Ask GayDemon: Don't Give a Fuck

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we don't fuck anymore. He watches a lot of porn and I started to watch more recently, too. Am I unattractive to him?

-Fuckless Fella

Yes! Next question.

Wait, that was heartless of me. And you're already fuckless so you don't need heartless. Because without fucks and without heart, what do any of us have? Just our stupid brains. Well, mine's not stupid, but you get the point.

So the real answer is maybe! That's right, maybe you are unattractive to him. But assuming you've got the same body and face you did when you first met, it's not you that's changed, it's your compatibility. And if you don't have the same body and face you did when you first met, that's really freaky. People should never change.

To help guide my answer, I'm listening to the 12" of Kim Fields' 1984 single "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" (that's right, Tootie from Facts of Life had a minor music career). Her inane lyrics are quite inspiring.

One positive in your situation is that he watches a lot of porn. Since you know, it proves that some of the time he watches is in front of you (unless you have access to his calendar and he marks off several hours as "Watch porn and sexually ignore boyfriend"). If he does, then know that organization is an admirable quality in a partner.

You may be wondering if the porn creates some sort of unrealistic body and sexual performance standards to which you can't hope to compare favorably. Unless he watches porn he hates (and why would anyone do that), you needn't wonder. As of course you can't compare well to porn studs. The main way you can't hope to compare is that they always coincidentally are ready to have sex the moment you press play. And people aren't like that.

So what's the answer? Well you're on the right track in watching more porn yourself, as it's a wonderful companion on its own. And by doing so, you can begin to emulate the porn guys. Scrutinize your body like you were a prize pig at a county fair. Or in your case, a pig at a county fair vying (and not quite getting) a prize quite yet. Adapt your diet and workout to reach the porn ideal.

Does he like hairy guys? Smooth guys? Match up to that by waxing/shaving or get a chest hair toupée. There are some bad Halloween costumes that have chest hair built in. Just don't wear one in front of any open flames. So romantic candles are out. That fake chest hair shit is flammable.

Whatever you do, do not talk to him about your feelings! Porn guys don't talk to each other about their feelings. Except sometimes that porn actor Bryan Slater eeks out some emotion in Joe Gage flicks. And Ray Dragon is just super fucking intense, so there's that. Plus Trenton Ducati escorts on the side, acting like he's into his clients while they climb all over his muscle body. Now that's Academy Award level action.

Also, try talking to your boyfriend more like porn guys talk. Show up as the pizza delivery guy and see what happens. I guarantee you'll get the desired response, which is that he'll rub his boner, turn around and head right for the laptop to fire up Pizza Boy, He Delivers. And just like he digs porn from the past, so too can you like your relationship of the past, knowing that as of now, porn has taken over and there's no going back.

Now go watch some porn and leave your poor, addled boyfriend to masturbate in peace. Maybe he'll let you watch your porn next to him and your laptops can touch. That's romance!

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