Ask GayDemon: Lights, Camera, Jealousy

I’m in a relationship with a guy who loves to play on cam. It’s not exactly cheating, since he’s not doing anything physical, but I do get jealous. Am I being ridiculous or is this something I should be trying to put a stop to?
-Out of the Spotlight

If by put a stop to, you mean realize it’s futile and ridiculous to try to change someone so you mean break up with him, then go for it. Because the guy you’re in a relationship with is into this, and is into telling you he’s into this. Sounds like he didn’t check out how you’d feel about it though. It’s just part of the package you get with him.

And by the way he is doing something physical. He’s physically touching himself, getting naked, talking or text chatting, and jacking off and/or ejaculating and/or inserting stuff in his stuff. That’s physical.

And feeling jealous is physical too. How do you know you feel jealous? What in your body tells you that? Maybe what you’re feeling is anger. Or maybe you want to watch him interact online. Maybe it turns you on. Or maybe this makes you feel unworthy or unattractive. 

Talk it out with yourself and some trusted friends. Then talk it out with him so you don’t lead with some blanket “I’m jealous. Stop!” because that may not be what you want.

If in balance everything else in the relationship is solid, it’s important to take a breath and figure out where to go from here. And make him part of that discussion. 

But what’s not appropriate is that he would dismiss you saying something like “It’s just online. It doesn’t mean anything.” Because it means something to you. And it means something to him, or he wouldn’t be doing it. And it means something to the guys on the other end, some of whom may be regulars with whom he shares intimacy beyond the sexual.

Technology makes a window and people are looking in, literally, through the cam. He’s opening the window. But that doesn’t mean he’s closing off to you. Masturbation is it’s own thing, about his relationship with himself. Cam play can be a fun tool as part of masturbation. Maybe he’s an exhibitionist and this is his main way to do that, rather than expose himself on the bus and get in trouble.

Maybe you can try camming with him.  But if you’re worried about anonymity (which if he cams full face and anyone who knows you’re a couple sees, then that’s out there) you could at least go neck down only. Oh right, maybe you’re worried someone will see him and think what’s wrong with your relationship that he’s doing that?

Whatever the source of your feelings, they are real in the moment so focus on getting better awareness of what’s going on with you, know that your feelings may change over time, and even know that while it may not be camming itself that bugs you, it could be something about your relationship in some other way.

I mean if you look deep down and realize you don’t have an issue with camming but with how he treats you otherwise, then that’s the thing to address.

By the way, as I’m typing this, my computer keeps trying to autocorrect “camming” to “camping” so I’ll take that as a sign and suggest you two watch a Joan Crawford movie marathon. Or at least Barbarella. Laughing together can make your relationship stronger. As for Joan Crawford vehicles, you may try Berserk. She’s got an axe an everything. So basically a mirror of her private life.

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