Ask GayDemon: Musical Men

I've been seeing a guy for five years. We get along well and the sex is awesome. But for most of our relationship he's been promising to break up with his husband of ten years so we can be together. But he never follows through and always has a good reason like his mother-in-law is very sick and it's not a good time. Am I being played?

-The Other Man

So when you started seeing him, he'd been with his husband for five years. And now you've been with him for five years. Seems the timing is right for him to leave his husband and have an exclusive relationship with you.

Except the part in which he gets married to you and starts seeing a new guy without telling you.

Which makes this a game of musical chairs featuring men not chairs. Personally, I trust a chair more than a man. A chair is a chair. It doesn't claim to be something it's not. And the guy you're with has.

Not because he's still with his husband. But because he's making excuses for why he is that have nothing to do with the truth. He wants to be with his husband and be with you on the side. That's what he wants, period. It has nothing to do with his mother-in-law. The problem is part of the reason you're still with him is that you think he will be exclusively yours at some point.

But if you just understood that he's not seeking that wth you, then it may make your time together feel hollow or pointless. And also make you come face to face with why you chose someone who is unavailable. So it's perfect in that the situation keeps him at bay from you, guarding you against intimacy you fear, or simply don't want.

Maybe you simply want to be the guy on the side, without the responsibilities or commitment of being someone's husband. Because if, in the grander sense, you wanted more, you would have broken up with him a long time ago and sought the proverbial "more" with someone else.

So I would suggest you keep an open mind toward meeting new people. And tell the guy that, not as a threat, but as a fact. Stop asking him when he will leave his husband, or paying any attention to him about his reasons not to. Don't assume that because you may want a different kind of relationship, it doesn't mean it has to be with him.

And look inside yourself to gain awareness why you have chosen to be with him this long without your core needs being met. Either they aren't your core needs (and you just think you're supposed to want those traditional things) or they are but you're going down the wrong path with him.

You get to define what you're looking for. You don't get to define who the other person actually is, and what they actually do. You just can make sure you see them for who they are and what they do. In the context of leading you on, yes he's a player. But you're also pressuring him to lead you on, rather than just taking his actions at face value. Stop it.

Feel free to have sex with him while you sort this out. But don't let it cloud the bigger picture. But do take big pictures of his nude body. You may need them as a keepsake someday soon. Nobody can tell me I'm not a romantic.

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