Ask GayDemon: Boyfriend's Porn Past and Future

I've been dating a guy for a couple of months now and I really like him. Last night he told me that he's made a few gay porn videos and wouldn't mind doing some more as a sideline to his main career. I'm not sure I like the idea of my boyfriend being a porn star. Am I uptight? Jealous? Insecure?

-Star Fucker

Yes, you're uptight, jealous and insecure. You should immediately get over the fact that he withheld this important information from you for so long and make sure you react as you imagine someone in your position who isn't uptight, jealous and insecure should react. Which since you don't want to be seen as anti-sex in any way, is by giving him an emotional standing ovation for his reveal.

And if you happen to actually feel uptight, jealous or insecure at any time, don't ever blow your cover and tell him, because your relationship can't handle one iota more of honesty in either direction.

Or you could instead focus on listening to your gut, listening to yourself, and feeling any and all responses you have without judging yourself. Because if you want him to be honest with you, that means you also have to be honest with yourself, and him. You're not sure how you feel. He's not sure how you feel. And he's not sure how he feels.

Obviously, he's not such a porn star that anyone in your circle called it out to you. But also that means you have been dating someone who has been in videos. And he's the same person now as before you knew. Unless he's talking about shooting amateur videos with an ex, remember it's all modeling. He's not making love to anyone. Nor they with him. It's physical acting.

Personally, I'd want to watch his earlier videos and see how it makes you feel. You can try watching them alone and/or with him as a way to bring up feelings for both of you. Making a porn movie is only cheating if you're a studio exclusive porn actor who has made videos with some other studio on the sly.

But if you end up really feeling and believing you don't feel comfortable with him doing another porn, it's important you communicate that to him. And I would hope he doesn't immediately get defensive and judgmental. If for you it feels like a deal breaker for him to do another, and if simultaneously for him, it feels like a deal breaker for you to say you aren't okay with it, then that doesn't automatically mean you have to break up.

Rather, he could just make another one and you can see how you actually react when a new video goes from hypothetical to real. It might help if he redoubles his focus on you, being really romantic, caring, loving, all that jazz. To prove how it's just a work thing (and maybe a bit of a thrill for him to be in that little piece of show business).

So you can both navigate your way through it together. And maybe stay together. Just remember if it turns out that you're fine with him doing porn, that doesn't preclude other reasons you two may end up breaking up at some point.

Hopefully he makes splosh videos though and the most drama it will cause in your relationship is a dry cleaning bill when you visit the set and end up in the splash zone. But cream pies tend to bring most people closer together anyhow.

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