Robby and Ryan

I made an announcement after everybody arrived that there would be no fighting, everybody was going to have a great time, our bedrooms were off-limits, and there would be no fucking in the hot tub. I looked at Parker and reiterated, “No fucking in the hot tub.”

He held up his hands and said, “WHAT?” And everybody laughed.

The weather was a little cold but the sky was clear; the bonfire was the spot that most people gathered. Trish had come; telling us that she was sure that it was just an oversight that she hadn’t been invited formally, and she stayed close to me.

I had slipped off to our room to change into cutoffs for the hot tub; Trish walked in as I was pulling them up. She had had a few and was on me like stink on shit.

I guess she had been pining away over me and thought now was her chance. This was really the last thing I wanted but she put her arms around my neck and started kissing me.

She slid her hands down inside my cutoffs and took my bare cheeks with her fingernails. She was telling me what she wanted to do to me and then pulled her hands out and pushed me back on the bed and climbed on top of me.

She was still on top of me and started grinding and kissing on me. I rolled us over so I was on top and held her hands to the side. Somehow I needed to stop this without making a scene; she wasn’t making it easy.

I got up off the bed and was a little embarrassed that she had made me noticeably grow; I hadn’t even had a chance to button them when she came in. She saw that and it just intensified her efforts. I was backed up against the wall, Trish had her hands blocking me and I had run out of shit to do.

Thank god for Cass; I’m not sure how she knew but she walked into my room. She got in Trish’s face, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” and made it clear that she was to keep her hands off me; then looked at me and winked.

I was fucking tongue-tied. When a whipped Trish walked out of my room she stopped and looked at the matching robes at the foot of our bed, both R’s facing up, then looked back at me.

Cass and I walked out with my arm around her waist and her hand in my back pocket. I thanked her and she kissed that spot on my neck as I got into the hot tub. She announced to anybody listening that it was, hands, fucking, off RJ, and looked at Trish. I just loved her.

I was sitting with Park, Mike, and a couple of others when Rob came out dressed for the tub; those cutoffs straining to hold his treasure. He sat down next to me and smiled; he leaned over and said he saw Trish follow me into our room and sicked Cass on her.

There were a few who asked how we had tans in December. I told them we had been going to a tanning place so we didn’t get burned when we went to Hawaii on Christmas day.

That got us some ribbing from most everybody; calling us spoiled brats. I told them all that I deserved to spoil my self. “Look at me, bitches.” And I moved my hands from my head and down. Then looked at Rob saying he deserved it too.

The party was a great success; everybody was on their best behavior. Mike slid over and asked, “So you and Cass?” I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders, neither confirming nor denying anything.

Trish was huddled up with Cindy and they kept looking over at us. It was bothering me and I didn’t want people to start talking.

I felt someone standing behind me and I leaned my head back and it gave me a perfect view up Sam’s shorts. Fuck me. His love handle was hanging long and thick down his right leg and I couldn’t help but stare.

He looked down at me smiling and asked if there was room for one more. I didn’t hear him; he was a fucking hunk in just those shorts. His big arms, that whole surfer thing he had going on, and it just got better the lower I looked.

I felt Mike slid away from me and I found my voice saying, “Sure,” as I made a little more room for him. I thought about what he would look like when he got out; all wet and his shorts sticking to him, Fuck.

I looked over at Rob and as clear as a fucking bell; I heard him in my head, “WHAT are you doing, Ryan?” I shrugged my shoulders and smiled; he smiled back and I think Mike noticed something between us.

I figured that dick had gone about as soft as he was going to get, considering, so I got up and grabbed a towel. I walked out to the fire and Rob followed soon after.

He was just about to say something when Drew walked up and put her arm around him. She was telling us about the party being so great and she would be leaving as soon as she could get Sam out of the hot tub.

Rob had a buzz, to say the least, and I told her this wasn’t the norm; Rob deserved to cut loose, he had been working hard at school and driving class.

Drew gave Rob a kiss on his cheek, winked at me, and then walked back up to the deck.

Rob put his arm around my neck and pulled my ear down to his mouth; “Has anyone asked?” He questioned. I moved my head back so I could see his eyes and tilted my head a little. “The hickey, dumb ass,” and he elbowed me in the side.

I reached up and felt my neck; I nodded and pulled the towel up and hung it around my neck.

I looked past him and saw Mike watching us from the hot tub and was extremely happy when a very drunk Cass came up and squeezed between us.

She gave us a sloppy drunk kiss and put a hand on both our asses. She told us that she had our backs as one of her girlfriends came up and put her arm around Rob.

Cass asked, “So Chancellor’s, what’s a girl got to do to get you guys to smoke some of the good shit?” batting her eyes and doing that lip thing. I smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek, took her hand as Rob took Carrie’s, and we walked back up to the deck.

I smiled at Mike as we all walked past and went into our room; hoping it would squash anything that might be said by Trish. We smoked some hash with them; I put my robe and sleep pants on and walked back out to the deck, looking like Heffner.

Cass knew what she was doing and so did Carrie. They were acting as our covers with us never asking. Cass was like her brother; sex was just that and she liked the drama of the whole boy, girl thing.

Carrie had been around a while and I knew they had a thing but being girls nobody seemed to notice and wouldn’t have said a word had they.

Sam was getting out of the tub and I just couldn’t help but look at him. I scanned the deck; making sure it wasn’t obvious and realized that most everybody was watching him, even Mike.

He was a fuckin sight to behold. I reached over and gave him a towel as he stood; dripping right in front of me. Fuck.

I thought it was time; so I walked to the laundry room where the freezer was and pulled out the tray of Jell-O shooters I had made for when things died down a little.

I walked back to the deck with the tray resting on my shoulder and holding it with my right hand. As I twirled it around and set it on the table, I yelled out “Shooters anybody?”

As people started gathering around I gave everyone a demonstration. I stuck my tongue out, you know the way and twisted it around the inside. I made eye contact with everyone then sucked it into my mouth, making a spectacle of it. Shooters were fun and always got a good laugh.

I had made sixty of them and there was enough for the twenty or so who were left. Drew and Sam came up to us and he rubbed his hand over Rob’s hair and said, “Great party little man,” and held his hand up to me for a high five.

Drew gave us both a kiss and told us to have a great trip. They headed out of the house and Rob turned and said, “I can’t stand him.”

I put my arm around him and ruffled his hair up and in my best surfer voice I said, “Gnarly party little dude.”

The party had dwindled down to about ten of us; Park, Cass and Carrie, Conner, Mike, Cindy, and Trish. Cass was trashed and my Robby wasn’t far behind.

We had kind of been cleaning most of the night and the place didn’t look bad considering that we had about seventy people show up.

Finally, it was just the two of us. Rob was feeling no pain as he climbed into the hot tub next to my naked ass. He looked at me and smiled then found my hand under the water.

“This was fucking awesome, Rye; we should do this, every year.” He sincerely told me. He saw the future and he saw it like this.

He rested his head on my shoulder rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. I rested my cheek on his head and thought that it really had been a great party. No fights, nobody puked, and the house wasn’t much worse for the wear.

Rob, even wasted, was in my head. He said, “I can’t stand him, but I wish I was built like that,” without lifting his head.

I told him his time would come; and yes, he was built, meaning Sam.

“I saw you looking at him Ryan,” he said.

I told him I heard him, but said everybody was looking at him. He told me Drew, called him her arm candy and snuggled his head further into my neck.

I picked his hand up and kissed it and asked, “Ready for bed, little dude?”

“I’ll show you, little dude,” he said as he floated over and rested himself on my lap.

He pulled my lips to his and kissed me in a way that told me he would like to continue this in bed. We got up; he went into the bathroom and I walked around the house. I locked the doors, picked things up, and dumped some stuff in the garbage.

I walked back into our room and Rob was in bed, sound asleep. I brushed my teeth and stood at the end of the bed looking at him. I don’t think he knew just how fucking hot he was. I knew in a few years; girls would walk right over Sam to get to him.

I crawled in behind him and adjusted myself so I rested in his naked crack, putting my arm over him pulling him into me. He mumbled a little and I just had to smile to myself.

I loved him so much and I truly was thankful that my soul mate wasn’t a hag. He giggled like he heard what I was thinking, but I knew he was asleep.

I woke up in the morning with him behind me; my favorite toy resting in my crack, and his arm over me. I felt him squeeze me and he croaked out “I feel like shit Ryan.”

I congratulated him on not puking and said he did really well; it looked like he had a good time.

“It was the best,” he said. His friends had told him, it was the best party they had ever been to and thanked him over and over for inviting them.

Pulling on me more he asked, “So, did Cass save you?”

I told him not before Trish threw me on the bed and tried getting in my pants.

He rolled me over and looked me in the eyes; “You’re fucking kidding me?”

I told him I wasn’t kidding; Cass really did save me and thanked him for sending her to my rescue.

He said, “That’s why she said, hands of RJ.” And I nodded.

I told him that Trish saw both our robes on the bed and Mike was watching us pretty close. I went on to say that I thought taking Cass and Carrie into the bedroom might have put his mind at ease.

He got serious and asked, “Do you think of other guys like that, Ryan? I mean, like Sam?”

I told him that I wasn’t blind; he was an attractive guy, but it wasn’t any different than looking at a hot girl. I kissed his forehead and told him that I didn’t want to be with anybody like I did with him.

He smiled and said, “I know that Ryan, you just needed to hear yourself say it.” How fucking smart is he?

He told me he really did feel like shit and implied maybe some hot chocolate might make him feel better, sad look and all.

I said, “OK little dude,” and crawled away before he could hit me.

The phone rang when I was getting our drinks but I let it ring. It stopped and then I heard Rob talking. I walked into the bedroom and heard him ask, “How did you get our number?”

I looked at him and he just shook his head. “He’s still asleep like I would be if the phone hadn’t rung. I will; bye.” He hung up the phone and said, “Trish”

I gave him his cocoa and sipped on my coffee.

He said, “Rye, I have something for you that I made in art class. Can I give it to you now?”

I told him it wasn’t Christmas yet but I was never one to stand on tradition. He got up and went into his room and came back with a poster-size scroll; rolled up with a ribbon around it, and handed it to me.

I unrolled it and laid it out on the bed. He had done a drawing of our willow tree and river in Fredericksburg; so detailed that it looked like a photo; all from memory.

He had drawn vines and ivy up the sides; framing what he had written in old looking calligraphy. I saw in the corner A+ and I started to read. Tears immediately started falling from my eyes.

Every moment we are together Ryan, I am learning something, and that knowledge becomes a permanent part of me. Though my feelings may be different a year fromnowor ten years from now, part of the difference is You.

Because of you, I am a different person, and the person I will grow to become, with or without you by my side, will have gotten there partly because of you.

If you were not in my life right now; I would not be who I am right now, nor would I be growing in exactly the same way. Much of what I grow towards, and change within myself, has to do with what I respond to in you, what I understand about myself through you, and what I learn about my feelings in the dynamics of our relationship.

I don’t worry about our ‘future together’ since we have already touched each other and affected each other’s lives on so many levels that we can never be totally removed from each other’s thoughts. A part of me will always be you, and a part of you,Rye,will always be in me. This much is certain, no matter what else happens. I love you more today than yesterday and not as much as I will tomorrow.

I just kept shaking my head back and forth; tears streaming down my face and falling on my sleeves. I looked at him and saw his tears and the biggest smile on his face.

I couldn’t even talk; I was so overcome with emotion and was in awe, how Robby could so eloquently put his feeling for me into words. The tears just wouldn’t stop. He pulled me close so he could put his forehead to mine.

He told me he started it when he went back to school after the funeral. It had taken him over a month to do. He said the words weren’t all his but spoke to everything he felt. He said the teacher cried when she read it and gave him an A+.

He said she didn’t ask who it was for but told him; it was one of the best things that any of her students had ever done.

I just couldn’t stop crying. He pulled back a little and started kissing my tears and said, “Please, Rye.”

I shook my head again and told him it was OK; he had just caught me off guard, they were happy tears. I could feel my heart growing again and he could too.

He told me that by the time we died this time; my heart would be bigger than it was before I gave it to him, and the tears that had subsided, started to flow again.

Now it was me who felt unworthy. His love for me was almost more than I could bear and he knew that I felt the same for him.

I was tongue-tied again. I was at a loss for words to tell him what this meant to me, so I just pulled him back and rested his head against mine and let him feel it for himself.

He pulled away; his smile never faded, he told me that I was the most important thing in his life and that I was to never, ever, forget it.

I rolled it back up and told him I was going to have it framed; I would hang it in our room so I could see it every morning when I woke up, adding, it would be the next best thing to seeing him.

I pulled him close again. I told him that things like this were worth more to me than anything money could buy. It made him so happy that I loved it and it showed on his face.

I dried my face and eyes; I told him that my life would be so empty if he wasn’t in it. And if he couldn’t tell “I like you a little too.”

We showered, dressed, and went to Denny’s to eat because it was the only thing open. We went by Deb’s so he could drop off the presents he had bought for everybody.

This was the first year he had money to buy things that he wanted, not just what he could afford. Deb did to Rob what he did to me. She had taken Walt’s wedding ring; the ring was Rob’s fathers, and she had it resized for him.

He was as moved as I and Deb said it should be his. It fit perfectly on his ring finger. He came over and showed me; I held up my hand showing him mine and in our minds, we knew that they were far more than just gold and diamonds.

He happily showed Deb his progress report and he had straight A’s. She looked at me and smiled. She knew that a lot of it had to do with me.

There was a knock at the door and Rob bounced down the stairs to answer it. I heard “Little dude” I broke up laughing. I almost had tears when Rob came back up the stairs.

He looked at me and smiled as hot fucking Sam came up behind him. Sam looked at me and said, “Dude; that was an awesome party last night, I was telling a friend about it and he said he knows you.” He told me the guys’ name, but it didn’t ring a bell.

Deb, hearing what he said became interested in the party. Drew stepped up and said it wasn’t like a party, it was just a few people, and gave Sam a look.

I confirmed what she said, saying, it was just a few friends; I wanted to do something considering we were going to be gone. Rob came out of the kitchen and I asked, “Ready to go little man?” making just a little fun of the way Sam talked.

We gathered up the presents and walked out to the car. When we got in Robby said, “if you call me little dude again you’re gonna get it.”

I told him I thought it fit him and when I heard Sam say it when he came in I thought I was going to pee my pants.

I knew my Mom was at her boyfriends’ house so we went by there before we went home. Rob had never met Clint and they seemed to hit it off.

We pulled in the driveway about 11 and decided to soak and smoke a little. I told him we would have to find smoke over there because I didn’t want to carry anything on the plane.

He asked if I was going to try and get us upgraded to first class and I told him, “I just paid for it,” not wanting to risk being stuck in coach. He asked if I thought my charm was wearing off. I said, “Hell no, but do you want to risk it?”

He floated over and straddled himself over me. He looked at me for the longest time. He told me he wished he could see himself as I did; saying that when he saw himself through my eyes, it was so much different than when he looked at himself in the mirror.

I told him that I knew exactly what he was talking about; I had thought the same thing.

I asked, “So little dude, are you ready for bed?”

He smiled and said, “You’re never going to let that go, are you?”

I pulled him down for a tender kiss; my hands roaming all over his soft body. There were times when I just couldn’t get enough of him; my mind still not able to comprehend what we had and how we felt about each other.

I knew he was feeling the same way; he sucked his way around to my neck and recreated the hickey so it could be proudly displayed when we were on the beach.

He came back to my lips and with more passion he kissed me. I could feel him in my head; I followed him back to Fredericksburg and could feel the sun shining on us as we lay on the bank of the river.

He loved it so much there; the place where we connected for the first time, each time we did this it was like it would happen again.

Like a rock being thrown in the water, we were back in the hot tub. He stood up and reached for my hand telling me that he passed out last night; we had unfinished business.

We dried off and brushed our teeth and he crawled onto me and I pulled the covers over us. He came down on me again and started rubbing across me.

He slowly worked his way down; lower and lower until he was in the perfect position to take me in his mouth. He didn’t spend much time bathing me in spit, then came back up and kissed me hard. He pulled back and whispered, “Show me, Rye”

I knew what he wanted; he put his hands on my shoulders and I guided myself to his hole that had been craving for me to make long, slow, love to him.

His insides were on fire and he worked me so sensually. We were back on the bank next to the river; feeling what the other did. We moved in unison; pleasuring ourselves with the passion and tenderness of true lovers.

He rolled us over so we could look at each other; seeing ourselves through the eyes of the other. He wanted long loving strokes; our bodies melting like clay being molded together as we shared the words he had written for me.

He could feel my pending orgasm. He took my cheeks in his hands and slowed me down. He slowly shook his head and breathlessly said, “Not yet, Rye.”

He was so intense. He had wrapped his legs around me then pulled me down to his lips and kissed me. It was like we had so many times but was different. He was taking me to a place he never had before.

He was showing me how we were; how it was long before this life, our love so strong, even stronger than what we had in this one. My eyes filled with tears again; his hands running through my hair and down my back like he couldn’t get enough of me, the way my body felt on his.

I could feel him inside me; I knew that what was building in me couldn’t be held back. I was one stroke away; he pulled me in as far as he could with his legs and just held me there. He pulled my head down and our lips came together.

His hole was convulsing around me, his hands becoming tangled in my hair.

He started to moan in my mouth; I could hear him plain as day in my head. “Show me Rye, show me now.”

I held it as long as I could. Like pulling the trigger of a gun; I came on his command with such force from the anticipation of my climax I thought I was going to pass out. I felt my stomach being coated with his lava hot load as we erupted at the same time.

I couldn’t hold myself and my body fell on him, our cheeks resting on each other, as our tears of love and the fucking mind blowing orgasms mixed together.

Our thoughts; like unspoken words swimming in our heads and hearts making us smile even though we still had tears in our eyes. “Merry Christmas, Robby”

He squeezed me in his arms and said, “I tried to show you Ryan; it has always been like this, I know you’re starting to remember.”

I nodded with my head on his shoulder and trying to clear the cobwebs from my mind, wanting to remember the way he did.

He told me that every time we made love; like we had just done, more and more came back. I slid to his side and rested my head on his chest and slipped into the most peaceful sleep; his heartbeat matching mine.

From the Author:

You continue to read my friends. Rob and I had the best time in Hawaii that Christmas and it turned into a yearly thing. I say it a lot but, I really want you to know how much I appreciate your comments and rating.

Many of you have emailed me praising what I have written and shared with you. Some were surprised when I responded. I have said I am not a writer but there are those who have argued the opposite.

I feel like I am the storyteller. All I am doing is recounting the lives of Robby and Ryan. I picture us all at ‘The Willows’ having a large party in the grass. I see your faces though I have never seen you.

I am sitting on the deck with Robby beside me watching and smiling as I tell all of you about our life. I can picture that. Can you?

Robby and Ryan: 1992 Reflections.

From the Author:

You will now read another chapter that was never written the first time around. This was a very important time in our lives that never should have been left out.

This is a long one my friends; ‘20,000 words’ of fifty filled with reflections and shit many may not want to read. You might get to a point and just say, “fuck it” and turn to something else. I will understand my anonymous friends. But something tells me that won’t happen.

This is my attempt to help you, the reader, understand the dynamics of our relationship. ‘Reflections’ is my way to bring a half a million words into a context that a reader might understand if reading about us for the first time.

We will jump around from today, April 1st 1992, into the past as well as the future. I will do my best to delineate between then, and now, with dates and change in font.

Each flashback will be a short story or just a reference to previous chapters to jog your memory. Like I said, I had left this chapter out and the reflections part has been added for both new and old reader’s enjoyment. If you feel you know Robby and me, you will read and appreciate everything I have included.

Robby and I had not seen each other in six months and had not shared ourselves in nine; my thirty-first birthday. Tonight was an anniversary for us; Fifteen years is a long time.

Robby, and I, are very complex people, but I was a dad now and that made me different. It changed everything. While he was able to think of himself with no worries, I was not.

From the Author:

When I was seventeen years old I inherited ‘The Willows, a family estate,’ along with a safe deposit box full of stocks left to me by my Grandfather. I was mature for my age at the time and lived a life of someone several years older.

At seventeen I was 5’10” tall. I weighed about 150 lbs. and had light brown eyes accompanied with brown hair and auburn high lights. I am Ryan J. Chancellor.

Robby and Ryan:

Year fifteen; Reflections

I sat in my office at RJ’s, the evening of April 1st, 1992. Sid stood at my door. “Boss, he’s here,” he announced.

I knew he was here though; had been able to feel him for the last fifteen minutes. My face rested in my hands; I had thought about it all day; along with all the April 1st’s that had come and gone over the years.

I stood, smiled, and thanked Sid. I checked myself in the mirror, fixed my tie, put my jacket on, and walked out to greet Robby; hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.

I stood looking at him from behind as he was admiring what I’d created. He perused the pictures hanging on the walls of me with my most famous clientele, along with friends and family that attended the month long grand opening of, ‘RJ’s Lake House.’

He paused in front of the largest one for a minute and I felt it; his sadness and regret. The only person missing was him. We all stood in a huge V. I was in front, my mom and Clint, my wife and boys behind and to my left; Lady at my feet.

Chuck and Kathy stood to my right with Park and his wife, along with Cass and her second husband. Sugar, Chad and Conner, and a few others filling the second row; in the back stood Sylvia and Sid. I had no idea how long it had been for Rob since he had seen her but I knew if he wasn’t at my side it would’ve been next to her.

Rob and Sylvia:

1977

The first time Rob met Sylvia Browne we had just returned from our first trip to ‘The Willows’ in 77 and were having dinner at The Gentleman. We sat down and I told Harold I wanted to talk to him about expanding and adding another dining room. He gave me a puzzled look and walked off. We were looking at our menus when I saw Harold walking in with Miss Browne.

Sylvia Browne was a woman who I had met and she remained a friend until she passed away in 2010 to start her new journey. She had what I will call ‘a second sight.’

During her life she wrote many books; ‘Some including Rob and me.’ She was a regular on shows like Montel and Larry King. Sylvia loved people; all people, and understood that love was love. ‘We love with our heart.’ And she could see colors. She is worth a Google search.

Sylvia saw us, shielded her eyes with the back of her hand as she broke away from Harold and headed straight over to our table. I stood immediately with Rob following my lead.

She took my hand and just gushed, “Look at you two. If the power goes out, you will light up the city.” It would be a compliment to anyone listening but a whole different meaning for Rob and me.

Rob looked at her bewildered. When I went to introduce him she took his hand and said, “Sir Robert, I've been looking forward to meeting you.” never letting go of his hand and sharing one of those looks with me.

Robby stood there; studying her, he seemed to be at a loss for words. I asked if she’d join us and she agreed; thanking Harold as he pointed, saying her table was in the corner when she was ready.

Sylvia sat next to Rob, keeping his hand in hers. I called the waitress over and told her, “Miss Browne will have a double Vodka Martini, straight up with a twist.” Something I had seen on her bill many times.

She smiled at me and told both of us, “I have never seen such bright beautiful colors radiating from anyone like this before, boys.”

She looked at me smiling and asked, “Still think I'm ‘bat-shit crazy,’ Mr. Chancellor?” I smiled as I lowered my head and shook it no. She glanced at Rob and said, “Yes honey, I can see them too. Now tell me everything.”

Rob; still looking bewildered said, “I feel like I know you. I think I’ve seen you in my dreams.”

She mused, “That’s sweet you would dream of this old lady, honey. You would have found each other on your own Robert, you always have.”

Something about her calling him Robert was familiar; she looked at me and smiled. Rob looked at me and then her and said, “My mother used to call me, Robert.”

Sylvia nodded. “Yes, she did child, and so did others.”

Rob confessed, “I'm confused.”

Sylvia replied. “When the time is right, everything will become clear.” as her drink arrived.

She took a sip and said again “Tell me everything. Did you find your clues?”

Rob answered quickly “Yes we did, and we left one for next time, too.” He seemed like his response surprised him.

“You always have,” she reminded him with a smile.

She turned to me and said, “You know, Ryan; your grandfather was an old soul too,” adding he was on a new journey now. Her comments were cryptic and she really didn't confirm nor deny anything.

She stood as Rob and I did the same. She said, “You boys have things to do and people to see, so I will take my leave.”

Rob took her hand and begged, “Please stay, I have so many questions.”

Back to tonight:

I still loved him so… much it hurt; but, how could I not? Some things just never change. And when he turned and saw me those familiar colors around him that I missed so much exploded just like every time he looked at me. And that wonderful smile appeared on his face.

We just stood looking at each other. I know he saw the same thing I did. I can’t describe what that feels like; how it makes me feel, nor can I explain what it looks like. Maybe heaven; I really don’t know.

Robby had seen them in me from the first time he saw me. He had dreamt of me from the time he was a child; I was the boy in his dreams with the colors; the one that protected and comforted him. That boy had grown into me.

For those who don’t see colors around people it is hard to explain. I don’t claim to be something extraordinary; wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea, but many people can see them. Rob and I only saw them in each other and never anyone else.

For those who don’t have that luxury I can only try to give you examples. Everybody knows someone that is draining; you know the one; the one that sucks the life right out of you. Or the ones that make your skin crawl. Those people are the dark ones, the sad ones who only want your energy; you just can’t see their colors. Trust your instincts. Don’t blame them. They don’t understand what they are.

The other side of the coin; are those that give willingly and freely. You feel good around them, happy, enjoy their company, and leave them feeling refreshed. These are the ones with bright colors.

They are the ones you should surround yourself with; strong, energetic, full of life, people. Remember though, these soles are strong but not bottomless. No one can be just a giver totally; they need return for their investment in you. Give back my friends; you are stronger than you know. ************************************

It was only natural to hold out my arms and he couldn’t help but fall into them. What else could we do? The embrace lasted embarrassingly long; neither of us wanting to be the first to let go; the familiar feeling of being complete; whole again, washed over both of us. And I heard Sid clear his throat behind me.

I knew Rob couldn’t go without seeing me today. And the way he looked I was getting his best tonight. I think he saw the relief in my eyes and felt it in my heart.

“God, you smell good, Ryan,” he announced upon releasing me; his hands smoothing my jacket and brushing down my shoulders like he always did. His hands slid to my arms and squeezed softly as he looked in my eyes.

“You think I smell good; you should taste me.” That was always my reply and I started to drown in his pools of blue.

My hands moved slowly down his chest; pausing to feel his heartbeat then headed for his waist out of sheer habit and Sid cleared his throat again. And Rob squeezed my arms hard and let go.

I had a table that was mine; one that overlooked the dining room with the best view of the lake. This was where I could schmoose those who spent a ton of money, maybe a politician or two, or where I could just sip my scotch and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I motioned with my head for him to follow.

Robby looked so good; spot fuckin on and seemed to still be clean. His eyes were so clear and bright. I didn’t know where he was getting his clothes but Josh himself couldn’t have dressed him any better.

One of the ways Rob took after me; we both had an eye for men’s fashion. My goal was to always be the best-dressed man in the room and my goal was met most nights.

I smiled as he slid into the booth and I gazed upon the first necklace I ever bought him; the black onyx with gold initials; the safe deposit box key still attached.

I knew he wore it for me tonight. I thought of the day in DC when I reached out and held it in my hand for the first time with his smiling face and golden chest in the background; I so wanted to do that again tonight.

It had been six months since I had put him through rehab for the third time; it seemed to be working and he looked healthy. We sat kind of across from each other as we had so many times in so many different places. But this was his first time here.

This scene had played out at every nice restaurant in Seattle, the whole east and west coast, LA, DC, Hawaii, and San Fran. OK; you get the idea. We traveled a little. Sometimes just to eat; sometimes for a concert or one of Sugars’ games. But to describe the flood of memories; the way it felt this time, is hard my friends.

I could sense the heat; the prickle of my skin and the feel of having Robby close again. It was always the same for both of us. We sat quietly for a minute as I just looked out over what I’d created, and the patrons who’d made the decision to spend tonight with RJ. And then I looked back at him.

His question didn’t surprise me. “Rye, do you know what today is?” he asked; the first real words of the night. I loved it when he called me that and he knew it. It caused me to think of the first time.

He smiled as I tried to fake it and look confused. “Its April fool’s day, dork,” I replied. But I couldn’t help thinking about all the April, 1st’s we spent in our first-class seats on our way back to ‘The Willows.’ Back to our home in the east, where love blossomed and grew; where our lives changed forever.

Sid came over and stood in front of our table. I won’t say Sid didn’t like Rob but you could feel the tension. “We’ll both have prime-rare, one bone, and a tail. Blue cheese on our salads and load the potatoes. And surprise us with the appetizer.”

I looked at Rob and he shook his head no, “And you know what I drink. Thank you, Sid. Sid, don’t tell Char who it’s for. I want to eat what everybody else is.”

I decided when I opened this new restaurant we would have all waiters. Ladies, and honestly, most men, love a good looking man in tight pants with impeccable manners, and that is what RJ’s was all about. Impeccable, fuckin, manners!

We dripped class! From the moment the valet took your keys, you knew. RJ’s Lake House offered the finest food, the best wine, greatest view; just the best of everything. Ok and the highest prices. We were top shelf all the way; we even had a cigar bar. But who really cares when you’re getting the best and can brag the next day about getting a table in my restaurant.

I handpicked every handsome man that my name stood behind. I trained and dressed each of the front house staff myself. Most of my waiters worked as a team or trio when it came time to present at the table of four or more.

I never wanted a guest to wait; regardless of the number of people; everyone’s food came at the same time. Sometimes even Char and I served.

We sat for so long having one of those silent conversations. Sid brought my drink and set it in front of me; Robby pushed it away and gave Sid a look shaking his head ‘no.’

I could tell Sid was fucking seething and he just glared at Rob. He glanced at me and I gave a small nod saying, “Give it to the Governor.” Sid glared back at Rob then picked up the drink and walked away.

“He hates me, Ryan.”

“He doesn’t hate you, Rob, he just likes me more,” I reassured him, but he knew I was lying.

When our soup arrived Robby finally broke the silence. “You didn’t answer me. Do you know what today is, Rye?” he asked again stirring his chowder looking at me with that tilted head.

I didn’t need to answer. I knew damn good, and well, what today was, and he knew it. I needed to be strong though, needed to hold my own but, I could already tell that just wasn’t going to happen tonight.

I changed the subject and chose to talk about him and what he thought of our new restaurant, how treatment went, how his sugars were, and if he was doing aftercare.

“Thank you, Ryan.”

I had bought this new piece of property; paid by the square fuckin foot and built something I was proud to put our initials on. It cost me over a million and a half just for the land. Twenty, in today’s standards; but it was all me.

“Stop fucking around Ryan,” he said; annoyed that I didn’t respond.

“What do you want me to say, Jr.?” I finally asked as Sid brought our salads and removed our soup bowls.

“Come on Ryan.” He asked like I didn’t know. I could feel his frustration that I wasn’t playing the game.

“We have never been together longer than we haven’t, Rye.” He announced. And I understood what he meant.

Rob and I had sometimes found each other when we were younger and didn’t live long. Other times it was later in life; not like this time, and we died young; our love and connection never really coming to full fruition.

We had never grown old together like we were so sure we would this time. Half our life; even though we were at the start of our thirties, it was a big deal to him. And honestly, it was for me too.

“Have we really, Jr.? Have we really been together, longer?” I questioned. I, couldn’t fuckin, help it.

We hadn’t been together for almost a decade but Robby didn’t see it that way and my remark made him sad. And I stopped short of apologizing.

He didn’t respond to me and asked, “Have you been back home? Have you talked to Bruno? I know you went somewhere a lot, Ryan.”

“REALLY? You, fuckin, know what I’ve been doing; you, ass,” I said raising my voice. “This shit has almost killed me. You can’t even imagine what I have heard and seen. Is that why you’re here tonight Rob: to talk about ‘Willows’ and Bruno?” I asked, questioning his motives. I looked out at the heads that had turned to me and tried to smile and say I’m sorry for my outburst.

I had not seen or talked to Rob since I walked away after admitting him to treatment six fuckin months ago, and he knew then I hadn’t been back to ‘The Willows’ since 88.

That’s when I flew his beaten ass back home to get him clean and well, but he was trying to make polite conversation ignoring the pain I had suffered.

1988

My wife never knew about our home to the east; all she knew was I had a business venture in Virginia. At Chuck’s recommendation, the three safe deposit boxes were not anything I ever shared with her either, but she had anything and everything she ever wanted. Trust me.

When the hospital called me that awful night in 88, she got nothing more than a phone call from me telling her that something had come up; I needed to fly back east for a few days. I didn’t return home for ten days and only called her once.

Rob got the shit beaten out of him trying to buy drugs in the bowels of Seattle. He really got the shit beaten out of him. The call from the hospital made my heart stop.

My beautiful boy's face was swollen and bruised, stitches above his eye, and his weak ribs had been broken again. I honestly wondered how much more we could take. He could have held his own with one, maybe two, but four will kick your ass every time.

I called Bruno from Sea-Tac in the middle of the night giving him little time to ready our home and pick us up. Everything; and I mean everything, came second to Robby. And I had to come up with another excuse why I had that shock of white in my bangs again.

Back to tonight:

“I miss you so much, Rye. I think about you every day. I’m sorry.” He admitted.

“How could you not?” I questioned; surprised at my quick response. But that drew a smile from him like I knew it would.

Our dinner arrived and we made small talk while enjoying what Char, my top chief, had created for us. It was the same meal we enjoyed at the Gentleman fifteen years ago, today. That was the day I started educating his pallet.

We talked about my boys over dinner. I said how much they missed him and he should make a point of dropping by to see them. He was their Uncle Robby, after all. And it would make them happy to see him looking so good.

“How is she?” he asked.

“She has a fuckin name, Rob, you know.” I spat at him; now with attitude. He did this, every time. He refused to use her name like she was a fucking rash or something.

Robin always liked Rob and he was nice to her when he was back to sleep in the trailer and get himself on his feet again.

1986

I married Robin in May of 86 and Rob was clean enough at the time to be my best man. He had left me in late 84; we were trying to move on and he was hurt when I hadn’t asked him so I offered and he accepted. We looked so… fuckin good; both of us wore blue-gray tuxes with black ruffles and mine had tails.

We have all been at weddings when the Pastor, or whoever says “does anyone have a reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony; speak now or forever hold your peace.” And no one ever does. Not at my wedding.

I turned at the gasps and saw three people standing. Sylvia, My Mother, and Mike were all standing. I turned Robin slightly and stared at them; one by one they sat back down.

Each of them knew that the man who was standing by my side should have been the one receiving my vows instead of the woman standing before me.

After the wedding and his toast to us he disappeared and other than the call on my twenty-sixth birthday I didn’t see him again until Christmas Eve. He came unexpectedly and when I answered the door my heart dropped knowing it was him. He was the only person that had the gate code. I wanted to die.

Our son was due the end of January; I hadn’t had the chance to tell Rob and the look on his face when he saw Robin was enough to break my heart. And then he looked at me. I hadn’t seen hurt like that in his eyes for years, and the fact that I caused it made it worse.

I felt his tears as he wished us a Merry Christmas and made an attempt to excuse why he had to leave then he turned and walked out the door. I followed him out until he stopped. I didn’t even try and defend myself when his fist hit my face and he sobbed openly.

My arms rested at my side as he stared at me then wound up and hit me again as tears run down both our faces. He didn’t hold back on the second blow and almost knocked me down but I stood tall again in front of him waiting for the third, feeling I deserved it. I don’t like getting hit!

“How could you do that, Ryan?” He sobbed with so much pain in his voice.

“How could you make a baby with HER?” He hit me in the chest with both fists out of frustration and knocked the wind right out of me then wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my neck. I was expecting a knee to the nuts that never came.

He just shook his head back and forth then let go, turned, and walked away without looking back. That was the only time a hand was ever raised to me without me reacting. And was the only time Rob hit me. I didn’t respond to Robin when she asked about my face and she never brought it up again.

Back to today.

“OK, Ryan. How is Robin?” he asked, now with genuine concern feeling my pain.

I softened, “She’s still working and the treatments seem to be slowing things down a little but she is in a lot of pain,” I told him as I stared at what was left of my dinner.

It sucked; really sucked, to be the husband of a sick wife that would never get better and only get worse. Robin had developed MS some years ago; it was very aggressive and painful.

“And Mom?” he asked. They had developed a strong relationship from the very start that only grew after the accident. She always wanted to know how her other son was; the true partner of her only son.

It pained me that mom never warmed to Robin; I guess a mother knows what is right for her boy. She was one of the three standing. She had watched us for years; had come to realize we were physically connected. She knew I would die for him and it pained her that he wasted that.

“Mom had a stroke a few months ago but it seems that the only residual are seizers. Clint takes great care of her.” I confided.

Mom was seventy-two now. She’d not been good to herself. I wished I hadn’t grown up so fast and been able to enjoy a childhood with young parents.

Sid came to the table. “Boss, Governor Mike, and his guests are halfway through dinner and they’re others expecting to see you,” he announced; giving Rob a glare like it was his fault I was ignoring my obligations. I gave Sid my pissed off look and he started to apologize.

I realized and stopped him. “I’m sorry. It’s OK Sid. I will make a round. Thanks for keeping me on my toes, buddy.” I smiled and touched his arm just to put him at ease.

Rob looked at me. “Go do your thing, Dr. Chancellor. I’m not going anywhere tonight,” he assured me with a smiled and wink; knowing I really was working; this was my life now. And I smiled back at him for calling me, Dr. Chancellor.

Dr. Chancellor.

When we went to Virginia the first time I made a reservation as Dr. Chancellor, then again on his sixteenth birthday. He got a real kick out of it.

September 14th, 1977.

He said, “I don’t know why I sleep so well here?” He corrected himself and said, “Well, yes I do.” as he squeezed me in his arms. He asked what we were doing today and if we could stay in bed until we went to dinner. I told him nothing would make me happier, but I had the day planned.

I told him we were going to spend the day at, Pike Place Market, and just bum around Seattle. He needed to dress well because the restaurant was really nice, nicer than the Gentleman. And he needed to bring a coat because I had something planned for after dinner.

We got out of bed a little while later and got all cleaned up and dressed. I told him we would take the Shelby because I wanted to stop at a sports car dealership to look at a TR that had been advertised.

I had only driven it a few times, it was my dads, and I thought I might want to trade it in. Dad never drove it because he died before the car was delivered. We stopped at a small café for a light breakfast then headed towards Seattle.

When we pulled into the dealership I saw the car immediately. It was just like my grandpa's, except it was forest green. Rob hopped out of my car, walked over, and sat in the driver’s seat as the salesman walked up.

I told him I wanted to trade in my mustang on the TR. The low number he offered for my car told me he was trying to hose me. It was a blessing, really. It still sits in the garage like money in the bank. And today I own one of 402 that were built that year.

I told him if he didn’t want to deal, I was sure there was another lot that would, and we got back in the Mustang. He gave me one of his cards, saying if I changed my mind, I could call him.

He didn’t think it was funny when I wrote my name and number on his card and handed it back. I told him if he pulled his head out of his ass and wanted to make a sale, he, could call me.

I started thestangand lit up the tires as I pulled out. Rob looked at me; “I can’t believe you fucking did that, Ryan.” The smile on my face said it all; “I know Ryan, Fuck'em if he can’t take a joke, right.” I smiled and winked.

We spent the rest of the day bumming around the market and the city, buying a few things along the way. I loved downtown and seeing how much Robby enjoyed everything made me swell with happiness.

We did it all; street vendors, little specialty shops, and the 1st. Ave. adult shops. Rob had lived here his whole life and had never experienced downtown.

It was going on five when we got back to the car leaving us just enough time to get to Palisades. We pulled up and I threw my keys to the valet as we strutted inside; everybody was there except Park and his date. Trish came up and gave me a kiss, thanking me for letting her.

I had told Josh that it was a mixed group tonight; I wanted him to dial it back a bit. He knew what I meant. I asked Mike to check the reservation as I walked over to lookinthe bar. It had a half wall that was open to the restaurant so the bar could enjoy the view of the marina and water too.

I saw a nice piano sitting by the wall. I walked over and hit a few keys; looking at the bartender for approval. He shrugged his shoulders and gave me a nod.

I could see everyone looking at me; Mike started shaking his head as I sat down. Well, it worked once; let’s see how receptive this place is. I made eye contact with Rob; he gave me that smile and a wink.

I cracked my knuckles and started out slow to get everyone’s attention. Then I picked up speed once I saw people looking for where the sound was coming from. When I got to the part everybody says hay; my group yelled it out and that just spurred me on. I said to anybody listening, “Let’s do that again.” I started over and this time everybody joined in. Rob was grinning ear to ear and he nodded at me.

I cracked my knuckles again and let it fly. The whole restaurant was looking at me and I have to admit, I fuckin love this shit. I finished, did my trademark blowing on my fingers, and stood up to a standing ovation. I bowed and went down the two steps, rejoining my friends like I had not just made a spectacle of us all.

Park had arrived with a drop-dead gorges chick on his arm as I was playing; he started shaking his head too. He said he could hear it from outside and knew it was me.

The host called out that the table was ready for the Dr. Chancellor party. Trish came over, hooking her arm in mine, and I gave Rob a hand on the back; signaling him to take the lead. There was a balloon tied to one chair and I told him that was his seat.

I pulled a chair out for Trish on the other side of the table; she walked by taking the seat next to Rob. I was a little proud of him; he stood and pulled the chair out for her. Good boy.

I took the seat on the other side of Rob even though Trish wanted me to sit next to her. I got smiles and nods from the patrons around us and once we were all seated everybody started going on about my showing off.

I made introductions including Josh and Randy who were not known to Mike, Cindy, and Trish. It was a little embarrassing to me how Trish was going on just gushing about my playing and then she said, “Really, Hollywood? Dr. Chancellor.”

Rob looked at me smiling then turned to Mike and asked, “So what’s with the Hollywood thing?”

Mike looked at Trish and smiled, letting her start the story. She stood and came up behind me putting her hands on my shoulders. I cringed.

She looked down at Rob and started, “It was all, Mike’s, fault. We were at a party and I had never met Ryan; I was a little buzzed.”

Mike interjected, “You were fucking wasted, Trish.”

She laughed and admitted, “Ok Mike, I had a buzz. Well, Robby, I asked Mike who Ryan was. He told me he was, John Stamos, off General Hospital. In the state I was in, I believed him.”

She paused for a breath and continued, “Mike, told me to keep it quiet because he didn’t want to be recognized.”

Mike jumped in saying “She fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.”

Trish went on and said, “Well, he does kind of look like him if his hair was darker.”

Again, Mike chimed in saying; “She didn’t leave his side the whole night.”

Trish told everyone she had liked me ever since, adding I was her knight in shining armor.

Mike explained he had called me Hollywood ever sense and the name fit me, saying I was a fucking show-off. Trish crossed her arms around my chest from behind and hugged me.

Cindy, not wanting to let it go said, “So Ryan, about the other weekend. Are you ready to tell us who she is? And it better not be Jena.”

Park said, “Oh my god, not her again, Chance.”

I reminded her, “No, it’s not Jena. I told you that.”

Parker asked, “So what happened two weeks ago?” Four people started talking all at the same time; trying to give their take on the happenings of two weeks ago.

The girls were talking about the song and the guys were talking about the fight.

Parker held up his hand and said, “One at a time, people.”

Cindy just kept talking, choosing to be first. “Oh… Parker, you should have heard him. He did ‘Time in a Bottle’, and oh… my god, he sounded like; well anyway, Trish went up and hugged him.”

Trish started talking, “I couldn’t help myself; I just went up and hugged him. I told him that was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.”

I spoke up and said, “I was just in a mood, ok.”

Trish picked up adding that; “I knew my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend, would get pissed, but I didn’t expect him to slap me.”

Mike stepped in and said, “I didn’t see it, but the next thing I know; Hollywood kind of pushed me out of the way.”

I said, “If I would have pushed you, dude, you would have been on your ass!”

Mike continued, “Well anyway, he walks up to Jack and grabbed his arm spinning him around, then hit him right in the face.”

I said, “In my defense, I don’t remember hitting him first.”

Rob told him, “I saw what was going on. Not even knowing what I was going to do, I got if front of Ryan. As he pushed me out of the way, Jack, hit him.”

Parker held up his hands and said, “No, No, no; wait a minute,” as he looked at me. “Someone got close enough to hit you?” The look on his face was one of dumb-founded-ness.

I lifted my hair up and showed him my head. I told him that he fucking near knocked me out and laid me on my ass.

Parker moaned, “I would have paid money to see that.” I flipped him the bird. “So, Chancellor, got his ass kicked, and I missed it. Shit.”

Mike said, “That wasn’t the end of it, Parker. My man here; shook it off. I could see the blood in his hair as he walked back up to Jack. It looked like he was going to hit him, but he kneedhimsquare in the fucking nuts.

When Jack doubled over he drove the other knee into his face and knocked out one of his front teeth.” (I didn’t know that part)

“Way to go,RJ.” Parker complemented now smiling.

Mike continued, “That’s only half of it. He bitched slapped the shit out of him then rolled him over and pulled his arms back; there was nothing Jack could do.”

Parker looked at me; I smiled and nodded at him.

Cindy started and said, “Then Mike thought he could get Ryan off him. I don’t know how he hit Mike.”

Mike pointed to the faded bump between his eyes. “Ryan got down and was saying something in Jack’s ear and then he dislocated his fucking arm.”

Parker smiled and told everybody; he showed me that move and the only way to get out of it is to dislocate your arm. Nobody’s going to do that.

Mike jumped in and said, “I think Robby here saved Jack’s life.” He looked at Rob and asked, “What did you say to him anyway, Robby?” Not letting him answer, he said, “So, Robby, just goes up to Hollywood and said something to him.

It was like turning off a light; Hollywood dropped Jack and let him go.”

Rob got a gloating smiled and said, “I knew he wouldn’t hit me” as he continued to smile and looked over at me.

Cindy looked at me but said to everybody, “He was so tender and vulnerable when he was singing and two minutes later he was a crazy man.”

Josh and Randy asked, “Was that after we saw you guys?”

Rob told them it was the night after that. Trish got up and came back over and put her arm around me kissing the side of my head and said, “That’s why he’s my knight in shining armor.” I gave Rob a sidewaysglairas she sat back down.

I held my hands up and said, “I was just in a mood that night. Ok? I wouldn’t have killed him.”

Rob looked at me, “You wouldn’t have stopped, Ryan.” He said only to me. “I knew I had to do something.”

Trish looked at Rob and said to all, “Then Robby called me a stupid bitch!”

I felt him swell, he got an attitude immediately, and announced, “You tried to fucking hit him, what did you expect? He had just kicked your pussy, boyfriends’, ass, and had to go to the fucking hospital, all because you had to go up and hang on him.”

I kicked his foot under the table as Trish tried to defend her actions. I held up my hand and called the waiter over. We ordered appetizers, drinks, and I told him we would order dinner when they came.

I changed the subject and asked if we were going to have a good time and looked at Cindy and asked, “Did you bringem?”

“Bring what?” I heard from Rob.

I looked at him and said, “The Tampons, stupid.” And everybody broke up.

He blinked a few times and said, “I don’t get it.”

I said, “It’s the best way to get smoke into a concert without getting it confiscated.”

He said, “I still don’t get it.”

I told him, “After dinner, we’re all going to the Car’s concert at the Coliseum. No cop is going to dig in a girls’ purse when he sees a box of tampons on top.”

“So we’re all going to the Cars concert after dinner?” he asked still dumbfounded.

I said, “Surprise, Rob.” I felt him squeeze my leg under the table.

Our appetizers arrived; we ordered our dinner, anddovein on a half a dozen sides. I pulled the tickets out of my pocket and passed them around. I said I had 10 and we needed to get one at the door for Trish, adding it was Rob that wanted her to come.

Rob squeezed my leg hard enough to make me flinch.

I looked at Park and questioned, “So. What is this beautiful young lady doing with you? And your lack of manners is showing, dickhead. How rude of you to not introduce her to the host,” meaning me.

He looked at her and asked, “What’s your name again?” She hit him hardonthe arm and announced her name was Beth.

I told her that Park was all looks and no class; she shouldn’t waste her time, and said, “On the other hand, I am the full meal deal.”

I blew on my fingers and acted like I was shining my nails on my shirt. I said, “Let me give you my number,” and gave her a wink.

That started a little bantering between Parker and me. It ended with him telling her, I was all talk and a fucking show off.

I acted offended and said, “I am not a show-off.” Then I told everybody that Rob was Parker’s grandmas’ pimp. That got laughs so loud that people were looking at us.

Parker warned, “Just wait until I get youbehindthe boat next time, I’m not going to forget that one, Chance. Maybe I’ll just tell grandma and let her kick your pompous ass.”

Cindy told Beth that I was one of the nicest guys she knew. Trish confirmed it with Josh and Randy just nodded their heads. Trish said, “Oh… and the way he sings.”

Parker said, “He’s not that good.” That got him a breadstick in the face from Cindy.

I said, “Ok, Ok. If you guys start a food fight, I will never get a table in here again.”

Beth looked at Parker and said, “Well, if he sings half as good as he plays the piano, he must be fantastic.”

Parker, feeling picked on said, “It only sounds like it. He’s not even hitting all the keys. You just can’t tell. And he’s been playing that since he was like ten.”

Rob decided to share that I had done the same thing at the Hilton in DC, right down to blowing on his fingers, like they were on fire. Trish asked when I was there and Rob jumped right in. He told her “The two of us flew to Virginia last month. We had gone to DC for two days.”

Then to grind it in further, he told her, “We were both so exhausted, we didn’t have the energy to spend two days in New York like we’d planned. We had to change our plane tickets and just relaxed at home before we were ready to come back.”

Trish had gotten under his skin and he was bearing his fucking claws. I thought he was so hot and cute; all pissed off and shit; not like he was with Zach. Trish asked, “So why were you with him, Robby?” I needed to stop this.

I put my left arm around his neck and gave him anoogiewith my right. I told her “This is my brother from another mother and another father,” and that got a laugh.

Trish asked, “What’s that mean?”

Rob jumped in and said, “That means none of your.”

I said, “Robby, be nice.”

But he didn’t let up. “You should’ve seen him at the airport; he charmed the pants off the ticket girl. By the time he was done, we had been upgraded to first-class and she was calling him, RJ.”

I leaned over and asked Cindy for a pen. I grabbed a drink napkin and started writing. When I finished, I folded it up.

Rob went on, saying, “We even got a plane change. We got home early enough to go to the space needle for dinner before we met Parker, Josh, and everyone.”

He looked at Parker and said he hoped he would be invited back for the fourth of July, adding, he loved the Law and Order. He was rubbing Trish’s nose in it; I didn’t think he would let up.

Cass, I guess, looking to have some fun too, said, “It wouldn’t be a party without you, sweet cheeks.”

I slid the note to Beth making sure Trish saw. Beth just put it in her lap.

Cass said to Trish; “Oh… you should see the pictures I took of these two. You two were so fucking hot in those tight cutoffs, all slippery andshinywith lotion. Aren’t they just candy to your eyes?”

Fuck, I was getting hard just listening to her. She looked at Trish and said, “I saved a couple of the best ones for myself, if you know what I mean.” and winked at her. “I must have taken 25 or 30 just of them.”

I looked at her and said, “I got 4. What the fuck Cass?”

She said, “I told you, I kept some.”

Trish said, “It sounds like fun. How can I get invited?” Ha, ha, Cass.

Fortunately, our food came and the conversation chilled as we dug into our dinners. Trish asked Josh and Randy how they knew me and Josh told her he met me through Parker a couple years ago. We had been friends ever sense and I shopped at his store.

He informed her, he ran a clothing store.

She asked, “He gets his clothes from you?”

I guess, not liking the tone of her voice or whatever; Josh put his fork down and rested his chin on his hands and gave her that look. “Is there something wrong with the way he looks, dear?” She had struck a nerve.

“He looks great,” she said defensively.

He said “Damn rights he does. I dress both of them, Hun,” with a little flair.

I guess itwas, pickon Trish night. Rob loved the tag-teaming that was going on. Cass said, “Let me see the watch Robby.” and he held up his wrist. I had told her about it and she was helping him rub it in.

Beth took the note out of her lap and read it. Trish saw the smile she gave me as she put it in her purse. Our dinner conversation weaved back and forth, we had finished and our dishes were cleared. A couple of us had coffee and I made eye contact with the waiter and nodded.

I excused myself from the table, saying I needed to use the restroom. I walked up to the piano and started an intro tohappybirthday as the waiter brought the cake to the table; candles and all. I could see the look of surprise on Robby’s face. It was priceless. He was turning red and all eyes were on him.

I went into the full happy birthday song as the entire wait staff started singing happy birthday, accompanied by the whole restaurant, and a round of applause at the end. It was fucking perfect. Rob was red as a tomato.

Everyone at the table was laughing when I walked up and said “Happy Birthday, Jr.” and winked at him. He was speechless. His eyes were full and he was shaking his head.

Remembering; I said, “Use your words, Rob.”

That put a smile on his face as he remembered saying that to me, and what had happened just before.

“You’re so going to get it, Ryan,” he stated as he discreetly wiped his eyes.

Remembering again; I said, “Good. A full sentence.” and smiled back at him. It was our little joke.

I made him cut the cake and he passed it around, passing to Trish, last. We finished our cake and it was pushing on eight and I nodded to the waiter for him to bring the check.

I looked at it and gave him my card. He came back and I was signing, Rob saw I was leaving a hundred-dollar tip. Then he saw the total at the bottom. He looked at me and I winked at him again; getting a big smile in return.

Still pick on Trish, night. Before Trish could lock arms with me, Cass, cut in front of her taking my arm. She gave me a smile and a squeeze and one of thosebitchsmiles at Trish.

She reached over with her other arm and took Rob’s. Still looking at Trish, she said, “Oh… an R and R sandwich andI’min the middle,” in the slutest voice I ever heard.

When we got out ofear-shotI said, “What is wrong with the two of you?” I really didn’t expect this.

Our cars were lined up and mine was in front. Trish was acting like she wanted to ride with me but Cindy took her by the arm and said, “You can ride with us” and pulled her away.

Parker came up behind me and asked, “Residual from the club? I thought it was kind of hot. I thought he was going to scratch her fuckin eyes out.” and then he asked, “You really dislocated a guys’ arm?” I shrugged and nodded. He laughed and shook his head.

Rob was already in the car when I got in. As we were pulling out I looked at him. All I did was say his name and he unloaded.

“Can you even believe that bitch? Who in the hell does she think she is, anyway? I could have hit thatcuntmyself; thinking she’s all that and then some.” He was actually becoming hysterical.

He paused for a breath and I said in a high pitched voice “I wanted to see you squirm.” reminding him that he gave me the phone last weekend.

“Oh… you think that’s funny; do you, Ryan? I mean really. She thinks I am out of line? Can you believe her?” He was on a serious rant. “She’s the one that tried to fuckin hit you. She knew exactly what would happen when she went up, hanging all over you and shit,” he finally ended breathing hard. I couldn’t hold back a smile.

I moved my hand over to his leg, palm up. He puthisin mine; our fingers formed around the others. I picked it up and kissed it. He smiled at me and said “Don’t think I’ve forgotten. You are really going to get it later.”

I said, “We could skip the concert.”

With his pouty face, he said, “I’ve never been to a concert, Ryan.” The look on his face was priceless.

“Just asking” I replied.

We arrived at the coliseum and got a ticket for Trish. Rob had a great time and the show was awesome. We snuck the weed past security in Cindy’s tampon box and we all got fried. I bought us both t-shirts and programs as souvenirs to document his sixteenth birthday. Still have them.

Back to tonight:

We had finished dinner and I got up, adjusted myself, then did what I do. They all thought the only reason I came here tonight was on the off chance they might come in. That was always my goal; like Harold taught me. People eat that shit up.

I made my rounds; acknowledging every person who had chosen to have dinner with RJ tonight. And Sid was at my side. I watched Rob as I worked the room and he lifted his glass to me showing his approval.

I did what was expected as their host; shaking hands, kissing and complimenting ladies, laughing at jokes that weren’t funny, and buying a drink or bottle of wine.

This is what I was meant to do and thank god for Sid; he remembered everybody’s name. People love to be acknowledged personally and Sid’s mind was a steel trap.

He never forgot a face or a name. As we moved from guest to guest he would remind me quietly so when we got to a table I could address everybody by name. It made them feel special. And I always acknowledged Sid to my guests.

If you want your employees to be happy you need to give them credit for everything. I was the face of RJ’s, but it wasn’t a one-man show.

We were an experience. That’s what eating should be all about. It wasn’t just our food or the presentation. It wasn’t just our amazing view that cost me up the ass. And it wasn’t just me or my staff.

Sid was honestly the glue that held my fine house of food and drink together. He knew ever conj airs in the city and RJ’s was the first recommendation. Sid made a bundle on the side always keeping an open table and I looked the other way. He deserved it.

Most of my guests were regulars; people with standing reservations; like the Governor. There was an elite group that really kept RJ’s in business. And you just never knew who you might see.

All of my waiters had clients who would only allow them to serve and we accommodated that. People like to think they are among friends. And my guys made a ton of money for making them feel that way.

If you wanted to impress someone you would bring them to, My Lake House. My staff knows you, and that, in its self, is impressive. And RJ’s staff would make sure your night was enjoyable just as I had taught them. And even tell you who else was here at the time.

Not every person could see the others in the dining rooms and Harold had shared another little piece of advice. My boys paid attention to who was friends with whom and always pointed people out.

In a fine house like mine, it is customary to acknowledge those you know. And how better to do that than a bottle of wine or a round for the table; maybe even buy their dinner.

One night we had fifteen tables trying to outdo their friends with a higher-priced bottle of wine. That is a fuckin money maker. Many cars spent the night with us that evening.

We opened at 4:30 and at 4 the staff all met and Sid would give a rundown of the night. As I said, my guys knew how to do their job. Everyone had notes on their regulars, what they ate, what they drank, what specials they could recommend, and who their friends were.

Robby just watched me. I thought of how it could have been; how it should have been; both RJ’s working the room as I’d always envisioned, but it still remained just a wish; one of Ryan’s few unfulfilled dreams.

RJ’s was the place to be seen. ‘Don’t want to brag, but it was.’ The Governor was a Friday night regular just like the one before him. I guess when the State Patrol clears the way for you, the hour-plus drive from Olympia only takes about half that. The Mayor of Seattle and City Council were among that group as well as The King County Executive.

I had become a little political; as of late, and learned how to throw my weight around. And I did. In late 1989 I was asked to be on a ‘Blue Ribbon Commission’ by the former Governor, Booth Gardner. I was twenty-nine years old.

From the Author:

Ok, my anonymous friends. I am going to take the road off to the far, far, left for a minute. I know we are all here to forget the real world, forget the things that make us lonely and seek what we are looking for here; but wake up dear ones.

I am going to share the harsh reality with you and what it’s like to live in the real world; at least what RJ’s world was like in late 1989 and early 90. Hold on. ************************************

Some awful shit had been happening in Washington over the last few years. The then, Governor Booth, thought by attaching my name to the Commission a level of validity might be achieved. I was a parent, I was known to many, and at the time, I was neutral. And I wasn’t a victim or a survivor.

If I had known exactly what that meant, what it would do to me, and how it would change the man I have grown into today; I surely would have passed. This Commission was charged with developing a curriculum for lawmakers to act on; concerning sex offenders.

We had several high profile, horrific, crimes against children; including rape and murder. Rape in general and crimes against children were on the rise and it was our mandate to help bring about a change in our State Judicial System.

Over the next six months, I met with victims and the relatives of victims. I heard shit that you can’t forget or unlearn; horrors that can cause you to lose sleep or have nightmares when you do; still to this day. And at the same time, I was designing my lake house.

One day I sat and listened as a father described how a man had taken his son. The bastard spent three days doing things to his little boy before finally allowing his child to die. And he recorded it all. Little Lee, was five. And Dad listened to the tapes in court. I couldn’t even imagine. It made me sick to my stomach. He shared so much with me and we talked into the early morning sitting in a dingy building on the Capitol Campus.

The sick son of a bitch had also done the same thing to a set of brothers. Wesley Allen Dodd was put to death. It was the fastest execution in Washington State history.

He pled guilty on all counts and didn’t appeal. “If you ever let me out I will do it again,” he told the court. I would have flipped the fuckin switch myself. Swear to god, I would have.’

One story, in particular, touched my heart more than all the others; maybe because he survived. His mother was also on the Commission. Her seven-year-old son had been raped and mutilated by a man who should have never seen the light of day. And never will again.

I wept as she described to us the atrocities that her son endured. I thought of my own boys and actually broke down into a blubbering mess. She comforted me and where this single mother found her strength; I have no idea.

We became friends and she allowed me to meet her son who had been kept in the shadows. They arrived at our home on a sunny Saturday and when I laid eyes on this blond nine-year-old boy, I wanted to explode.

How, could anyone, do something to a child-like what had been done to him? He was blond and blue-eyed; he looked like any other boy, but he wasn’t. I could see it in his eyes; the torture, pain, and fear that would haunt him until he took his last breath. That’s just wrong.

When they were getting ready to leave that day we stood in front of each other and waited. I counted the small scars around his neck from the barbed wire that bound him to that tree. Eventually, what saved his life?

I opened my arms not knowing what to expect. His head nestled under my chin as he fell agents me and squeezed.

My hand rested on the side of his face and I wished at the time I could do for him what I could for Rob. White hair, be dammed. And I kissed the top of that sweet boys’ head.

“You are a good man!” he told me as he squeezed one last time and let go.

My eyes had already started to fill thinking, there was nothing special about me, and I was going to lose it. I saw his mother had tears in her own eyes and I took a deep breath hoping for composure.

She came and rested her head on my shoulder. “I haven’t seen him do that since. He hasn’t even let me hug him. Thank you, Ryan.” And I squeezed her, letting go, having to walk away.

Robin just let me sit and cry in the back yard with Lady and a bottle between my legs. She supported me through all this shit. This whole thing, everything, had been so hard on me. I wished I could just forget all the bad shit that had consumed me for a year. But I was never a victim and neither were my boys. And it was going to stay that way.

For fifteen years I watched that young man, grow; even at twenty-three he still hugged me. In 2005 I sat in the front row of a church looking at the three pages I had written that lay in my lap. I was fuckin numb.

I stood looking out over the hundreds of people who had come to pay their respects to the strongest person I ever knew. I stared at his mother and then my grown boys; one a stoner, and the other a scholar; but both loved him as a big brother.

I crumpled the paper in my hands and spoke from the heart. I really don’t recall what I said. I do remember thinking as I looked around; could my death produce such a crowd? And tears just ran down my cheeks. The world is less in his loss and that’s all I’ll say about him.

************************************

1990

After months of labor, we presented to the Governor, a two-thousand -page document called, ‘The Citizens Protection Act.’ Contained within those pages were some of the most groundbreaking pieces of legislation ever; ‘Notification and Registration and, Civil Commitment.’

These laws along with many others we recommended to protect children and victims were used as a model in other states around the nation. They swept through our system in record time and I somehow became the face of that.

These new laws went to every committee for approval. Each of them required community input and that meant me. I have no idea how many times I spoke. And I stood behind the Governor as he signed each one into law.

I thumbed my nose at the pomp and shit of government as my boys sometimes sat in a Senators’ office. I knew many in the Senate as well as Legislators. They would call me by my sirname and I would refer to them by their first name; showing them that their title didn’t mean shit to me.

“Yes my friends there is a fiscal note,” I would say as I stood making my intentions known. It was always about money. “What is the cost of a child?” I would ask. “What is the cost of your child? If you don’t pass these bills I guarantee this will be the last committee, you ever serve on and I will lead the crusade to elect someone who will stand up for victims.”

“Don’t try and threaten us, Mr. Chancellor.” One Chair said like she was scolding a child.

“I never threaten, Madam Chair. You know me, Carol. It’s just a fact; you’ll be gone.” I said with my smile.

They did know me and most were scared of what I could do and the influence I had. I’d grown a huge set of balls. Reporters were always outside wanting a comment from me. I assured them that the committee would do the right thing, and they always did.

This was one of the hardest times in my life, although I remember back on it and think it was one of my greatest achievements. And as sickening as the topic was I truly made a fuckin difference.

It’s a humbling experience, my friends, to know that something you did will affect lives for years to come. People I will never meet; children I will never know; are safer now. And animals that would hurt them will sit behind bars and rote. I am proud to tell you I had a hand in that.

I am ashamed to say I got caught up in the talk show circuit. I spent days in the air going from Sally to Opera, Montel to Maury, Springer, and Geraldo: I even went to England.

Every time a child was raped or murdered my phone would ring and it would start all over again. How it sickened me that the names of dead children were being attached to Laws around the country.

I would go when asked where ever I could help. I would speak to those who needed to be shaken or drug into reality. I would console grieving families and the media loved my ass. I could rally people and get everyone’s attention. I made shit happen.

I would publically accuse lawmakers of being heartless bastards turning a blind eye to the most vulnerable for the sake of their budgets. I was bleeped more times than not. The only way to defend themselves was to act.

In mid 90 I was doing a local show in Atlanta after an awful crime; just kind of going through the motions. Suddenly I focused on the man across from me and listened to what he said.

I fuckin snapped... I knew something bad was going to happen; I was helpless to stop it. I actually leaped across the stage in a blind rage to beat the fuck out of a piece of shit that had just admitted to molesting a young boy but said he was a victim too.

Cry me a river; I, don’t, fuckin, care, people. Every story I heard drove my fist harder into his face. It is true though; most victims become abusers and turn their rage agents a helpless child. It just never made any sense to me.

Well, I think that’s when they started having big guys just off stage. Before they could pull me off I have no idea how many times I hit him to the applause of the audience. I truly think I would have caved his head in with my fist.

It sickened me to look at his bloody and broken face. What have I done? I watched as they put him on a stretcher and wheeled him out. My right hand was in a cast for two months and I ruined a thousand-dollar suit.

I was whisked from the studio in a limo before any cops came; bloody rag wrapped around my hand. And I was dropped at the airport before the show was pulled and never aired.

I sat in my blood-splattered suit at a bar in the airport trying to numb the pain; blood-soaked rag still around my right hand, and I watched a clip of what happened on the TV. It was going to air tonight.

Everyone was looking at me. I hit him fifteen times with my right hand in slow, fuckin, motion, and never felt a bone break; mine or his. The show was to air that night and I called Chuck from the bar.

I explained what happened and told him I thought I was set up by the studio. ‘I could be a hothead.’ Chuck and his firm made sure the show never aired and he got me off by giving the guy ten grand not to press charges. I offered another ten if I could do it again when my hand healed. My drinks at the bar were paid for by those sitting around me.

“These things happened. If you are one of those, sick, sons a bitches, I’ve described; do us all a favor and just crawl into the bathtub and drag a razor slowly across your fuckin throat.”

I needed to tell you that so I could tell you this. OK, I guess I didn’t need to tell you that, but I did.

I spent many hours defending and trying to rationalize away the phobia that had surrounded gay men. These crimes had started a movement that all gay men were pedophiles and rapists. I refused to let that train start down the track.

I knew this wasn’t true; I knew that almost every gay man was only looking for love; whose goal was not to rob a child of their innocents or throw themselves at some unwilling person. “We want what everybody wants.”

Sitting behind those closed doors I had people say awful things to me and even throw shit at me. But I held my ground.

“Gay is not a choice people. We all love with our hearts and not our minds. Just because a man loves another man doesn’t mean he wants to rape your children.

The heart loves what the heart loves.” That was my mantra; I think I may have swayed a few. And I thought of Robby and me every time I argued my point.

Because of my involvement with all of that I was an unwilling candidate for a senate seat in 92. I had been hounded for a year by the Governor and Democrats around the state. I would have been the youngest in years.

I had done my part though and had no interest at all; and knew if I did, I’d never get out. I just couldn’t do this anymore. The Republican senator in my district told me she wouldn’t have a chance for another term if I ran and I never threw my hat in putting all my support her way and she was great doing a lot of good.

I have said enough and will move on.

It was not uncommon to see sports figures, movers and shakers, and on weekends there were concerts in town; people like Elton and Billy, along with Ann and Nancy, and many others. Maybe even Bill and Paul would be in the corner talking about some new program could be seen dining at my Lake House.

I returned to the table and slid in so we were sitting a little closer to each other than before; almost side by side. “Robby? What do you feel when you think of me?” I asked, with my still broken heart. “When the distance between us, hurts?”

In 1981, I had some shit happen with a carload, ‘A train carload’ of cedar, and needed to fly to Chicago. We are talking six truck loads. It was a potential for thousands of dollars. Rob didn’t go with me. That was the first and last time it ever happened.

I felt it after about fifteen minutes in the air. We were never meant to be that far from each other. And until I landed I didn’t realize what the distance between us had done to Rob.

It was hard on me; an ach that grew; an emptiness that is impossible to describe; a splitting or emotional tearing apart, but it threw him into a tailspin. And we never separated again.

I called home when I landed and Parker answered the phone. “Ryan, you need to come home, NOW. Robby is a fuckin basket case. Ryan, you need to come back home.”

He explained about Rob’s condition; he was crying uncontrollably, holding his body like it was being eaten from the inside out, was moaning my name, and he had called Parker for help.

I flew home less than twelve hours later and we held each other for a day trying to repair what the distance between us had done. And to this day we still knew when we were more than a hundred miles apart.

************************************

That question seemed to trigger a deep sadness for him and I watched as his eyes got visibly wet. “Do you even need to ask, Ryan?” he choked out.

“I need to know. I need you to tell me, Robby. I can’t feel it anymore. Let me feel it again. Please.” I shouldn’t have pushed him, shouldn’t have made him sad, but, I wanted to hear him say it.

He found my hand under the table and my eyes filled before our fingers interlocked. I remembered the first time I held his hand.

Flashback.

1977

“Have you, I mean, with Josh or Zach. Have they?” and he trailed off.

“Is there a question in there somewhere, Robby?” I asked.

He replied, “No, I guess not. It doesn't make any difference anyway.”

I told him he looked baked and asked if he just wanted to go to bed? He looked at me and said, “I am, but not so stoned we can't still, you know.” We climbed out; I grabbed the bong as he put the cover on the tub. By the time I came out of the bathroom, he was in bed, smiling.

I crawled in naked and saw he was too. “How should we start this, Robby?” I asked. He pulled the covers down exposing both our toys; we were both at about half-mast.

I reached up to the headboard getting the lube I kept behind my alarm clock. I put a few drops on myself then a few on him and put the bottle back without putting the cap on.

We worked it in and started stroking, “Want to race?" he asked enthusiastically.

"What's your rush, Rob; you got somewhere you need to be?” I questioned.

He looked at me and I continued by saying “I like to spend some time just enjoying the feeling, building up slowly, and teasing myself a little.” He followed my lead slowly stroking himself, copying what I was doing.

We were watching each other and I told him I like to get real close, then slow down, let it pass, and start all over again.

He told me he did it fast and I said, “I like to take my time.”

His beautiful unit was close to the same size as mine, maybe a little bigger at the base. Both of us circumcised; around 7" and we might have been able to squeeze them into a toilet paper roll. It was perfect.

We both were getting close for the first time and I slowed down; just working my shaft for a while leaving the head alone. Robby seemed to be matching my moves and I saw a little bubble of pre-cum slip out of him.

I squeezed my balls and ran fingers up my shaft getting a drop of my own to come out, then rubbed it around my head.

I told him we were crossing a line; I hoped things wouldn't get weird between us. He told me he didn't think that was going to happen.

I reached up with my left hand giving my right nipple a little pinch and let out a soft moan. He looked at me and I told him that guy's nipples were no different than girls.

Then I reached over and gave a pinch. That is kind of nice he admitted, and I asked why he had never done that before. He said when he beats off; all he wants to do is cum.

I said, "There's no need to rush tonight, Robby. The more we prolong it, the better it will be." Then I reached over, pinching and twisting his nipple again.

I fumbled behind me for the bottle but he grabbed it before I could. He put a few drops on himself then a few on me and put the bottle back. He said the lube was nice and he did it dry most of the time. I shared that spit really was the best lube.

Feeling bold, I licked my stroking hand then reached over taking his shaft in mine; his naturally moving to allow my fondling. It was like touching an electric fence and lightning raced through my body straight to my brain then exploded.

I closed my eyes and stroked him a few times, tightening my hand around his head when I got to the top. The sight of what I had seen a few weeks ago was now in my hand and I was stupefied again. He made no effort to move my hand and really didn't give me any kind of reaction other than a little tremor.

I unwillingly released him, wrapped my hand around my own unit again, and told him his felt a lot like mine. He reached over and took hold of me and I almost came in his hand. I asked him to go slow, "I'm getting close; Please, I don't want to cum yet, Robby."

He commented that he thought mine was longer, maybe a little bigger at the base and he had never felt any ones’ cock other than his. He stopped short of asking if I had. And I didn't offer.

“Can I move now, Ryan,” he asked with a smile and a small squeeze; his hand still holding me. I was so close.

I nodded and put my hand back on him and we slowly started jacking each other again. I told him it felt really good and he replied by squeezing a few more drops out of me and rubbed it around my head with his thumb.

"I'm getting close, Ryan." he breathlessly announced for the third time.

I asked if he wanted to finish himself off but he shook his head no and told me he liked the way I was doing it. With him saying that it got me closer, and we started stroking each other with a little more determination.

On my upstrokes; I was running his shaft through my whole hand, giving the purple head extra attention. We were both getting into it and weren’t going to put it off any longer.

I started moving my midsection up and down; fucking his hand and he followed my lead. We could tell the other was getting close. He started bucking up into my hand and then would slow, so just his head was getting stroked. I looked at my cock pushing in and out of his hand then looked over at him.

He was watching me with a little smile on his face. He said, "I'm going to make you cum!" And he did. Boy did, he. If I hadn't been watching him watching me; I would have gotten the first hit in my eye, but it hit me on the cheek.

I produced a creamy trail from his hand to my face. He shot right after my first wad and we stroked each other with determination. After about 30 seconds of nonstop groaning, we were spent.

We had cum all over us! Rob had shot over his head the first time and hit the headboard. I must admit, he came hard. I felt it pulse through my hand. I kept stroking him until he rested his hand on mine and said I just had to stop, while he squirmed.

He had cum on his face and chest, our hands were covered with each other's seed, and I squeezed him a little to get the last drops out. I didn't want to shock him, but I just HAD to taste him.

I licked his cum off my hand looking over at him for a reaction. He looked at me and did the same and stated with a huge smile "We are cum brothers now, Ryan." He said that he didn't think he had ever cum so hard or that much in his life.

In our rush to get started, we didn't have a towel or anything to clean up with. I looked at myself then at Robby. We had cum all over us and it would have taken a beach towel to clean us up, maybe two.

I glanced at the clock, it was 12:45, and I said I thought a shower was in order. I got up with cum running down my body and in the dim light of my bedside lamp I made my way to the bathroom.

I started the shower and stepped into the hot water. I stood under the rain head thinking about what we had just done; wondering; where do we go from here. I opened my eyes as a cum covered Robby came into the shower.

I smiled as I told him he had cum in his hair and most everywhere for that matter. Smiling back at me he said, "You got a lot of room to talk!"

He stood under one head, washing away his spent seed.

I turned to him and asked, "How about you wash my hair for me?" Adding that was one of my favorite things, and it was.

He quickly grabbed the shampoo and went to work on my head. It really was something I enjoyed. Zach and I showered together most every morning when I stayed with him. I leaned my head back rinsing my hair and by the time I opened my eyes, Rob had soap and a washcloth and he started washing my chest.

It felt so good; him running his hands over my body. I was getting hard again, even after a mind-blowing orgasm. I rinsed and said, "OK, your turn," not even trying to hide my excitement.

I put shampoo in my hands rubbing them together then ran my fingers through his hair. I liked my head scrubbed so I washed his, the way I liked it. I found he liked it the same way. He rinsed his hair and I got the soap and foamed up the washcloth then started sliding it over his back.

I ran my hands over his shoulders and from behind, I pulled him a little closer, so I could reach his chest. This wasn't helping my hard on any and I noticed he was a little thick too. I didn't know if it was from him washing me, or me washing him but I threw caution to the wind and asked, "Didn’t you get enough?"

He looked down at himself and then back at me and said, "I have never cum like that in my life, Ryan." I told him it was over the top for me too.

We stood in the shower enjoying the hot water running over our bodies. I knew I had to say something to break the ice, so to speak. Before I could say anything he turned asking "Ryan? Was this a one-time thing?"

In my mind, I was thinking three times a day wouldn't be enough for me, but that's not what I said to him. "Robby, we have been spending a lot of time together. If you keep sleeping in my bed; No, this wouldn't be the last time it happens." And it wasn’t.

He smiled at me and said, "I hope not."

We dried off and sat naked on the love set each taking another hit off the bong then went to inspect the bed. Other than the headboard, we had managed to keep our cum on us and with a swipe of a sock, what was on the headboard was gone.

I was wondering about putting on some underwear but when he climbed into bed naked; my mind had been made up for me.

He looked over at me and said, "Thanks for showing me a new way, Ryan." adding he never took his time and thought my way was much better than dry and fast.

I could hear the wheels turning in his head but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what he was thinking. He finally said he had never done this with anybody else, but he was glad he had done it with me.

He then said, "Ryan." and waited for me to reply.

"Yes, Robby."

"Does this make us gay?" he asked softly.

"No Rob, I don't think it makes us gay. All guys jack off. A lot of guys do it with friends for fun. It’s more fun with company, don't you think?"

"Definitely." was his one-word reply.

He was happy with my answer, but I could tell there was more he wanted to ask. He was just trying to figure out how and what to ask, and if he really wanted the answer.

"Ryan, have you ever, I mean with Josh or Zach, did you do anything? I mean Josh is a good looking guy and I saw the way he grabbed your ass and stuff, it's easy to see he likes you."

I turned over towards him and he was looking at me as I tried to come up with an answer to his incomplete question.

Deciding to focus on the Josh part of the question I said, "You're right; Josh has made it clear that he likes me. If you're asking if I have ever gone to bed with him or anything, the answer is no.

I like girls Robby but, I can appreciate a hot guy too, like you. I take no offense when a good looking guy touches my ass or makes a pass at me. To me, it's just as flattering as when a girl does it."

I reached over and took his hand in mine. “There is so much more than sex, Robby. Like this,” holding his hand as we instinctively intertwined our fingers and I slowly rubbed my thumb over the back of his.

His hand was so warm and it felt like I had done this before. I had to fight the urge to bring his hand to my lips and kiss it. I looked at our clasp hands for I don't know how long, our hearts synchronized again and I heard him say my name, softly.

“Robby, even something as innocent as this, can be more intimate than kissing or even sex. It isn't always about getting off. You can fuck anyone, but sharing feelings, sharing your heart, is so much more fulfilling.”

Dick said, “Well done dummy.”

I held his hand in mine for a minute while we just looked at each other. I felt; well, I think we both felt, exactly what I was saying. I had a flash of the dream I had the other night.

Back to today:

“I am so fuckin sorry, Rye.” He started. “I’m ashamed, I’m embarrassed, and I feel fuckin awful. And I have disappointed you.

But I broke my promises that I honestly thought I could keep. That’s something I will never get over.” And he squeezed my hand. “Is that what you wanted to hear? Feel better now, Chancellor?” he asked. He was being a little, fuckin, bitch, now. And it pissed me off.

“All I wanted you to say; all I wanted to hear and feel; was that you still love me, Robby. That’s really all I wanted. Are you happy now, Chancellor?” Ok; it was my turn to be a bitch.

I knew he could feel everything that was whirling around in my head; he always could. I longed to have things like they were; even still, and to feel him next to me every night in bed. But most of all I missed the walks in our fields of memories.

That was a place we shared and spent years building together, but now it was a place each trekked alone and had for a very long time. I missed that so much.

June 21st, 1978. The morning after my eighteenth birthday.

I woke up close to noon still upside down in the bed with Rob propped up on an elbow smiling at me. I felt like what I can only describe as a sexual hangover; but his face, his smile, was all the medicine I needed; it was all I would ever need.

He brushed some hair from my face then painfully slow he traced that finger across my cheek, down my jaw, then down the middle of my body, slowly and lovingly, all the way to my hairline, eliciting the familiar shiver and contraction of my stomach that only his touch could provoke. He couldn’t help but smile at my reaction.

“Did you have fun yesterday, Rye?” he asked, with his knowing smile.

“You fuckin near killed me, Jr,” I replied; my eyes closing and remembering; unable to hold back my own smile.

His hand wrapped around my morning wood and he asked “Do you really think I could ever hurt you, Ryan? I think you held up remarkably well, considering.” as he squeezed me.

I just closed my eyes again and shook my head a little as he rested his on my shoulder. I told him I didn’t know how he managed to pull off that whole party thing without me knowing and called him a little sneak.

“It really does feel good to make you happy, Rye. I absolutely loved turning you into what I did last night. I might have enjoyed it more than you.”

I told him I owed him a blackout sex session and his reply was “I can’t wait.” And he nuzzled further into my neck.

“I can’t either. Robby, just so you know; you’re my onion. To say you surprised me yesterday is an understatement. And last night, well, last night you showed me a part of you that I hope and pray I will see again many times.”

I lay there quietly; his head on my shoulder, my arm around him, both of us naked, and still upside down in the bed. I went on a little journey; a reflection if you will; back to yesteryear.

This past year so many things had happened; a total fuckin emotional rollercoaster. I had changed in so many ways; Robby had also. Sylvia was right; I have so much love inside me; not just for Robby, but for everything.

All the things that had to come together; what if just one would have been off? Where would I be right now; right this minute? And what would be in my heart? And then there was Rob. What if he wasn’t in my life right now? If he wasn’t lying here next to me; would I have longed for something I never had?

I started to question if this was destiny? Would we have eventually found each other again? Had every twist and turn in our lives been set into motion long ago just to get us to where we were today; holding each other and feeling the way I did? Would I have gone through life feeling incomplete; not quite whole, and not knowing why? Would I have been deprived of what I feel now?

I could feel the two of us; at this particular moment our hearts and breathing were synchronized; was this meant to be? Last night; how we were with each other; would I have never known love like his? I knew exactly how it made him feel to make me happy, it was the same for me with him, and I was glad he was able to feel it too.

I was overcome; tears beginning to stream from the corners of my closed eyes. Before Robby; a tear had not fallen from my eyes in years, but now, now everything was different; I was different. Many were happy tears; some were shed from confusion, like now, but the first was when he called me, Rye.

I’m not a fuckin ball baby my anonymous friends but since Robby came into my life my emotions rest on my sleeve. I guess that’s what happens when you give yourself to someone; when you give ‘of’ yourself for another.

I would happily give him my last drop of blood. I would give up everything I have. And yes, what is left of my heart, the part he doesn’t already hold, I would give him that too.

Picture if you can; you’re standing in the middle of a wheat field; bright and golden waves of grain as far as your eyes can see; that’s your life, every stalks is a memory, and they are all yours.

You wander around admiring all you see, picking stalks of wheat and reliving the memories held within. You feel the pain and sorrow, all the ‘what if’s’, the pleasure, happiness, and all the joy of that moment.

That’s what I was doing this morning as I started my nineteenth journey around the sun; that’s what I’m doing right now as I type; the tears fall as freely today my friends as they did almost forty years ago.

Now imagine that the person you love the most is walking beside you, sharing it all with you; sharing what you feel, then lovingly planting a new stalk for every one picked.

That’s where I was that morning; picking the stalks that Robby had planted, that we had planted together; reliving what grew for me there, my heart swells just a little more.

He truly was the start of my life and this place we shared, we did so willingly; no conditions or stipulations, and I realized how bare my field would be if he didn’t share it with me; had he not helped me sow it, and another tear slides down my cheek.

I reached down and picked another; the day I saw his colors for the first time. It was like a bomb had gone off in my body and I became hypersensitive to everything. And I heard his voice asking if I felt it too.

The feel of his skin was so soft and slippery against mine. Then I opened my eyes and saw the shroud of colors that cloaked him; the beauty radiating from him, beyond words. Water droplets were glistening and sparkling like diamonds sliding down his body, his arms around my neck, and his forehead resting on mine. And I felt everything about him. Amazing what a single memory can hold.

I reached down and picked another; the morning he put his hand on my heart. He relieved me of the overwhelming sadness I was feeling that morning wondering if what we had would end someday. He gave me a feeling of clarity and helped me realize why I was feeling as I did. I suddenly understood the way we were connected even though the last of the puzzle pieces had not yet been put in place.

I felt the soft touch; his fingers making designs on my chest and I reached down for another. His voice startled me and I turned to see his face; him standing behind me in my field of memories.

“Not that one, Ryan.” His eyes; those eyes, telling me there was no need for this one again; ever.

He was here with me, but Robby was next to me in our bed also. That’s what it was like for us, he was always here; had been for a year, maybe longer, and would be always and forever. I stood, the stalk, the memory in my hand, and he said again “Put it back, please Rye.”

A drawback to our field of memories for me; the memory contained within may not be what you're seeking, and you won’t know until it’s in your hand. I bent down and pushed it back into the fertile dirt, the soil that Robby tended for me, allowing the memory to grow till the day I was ready again. But he saw them all.

He smiled at me; bent down picking a long golden stalk and held it up saying, “This one, Rye.” It was a stalk from his field, the one that mingled with mine; this was one of his memories. I remembered as I remembered, but not as he did, and he shared it with me now.

It was the first time he saw me. His surprise and relief at the sight of me; the colors that surrounded my body making him so happy, he realized he had found the one he had been unknowingly searching for.

I remembered his eyes that day; the day they spoke to me for the first time; the shiver that ran up my back; now I was feeling what he did that day. He had dreamt of me from the time he was a little boy. From his earliest memory; I was the boy in his dreams with the colors.

Now I was standing right in front of him; the person who came to him in his sleep, the one who gave him comfort, and the one who protected and held him when he needed it most. He searched my eyes that day hoping to see some sign of recognition; something in my eyes that assured him I was the one.

Another tear escaped my eye, but before it could slide down my cheek his finger was there, there to wipe it away. That’s what it was like for us my friends. Was it a gift? Was it a curse? Was it destiny? I have no fuckin idea, but it was us, and I was growing so accustomed to it. Would I have missed it should I lose it? Would my life go back to what it was before him?

I looked beyond him and the stalk, the memory he held in his hand and saw it; the structure. There were no structures in my field, but in his there were.

“Ryan. Over here.” He said, trying to distract me. I looked at him and he waved his finger in front of his face and shook his head back and forth; the way a mother would tell a child no.

That wheat, the memories within the stalks hidden behind those walls; they were not to be shared again. The memories of the deer and so much more resided there, held captive far from where I could see. He had built that structure for Ryan, to shield me from his pain of what was held in those stalks of wheat, knowing how much it hurt me when he hurt.

He ran his hand around over the fine hair of wheat that stood at his feet like looking for a particular stalk. I watched him pull it out and he turned and smiled. It was the first time I had taken his hand in mine, that night we crossed the invisible line and touched each other; made each other cum for the first time.

This memory was the same for both of us; the same thoughts went through his head as they had mine. The natural way our fingers formed around the others. We both felt how it was so familiar; déjà vu for both of us. We were at a loss that night to understand why we were drawn to kiss our clasped hands.

Then the side memories came into view, each kernel revealing a fragment of the original held in the stalk as a whole. The day in the TR when he openly reached down and took my hand, knowing what it meant. And the day I refused to resist temptation and kissed his. I looked beyond him again, the structure looming in the background. “Robby?”

Back to today:

We sat silent again; his hand still holding mine with the table cloth hiding what was going on underneath. “It looks like a cross between Kimos’ and Phil’s; the one in DC.” He announced as looking around.

“It should. That’s what I was going for when I designed it. You should see the kitchen.” I replied. We were quiet for a minute thinking about the first time we ate in both those places.

Sid walked over again and we released each other's hand. He leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Boss, that huge guy is at the front desk making a scene because we don’t have a table.” Then he backed away looking for my reaction. It was loud enough for Rob to hear.

“You mean the black guy?” I asked, nonchalantly.

“You freak me out, Boss. How did you know?”

Rob looked at me and said, “No, fuckin, way?”

From your Author:

At the last minute, I decided not to dump fifty-thousand words on you all at once so I broke this chapter in less than half; twenty-thousand words. The next chapter will be from Robby’s POV on the same night. RJC.