Ask GayDemon: Bisexual Boyfriend

I wasn't completely honest with my boyfriend. I'm not completely gay, I'm actually bi. I've been dating him for about nine months now and I'm missing guy-on-girl action. We're monogamous at the moment. I love this  guy and I'm happy with him, but every once in a while I'd like to jump the fence for an encounter. How do I tackle this one?

-Baffled Bisexual

There are plenty of bisexual people completely into total monogamy. You don't  happen to be one of them at the moment. But let's somewhat separate out the bisexual aspect from this because you could easily be feeling the same thing if you were, as you put it, "completely gay."

Meaning, plenty of people in monogamous relationships of all types still feel they are missing out on some kind of extracurricular action. The question is if you exist with that feeling without taking action or address it. And it's best you address it. Honestly.

So you'll need to figure out how important it is to you to be with someone else, or several someone elses. And if those are exclusively female or not. Is the issue the monogamy itself holding you back? Or strictly missing connection with females? Because while you can and should communicate any changes to your needs in real time, if you start this out boxing yourself into a corner stating your need for sex with women and deep down you really also want outside sex with men, that can get very messy and confusing for the guy you're seeing. 

For him, monogamy may be key regardless of who you would want to be with outside the relationship. So it all may be a deal breaker for him. But if monogamy is a deal breaker for you. Then the deal is broken, period.  And your'e not a match. 

It may be that you being with women outside the relationship, and zero men, changes the dynamic of what type of non-monogamy he finds doable for him emotionally. And of course there are also STI considerations in all this.

You're the one who hamstrung yourself in this. It's right to do some soul searching to figure out to best of your ability what your needs are.  Actual needs, not simply fantasies of needs. And then communicate to him as soon as possible. The deal may already be broken due your misrepresentation of your sexual orientation from the start. Which is not a comment on bisexual people in general, but on you in particular.

The fact that there is plenty of biphobia may explain some insecurity you have, and the need you felt to pass as gay in this situation. But you're not giving him a chance to be respectful and caring in relation to who you are, roles aside.

If he is open to moving forward in some non-monogamy way, you also need to open up to the possibility he may wish to have experiences outside the relationship too. So do some thinking about that first and just give honest responses about how it makes you feel. The fact that he's gay (seemingly) and you're a man doesn't mean all his needs are met.

It's definitely possible that all this can work out well. By which I mean you communicate clearly and honestly and he does the same and whatever connection (or lack of connection) results simply is what it is. But if it does end, you'll have some practice in communication and navigating  this complexity. It's not easy, but it's better than acting like someone you're not. Because that is the opposite of the intimacy you're seeking.

I would suggest you connect more with bisexual community as well and let go some of the stereotypes you may have in your head that drove you to hide who you are from the start. Also, your bisexual identity doesn't preclude your being part of gay culture as well. So I'm not entirely saying you've taken on an identity that isn't a match and is inherently misleading. Rather, consider that when you do apply a label to yourself as far as identity, that it's important you experience it as freeing, not constricting. In this case, monogamy is constricting, as is gay. 

If the relationship is not a match for other reasons, also consider just ending it without going through the whole non-monogamy arrangement at all. Just be honest at all stages, even if your feelings change. And also be honest with the women you may end up connecting with. You may end up getting everything you want. Though I'm suspecting your boyfriend may not want to know all the details. Or maybe he's secretly bi too.

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