Ask GayDemon: In Love with a Bad Boy

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. He's incredibly selfish and it's something that was originally quite horny, with him being arrogant and self-centred. Now it's impacting on important things in life and I need to convince him my feelings are important too. What should I do?
- Moth to a Flame

What an asshole. Break up with him immediately. And just disappear. Refuse to take his calls. Don't give him any sense of closure. Except one key bit. Give him my number.

I want him extra demanding, egotistical, boorish and aggressive. In my ass. And mouth. In no particular order. Strike that. In this order: mouth, ass, mouth, mouth, ass, mouth, lunch break, mouth. ass. No, it wouldn't stop shortly after lunch. The last "ass" would take us through early evening.

So clearly I get the allure. But just like someone with a fantastic sense of humor, you wouldn't want them to be "on" all the time. Because it's somewhat of an intimacy blocker. At this point, he's used to getting hoards of positive feedback for being exactly himself. And he may in fact be that guy. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. A lesson millions of people haven't learned.

It is important you assert yourself for sure. At the same time, you need to understand he may not be playacting here. He may naturally be that guy. And if he doesn't change to your liking that doesn't mean you're not worth it, and it doesn't even mean you're not worth it to him. It would mean you two are not a match.

On some level, I could say a guy needs to leave that at the bedroom door, but considering foreplay is 24/7 and relationships as a whole are about the little things, his behavior adds up to you feeling uncared for, disrespected, on guard and stressed out. It's not sustainable.

I did just hear the acronym THINK for when you are wanting to talk to someone about a potentially controversial topic they may be defensive about. Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?  

While that's often used in context of general communications, not necessarily for relationships, it can still apply. It's true that you have specific needs you need to assert. You're being helpful in stating ways to potentially strengthen your relationship. You're awesome so hopefully it would inspire him to change. It's necessary so your relationship has a chance. And you need to commit to saying it in a kind way.

And if he does change and you lose interest in him anyway because he's not the exact percentages of "bad boy" and "good guy" you want and need, so be it.

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