Robby and Ryan

1992 Reflections

I would like readers to understand I’m a guy pushing sixty telling you about our life years ago. Many of you are commenting but many more are emailing me. It can be hard to keep it all straight. It really goes far beyond what I write or the comments we trade. It is what the others don’t see when you email me.

This is not a deterrent; Honest. A lot of people email me. I appreciate all of the compliments and give the best advice a scotch-soaked old-man can give. The best I can tell is my readers and I share some kind of understanding. The Chancellors’ have touched people; touched you; readers have become vested and its brought many from their shell to comment or email the author. That is a good thing. One said, “I couldn’t help it.”

I said a few chapters back; I wanted to make Robby relevant again. I got a few emails telling me ‘let the dead rest in peace.’

We stood at the foot of my bed as he released the clasp on my dress pants, then the zipper, and let them fall to the floor. He pushed me back on the bed, removed my shoes and socks, then pulled my pants completely off. He smiled as he looked at what was once his favorite toy stretching the fabric that had grown embarrassing wet.

He walked to the on-suite still fully clothed and laughed as I lay almost naked on the bed. “You do know how to put together a bathroom, Ryan.” And then he saw it. Talk about six degrees of separation.

Elton John had been in town a year ago and was having a private late dinner with a guy named Dale. He was a local glass artisan that I found out later made a half-million dollars that night.

It turned out that Elton made another friend famous along with making me richer in the process. Christian Reese Lassen. Rob and I bought one of his paintings every time we were in the Islands through the late seventies and early eighties. Elton made him a very wealthy and sought after artist. I owned ten early originals.

Dale Chihuly himself recreated the stain glass window from ‘The Willows;’ only a picture to go by and it allowed him a table in my restaurant whenever he wanted.

Rob asked as he turned to look back at me, “How did you manage this?” I just shrugged.

He leaned against the door jamb just smiling at me; turning his head and tilting it slightly like it allowed him to see me better. Still, on my back I rose up leaning on my elbows returning his look with a smile and tilt of my own head.

Robby went into full striptease mode; the hundred dollar strip he always did for me; for free. He kicked one shoe off at a time in no particular direction. He turned his back; the shirt came down off his shoulders falling to the floor. And he just stood like that; hands on his hips; allowing me to admire him from behind. It was so… fuckin hot.

He seemed to be so healthy. Pounds and muscle had found their way back to all the right spots and there were no bruises. I had seen him in so many conditions and disrepair that this was easy to look at. And he wanted me to see that.

He finally turned. I couldn’t believe the look he gave me. “Tell me, Dr. Chancellor. Tell me what you want me to do?” just came falling from his lips. This was getting better. Dick was singing. I could have cum for the first time right there.

With the skill of Parker, he flipped the clasp and zipper in one motion allowing his slacks fell to the floor then were kicked in my direction. He stood looking at me in his man panties just like the first pair I ever bought him; red with black stitching; a big wet spot in front that didn’t come with them new.

I backed up the bed until my head was on the pillows and pushed my saturated undies off. He waited; waited for me to tell him. I didn’t say a word; I just held out my arms.

He walked over, stood in front of me, and just looked in my eyes; then he saw it. I couldn’t help it. My eyes broke from his to bear witness, yet again, to the track scars on his arms.

I have never hated anything as much in my life as I did those scars. It pained me watching them grow over the years as it did him to put them there, but it never stopped him. Fuckin drugs!

“Don’t Rye” He pleaded. “I am getting better thanks to you. You know I didn’t mean any of it, right? Not a single word; please believe me.” And he watched my eyes for another minute. The last time I put him in rehab.

I did believe him when he said he didn’t mean any of it. His only goal that day was to be set free to continue his downward spiral.

His eyes moved to the framed Christmas gift he gave me in 1977 that hung on the left side of my bed; the first thing I saw when I woke up in the morning. He walked over and stood in front of it.

He slid his man panties down and closed the distance between us until he was straddling me with his ass grinding on his toy. He leaned down with a hand on each side of my head.

I felt his eyes fill with tears; the familiar burning in my own. “Ryan? Could you love me like you used to?” He questioned, as the biggest tears rolled down his cheeks. “I’m afraid I might never feel anything like that again.”

I was confused at his question. I wasn’t sure if he was asking what I so wanted him to; if we could go back to how it was, or if he just wanted me to make love to him like I used to. “My love for you has never changed, Robby.” I finally told him.

He lowered himself down; the weight of him coming to rest on me as his lips found mine. Each of our favorite toys resting between us as we explored the mouth of the other and then, Ring, Ring. Fuckin phones! Really? God, damn, fuckin, phones!

Rob broke the kiss and asked if I needed to get it. I lay there seeing myself through his eyes for the first time in so… long. If something was going on downstairs, I knew Sid could handle it.

As the answering machine picked up I shook my head no and pulled him back down. I froze when I heard the dick melting voice.

“Ryan. You didn’t call the boys and wish them sweet dreams tonight. I hope everything is going ok,” Robin said from the other end with genuine concern. “I assume you will be home in the morning.”

“Ryan?” And then there was a pause. “You need to stop at the vet before you come home. See you tomorrow.” And then there was silence.

What, fuckin, timing! What was rock hard thirty seconds ago was now not anywhere close to hard. And I wasn’t the only one.

Rob slid over and lay with half his body draped over mine; one of the two positions we fell asleep in for years. A flood of shit went through my mind as we lay in silence.

Just the minute before; I wasn’t married. I didn’t have two boys who loved me because I was their Dad. It was Robby and Ryan. There had been no water under the bridge; tonight was just another Friday night like the hundreds before.

Rob broke the silence, “Lady?” he asked.

Rob had left Lady behind when he walked away. She moped around as long as I did and we bonded in our loss of Robby. She sat at the tire she’d played with for years and wept.

Honestly, you could see her face was wet. She was a fuckin dog, but she mourned him as much as me. She was thirteen now and was about two years past the good ones.

Lady had become my dog in Rob's absents and it crushed him when he came back and she acted like she didn’t know who he was. She sat at my feet. She was pissed.

I never should have done it. Rob got up to sit by me and I said, “Lady Focus.” And she stood between us and gave Rob a look and a growl that only a Rottweiler can. It was mean of me.

He got down on his knees and looked her in the eyes. Her growl softened as he ran his hands over her front paws. “I’m so… sorry, my sweet.” He said, and she moved in and licked his face.

“She’s old Rob. Her kidneys have become a problem. She has been at the vet for a week.”

“You could help her, Rye.” He reminded.

“You give me too much credit, Jr. She’s not you. And what If I could help her Robby; when would I stop? Wouldn’t I really just be prolonging the inevitable; robbing her of dying when it’s her time?

Her kidneys are shutting down and this is the only time she’s been sick in all these years. I won’t let her suffer. She doesn’t deserve that, Rob. We both know what that feels like.”

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing for me, Chancellor? Prolonging the inevitable?” a long distant look in his eye as one finger traced around my stomach.

“This is, all, my fault,” he started “Poor Lady, your boys and Robin, and everything,” his head never coming off my chest. “I am so… fuckin sorry, Ryan.”

It had never really dawned on me before. Had Rob not left me, I wouldn’t have my boys. Rob thought they were a burden and was sorry for it. For the very first time I put things into perspective.

I understood in that moment the loss of Robby years ago allowed me to have the love of my boys, and I realized the price; as high as it was; was not too high. But it was. And Rob thought it was too. He didn’t see my boys as priceless, though he loved them too; but saw them as more of a burden on me, caused by him.

I slid out from under his frame without a word. I walked to the main room, naked, and just looked at the lake. Even though Rob was not the mother of my boys, he was the one I saw and loved when they were conceived.

Robin was more, but was really little more than a surrogate; a vessel to carry what my love for Robby produced. That’s what my boys were; a product of my love for him. When I looked at them I saw Rob. And in their eyes and the way both of them tilted their heads, I saw him.

Please, please, don’t judge my friends. I am just being painfully honest.

I saw Rob’s reflection in the glass; he was dressed and just looking at me. “You promised, Rob.” I said without turning around. “You promised I wouldn’t wake up alone again. Is that what it’s come to?

A promise is just something you say and forget? Was this just another you can’t keep? Or did you get dressed so I could undress you myself?” I asked, still, without turning around.

“You want me to stay, Rye? You don’t want me to leave?” He questioned. He honestly thought I did.

I finally turned and said, “I never, ever, wanted you to leave, Jr.” He understood what never meant and walked up to me.

Now it was my turn; Ryan’s, turn to undress my beautiful boy. And he let me. I unbuttoned his shirt then held the necklace in my hand as I had wanted. I pushed the material off his shoulders letting it fall doing as he had done to me.

“Ryan? When can I throw this key away?” he asked. “I have been back to the bank many times over the years and the key still works. Was it all some kind of a test?” He questioned. “Is this your way of torturing me somehow?” he finished; knowing none of those were true.

“Robby; you can throw it away anytime you want and I know you have never taken any of it. The manager has said you’d sit for a long time in the vault and just stare at the suitcase.

Robby, there is butt load of money in that bag. It’s there in case anything ever happens to me. It will always be there. ‘The Willows’ is yours too. Chuck or Parker will see to it.” And he just looked at me.

“Why?” he questioned. “Why haven’t you changed it, Ryan? I told you then it wouldn’t make any difference and it still doesn’t.” He was talking about my will.

I had changed it in case Rob went before I did. The chance of that had grown over the years. “Shut up,” I countered.

He walked over to the sliding glass door and opened it. He never paused. The necklace came off with the key sliding into his hand; he threw it into the lake.

He fastened it around his neck again closing the door. He came to stand in front of me and smiled. I just nodded at his decision.

I traced the spots on his body where I had left marks. I ran my fingertip over his scars and remembered like it was yesterday.

I leaned in and softly kissed each one then stood and did as I had done over the last dozen years. I put my hands on the side of his head pulling until his forehead rested on mine hoping his guard was down.

“Why do you want to see so badly, Ryan?” he questioned. His words telling me he still wasn’t going to let that happen.

“I’ve done so many things that I’m not proud of; things I’ve done to myself; I can’t filter that shit out and I won’t let you feel it. I’m so sorry. Stop, Rye, please stop.” He finished, knowing I was still digging.

“All I want to feel is your love, Robby. Surely you can show me that.” I begged. I couldn’t help the crocodile tears.

“My sweet, sweet, Ryan. Just because you couldn’t feel it you should never question how much I love you,” and he took my hand resting it over his heart covering it with his. “The love is in here, Ryan.”

My eyes continued to drain. The emotional waves crashed over me as my knees trembled and the warmth of Robby’s love filled me again. I knew it was there and always would be, but I hadn’t felt it in such a long time.

I stood, looking at my hand on his chest; his covering mine; our rings side by side. How had we gotten here? What did we do to deserve this fuckin nightmare? How could it have come to this? “Fuckin Cocaine people; that’s how.”

From the Author:

My dear anonymous friends; please understand and take to heart this warning. Robby was so… fucked up in so… many ways; but he turned away from me trying to find relief in other things. Cocaine; or whatever your relief is.

He never found it and you won’t either. Life can really suck; can bring you to your knees and kick you when you’re down. But, that’s fuckin, life. Be strong.

The relief and strength you seek is in those you love and those who love you. Rob and I were stronger together than apart but that is nothing special; something that is only for those of us who are different. It’s for everyone.

I ask you; those who struggle; don’t turn your back on the strength that you get from others. I can tell you the only thing at the bottom of that black hole; is death. I don’t want that for you. No one who loves you wants that.

I undid his pants letting them fall and both my hands found those perfect bare cheeks and pulled him to me then rested my head on his shoulder.

I tried to hide it; my tears, my sorrow of what was, and my longing to go back to yesteryear. He looked down surprised when I dropped to my knees and glanced up when I saw he didn’t have underwear on and he said, “They're in my pocket.” with a smile.

I held him in my hand; my favorite toy wet and winking at me, and I paused. I looked square at him and he knew. “Rye, I told you I have never ever shared a needle with anyone.

I’ve had sex with three people in the last eight years and I’ve always used a condom; every time. You are the only person I have ever made love to; and to be honest, I haven’t been with anyone since the last time with you.”

Rob and I had watched Josh die the death of those who were gay and careless. He lived life to the sexual extreme. Randy only lasted a while and then Josh lost himself in sex; casual, unprotected sex, with whomever. And in the end; it killed him, or was the death of him. That wasn’t going to happen to me.

I inhaled the aroma of him and said, “You smell so… good.”

“If you think I smell good, you should taste me,” was his reply. I couldn’t help but laugh. He had adopted another of my lines.

Rob reached down pulling me to my feet, wrapped his arms around my waist, and we stood naked at the window as he started kissing my neck; our wet twins rubbing together again.

I felt him lick a spot and I smiled pulling away; he always did that before he started sucking and I reluctantly shook my head no.

As much as I wanted it, I couldn’t risk his mark. I wouldn’t do that to Robin. I don’t think she would have ever noticed; our sex life was close to non-existent and she rarely saw me without clothes on. But still.

We turned walking to the bathroom hand in hand; he started the water looking at me waiting.

In the seven years we were together I don’t think either of us showered alone more than a hand full of times. Thousands of days this happened; the washing of each other, and we both missed it so…much.

I had only showered with Robin a few times because it was a reminder of what once was. And wasn’t anymore. It was shared with him, and only him.

Rob leaned back against the wall when I walked in and picked up the shampoo. I lathered up my hands as he watched me; he turned and I started running my fingers through his hair.

My eyes closed, but the unforgettable memory allowed me to still see him plain as day; the beautiful, blond, boy, I loved.

He turned leaning his head back as I rinsed those golden locks with his arms resting on my shoulders. He moved forward a little so he was out of the spray and again there was the tilt of the head and that smile.

I reached for the soap lathering my hands; he turned again and I started washing his back. This was heaven for me; it always was. And my eyes closed.

I felt his soft skin along with the muscles of his shoulders and arms. I moved down to those fine mounds of that still trophy-winning ass then ran my hand gently between them a few times as he clenched for me.

My hands moved back up and under his arms as he leaned back so his slippery behind was now rubbing my front and I could reach his chest.

This was our routine; washing the front of the other from behind. And that is what I did again. I was hard; real hard. My hands took the time to pinch his nipples and I felt the flex of his ass on the piece of me that rested between his cheeks.

Now using my fingernails I racked down his stomach and he quivered. He always did. I knew his body as well as my own and my fingers stopped at his scars.

I traced them as I rested my chin on his shoulder and remembered. I cried that day when I saw and felt them for the first time. He still had the stitches and they looked so angry and red against the background of his soft skin. A time I would like to forget.

I reached the nest of hair and scratched it with my nails then down to his balls completely skipping what was hard and sticking out from his body.

My eyes were still closed and I assume his were too when I rolled them in my palms; his orbs; then squeezed them. He flexed again and I squeezed a little harder as his head fell back next to mine and he let out a long breath.

I was getting close; the slipperiness of his cheeks was bringing me to the edge when I took his piece of steel in my hand pumping it a few times and he said my name softly.

He was the one moving slowly now; little pushes back and then sliding himself through the tight grip of my hand. I was there; no way could I hold it back and I exploded between his cheeks then up his back.

That was all it took for him and I felt the flex on both ends; his muscles so tight I opened my eyes to watch seven shots come from him. They catapulted from his body about four feet in the air before arching and hitting the wall.

We both kept Cuming; he was still pushing back on me and pumping in my hand until he turned and kissed me. He pulled me tight so we could feel the contractions of the other and his tongue slid into my mouth; we both moaned.

I have no idea how long we kissed; seconds, maybe minutes, maybe longer. Our kiss had no sense of urgency; soft and relaxed. I pulled away dropping to my knees looking at his still half-hard piece of wonder.

I grabbed his balls again pulling them down hard and saw a pearl come to the head. I leaned in, licked it off smiling up at him as I took Rob in my mouth. He locked his fingers around the back of my head and pulled ever so lightly; his balls still in my firm grip. Then I took his shaft in my mouth.

I reached the point where he was nudging at my throat and I resisted his pull wondering if I could still do it; if the love or desire was still there. It was. I swallowed and relaxed then pulled on his ass. The rest of him slid through my lips as they came to rest against his body. I moaned and swallowed around him pulling hard to make sure I was getting it all and rested there.

I pushed back about two inches then let him pull feeding it to me again. He was hardening fast and so was I? I opened my mouth wide and let him work those inches that had nowhere to go but; you get the picture.

I let him set the speed; pull and thrusts as his head fell back. I loved this and always had; his eagerness and want for what only I could fill. I had relaxed and he slid in and out with ease now.

He was going to cum again and I so desperately wanted it; wanted to taste what I had missed for so long. His breathing was labored, his words of love and encouragement sounded like he was trembling inside as much as he was outside.

I could feel it building as I slipped a finger inside him and now I was going to get my reward. He pulled my head back so he was just in my mouth knowing I wanted to taste it, feel it as he squirted; he knew me so well.

I swirled the first three shots around in my mouth as his throbbing head swam in what he gave me. Then he pulled on me again so I could feel his throb in my well-lubed throat and I swallowed around him.

I had been rock hard since he slid into my throat and when he pulled sinking into me again I came; almost painfully. He slid from me and got down on the floor of the shower.

He was almost lying on the shower floor between my legs and took my still drooling member in his mouth. He suckled on me as I squirmed; my shaft so sensitive; his moans at the flavor of me brought a smile to my face.

My boy released me from his oral grip pushing me back spreading my legs apart then literally drove his tongue into my still convulsing hole. At lightning speed, my hands found his head and pulled showing him what he already knew. Yes, he knew me so fuckin well.

He used his whole mouth; licking, kissing, and even chewing; my grip on his head never letting up as we moaned in unison. And all be damned if I wasn’t getting hard again.

He pulled back looking up at me with a smile, “You are such a whore, Ryan,” he said in the softest loving voice. And he kissed my growing shaft.

He stood reaching for me and we walked to the bed without even drying as he lay down before me then opened his arms. I crawled in coming to rest on top of him; my body feeling his, head to toe, and I kissed him.

His legs spread and wrapped around mine; his heels rubbing the backs of my legs as I came to rest between them as our kiss intensified.

The shower and multiple orgasms had chased everything from my mind and it was like any other night; when we were younger.

I pulled back; our lips separated and we rubbed noses. I kissed his whole face; nuzzled behind his ear then his neck. I licked as he would and then started to suck as he pulled on me showing his approval. And I lovingly marked him once again; below his collar.

I trailed those kisses and nibbles down his body until I reached my favorite toy. I just blew on it as his knees came up, his legs spread further, and I honed in on my target. I adjusted him a little licking towards his hole.

In my mind, we were boys again in our room back east. I treated him as I had that first night; searching with my tongue and using spit as the second-best lube.

Robby was eager for the invasion; more than I ever knew, and wanting my tongue more than where I wanted to put it. I could hear him as I played; my index finger and tongue working in concert as I smiled when those familiar words came from his lips in a whine. “You’re being so… mean, Ryan.”

“Tell me what you want, Jr,” I whispered. “I will do anything for you. You fuckin know that.” as I introduced my finger to the first knuckle. “All you have to do is ask.” I finished. And he pushed until the second knuckle came into play then his body sucked the whole thing in; he took a deep breath.

I knew where his button was but avoided it; I was being mean. I worked that finger with his help; massaged it back and forth then pulled it out replacing it with my tongue again.

Now I rubbed with two fingers slowly stretching him. I worked them and could feel him growing inpatient. His breathing had increased; his legs moving further apart. This was like the first time.

I wasn’t ready to relinquish the pleasure that I knew he craved; not just yet. I twisted, pushed and pulled, and again in a whimper he asked, “Why are you being so… fuckin mean, Rye?” And I smiled again.

He took control and sank into my invasion until my fingertips came to rest on that ball of nerves and I felt his whole body shake. I didn’t move; wouldn’t give him what he needed, wouldn’t allow him the pleasure just yet.

I could hear it in his breathing as I remained motionless. He was trying to work his muscles; to pull both fingers in and around that huge nut in his bowels.

“If I get carried away Robby, all you have to do is tell me to stop and I will. Promise me” I said, reminding him what I told him so many years ago.

“You’ve got to be fuckin kidding me, Ryan.” Came from his mouth as my fingers reached their limit and I spread them around that ball of nerves as he whimpered.

I massaged him; let it slide between my two fingers then I sucked one of his nuts into my mouth pulling on it hard. Everything was as it was years ago. I saw him as the sixteen-year-old boy that stole my heart and showed me what I was capable of.

I was slow; my movements planned and precise. We had both come twice and I couldn’t regroup as fast as my stallion. He had grown rigid again and was leaking as I painfully and slowly milked him.

When I pulled my fingers from his hold he moaned until I rested three and he pushed again. He was more than ready but I wasn’t yet. I needed a little more time so all three would have to do for now and they slid in with little effort.

Only the light from the bathroom was illuminating the room and our eyes were closed. It’s strange how the heart sees what it wants. I saw nothing but my sixteen-year soul mate again. Literally, I only saw him. There was nothing in my peripheral, nothing behind him; it was just another Friday night.

I had recovered; that part of me had come back to life again. We made eye contact and mine moved to the night table. He saw and shook his head no. I rubbed that bundle of nerves a few more times then removed my fingers.

I sucked on his dripping member then soaked his hole with all the spit I had. I kissed up and over him; little nips from my teeth making him squirm.

I had made the journey to his lips again and my rod was resting on his saturated hole. His hands went to my ass and he asked in the softest voice, “Love me like the first time, Rye?”

His pelvis turned up just enough and I rested directly on his hole. How could I not fuckin love him??? I kissed Robby’s soft lips as my love stick was welcomed home; the place it was always meant to be.

He didn’t resist; my head was accepted as it had always been. I moved painfully slow. It was like that first time. Our lips came together again as I slid into him a fraction at a time.

I could feel it in my chest, eyes, and heart; the tears weren’t a surprise. I think they were from both of us. And when Rob said, “Fill me up, Rye,” I could feel my chest start to quiver.

Again it was like I was twelve inches long. My length was filling him so… slow. I felt his hands; his nails digging into my ass trying to speed up what I was trying so hard to prolong. And I resisted.

“Ryan,” he pleaded. I could hear it in his voice and felt his pull increase. And then he said, “Ryan.” With urgency.

I allowed him to pull me in but I set the speed a litter faster. And when my groin met his balls he was now happy and tilted his hips a little to make sure he had everything I was offering.

I have had people tell me about the familiarity of an old lover. How a body responds to something it knows? This was so… much more.

I rested in him; his hole so hot and tight, and sucking on me the way he always did. I gave him the last little bit that only true love and desire can pull from someone.

I didn’t move. I rested in his tightness kissing his face, eyes, and nose. We had been here before so many times, had felt all that the other could give; but there would be, no Saturday night. The next time wouldn’t be tomorrow.

I pushed that thought away and started pouring my love into him. To be honest, when we made love I think we were both trying to create a child; a product of love and happiness; something that would out-live us both, something we could share when we weren’t joined like we were now.

I know that sounds like shit, but that’s what it felt like.

There was nothing but us; the love we shared and our love for each other. I gave him the best I had just like I always did and he reciprocated. It was long slow lovemaking; the kind of love that takes years to perfect; a lifetime.

Our bodies had dried from the shower but became wet again with sweat. It was like so long ago; our hearts synchronized along with our labored breathing. The world didn’t exist. It was just Robby and Ryan.

I smothered his face and neck with more kisses as I slowly and lovingly pounded away at him. His hands were on me; nails digging deeper into my cheeks and pulling as he rose up to meet me.

We had both cum twice and knew this wasn’t going to be over soon, but that was ok; we had all night.

I went to my happy place; back to ‘The Willows’ and the smaller bed that Robby and I shared so long ago. He wanted more; he wanted to control and I gave in.

I allowed him to roll us over now he was on top; the position that we both loved, and he took charge. This was his preference, the ability to pleasure himself with what I had at the same time doing the same to me.

I closed my eyes when my hands found his chest and I could feel his heartbeat. It was always so strong; raced with his excitement as he loved me.

His hips were moving back and forth and I smiled at his greediness to pleasure himself. This was my Robby. He loved me so… much and never failed to show it.

I felt it start to happen; our joined breathing became ragged and his moves were hard and forceful. His face came down to mine and little kisses were planted on my lips rubbing his shaft between us.

“Together Rye?” he begged. My heart tugged at the memory of how many times he asked me that question and how many times we were successful.

His lips met mine and we shared a kiss as he stopped moving. I could feel him squeezing the part of me that he held; every nerve in my body starting to scream for him.

This kiss was going to be the final strokes; the strokes that took us to the place when your eyes roll back and you surrender to what is to come.

I could feel us both grow; the sensation building; crying to escape. He started to whimper; small moans breathing into me as the feeling rose. I felt him around me; his squeezing making dick ake. And then fireworks.

His colors exploded as we both released. Boiling hot syrup coated the skin between us; mine filling him and seeing myself through his eyes. He moaned into my mouth; his tears falling on my cheeks and he rose and said, “Thank you, Rye.” then he dropped his head down next to mine.

Why would he thank me?

He stayed on top of me; my softening unit still resting in his grip as our breathing returned to normal. I felt his smile on my neck and I said, “You’ve got to be kidding, Rob. There is no way I can do this again.” And I felt his smile grow.

“I know Dr. Chancellor. But if you could I would be more than willing.” He whispered in my ear and nuzzled behind it with his lips.

He rose up a little allowing me to slide out of him and then he rubbed what came from him over my wilted rod and balls as he lay on me.

I felt it again; our hearts syncing up along with our breathing and my arms tightened around him as he lay on my chest. And I fell asleep in my favorite position hoping he would still be here in the morning.

When I woke up I was afraid to open my eyes because I didn’t feel him next to me, but I still felt him. My heart exploded at his touch; his finger sliding down my chest and stomach; the contraction making me smile and I opened my eyes. What a fuckin gift he is.

He was sitting naked; cross-legged next to me. He smiled as he brought that finger back up and circled my nipple than rested his hand over my heart.

“Have you been watching me sleep?” I asked. He nodded and I asked, ‘how long, Robby?”

“I watched the light as it shined on you, Rye. Ryan? Can I go with you to say good-bye to lady?” he questioned. And it broke my heart.

“Of course you can, Rob. But right now you have something I need.” I smiled as my fingers walked up his leg and took hold of my favorite toy.

He was hard in seconds and came down on me covering my body with his. I reached for the lube and handed it to him as I spread my legs and raised my knees.

He lubed me and then himself. He tried to introduce a finger and I shook my head no. He knew me so well. There are times when I want to be stretched out the old fashion way; with the toy that’d loved me for years.

He smiled down at me and I spread my legs further apart. He knee-walked over pulling my legs up resting them on his shoulders. He nudged at my hole with his rod and I closed my eyes.

He found my entrance just to rest there as his face came down to mine turning my backside up a little further. The kisses started on my neck like a feather and made their way to my cheek then lips, and I felt the stretch as he slowly pushed at me.

My hands found his ass and pulled but he resisted. His smiling face looked down on me and he shook his head no. I wanted him in me and I pulled harder and moaned when he refused.

He would only give me a little at a time not wanting to cause me pain but I wanted it and couldn’t wait. I was now rock, fuckin, hard, and my patience was running out when I felt the true stretch.

His head had gained entry but I wanted it all and wanted it now. I knew he didn’t want to hurt me; didn’t want me to regret my decision to forgo preparation.

My fingers tugged his nipples trying to pull him in but he wouldn’t increase his descent. I felt him push through and he whimpered as his seed filled me and I couldn’t help but smile.

I felt every drop that pulsed from him pulling with my legs as he continued until I felt his hair on my butt; his dick now convulsing and sliding through his juice to find the depths of my body.

Robs’ eyes were shut tight and his body shook violently as he just rested in me. I remembered the first time and the same thing happened. His lips came down on me and he said, “I love you, so much, Rye.” And he started to move.

I was full now both with his offering and my favorite toy I had missed for so… long. His tool slid back and forth with ease now coated with his cream and my eyes had closed enjoying that Robby was where he was always meant to be.

I felt him inhale deeply and my eyes focused on his as he started to move with more determination. Slow, long, and deep. He knew what I had been missing. He pinned my knees next to my head and went to town.

Again he had turned me into his withering cock whore; my body melting with his thrusts; only the way Robby could. His big shaft swam in what he had planted there as I surrendered to his love for me.

His lips came down on my chest and then he looked at me. I smiled, nodded; he licked then started sucking. He had attached next to my right nipple; both remembering what he created on my eighteenth birthday. And I pulled on him showing my approval as happy tears filled my eyes.

He continued to slowly pump and suck on me; I was basking in Robby’s love. I felt him grow completely hard again and he was moving with more determination as I squeezed him with my muscles.

He had kicked it up a notch, sweat was forming on his forehead. My hands had found his ass and I was pulling and pushing faster and harder. I was the greedy one now. He rose up and pulled almost all the way out then pushed and paused; I felt him expand, explode as he again gave me what I missed so much. And I erupted between us.

‘I’m sure I have said that body odor is offensive to me; that sweat smell. Rob didn’t have that. He could sweat his ass off and there was nothing. He never wore deodorant; it wasn’t needed. All I could smell from him was whatever soap I washed him with and maybe a hint of whatever cologne he happened to wear.’

Both our bodies trembled; his head shaking back and forth thanking me once again. He released my legs and I wrapped them around his ass as I pulled him down on me.

I could actually feel his huge deposits sloshing around in me along with his softening tool. He was kissing my neck now; that spot behind my ear that I didn’t know excised before him.

“You are still a fuckin machine, you know,” I whispered.

“No one has ever gotten what I give to you, Rye, and no one ever will. And no one has ever given me what you do.” He assured me in a whisper.

We lay like that; I could feel his cream leaking around him, it felt so good, and we dozed a little more. I woke up as he slipped from me and once the dam was broken I felt his deposit leaking onto the sheets.

It was nine when we crawled out of bed. He followed me into the shower and we held each other under the water. His arms were resting on my shoulders when he pulled back a little and looked at me.

His fingers went to my chest and he traced over the purple and red mark that was clearly visible. He looked in my eyes smiling.

“They could call you, Holly-one.” And we both broke up laughing. It was shit like this that makes life happy. We knew so much about each other; we had shared so many years and memories together that this was nothing new to us, but was.

Our laughter calmed and we just looked at each other in this naked and wet state. I reached out and pulled him to me. This was almost as bad as waking up alone.

I had no idea what was going to happen next. Was this the end of another night we stole? Was it back to what it was before now? Rob could feel my frustration and squeezed me tighter. I kissed his forehead, turned, and walked out of the shower. I stood in front of the mirror to look at myself.

Personal shit from the author:

Flash forward. Friday, March 3rd, 2017

I stood looking at myself in the mirror studying the lines around my eyes. How time has a cruel way of marking its passing. The room had a thick layer of steam partially obscuring my face in the reflection as I bent lower to see myself better.

I looked at my thinning hair; some now gray, and the white patch in my bangs that never went away after the last time. I stared at the lines on my forehead along with creases where my cheeks meet my nose. Fuckin time! I put both hands on the back of my head and pulled until all the lines on my face were gone. I liked what I saw but how fuckin vane, am I?

I glanced at the two towels hanging next to me; RJ in the corners of opposing gray and black. I didn’t dry and put on my thick gray robe with the white R embroidered on the left side. I walked out and sat in the sitting room on the wing-backed chair to look at the pictures that surrounded me. Photos are snapshots in time and I am so thankful for them most days.

My eyes found one from years ago; the one that hung in the lobby of the photographer’s studio who had taken it. I put my glasses on to see it better. I didn’t really need to because its image was etched into my brain, but I put my glasses on anyway.

I was pulled from my memory. “Grampy?”

I had forgotten about my son and his two boys who were spending the night; another fight with his wife. I looked into the blue-green eyes that studied mine and opened my arms as I took my glasses off, setting them aside. His ten-year-old frame now sat on my lap and I pulled him close.

“Why, the tears Grampy?” The sweet boy questioned as he wiped my cheeks then cuddled up on me. I couldn’t answer him. I didn’t even notice the tickle of the tears this time; the salty drops that slide down my face when no one is around.

“Why are there so many pictures of you and him, Grampy?” my grandson asked. ‘There are a lot of pictures.’ How can I explain such a thing to a child? How could someone so young really understand something that’s so-fuckin complicated?

I started the story as I had tried so many times in the past. “When Grampy was young, before your daddy.” I stopped.

Where do I start this time I wondered? I focused on the picture; my chin resting on Robby’s shoulder. We were cheek to cheek with my arms around him from behind. And my hands rested on his chest; one on his heart. The picture we gave to mom. It was a great fuckin picture.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. This one spoke volumes. We were so happy our dimples showed. Fuck; that was almost forty years ago. Fourteen thousand days have passed. That’s a long, long time.

“Robby, you have heard this all before,” I said, trying to avoid the elephant in the room again.

I felt his strong hands on my shoulders as my eldest son stood behind me. I looked at his reflection in the window. He was taller than me and had his mother’s eyes. It’s a green-hazel that changes depending on what’s around him. Travis James. ‘TJ.’

I had been so emotionally unavailable to him, both of my boys actually, and their mother. But they have never held it against me; just accepting that they got all that was left for me to give.

“No. Tell him, Dad.” He said softly. I was shocked by his words but wasn’t. He wanted to hear me explain ‘us’ to his boy. Explain why, I was, the way I was.

“That is Uncle Rob,” I started. “Yes, I think your dad named you after him,” I said smiling, answering his unasked question and I paused.

“Dad” I felt the squeeze again and he said from behind. “It’s ok, Dad, he’s ten. He will understand.”

Could I tell him? Would he really understand? Would TJ have understood at ten? Would he understand today?

My eldest son is wise beyond his years even though he is the stoner. He was twenty-one when his mom died. He stood outside her hospital room when I finally let her go; heard what I selfishly asked before the solid tone of the heart monitor signaled her demise. Where do I start? He is thirty-three now.

My chest heaved. I struggled to hold back what ached to be shared. “Robby? You ask, ‘why the tears, Grampy?’ It’s because I miss him when he’s not with me, munchkin. My body hurts when I can’t touch him.” I paused again. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks. I could feel them this time. I couldn’t help it. I felt the grip on my shoulders from behind again.

“Robby and Grampy were.” I took another deep breath. “Robby lived in this house with me when I; we made this our home for a long time. We were so happy.” Fuck!

“Give me your hand, Robby,” I asked as I rested it on my chest covering it with my own. “Can you feel how much Grampy loves you, child?” I asked.

“I can feel him, Grampy,” he said so calmly, “He takes up so much room.” ‘What a statement.’ He fuckin floored me. And his Dad squeezed more on my shoulders and large tears now slid from my eyes at his revelation.

“There’s enough room in Grampy’s heart for all of us,” my wise child revealed to his son.

“That was us, Robby. All the pictures you see. We were ‘The RJ Chancellor’s.” I said pulling his head next to mine. “He is still here with me.” And I just sat reflecting with my grandson.

“I feel both of you, Grampy.” He admitted. “Grampy?” he asked as he rested his head in my neck and started to cry. “Never forget how much he loves you, Grampy. You took up his whole heart, there wasn’t room for anything else but you,” that ten-year-old said in my ear. And my son squeezed my shoulders again. A cascade of tears now fell from our eyes; my Grandson, my Son, and me.

“Come with us this time, Dad.” He asked from behind, pulling me from my thoughts. “There’s time. We don’t leave for three weeks.” He reminded me.

After Robin died I sent both boys to ‘The Willows.’ I have never told them that it’s theirs. They will find out someday. They have gone on April 1st, every year.

“Yes, Grampy,” the child confirmed. “Come this time. We can carve our initials on the tree.”

“Our initials are there,” I told him.

If he only knew what he was asking? I thought about it. It’s been so long. I walked through my memory’s and stood on the deck; our home to the east, looking at Robby down at our tree. That’s as close as I can get anymore. I haven’t been back home since my son was a small boy.

We’ve never shared it together; Robin never even knew about ‘Willows.’ I only shared it with one person. I miss that place. But I miss that time in my life and what we shared, more.

Forty years is over two-thirds of my life. My eyes moved around the room and settled on a picture of Rob and Lady. My son remembered her. She’d retrieved a stick that Rob had thrown into the river and was sitting at his feet wanting him to throw it again. I shook my head ‘no.’

“Come on buddy. It’s time for bed,” my son said. Robby crawled from my lap and stood in front of me.

I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his; both of us closing our eyes. He has always reminded me of Rob. He pulled my hand to his chest and said, “I love you, Grampy. Can you feel it?” I nodded yes. I could feel it and more tears fell

My eyes shot open as I saw myself as he did. It had been well over twenty years. It was only a split second but I saw what he saw; the colors around me. I moved both hands to each side of his head closing my eyes hoping to see it again. “What do you see, Robby? Don’t be afraid. Show Grampy,” I pleaded.

“I see them around everyone, Grampy. You have lots of them.” And he rested his hands on each side of my head. “I’ve seen them for as long as I can remember. It’s not scary, Grampy,” he reassured me.

TJ and DJ never had it. They didn’t see or feel things. But TJ knew his oldest son had a gift. If you can call it that.

I knew what he was saying. “I only saw them around him.” I shared. “Trust what you see, little man. Now give your Grampy a kiss and dream of what makes you happy.” He kissed my forehead and I kissed Robs’ name-sake the same way.

Little RJ shared Robs’ first name, his dads and my middle name, and our last; another RJ Chancellor. He sees colors around people; most everyone, actually. I hope his journey started this time. It would pain me to think of him struggling with pasts.

The last time Rob came to me strung out I couldn’t stop myself. He was weak and I broke his trust. I needed to see what he had; probably why the color never came back in my hair. I had never seen him so mad at me as when he realized. To say we had been around; is an understatement. The memories hurt him so much and he never wanted me to feel that pain.

I always seemed to be the first to go. I’m ok with that. But to be the one left behind; the one with a hole in their life is the worst. Six times this had happened to him and each was compounded by the time before. Greif, times six. I never remembered as he did. But the memories I stole from him that night, and more lives in me still.

I sit alone now thinking how this moment wouldn’t have happened if life went as I had anticipated. I wouldn’t have my sons or grandchildren. I wouldn’t long for ‘The Willows.’ And I wouldn’t miss him as I do.

Life has a funny way of throwing you a curveball when you least expect it. Rob and I should be planning our trip back home and celebrating forty years together. Forty fuckin years!

I closed my eyes and walked through my field. I look out over my life and wonder how I got here. I don’t turn to see the bare field behind me; I know it’s there. I needn’t hold the wheat in my hand anymore; I can see the memories in the stalks before me.

My field is like a rainbow now; stalks of wheat that hold memories of him shine. In the distance are memories of my childhood and before, but they just frame what the field holds as a whole; memories of Robby. I can’t wait to see him again.

I sat at the piano playing softly. When will I see him again, I wondered? I had played this so many times. ‘The First Time Ever I saw Your Face.’ Why am I torturing myself? I sang as I had so…many times. Tears fell as they had so…many times before.

I saw my son in the glass and I turned to him shaking my head ‘no’ with him blowing me a kiss. He turned and walked away. I looked at the black and white picture; two strong men; naked with their backs to the camera. We looked out over the small river; my arm around his waist, and his head on my shoulder. When will I see you again? “Please let it be tomorrow.”

It’s funny how songs trigger memories. It’s like a smell that makes you think of or remember. I sat playing and singing until the sun came up and then made my son and his boys’ breakfast; Belgium Waffles with sausage.

TJ came up behind me. His arms wrapped over my shoulders. He was taller and can do that. “Who did you love more, Dad?” he asked. I pulled away to look at him. His question surprised me. Where did this come from?

I thought about it as I looked at him. “It’s a simple-fuckin-question Dad?” He reinforced so nonchalantly.

It kind of pissed me off. “Is it? Is it a simple-fuckin-question? Your wife and two boys are drowning; you can only save one. What do you do, T?” I asked.

It was mean and he never expected that. “Do you think it’s about love or the amount of love? He has been part of me almost three-quarters of my life. You don’t even understand what that means.” I finished kind of bitterly.

I watched so much shit roll across his face. And then he looked me in the eye. “What would you have done Dad? Me and DJ; Mom and Uncle Rob; we’re drowning: what would you have done.” He asked thinking he had me. He’d turned it around.

I thought about what he asked so impatiently. It wasn’t a hard question to answer. So I told him, “I’d have drowned.” And I turned away from him. He kissed me on the side of the head, told me he loved me and said goodbye.

I remembered almost forty years ago. I stood in the yard and saw Robby on the deck. Tears run down my face now and I shake my head. I see the blanket creases on his face and torso. I see the colors around him, so bright, as he looks at me.

I thought about it all again. What if just one thing had been off? Was this the master plan; really? Was this the fuckin master plan??? I poured some of the nectar in my hand and waited.

I closed my eyes as the buzzing started. They are so impatient. I felt them land on my hand and I opened my eyes to observe their wonder. I have been feeding the Humming-birds from my hand for months.

There are occasions when I fill my navel and watch them eat from the spot that connected me to my mother. ‘Be patent and you can do it too.’