Ask GayDemon: A Fucking Shame

I've been seeing this guy who I really like. We've been taking it slowly. Last night was our fourth date and we had sex for the first time. He was fucking me, and how do I put this? Well, I wasn't as clean as I thought I was. He shrugged it off and joked, "Shit happens." But after we got cleaned up, he still wanted to fuck. But I was horribly embarrassed, so I feigned sleepiness and sent him on his way. I'd love to see him again, so how do I get over it and pick up the phone?

-Leaky Bottom

First wipe your shit off your phone. And off your fingers. And your mouth. And use Anti-Shit Smell Mouthwash (preferably from the Paris Hilton Home Collection). Then prepare to beg for his forgiveness for your natural bodily functions.

This is akin to you sneezing. Something involuntary but still deeply disturbing. Especially if you sneeze shit. But if you do, then use Anti-Shit Sneeze Extra Absorbent Face Pads (preferably from the Martha Stewart Collection). And she ought to know, having to put up with so much stuff in her career, like prison time for insider trading.

You do understand that he's already over it. And that it's all in your head. You can't necessarily stop from being embarrassed or from worried it will happen again. He was right to use humor to defuse the situation. This isn't the first time it's happened to him I'm sure.

You could tell him a crazy thing called the truth, that you're still feeling embarrassed but you know it's just in your head. And that you appreciate him lightening the mood with humor in the moment. Don't tell him that you faked being tired though. That's just a pointless thing to admit. Whether you call it tired or not, you weren't in the mood to get fucked again, so you set a boundary and that's fine.

We'll call it a little brown lie.

But don't lie again. Rather think about some things you can do moving forward. Like say a high fiber diet. Or having a butt wipe handy (though they aren't as biodegradable as they claim). Or pausing to take a radiation decontamination level power shower together.

Or as a backup, try a plush, cotton towel in the color Shit Brown (preferably from the Kim Kardashian Kollection). She ought to know.

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