believe though that if you had tried to move things toward anal and he'd said no, you wouldn't be wondering why. Because you perceive gay sex (whatever that means) as linear. So if you do something further along the predetermined line in your head, everything before it is a reasonable act. 

But people aren't linear and neither is sex and neither is each individual activity in each moment in each environment. I can rattle off a few possible answers as to why, like kissing for him is more emotionally intimate and that's not what he's looking for in a sex club, or he really liked getting head from you and didn't want that to stop, or you have chapped lips, or bad breath, or he's just not into you like that. Or a million other things. 

Though all that matters is he didn't want to, and all intimate connections must be consensual. He didn't give up his right to refuse consent because he did some sexual activity you perceive as "more" so everything "less" is fair game. And also, he (and you) maintain your right to consent to stop an activity already begun. Meaning, maybe you lose  interest in sucking his dick. He doesn't have the right to force you to continue.

You can say yes, yes, yes, yes, and then no. That's not anti-sex. That's not inconsistent. That's not being a tease. That is being human and owning your sexual power.

Now you too can own your sexual power and communicate to guys that before you suck dick, you really want to make out. If you're in a sex club and the guy pictures you making out with lots of other guys, maybe that makes him want to make out with you less. I have no idea. He may just want to see you as a human suck box. No idea. But if it's really  important to you to kiss a stranger, then say that. Any rejection is someone being honest that you're not a match in that moment. You can stay strong in your interest and try to find the right guy for it.

Now, I could say to skip sex clubs and seek out a romantic relationship where kissing is the norm. But I know there can also be casual kissing and sometimes that just feels good and in fact may motivate you to suck even longer if a few kisses are thrown in. But you have to find ways to ask for what you want, not just do it and face immediate rejection. And you have to decide if giving kissing-free blowjobs is what you want.

You're not in a porn. You're in your life. You have a voice. And so did he. The alternative is robotic sexual silence.

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