Robby and Ryan

Derion’s POV

Sitting at the bottom of the porch was a late-seventies Mercedes 450 SL convertible; with the top down. The car looked like new; like off the showroom floor, new. Ryan kind of chuckled as he pulled his Ray-Bans from the front of his wife-beater and slid into the tan leather of the drivers’ seat.

As we drove, I thought about what I wanted to ask him and what he might tell me. I thought about how he came with nothing and was wearing a wife beater and bitch 501’s. And it was quiet for a while. My stomach was making noise when we pulled up to this little place in Colonial Beach.

“They have the best crab cakes here. Or they used too.” Ryan said.

“She must be ninety,” he remarked when he saw her. “She was here the last time Rob and I came. She looked old then.” He finished kind of distant.

I must admit I had never tasted anything like them. As we sat slowly eating I asked him, “Will you tell me about when Walt, died?”

Ryan rubbed the back of his neck. “Walt was a hick!” He, spit, out, with disgust.

“He was from Concrete, for Christ's sake! He might as well have been from Derrington. Who knows if his dad was his uncle or granddad? Maybe his mother was his sister or his aunt; who fuckin knows?” And he paused. I thought about what he said and where he was going.

“The hair on my neck stood up the first time I met him. He was a fuckin hillbilly, Derion. No class. No manners. And grammar that made me cringe. But he was Rob’s role-model. He was all Rob knew.” And Ryan looked out the window.

“Robby never said, and I never asked. But the hair on my neck has never ever steered me wrong. I try not to think about what kind of reprobate he might have become had Walt lived and been his only influence.” Ryan let out a long breath. I thought about what he had just told me and the implications.

“Rob and I had returned to Washington; it was two months later. So much shit was happening to us, emotionally; the connection we had and, just everything. To say we were self-absorbed at the time is an understatement. His birthday present from Walt was a deer tag. Rob did shoot the deer that stood at the edge of the road.” Ryan took another deep breath.

“When Rob shot it, it stumbled sideways and off the road down an embankment. It took six, long, hours, to drag the thing up; two trips, just to put Rob’s tag on it. Walt cut it in half so they could get it up. Robby told me he cried the whole time.” He continued looking out the window never looking at me.

“Had they not spent the hours to drag that poor creature up, well, Rob would have still had his tag the next weekend. Walt could have walked away leaving the deer dead at the bottom and Rob would have still had his tag the next weekend.” And he shook his head looking at the table.

“Rob could have shot in the air, and still he would have had his tag the next weekend. But it didn’t happen, did it? That is fucked up on so many levels.” And Ryan shook his head still looking down at the table.

“The next week the whole hunting party died. I didn’t know it would happen the way it did, but that was when I realized what I could do for him. I described it as being hit in the chest with a sledgehammer and my heart breaking in two. It was more like getting hit by a bus and my heart being torn in half.” Ryan stopped resting his face in his palms.

He started again, “I didn’t understand what helping him did to me until the next day and my bangs were white. Think about that Derion. Your seventeen years old. You look in the mirror one morning and see your bangs have turned white. I knew something was up from Robby’s reaction, but.

It truly hurt Rob knowing that what I did would cause this. We knew what I did but either of us thought we would have to see what it caused,” as he finished and brushed through the white bangs that remained.

“What about the accident, Ryan? What happened then?” I asked. I really didn’t want to know but I asked anyway.

He washed over his face again. “I have never been so scared in my life, Derion. I didn’t know if Rob was dead or alive when I held his hand. I was pulled from the car and when I heard the paramedic say ‘he’s starting to seize’ I kind of breathed a sigh of relief. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital.” He looked out the window again.

“It was more than a day before they finally took me to him. I don’t know if I have ever raged like that before or since. I really wouldn’t have recognized Robby if not for the dim colors around him. I never expected what happened, but it wouldn’t have made a difference. I’d have done it anyway. And I did.” I had tears in my eyes looking at him.

“It’s hard to explain because it’s so hard to believe. I mean yes; some hair had turned white before. I could not even fathom what happened. I took his hand, felt a kind of euphoria around me, and then he plugged in. Fuck! I can’t believe I’m telling you all this.” And he looked at me.

“You need to understand. With meditation, Derion, you can feel the things that happen every second in your body. It’s a lot of shit if you think about it. We could feel our hearts beating; see them beating with our eyes closed. We could feel the air come into our lungs and ride it along with blood through our bodies. Rob and I practiced that. We tuned into ourselves and each other. It was a game we played.” He shook his head at the statement.

“When I say he plugged in, that’s exactly what he did, and I didn’t stop him. It had always been a game of give and take; I would pull and release and he did the same. All he did was pull and all I did was release after I took his hand.” He looked out the window again.

“I would have shriveled and died next to him so he might live. I didn’t know that at the time but, if that’s what it took, you and I wouldn’t be sitting here right now.” He was confident in that statement.

I tried to remain composed. The shit he had just laid out was a lot to digest. It dawned on Ryan and he apologized. “I’m sorry, Derion. Are you, OK?” He asked. He was truly concerned.

“No, Ryan, I’m not but, it’s my fault. I asked. If I didn’t want the truth, I should have never asked; I just didn’t expect. I’m sorry.” I finished.

I looked out the window at all the cars. I didn’t want to look at Ryan because I knew he was looking at me. I understood now why he glossed over so much. Ryan was trying to reach as many readers as he could at the time.

He wanted people to love Robby as he did, but leaving out all his scars and imperfections that were shared with me, now; the things that made Robby less than what Ryan shared. I had to get up and go to the restroom. I looked at my face in the mirror. I understood Ryan knew I was going to cry.

I ran water over my eyes. I looked at myself again and remembered Ryan’s face. I could tell he felt bad for making me sad but, I could see he felt validated because I’d asked; hurting me was a byproduct of understanding them.

I walked out composed and understood better now just what I had gotten myself into.

“Why did you feel the need to come back here after you guys got out of the hospital?” I questioned after sitting back down.

“We were both going crazy. We were never left alone because Mom and Deb had worked it out; I assume. I knew Rob was happiest here and for some unknown reason, I thought Willow would give me strength that I desperately needed. I don’t know, Derion.” He finished.

I smiled at him when he looked at me. “You didn’t answer the question. It was more than that. Why did you bring him back here?” I finished. He smiled back.

“I had to. I don’t know why, but I did. If Bruno hadn’t been here than I never would have considered it. During that time, we needed to care for each other; not be cared for. I needed to do what I could to take care of him myself even in the condition I was in. And Willow helped me with that.” I looked at him shaking his head as if not believing what he was saying

“Rob needed to mend somewhere that only our Willows could provide. Bruno tended to us but we took care of each other. In retrospect, I didn’t understand at the time but it’s so clear today.”

The bill came and I slapped my hand on it as Ryan’s came down on mine just resting there. “I’ll get this and you can buy dinner,” I told him and he caved. But his hand still rested on mine as he thanked me for lunch.

We got back on the road and I asked him, “He took your last name? Why?” I don’t know if I was punishing him or if I really needed the answer.

Ryan naturally reached to his chest to hold the ring that hung from what rested around his neck. “We were in bed and his head nested in my neck as a finger danced over me and my head rested against his.” And he pulled back into his lane.

“It was after the thing with his Dad and the accident. He wanted no part of Fred after that day and it included his last name.” Ryan looked at the sky for more words. I regretted my question.

“It was so strange. When he asked me if I would share my last name with him he honestly wondered if I would say, no.” And I saw his eyes get wet as he looked away.

I was happy there was little traffic. “We had been together for almost three years, D. I wanted nothing more than that. What followed his request can only be described as a resounding, yes.” And he stopped talking.

I was startled when he started again, “It was 1980; damn near, forty fuckin years ago, D. Chuck did the legal shit. Rob and I hadn’t said a thing to each other but he had Walt’s ring resized for me. Fred had left it behind when he walked out on them and it became Walt’s wedding ring.” And Ryan stopped talking as he turned to look out the window.

“We were eating dinner some weeks later and I noticed the ring was on his middle finger and he realized mine was on my left pinky,” as he held up his left hand.

“There were no words. He pulled the ring from his finger and presented it to me with a smile. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen.” And Ryan squeezed his eyes shut. I saw tears pushed over his cheeks.

“I pulled mine from my little pinky and did the same. By the others hand our rings found their new home. They fit perfectly on our left hands,” he scrubbed his face as he drove.

“I don’t know how we finished dinner with the smiles we wore. As I said, no words were spoken between us but we understood what our act meant. There were no vow’s, no verbal promises made or ink put to paper only to dry and crack over time; but we married that night.” His head shook from side to side.

“When we got home we consummated what we never said to each other.”

I tried to fathom what he’d told me. “So you are gay, Ryan?” I questioned wondering if this was a conversation that might be better had with him, not behind the wheel.

He chuckled. “As best I can tell, I’ve been in love with one person in all these lives; I married two, but have only loved one. I haven’t had sex in over twenty years, Derion. I must be a virgin again by now. How in the hell am I supposed to know if I’m gay or not anymore? What’s with the label?” And he laughed.

“You’re kidding, right? I mean, look at you. You haven’t?” I stated.

“I never kid about sex. What would have been the point, Derion? Every person would have been compared to Robby. It was more of a heart thing than a sex or gender issue. There’s more to cuming; than cuming,” He said.

“What do you? Don’t you at least? How have you managed?” I finished stumbling over my question that sounded so fuckin stupid.

“The first ten years I did what any of us would do. After weeks I would touch myself in a verity of ways. I’d plan scorching jack off sessions. I would cum after some rubbing and a few strokes only to feel empty with tears in my eyes.” I could see him remembering back. I’d had stretches like that.

“But I did it over and over again. I tried to recreate the love and feeling inside me that Rob gave. It was unsatisfying in so many ways I never expected. Then it kind of went away. The last ten years, well: the want has just left me, D.”

I was floored. He was going to be 59 in a month. That meant he hadn’t had sex or made love; fuck; since he was 36 years old. I wondered what that must be like for him as we sat silent for a while driving up Virginia Beach.

“Derion, riddle me this. Why?” He asked out of the blue.

“Why? What?” I questioned.

“Why did I find Rob forty years ago? And why are we here now?” I wasn’t sure I understood as we drove with the top down.

“That’s not the question, Ryan. You did find each other forty years ago. That’s the answer. And for whatever reason, we are here now because this is where you wanted us to be. Do you always need an answer?” I finished.

Ryan pulled off to a scenic look-out and we sat staring at the Atlantic Ocean. “I love the smell of the sea and sound of the water.” And he paused.

“We’ll be in Annapolis soon. We can bypass DC and head back on the 95. You’re a lobster, D.”

And he looked at himself. “Ain’t, we a pair, raggedy man?” He finished. I laughed at his vernacular and reference to Mad Max.

“Whatever you want to do, Ryan,” I told him as I put my shirt back on.

We meandered inland and crossed the Chesapeake then got on the 95. He signaled when the sign for Woodbridge came into sight.

“There used to be a great Café here. Are you hungry, Derion?” And I nodded. Lunch was really only a snack.

He parked and we sat looking at the place. The years had not been kind to the wood structure; with what looked like the last of the paint peeling off.

“Hasn’t changed a bit,” Ryan said. We got out and walked in the front with a little bell ringing again as the door closed behind us.

The interior was rustic, to say the least. Years of traffic on the black and white tile had worn through; the planking of the real floor showing. Red and white checkered plastic covers were laid haphazardly over tables.

A woman; who looked old enough to be our mother said, “You can take your table, Hun,” Just glancing at us.

Ryan motioned to the corner and waited until I sat down before taking the seat across from me. “If you like cow, D, all I can say is, T-bone.”

I told him that sounded great and he questioned me on soup and salad dressing. When the lady came over with the menus Ryan ordered for both of us.

“We’ll have the T-bone, medium rare, Seafood chowder and blue cheese. Load the potatoes. And we’ll have a couple of waters. Thank you.” And she walked away.

We sat and talked about the drive today and he told me how he and Robby had done it the first year they came, and most years after. We ate our soup and salad; then she came out with two plates; the meat was hanging and dripping off the sides of what looked like 16” platters.

I had never seen a piece of meat so big and then she returned with potatoes the size of small footballs. I turned the plate around looking for the best angle; I’m kind of like that. As I reached for steak sauce Ryan shook his head, no.

“A cow was raised for this moment; gave its life, Derion. Before, you, rune it with that shit, taste it first. It’s the least you can do.” He recommended watching me.

I cut into the sweet spot; about an inch square. I smelled it; when I pulled it off the fork into my mouth I had an oral orgasm. My eyes closed as my senses took in what heaven must taste like.

I opened my eyes starting to chew and Ryan was looking at me with a dimpled smile. It was the first I’d seen. I was moaning as juice from the meat along with the mild spice exploded in my mouth, and his smile grew and I couldn’t help but smile back chewing.

From Your Author:

Derion, though he is an honorable man, his, is just a name and I say that not to lessen him but help you, the others, to understand. It could have been you, Riley. Could have been Geoffrey; maybe Johnny or Chip, maybe Eric. The thing is; You are vested and part of the end now. When it comes you will all have someone. I didn’t until now; someone to commiserate with. RJC.