Ask GayDemon: Curiouser and Curiouser

My mom's new boyfriend keeps asking me awkward questions about my sex life. I'm 19 and he's been with her for about two months. Should I freak out?

-Private Privates

Yes, totally freak out. Right now! Go ahead. Do it. Make it count. Freak the fuck out.

Are you done for now? Okay, great! Now here's the deal. Why are you qualifying them as "awkward" questions? Wouldn't any question about your sex life be awkward? I can see questions about your dating life being non-awkward, like if he's just trying to show some interest in your life and trying to prove to your mother that he's not a homophobe. Assuming you're gay that is. Which I guess I can't assume, so I'll ask.

Are you gay? Do you like dick in your mouth? How about your ass? How about two dicks in your ass? How about someone eating fresh pancakes off your back while you crouch on all fours like a coffee table? If you get into pretending to be a coffee table, what magazine do you like on your back? Because that's what coffee tables do, bitch.

How many times do you ejaculate in an average week? Can you text me after each ejaculation and include a picture of the result? Do you like to pee on guy's faces for money? Are you into so into skid marks that RUN ME OVER WITH YOUR SKID MARKS is your personal ad heading? Is your dick actually 8" long but you tell people 7.5" because 8" sounds so fake?

Does it give you a sexual thrill to shoplift pecans? Have you every been arrested for public lewdness? Do you want to be?

Wow, it's tiring for me to come up with questions when I totally don't give a fuck about your sex life. But clearly your mom's boyfriend totally cares about your sex life, probably as jack-off material.

So start answering every question with an insane amount of completely fraudulent and ridiculous detail like each day in your life is 40 porn scenarios spliced together. And answer his questions right in front of your mom. That should make him shut the fuck up and start realizing there's more to being gay than a sex life. Such as not having a sex life.

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