Losing My Religion

Seth’s story

My first day on campus was awesome. I made some new friends, was pretty much out, and it felt good to be able to be me. The only wrench in the works was my suitemate Zach. I was totally smitten with him and was hoping he was gay, but based on his silence, he’s obviously straight and not cool with my sexuality. I had no problem with him being straight (of course I’d prefer he be gay and fall hopelessly in love with me, lol), but I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable around me.

It was Friday morning, and we had a couple of more days before classes started. I had finalized my class schedule and unpacked so I pretty much had the next couple of days to myself. Eric went down to meet with the manager of Starbucks at 8AM and got hired on the spot. Before he even got back to our room the manager called me, interviewed me over the phone and offered me a job pending a reference from my old boss in Phoenix, that wouldn’t be an issue. I was psyched, I needed the money. So, by noon on my second day there I was moved in and had a job lined up. Now, I could relax and explore a little. My brothers were on their way back to Phoenix and were texting me stupid crap like every two minutes. Damn I missed them already.

Eric, Teddy, and I all seemed to bond after our first night of hanging out drinking and toking. But sadly, I lost Zach along the way. Zach had avoided me ever since Eric accidentally outed me. Shit! I was going to have to address that whether I wanted to or not. I saw Gina in the cafeteria at breakfast and she recruited me to play volleyball at the park with a bunch of her friends. When she stopped by our suite to pick me up, Teddy invited himself and followed along like a love-sick puppy dog. It was fun to watch him doing his damnedest to impress her. The second we got there he pulled off his shirt and was trying to hit a power spike over the net every time. I also caught him flexing his muscles whenever she looked his way. He was not subtle, and she was not falling for it… but it was fun to watch.

After volleyball I hung out in my room by myself for a while. I was sitting on my bed with my EarPods in skyping with my brother Brad, telling him everything about my first couple of days on campus, including the awkwardness between me and Zach, and of course I told him Zach was hot as hell too. I looked up and Zach was standing in the doorway frame wearing sweat and a T-shirt and of course, looking hot as hell.

“Hey, West. Can we talk?” He asked.

Shit, that dumbass nickname my father’s a-hole church buddies used to call him was going to stick – ugh ‘West’. “Yeah, I’m Skyping, let me hang up” I said to him, then turned to Brad and said, “my suitemate Zach walked in, I gotta go”

“Can he hear me?” Brad whispered. I subtly shook my head ‘no’ “Good luck, just keep being you baby brother, it’ll all work out. Love you!” Then he signed off.

“Sorry I didn’t realize you were skyping” Zach said.

“It’s cool, I was just finishing up with my brother.” I said putting down my laptop and putting my pillow in my lap.

“Cool. Which one, Eli or Brian?” he asked.

“Brad” I said as I took my Earbuds out and smiled at Zach. God he was cute.

Eric and I had our beds were in an L shape and Eric’s was higher up than mine. Zach climbed up the ladder and sat on Eric’s bunk with his toned legs dangling off the edge as he looked down at me. “Brad? Another brother! Damn, how many of you guys are there?” Zach said with a laugh and a smile that just turned my insides into freaking Jell-O.

“I’m the youngest of six. I have two more sisters” I answered.

“Holy shit, your family’s huge! I just have a younger sister, and she’s a pain in the ass.” He said and I laughed at his response. He seemed to be getting more comfortable around me. The smile on his face was replaced with a more serious look “Um… I… I want to apologize for getting weird last night when you told us you were gay.”

“Technically, I didn’t tell you, Eric did. I was planning to be a little more subtle and classy about it… although I had no clue how” I laughed. That got a smile out of him and seemed to put him a little more at ease. He laid back on Eric’s bed, staring at the ceiling with his legs still hanging down, His T-shirt pulled up a little so I could see his treasure trail, and the light from the window made the blonde hairs on his legs shimmer. Damn I was so into him. “Listen, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me. I’m sorry…”

Zach cut me off as he propped himself up on his elbows and shot me a half smile “No, don’t apologize, it’s not you man, it’s all me. I owe YOU the apology.” His words were sincere. “It just caught me off guard, I guess. I grew up in a really small, conservative town. The only gay guy I ever met in my life was this guy, Chris. We weren’t great friends or anything, but we hung out with some of the same guys. He came out Junior year and my dad wouldn’t let me to hang out with him anymore. I know it’s no excuse, but… I just wasn’t sure what to say or how to act around you.”

He was looking straight at me the entire time he spoke, and I was looking up the leg of his shorts. I’M SORRY! BUT DAMN!!! This poor guy was pouring his heart out to me, and I was boning up just thinking about all the nasty new things I wanted to try with him. That was totally not like me! What the hell was he doing to me?! I did my best to concentrate and hold up my end of the conversation “Just act the exact, same freaking way you would around Teddy, Eric or anyone else. I’m not any different… except I’m attracted to guys instead of girls.”

“Fair enough” Zach said with a smile and a nod. He was warming up to me “I just don’t want to say something stupid and piss you off.”

I laughed, “If you do, I’ll let you know, correct you, and then just lord it over your head forever.”

He laughed and we were talking more like friends. “Um... can I ask you something else?” He said with this shy expression and tone that had my heart jumping.

“Yeah, of course” I said assuming it would be one of the dumbass questions Cam and I used to get at school all the time like ‘are you the girl or the boy?’ or ‘how do you do it?’ or ‘does it hurt?’

“Please don’t judge me or think I’m stupid… but what the fuck is ‘pan?’” He said with the most adorable, confused, scrunched up look on his face. I started laughing out loud. “I had no clue what Eric was telling us last night.”

Dammit he was so cute! “It basically means that he doesn’t care about gender or gender identity, he’s attracted to the person not the gender” I said giving him the most basic answer I could.

“So, like bi?” he asked.

“Kinda” I said and nodded my head; it was a close enough understanding for now. I’m sure Eric would correct him with nuances later. “Man, I feel so stupid. My hometown is so small, and my parents are so conservative. I grew up really sheltered.”

“So did I” I said. “My dad is a right wing, Christian nut job who’s convinced god wants him to smack his kids around when they don’t obey” I blurted out with a venom in my voice. Zach’s eyes went wide, and his jaw dropped.

“Really? What the fuck did he say when you came out to him?” He asked.

“I never did. I haven’t even talked to him in almost three years. I came out to my mom about two years ago, but I don’t have a clue if she told my dad.”

“Really? You haven’t seen him in three years? Are your parents divorced?” He asked still wide-eyed. I decided to tell him my entire, sorted history. From growing up with my crazy, zealot of a father, to Brad and Brian getting abducted, and me and Eli getting thrown into a barn to ask forgiveness for hiding a cell phone. I told him about us moving in with Brad and Scotty, EVERYTHING, my entire life story all while doing my damnedest not to just jump his bones. Zach’s beautiful hazel eyes were wide and glued to me. He hung on my every word.

Once I finished, he sat there just staring at me in silence, then he exhaled big, and finally spoke “Wow. I’ve led such a sheltered life. You are so fucking brave. I wish I had half your courage.” He looked at me expectantly, as if he was trying to tell me something and I wasn’t quiet getting it. “Um… I feel like I should hug you or something after all that. Would that be cool?”

‘Fuck!’ I thought. ‘Yeah, it would be very cool… if I wasn’t sporting a huge ab poking hardon in my gym shorts.’“Yeah, that would be nice” I replied with a smile as he climbed off Eric’s bunk, came over to my bed and leaned in for a hug. Luckily, I was still seated holding my pillow, so he didn’t feel the rager in my shorts. His arms felt perfect around me. He fit me.

He let me go and sat on the bed next to me and we kept talking. He told me about growing up as the son of the mayor of a small, conservative, Midwestern town and how his dad was very involved in who he hung out with and what he did. Although his father didn’t seem as sadistic as mine, his situation wasn’t much better. His mom sounded a lot like mine – turn a blind eye and don’t rock the boat. We had a lot in common and we both recognized it. I asked a lot of questions and noticed that he shied away from anything about dating. I asked about any girlfriends, if he went to prom, all that stuff and he just glossed over it. ‘Hmmmm’ I thought to myself, ‘maybe he’s a closet case.’ I’m sure it was just wishful thinking on my part. I had to keep telling myself that I had to live with this guy. He was a suitemate, we needed to get along. I couldn’t do anything stupid.

Before we knew it, it was dinner time “So, you got dinner plans?” he asked.

“I was just gonna hit the cafeteria with Eric, but I have no clue where he is.” I responded as I pulled out my phone to text Eric. He texted back that him and Teddy took a bus downtown and were just walking around checking it out and to do dinner without him. “Well, I guess I’m free, wanna hit the cafeteria with me.”

“There’s a burger place about a block of campus that everyone talks about, I wanted to check it out” he said. “Wanna be my dinner date?” He smiled a wide mischievous grin. It was a joke. Right? He wasn’t asking me out. Right? He’s straight. Right? It was just an expression, and I was reading way too much into it. Shit this guy was gonna be trouble.

“Abso-freaking-lutely!” I exclaimed, probably with a little too much excitement.

“I’m gonna change, see you in the lounge in 5.” He said as he hopped off my bed and bounded over to his room leaving me there to ponder what kind of relationship we were building here. Suitemates? Acquaintances? Friends? Best friends? BOYfriends? I needed to stop thinking like that! He was straight as an arrow and any romantic thoughts were just my imagination and I was setting myself up for a letdown.

5 minutes later I was in my jeans and a polo shirt and waiting in our lounge. Zach walked in looking hot as always. “Let’s go, West.” He took the steps down to the lobby and went out the back way. It was a short walk to the restaurant. The place was cool. Kind of bar-ish with a small menu of mostly burgers, fries, wings, onion rings and anything else deep fried. It smelled flipping great! The place was crowded as hell, but it was just the two of us, so we were able to snag a small table. The waitress came over right away and our food was there within minutes. This place knew how to turn tables fast. I ordered a burger and fries, as soon as my fries hit the table a hand came out of nowhere and an ass was pushing me half off my chair. “Hey, Zach. Hey, West” Gina said as she popped one of my fries in her mouth and reached for the ketchup and poured it all over MY fries.

That was the first time I had seen her dressed up, I totally got why the straight guys fell all over her. She really was hot. “You were kicking ass on the volleyball court today” she said as she kept eating my fries.

“Teddy was pretty good” I said like the wingman he wanted me to be. Zach smiled at me knowingly.

“Oh, come on. He’s such a fucking ham, spiking everything and flexing like he was in a bodybuilding competition.” She laughed “I don’t’ fall for that shit. He needs to do better than that.”

“Give the guy a break” I said. “He was doing his damnedest to impress you.”

She smirked at me and gave me the side-eye “Yeah, I know. I’m gonna make him work for it.” Gina was a bitch in the very best possible sense of the term. She was confident as hell, smart, beautiful, and didn’t give a flying-fig what anyone thought about her. Every straight guy wanted her; every girl wanted to be her. There was just something about her. A natural beauty and confidence.

“I gotta hit the head, I’ll be right back” Zach said as he got up and headed toward the restroom.

As soon as he got up and left Gina turned towards me, her face just inches from mine “Did I cock-block you?! I totally cock-blocked you, didn’t I?!” She blurted excitedly with a sly smile on her face.

I laughed, “I don’t think so. I think he’s straight; I don’t freaking know. My gaydar sucks! I was surrounded by ‘good Christian men’ (I used air quotes) who were as effeminate as hell for the first sixteen years of my life and would’ve sworn they were all gay (they probably were), and the last two and a half years of my life I was surrounded by gay men who were masculine as fuck. I just can’t freaking tell anymore.” Gina was laughing out loud.

“Oh my god! Well figure it out already!” She said, “If he’s straight I am so pouncing on that.” Zach was headed back to the table, Gina grabbed a handful of my fries and said goodbye.

Zach sat down as she walked away, he grabbed a fry and said, “she’s a trip.” He wasn’t wrong.

“Totally. And Teddy is so into her!” I said.

“I heard you talking him up. You’re a good wingman West.” Zach said stuffing his face with one of the best burgers around.

“Can you drop the ‘West” shit and help me get everyone else to drop it too. That’s my a-hole dad’s nickname among his church friends, and I freaking hate it.” I said.

“I got your back, SETH” Zack said emphasizing my real name with a mesmerizing smile on his face. We finished dinner pretty quick and then just walked around campus checking it out. We walked past the buildings where we knew we had classes to get familiar with our new daily routines. We had Philosophy 101 together, but that was it. We were walking and talking, and I was doing a damn good job of not staring dreamily into his eyes when suddenly I felt a huge weight on my back.

“WEEEESSSSSSTTTT!” Teddy yelled in my ear as he wrapped his arms around my neck and legs around my back almost tackling me to the ground, but I grabbed him around the ankles and kept my balance.

Eric came up behind us with his hands in his pockets “Hey, guys we’re back” he said quietly with an embarrassed grin on his face. I could tell Teddy was a little much for a shy guy like him to handle.

“Get the fuck off him” Zach yelled to Teddy. “You should me kissing Seth’s ass!” He called me Seth, that made me smile.

“What the fuck for?” Teddy asked still wrapped around me, now rubbing my head with his knuckles.

“He just spent twenty minutes telling Gina what a great guy you were” Zach said trying to get Teddy to set me free.

Teddy jumped down off my back “Really? You did?!” He asked me excitedly “What did she say?!”

Zach answered before I could “she said you had to work for it, and that she wasn’t buying into you cheesy hamming it up on the volleyball court. Every guy around here is all over her, dude. You don’t stand a freaking chance.” He laughed at his roommate.

“But Seth’s her Gay BFF! She’ll listen to him. He’s my secret weapon!” Teddy said. He called me Seth.

Eric, who had been walking silently beside us this whole time finally spoke up and said, “Well jumping on his back and being an obnoxious prick is probably not the best way to get him to help you.” Teddy shot him a nasty look while Zach and I started to crack up. Eric was the kind of guy that didn’t say much, but when he did speak, he was hilariously blunt, no filters. I could tell that hanging with loud, boisterous Teddy was stretching his limits a little. But he was doing good with it.

We headed back to our suite joking and taking jabs at each other, anyone who saw us would have no clue that we just met yesterday. When we got back to the suite we hung out in the lounge for a while with the door open to the hall letting the others in the dorm know they were welcome to join us. Gina came up with her suitemates and walked right in plopping down on my lap.

“I got a friend from home who lives a few blocks off campus, she’s having a house party tomorrow night, you wanna come?” She asked me. Eric and Zach you’re invited too” she said with a coy smile as she very noticeably left Teddy off the invite to see what he’d do.

“Hey! What about me?!” Teddy yelled.

“Oh. Yeah. I guess you can come too” she said with an aloof tone as her suitemates all giggled. She was working him bigtime and he was the only one who didn’t see it. She was a devious little bitch. We were going to get along fine.

After a couple of hours of hanging out and watching Teddy clumsily flirt with Gina the girls left and went back to their suite. Eric and I headed to our room and Teddy and Zach went to their room on the other side of the lounge.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and Zach came in behind me. We stood next to each other brushing out teeth at the double sink, my eyes glued on his perfect face in the mirror.

We left the bathroom together and both headed off to bed. “I had fun getting to know you today Seth” Zach said. Then he threw his arms around me, hugged me, kissed my cheek, patted my ass and turned to go to his room.

What. The. Actual. Fuck?!

To be continued…

Author’s note: If you want to know more about Seth’s family and upbringing, read my series ‘Adulting’. It’s a long read, but if you’re into this it’ll set the stage. If ‘Adulting’ works for you try ‘Exploring My True Self’. These three stories follow and develop a lot of the same characters along the way. There’s almost a hundred chapters of cheers, tears, and orgasms waiting to be read. Thanks for reading.