Ask GayDemon: Friends Without Boundaries

I'm single but date quite regularly. My problem is that my friends don't have a hands-off policy and constantly come on to my dates. And I'm not talking about secretly slipping a phone number into his hand. WTF? Do I need new friends?

-Third Wheel

You couldn't be talking about them secretly doing anything because anything they're actually doing secretly you wouldn't know about. So clearly you're talking about them copping a feel. The issue there isn't your friends. It's your date's experience with you and your friends, and you pretty much seemingly accepting it as the norm.

I'm not saying jealousy and possessiveness are appropriate, however you are purposely hanging out with a group including the guy you're dating and your friends at the same time. Without having established a norm or boundaries in how each of you relate to others. If you're not standing up to your friends in the moment, then the guy you're dating pretty much thinks dating you means getting manhandled by your friends too. 

If the guy you're dating likes that, then he's not a match for you. So you're basically looking for a more monogamous dating experience without asserting your needs to either your friends or the person you're dating.

As for whatever manhandling is involved, some gay folks think there is a standard basic playful expectation that precludes boundaries. If the guy you're dating is actually uncomfortable but too intimidated or confused or disoriented by it to assert boundaries in the moment, that's a horrible situation. 

If he's cool with whatever level of touch or sex talk or flirting is going on, then he either sees it as harmless and inoffensive (to you and him) and not leading anywhere or he wants it to lead somewhere with your friends (and maybe it has in some cases). By he I mean whoever you're dating in the moment.

So for all you know the guys you're dating and your friends are perfectly fine with this as it is. Give your friends a chance to respect your needs by asserting them (without the guy you're dating present). If they don't respect you, then tell them the consequences and that to you that's not a friendship. Move on if they can't be true friends. 

And communicate with guys you're dating what you are looking for. It's not just your friends who may come on to a guy you're dating. You can see what he does in the moment, hoping he rejects both serious and frivolous advances in favor of your attention. Or you can tell him that he's so handsome that you're sure he's going to get hit on by others in front of you and that you're happy he's with you. Then squeeze his hand tighter. But if he wants to make you jealous or build on any insecurities you have, that is not cute or admirable behavior.

Speak up more for what you want and maybe you'll actually get it.

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