Ask GayDemon: A Is for Addict

I am pretty sure I’ve developed a sex addiction. I can’t stop thinking about it, watching porn, hooking up with guys from Grindr. I even wake up in the night craving sex. It’s getting in the way of work, family life, and seeing friends. Sex comes first. Always. Where can I get help?
-Stumped Sexaholic

You took time out from sex to pose this question, which is great! Or were you fucking while typing? Which would also be great! Definitely something to bring up in a job interview as proof of your ability to multitask. When you tell your prospective employer, they'll think "Hey, here's a guy who will be fucking while he types and email to me saying he needs to stay home sick."

The job is yours. Provided you interview to be a professional sex addict.

Me diagnosing you, though, is about as valid as you diagnosing yourself. Because you're biased. Potentially at least slightly by sex negativity and institutionalized homophobia. And also because you're assuming that if you didn't have this "sex addiction" (which may be a condition but is also a label), nothing would get in the way of work, family life, and seeing friends.

Nice thought that if only you fix that one thing, everything in your life will be dandy. But you may find that you don't like your job, you don't like spending that much time with family, and you don't have all the friends in the world at your beck and call now that you have more free time. You may find you don't much like spending time alone.

Worse yet, you may discover you miss having sex ,including watching porn, hooking up with guys you might wherever (including Grindr), and the sex-fueling idea that you have a sex addiction.

Yes, I do recommend you see a mental health counselor, but this must be a person who advertises as sex positive. So you can have an unbiased person give perspective and also ask questions so you can gain more awareness about yourself.

One hallmark of sex addiction (if one accepts that it's a thing), is that people have sex even when it isn't pleasurable. Your goal can be a way that sex, porn, masturbation, all of it (including sexual interests you haven't yet explored and desires you may not yet have developed) can be a full, deep, important, vibrant part of your life, your being.

It's not about eliminating an addiction and then moving on. Ask yourself, who is the person who is having these concerns? Where are your concerns coming from? Take a slow path in counseling, no promised instant fixes, as those can lead to instant unfixes. It's about the long haul.

In the meantime, stay as safe as you can, which includes holding onto your job and key connections with people. I'm not about go on an anti-porn crusade here. It's okay to enjoy porn and enjoy your body while you sort this out. Porn may end up not being your main thing in the future, as it's not your main thing now. But it does offer a safe personal space to feel and be sexual so it could play a role as you move forward. As could kind, loving, hot as hell men. Because hugs are nice. Naked hugs are too.

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