Ask GayDemon: It Takes Two to Bareback

I've been going out with this guy for six months and everything's going great. He turns me on and our sex life is fun and satisfying except for one thing. I want to stop using condoms. I've tried fucking him a couple of times without a condom and he stops me. I've tried talking about it, but he just says that he's not ready to take that step but won't tell me why. I end up feeling like I can't be trusted. I don't know what to  do.

-Rubber Hater

You  should definitely continue to pressure him to do something he doesn't want to do. Then pout about it after and take action by asking for help on how to convince him to do something he doesn't want to do. Because when he says no, you hear maybe.

I don't know your HIV/STI status nor do I know his. Or if one of you is HIV positive, are you in treatment with undetectable viral load? I'm not a doctor, but I can say I would hope you two were having conversations  about sexual health regardless of the condomless issue. It's important to discuss in all situations. And can establish a basic connection and shared values around health that can inform later conversations about  potentially having sex without condoms.

You've expressed that you don't feel trusted. Consider that trust is not the default. It's natural for someone to start from a place where trust needs to be built. And you shouldn't assume a lack of seeming trust means it is never possible. But to be mystified and offended by someone's lack of instant trust is counterproductive and unfair. 

It's also inaccurate as having sex with someone at all over a longer period of time (months) does show a certain trust and intimacy. And someone having a general rule about condom use, and perhaps never having done otherwise, is not a comment on you, but an expression of that person's intent and needs. He's not saying he doesn't want to have sex with you. He is saying he wants to have sex with you in which he feels safer and operates within his personal boundaries.

As the mood is already mostly killed for you, and you're killing his mood (or leaning that direction) by pressuring and pouting, I would talk to a sex-positive, gay-friendly  counselor together. Not as a method to convince him to change, but to help you two with your communication.

Sure, you may have a keen sexual interest in condomless sex (which also tells him you've had that interest with others). But if you knew he would never do that with you, would you break up with him? Is it a deal breaker? It may very well be, but putting him on guard like that, making it about him choosing to say no, as if that's some flaw, doesn't give him a way to be intimate with you. 

So it forces him to choose between being true to himself and being with you. If you are incompatible sexually, then you are incompatible boyfriend wise. If he is more to you than that specific sexual act, and this is not a deal breaker, you still need to work on how you communicate. And find ways you can satisfy each other without the feelings of pressure, frustration, rejection and disconnection floating in the condom-filled air.

It may not work out with him, but you will be best served by using this as an opportunity to communicate with honestly and vulnerability.

And I get that the term bareback didn't even used to exist. It used to be called just sex. But the reality is, HIV/STIs are real, as is the need both of you have to be valued, feel loved, romanced, and to connect on a deep sexual level. Only by honest communication and introspection can you grow and connect. Or realize the necessity to split up and find new, strong connections.

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