I found it really hard to sleep after what had happened with Jake. I must have only slept for about an hour before I woke up the first time. I wanted to get up. I wanted to find him wherever he was and talk things through with him, shout at him, find out why we came so close to having sex only for him to back out at the last minute. The problem was I didn't know where he was and it was 3am so I thought it was better to wait until morning to find him.
Barely an hour later and I was awake again. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep properly until I had spoken to Jake, even though my eyes were heavy and sore, there was just too much on my mind.
I picked up my phone and was about to call him when I thought about what time it was. Then it dawned on me that he'd been drinking, surely he wouldn't have driven home... I started to panic. Even through my anger for him I couldn't help thinking that something bad might have happened and I still cared about him more than I could say so I quickly got out of bed, pulled some clothes on and left my bed as fast as I could with my heart pounding.
As I made my way down the hall I saw that Ryan's door was closed, as was my parents', but the door to the guest room was open. I had a quick look inside hoping to see Jake but it was Morgan who was sprawled out face-down on the bed.
I took a deep breath and went across to my parents' room. I closed my eyes and prayed Jake was inside as I pushed the door open but there was no one in there. Part of me was relieved that the room was clean and clear but it only furthered my worry. I needed to find Jake now.
I made my way downstairs, trying not to make too much noise but not really caring if I woke anyone because I was more concerned about Jake. I wasn't sure what I'd do when I found him but I needed to know he was okay. When I got to the bottom of the stairs I headed straight into the living room. Ajay was still sleeping on the floor but where I expected to see Jake on the sofa there was nothing. Where was he?
I ran to the window and looked out onto the driveway. A huge wave of relief hit me when I saw that Jake's car was still there, parked behind Ryan's. Either he was still here or he had walked home.
Feeling somewhat calmer I made my way into the kitchen. He wasn't at the breakfast bar either. Then I looked out of the window and there he was, Jake, in the back yard, sitting on the edge of the pool with his feet dangling into the water. A little smile curled my lips seeing that he hadn't left completely but my fists also clenched at the sight of him. I had to speak to him so I grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge, took a deep breath and pushed the door open, stepping into the yard.
I don't know if Jake didn't hear me or if he simply didn't care who it was but he didn't move or flinch at the sound of the door or my approach.
When I stood just behind him I couldn't help admiring his strong back but then my eyes moved to his head and what I could see of his face. He was staring out over the water like he was searching for something in it, like an image would magically appear in it to show him what he should think, feel and do.
I sat down beside him quietly, letting my feet slip into the water. It was cold at first and I tried hard to suppress a gasp, but it soon warmed up or at least I got used to the temperature.
For at least a couple of minutes we didn't say a word, Jake didn't even look at me, though I kept taking quick glances at him. His face was a mask of many emotions with confusion definitely being one of the most prevalent. I placed a bottle of the water by his side and just continued to sit in silence.
Another few minutes passed before he finally spoke in what was barely a croaky whisper, "I'm sorry."
I turned my head to look at him but he didn't meet my eyes, he kept staring out at the pool. "For what?" I asked, needing to hear him say it.
He took a deep breath. "For what happened. I... I..."
"You what, Jake?" I said, softly.
"I feel like I led you on," he said. "I built your hopes up and then kicked them all down."
"Yeah, you did," I said, a little harsher than I expected. Now that I knew he was okay, now that he was here with me I felt anger building inside me.
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"Why did you do it?" I asked.
He was silent again and I knew he was thinking things through. I continued to stare at him.
"I needed to see if I could," he said eventually.
"So I was just some experiment?" I replied.
"You know it wasn't like that," he sounded solemn, like a little boy who had been shouted at by his father.
"If you just wanted to see if you could fuck another guy you could have picked someone else, someone random or one of the guys at school who mentally fuck you every time you walk through the halls. It didn't have to be me. You knew it would fuck with my head one way or another and you still did it."
"I... It..." Jake stammered.
"You know how I feel about you," I said. "You know what last night meant to me. You hurt me, Jake."
"I know," Jake said. "I'm sorry."
"Why though? Do you know WHY you're sorry?"
"Because it had to be with you if I was ever going to do it. I couldn't have done it with anyone else. I couldn't have even come close to the things we did together last night if it had been with anyone but you."
"But you knew how I feel. You knew it wouldn't just be some one night stand to me. You knew it wouldn't be an experiment to me. I wanted us to make love, Jake. I wanted us to connect on a level we've never been on before. You came so close to making my dreams come true and then you shit all over them."
"Please, Ev, I feel bad enough already."
"Good," I said. "How would you feel if the girl of your dreams led you to your bedroom, stripped off all your clothes, started to sit down on your dick and then just jumped up and left you there with a fucking hard on, feeling like you'd been kicked in the balls?"
Jake looked like he was about to cry. "I'm sorry."
"I asked you, Jake," I said. "I asked you if you were okay with it. I asked you if you could do it. You said yes. I gave you a chance to back out before things went too far but you kept going. Why? If you knew you were going to back out why the fuck did you let it get so far?"
"Because it felt good," he said. "Kissing you was amazing. The way you worshipped my body made me feel hotter than I ever have before. You made me feel sexy."
"That's because you are," I said, softening slightly at how vulnerable he sounded.
"It's not the same thing," he said. "It's one thing knowing you look good, it's another feeling like you do. You made me feel like the hottest guy alive and I got a kick out of it. That's why I didn't stop you, why I let it go on."
"And let me guess, you let me suck your dick because a mouth is a mouth and they all feel good when they're blowing you?" I said, still angry.
"Yes," Jake said. "And I knew how much you wanted it."
"Is that the only reason you did it to begin with?" I asked. "You knew how it would make me feel?"
"And how did it make you feel? I don't mean physically. What did you feel inside, in your head?"
"I wanted it to work, Ev. I wanted it to light that spark inside me that would take over so I'd just be on auto pilot."
"But it didn't?"
"No," Jake sounded sad. "I wanted to like you that way, Ev. I wanted to get excited thinking about being with you like that but it didn't happen. My body was in to it but my heart wasn't. I couldn't do... THAT... and then reject you. I had to stop before we went too far."
"Was it what I said?"
"What do you mean?"
"When I begged you to fuck me."
Jake nodded. "Yes. Slipping the head of my dick into you felt so good. I was ready to push the rest of my cock in but I heard how much you wanted it in your voice and then the way you begged... It snapped me out of whatever place I'd gone to and it didn't feel right anymore. I couldn't go through with it."
It was my turn to be silent now.
"Ev?" Jake asked after a minute. "What are you thinking?"
"Honestly?" I asked.
"Yeah," Jake nodded.
I turned to look at him and for the first time since I'd gone out there our eyes met. "Part of me still wants to kiss you. The other part of me wants to kick your ass."
The look of shock on Jake's face almost made me smile.
"I guess I can understand that," he said. "I'll let you kick my ass if you want. I deserve it."
"Yes, you do. But I won't."
"Do you think you can forgive me?"
"Yes," I said. "I can forgive you. But it's gonna take a few days before I stop being mad at you."
"I get that," Jake said.
"Do you?" I asked. "Really?"
"I think I do."
I bit my lip. "Think about wrestling. Think about winning the championship and being an All State champion. How long have you wanted that? How badly do you want that? You've worked for nearly four years trying to get close, dreaming of that moment when you get there. Now imagine being in the match that would give you that status, that would win you the title, how excited you'd be, how pumped you'd be. And then think about losing. Think about having all of those dreams ripped out from under you when you'd got so close. How would you feel?"
"Devastated," Jake whispered, his voice barely a squeak.
"That's how I feel right now. Everything I wanted was about to be given to me and then it was ripped away at the last second. You were inside me, Jake. You let me feel that euphoria of finally having you in me and then you pulled out and ran."
"I'm so sorry."
"You keep saying that. It's okay. At least it will be. You get over a loss. The feelings fade and you move on. You're my best friend and that's not going to change. I just wish you hadn't done it."
Jake stared at me for a moment open mouthed. I think he was trying to figure out exactly what I meant with that last statement.
"You wish I hadn't..." he couldn't finish.
"Yeah. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to have sex with you. I wanted you to fuck me, to make love to me. I still do. If you wanted to right now I'd probably let you." I gave that thought time to linger for a moment before I continued. "But if we weren't going to go all the way I would have preferred not to have done anything at all. I was okay with that. I could handle that. I WAS handling that. You were straight, I was gay, nothing was ever going to happen."
"I am straight," Jake said. "That's why I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie to you."
"But you did. You lied by kissing me when you felt nothing. You lied by taking my hand and leading me up to my room to fuck me when you didn't want to. You lied by letting me suck your dick and you lied by pushing your cock into my ass before you decided you couldn't do it. I was ready, Jake. I was ready to give it up, my virginity, all of it, my first true fuck, to you. I let you inside me. I trusted you."
"You still can trust me," he said.
"Then be honest with me. Tell me what I need to know. If I hadn't begged, if I'd have just kept quiet instead of calling out, would you have pushed the rest in? Would you have fucked me?"
Jake looked away from me, out over the pool, into the distance and then up at the stars. "I think... I think I probably would have."
I would say I felt my heart sink but it felt like it exploded in my chest. If I'd have just kept my fucking big mouth shut I would have had all of Jake's bare cock inside me, not just the head, fucking me, filling me with his cum. Why did I have to say anything?
"What do you want me to say, Jake?"
"What you're thinking and feeling. We can talk through this."
"Fine. I'm thinking about how fucking stupid I am."
"I don't understand."
"I knew you were straight before anything happened and I knew you had your doubts but I still let it happen because I wanted it. I put my feelings aside because I wanted you. I knew I'd get hurt. I knew we wouldn't be boyfriends after this, but I still dared to hope and dream that maybe we could be. That's why I feel stupid."
"I don't know what to say," Jake said.
"That's not the only reason," I said.
"What do you mean?"
"That's not the only reason I feel stupid and why I'm cursing myself."
"What's the other reason?"
"I stopped you."
"You just admitted I was the reason you stopped. I let my urges get the better of me when if I'd have kept quiet we'd be up in bed together instead of being down here by the pool. I would have lost my virginity to the person I love more than anyone else. Do you know how much that fucks with my head?"
"But..." Jake stammered.
"Would that not have been even worse?" Jake asked.
"Think about it, Ev. We're down here now and you're pissed at me because I nearly fucked you but didn't. How do you think you'd feel waking up in a bed with me after I did fuck you? How would you feel a few hours from now when we woke up next to each other and you tried to cuddle up to me wanting more and I realized I'd made a mistake and told you it could never happen again? Would you hate me more or less then?"
Again I sat silent for a moment. "More."
"Exactly," Jake said. "That's why I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, Ev. I wish I could take it back. I wish I didn't go up to your room with you and lead you on like I did. I wish I didn't hurt you. But..."
"I don't regret kissing you."
"What the fuck?" I exclaimed.
Jake jumped slightly and looked shocked as my voice rang out into the night.
"So you regret me sucking your dick and you nearly fucking me, you wish it never happened, but you liked kissing me?" I asked, burying my face in my hands.
"Ev, I... I don't know what to say," Jake said.
"Then say nothing, Jake. You're making it worse. There's just one thing I need to know."
"What do you want?"
Jake thought about it before replying. "I want things to be like they were on Thursday. I want you to be my best friend."
"I want that too," I said, even though I felt like I was crying inside over how things had gone.
"I'm sorry I can't be what you want me to be, Ev. I'm sorry I can't make you happy the way you deserve to be. I'm sorry I can't love you the way you love me."
"I'm sorry too," I said.
"For what?" Jake asked, confused.
"For all of that stuff," I said. "And for being so caught up in a dream I couldn't see reality."
Jake said. "None of this is your fault."
"Isn't it?" I asked. "I've kept my feelings to myself for nearly two years and everything has been fine. That's why I never told you before. The truth complicates things. I was fine with how things were. I was happy. Then it all comes out and look what happens. I wouldn't have blamed you if you left instead of coming out here."
"I couldn't do that," Jake said. "Not again. I might not be in love with you, Ev, but I do love you. I care about you and I don't want you to get hurt."
"You didn't hurt me, Jake. Not in the way you probably think anyway," I said. "Yeah, I'm disappointed and yeah I'm a bit pissed off, but I never thought I'd ever even get the chance to kiss you like I did last night so I guess I'm kind of happy I got to. I didn't ever see an option where we'd be together, even if I hoped for it. I came to terms with that a year ago. I'll be fine. It might just take a few days."
"You will be fine," Jake said. "But you have to promise me something."
"Let me go."
"Romantically. Let me go. I can't make you happy. Don't waste time on me. Find someone you can be with, who wants to be with you. I want you to be happy, Ev, and I'll support you every step of the way."
I sighed. "Don't spend forever waiting for something that won't happen. That's what you're saying?"
"Yeah," Jake said.
We barely spoke after that. We sat side by side, staring up at the sky. I knew things weren't perfect between us and they likely wouldn't be for a while, but we were still friends and we'd both get over it. I was still angry but it just wouldn't stick.
Jake's words kept repeating themselves over and over in my head. Find someone who wants to be with you. That's what he'd said. I wondered if he'd still be so supportive if he knew that someone who wanted me was Tyler. Fuck. He wanted to see me. He wanted to kiss me. If Jake wasn't an option for me, maybe Tyler was.
After another few minutes Jake suggested we go inside, so we headed in and he followed me up to my room. When the door closed behind us there was a really awkward pause.
"Let's get some sleep," Jake said with his best try at a genuine smile.
I nodded and stripped down to my underwear. I climbed into bed and watched as Jake hesitated and then did the same. It was a double bed so there was enough distance between us so we didn't touch. I closed my eyes and thought about how cruel the world was. Jake was in my bed but it wasn't how I wanted him to be there after what had happened. I wanted to scream but instead I let sleep take me.
When I woke up a few hours later the room was bright with the sun coming through the still closed curtains. I turned and felt Jake lying beside me. It was such a strange feeling and I still hated that the night turned out like it had, but he was still here and he was still my best friend.
I lay still for a few minutes just looking at him, thinking about how beautiful he was as he slept. Then I looked down and noticed that the sheets that had covered us had been kicked down almost all the way so they were barely covering our knees. I sat up and then gently slipped of the bed to stand beside it so I could admire his incredible body. I still couldn't believe I had run my hands and tongue all over that last night. He had the most perfect, round, symmetrical pecs. His abs were rock hard, moving in time with his breathing. He had amazing thick thighs that I wanted to get between even now. Damn how I wished I could wake him up with a blowjob after an incredible night of sex. Instead I grabbed my phone and headed down to the kitchen to make some coffee.
The smell of the coffee brewing must have roused Ajay from his sleep on the living room floor. He stumbled in and grabbed a bottle of water before giving me a hug and telling me he had to leave so he could go to church with his parents. I laughed seeing him leave because he looked wrecked and I could only imagine what his parents would say.
I was just pouring myself a cup when Jake entered and sat down at the breakfast bar. He too was wearing nothing but his boxers like I was, leaving his gorgeous body on full show. I tried not to stare but it was so hard.
"Are we okay?" Jake asked.
I smiled, walking to the fridge to grab a carton of juice. I placed that and a glass in front of Jake and he started to pour himself some.
"We're fine," I said. "If you can get over knowing about my feelings for you and that I might be undressing you with my eyes when you're not already half naked, then I can get past what happened or didn't happen last night."
Jake laughed, "I can go put some clothes on if you want, but if you'll take them off again with your eyes I might as well not bother."
I smiled at him as I sat down opposite him. Things were relaxed between us again and we could even joke. It felt good. We were just Evan and Jake again and that was better than anything. Well, almost.
I fixed us both some breakfast and we sat back down to eat it. I was almost finished when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and through the living room toward us. I looked up expecting to see Ryan and got quite a shock.
"Hey, Ev, Jake," she smiled.
She walked straight to the fridge and pulled out the carton of milk, taking a drink straight from it. I looked at Jake to see that he had the same expression on his face that I did.
Emily's long hair was loose and ruffled, kinking out all over the place. She was wearing one of Ryan's t-shirts. It was pretty tight around her boobs but was kind of baggy, hanging down below whatever she wore on the bottom half, if she was wearing anything at all. It was only when she bent down to put the milk back that I got the answer to that question. She was wearing a pair of Ryan's boxers.
"Did you...?" I asked, looking her up and down. The biggest grin I've ever seen lit up her face. "With my brother?"
"Hey, he's hot," she continued smiling.
"You're such a slut," I laughed.
"Like you wouldn't be the same if you were given the chance. I bet you'd be begging for cock if a hot guy offered it to you," Emily giggled.
I laughed and flipped her off but I couldn't help taking a quick glance over at Jake to see that he'd tensed up. I think we both wondered for a moment if she knew something had happened between us since she was apparently just across the hall from us, but then Emily wasn't the kind of person to hold back, if she knew something she would have been asking about it.
"Hey bro," Ryan said, walking in to join us. He was dressed almost exactly the same as Emily was, in a t-shirt and boxers.
"Fuck, you two have no shame," I said.
"What's wrong, bro?" Ryan said. "I know you're still a virgin but you don't have to be so jealous that some of us do get laid."
"Fuck you," I laughed. "How did this happen anyway?"
"Oh Ev," Emily said, "Am I going to have to explain sex again? When a man and a woman..."
"Or in Ev's case two men," Ryan interrupted.
We all laughed but I still couldn't believe it.
"Seriously," I said. "How did you two end up together?"
"We like each other," Emily said.
"Yeah, Ev," Ryan said. "She's sure grown up while I've been away at college and we're both adults. What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing's wrong, I'm just surprised," I said. "I didn't think Ryan was your type, Em."
"No, he's not your type," Emily smiled. "You like your guys built with huge muscles. I like mine more compact. Your brother has the most amazing abs. When I was riding him..."
"No, no, no, no, no!" I protested. "I can just about get my head around you two fucking but I don't need to hear about it."
"Prude," Ryan laughed. "It's true though, Ev, we like each other. And we're both great in bed."
"What makes you think you were so good?" Emily teased.
"The way you were screaming last night. That third time you were howling like a monkey," Ryan grinned.
Emily pouted and playfully slapped Ryan on the arm. He acted shocked and disgusted and grabbed hold of her, tickling her, making her scream until her body was pressed against his. A second later their eyes met and they leaned in for a kiss. It was actually tender and loving. I was surprised. Maybe Emily was what he needed to finally get over Paige.
I looked over at Jake and he had a look on his face that I couldn't really read. I wanted to ask him what was on his mind but I was afraid it was something to do with us so I left it. Just then I noticed my phone light up. It was another message from Tyler.
What was he sending now?
To Be Continued...