Ask GayDemon: Gay Gift Guide

I am trying to organise something special for my boyfriend’s birthday, but we have such different interests and I can’t even begin to think what he would enjoy. So instead I thought he’d appreciate something that brings us together more. What would you suggest?
-Empty Handed

I bet you think I'm going to say "double-headed dildo" but you're so wrong. Rather go for the triple-headed dildo. That way it's both a sex toy and a passive aggressive way to tell your boyfriend you want to have a three-way. Or that you want him to stick all three heads into your three assholes.

Just because cleaning a three-headed dildo can be a pain, here are some other options.

Write him a horrible, epically long poem. Make sure you read it to him slowly while extremely physically close, ideally in some partial embrace. As a bonus, he'll burn a lot of calories pretending to enjoy the experience. It's like a workout, so you're also getting him a free gym membership in a way.

Do a whole "This Is Your Life" thing which if you don't know was this vintage TV show where a guest would sit onstage while one by one they'd hear a voice from their past. That person would eventually be brought on stage, whether their voice was recognized or not. So like your first grade teacher or that cab driver who fucked you when you were really drunk.

I may have imagined that cab driver episode because I think that was from a 1990s James St. James Outweek magazine column. What a slut that club kid was.

But the "This Is Your Life" thing would bring you closer together because as part of it, you'd be learning more about his history. You'd be talking to his friends to find out different milestones. Now since he might perceive that as being snoopy, you could instead organize some day trip to some special spot, just the two of you.

But here's the key. Pick a place you like too. Maybe a bed and breakfast stay in a cute little town by the water. It's okay to pick something you like too. He'll want to spend time with someone (You!) who is enjoying himself along the way. While you may not have every shared interest in the world, you do share the most important shared interest: each other.

Or just stay in and suck a couple loads out of him. Guys love that. Especially at a bed and breakfast in a cute little town by the water.

Now as much as you want to, don't panic and get him a gift card. So impersonal. The key is whatever you choose, make sure it's clear it took you time and effort and is from the heart. Because love in an action. Or at least that's what people say all the time so it's probably true, right?

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