Ask Gay Demon: "Straight Guy" Wants More

I'm  straight, well, I thought I was. A few months ago, I caught myself  checking guys out on the street. I was too afraid to try anything, wasn't sure if I even wanted to at first. So I found GayDemon and I've been checking things out. I like a lot of what I see here, so does my cock, and I'm curious to try something with another guy. But I have no idea how to find a patient and caring guy who will take it slow and let me experiment. I think I want more than a quick blowjob in a park. Any ideas?

-Semi Straight

An identity label is important and powerful when it frees you to be yourself. But it can also be constricting and unhelpful when you're in exploration mode. So set aside wondering if you're straight or something else. And keep in mind that your identity (whether labeled or not) isn't the same as your actual sexual behavior. In other words, consider yourself whatever you want to be at any time. And now, exactly as you're seeking to do experiment and explore.

So that's a great attitude to have. And exploring online is a safe way to start. Maybe you've found that images and fantasies that bring you over the edge often involve men. Yet you also know yourself well enough to say you don't want a quick blowjob in a park. You don't want to be random trade. That's not your style. And while you may enjoy straight man/gay man porn from time to time, that doesn't mean you want to play act here. You want to be you.

You have to decide if you're looking for someone to purely experiment sexually with or someone you can be close to sexually and emotionally. Since you brought up "patient" and "caring" that would at first seem to imply the latter. Except for the fact that you can connect with people on a friends-with-benefits basis as long as it's not just a cute name for something. As long as you actually focus on friendship.

And that means you're not just assuming he's going to want to rush in and you're the one who needs him to be patient. The way you may feel pent up desire at this time you may find yourself throwing out your assumed timetable and pushing him for sex fast and now. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if it's mutual, but you are at risk of sending mixed signals.

So keep in mind that "patient" and "caring" is a two-way street. And that you'll be better off not to look at guys as an extension of pornography but as full people, albeit men who may be shy about being vulnerable and open about their emotions, unsure about your emotional and romantic availability.

All of which means stop labeling anything you do as taking it "slow" because that assumes a default speed to get to certain sexual activities. And what's that default anyhow. Five minutes? Five hours? Five weeks?

So I would suggest getting involved in activities that have folks of various sexual orientations. For example, look up gay sports leagues and you'll often find that straight and bi guys are on various teams too because that sport and that team is the right fit for them. You don't have to announce a label for yourself, just be on the team. There are also lots of political activities you can get involved in. You would come off as an "ally" and be able to meet a lot of people and see people interact with each other also. Because instant one-on-one interactions may be too much too soon. Just let it happen organically and don't put all your energy into one person being your tour guide to the wonderful world of gay sex. He's trying to figure it all out too.

You could apply this same concept with any of your interests. Put yourself out there in various communities, have a lot of interactions, find people you connect with and take it from there. And through it all, be patient and caring. And safe.

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