Ask GayDemon: Macho vs. Feminine

I'm attracted to guys who are on the feminine side, for the lack of a better word, although I really don't like labeling people. However, most of my friends are macho sports jocks (there's that label again) and they give me a hard time about the guys I date. They tease me and make disparaging comments. Is it time to find new friends?

-Frisky for Femmes

Separate from the specific issue, these so-called friends who are hurting your feelings and/or simply pissing you off may think they are teasing you in a friendly way. So you do need to make sure they understand the impact of their words.

And on another level, even if they stopped that teasing, if they didn't replace it by being supportive about your dating life, then screw them and move on. Because you can't let them tarnish your definition of a true friend. You deserve true friends.

That doesn't mean they would have to simply be cheerleaders without opinions but it does mean analogously you wouldn't want friends who teased you for liking guys at all. That's homophobic, right? You'd want someone who understood who you were attracted to, wanted to meet who you're dating, and would give you their opinion if they saw the guy wasn't treating you right (feminine or not).

So it's not time to kick them out of your life fully, but in addition to drawing your boundaries about disparaging comments, it's time to give your friends a talking to about sexism, including how hatred of the feminine is one of the roots of homophobia. Ideally the gay world is a safe space for all gender expressions and a diversity of sexual attractions. Just as they have their own preferences, so do you. The difference is yours are for sure real, as they are a negatively seen attraction.

Whereas some of your so-called friends, may, if they had more awareness and courage, realize their own attractions to feminine guys. And also, as you're aware, not have stereotypes about what feminine, masculine, male, female actually mean. No need to analyze your own attractions. Just know that when people label behavior as feminine in guys, those guys are way tougher in their expression of it than the guys who fully live up to whatever is seen as the ideal norm.

Focus on the individuals you're meeting and choosing to date. Look through the lens of the uniqueness you find, the admirable traits, and of course, their body, face, energy, interests (sexual and otherwise). Ultimately, you're drawn to brave "feminine" guys and while you can take some energy to educate your friends, it's on them to educate themselves and check their behavior (which I expect extends to seeing women as less than) if they are to grow.

So this all may fizzle out and you may find you've lost interest in even being their friends. But since they're totally non-feminine guys, they don't have any feelings anyway because feelings are for girls so don't worry about it.

Ultimately, you should always keep an open door to making new friends and consider who you want to spend your valuable time with at any given moment. You need accepting, modern friends regardless. Join some activist groups on women's rights, trans rights and/or other issues you may be passionate about. You'll find more aware people there and feel stronger in who you are. Plus with all the sexism and transmisogyny, folks can use your help. Plus you may meet some dating prospects because love is love.

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