Dear Internet

Dear Internet,

Everyday we pour thousands of gallons of hateful rhetoric into your large open whale mouth and you blast us with a blowhole full of oversaturated content.  And sometimes the falling rain of trash tastes so sweet on our tongue that our face puckers in a satisfied little smile, while other times it just makes us sad or angry.  I don’t know what I hope to accomplish by writing to you, but might I say I simply want to get some things off my chest.  I am obsessed with huge dicks.  Perhaps “cocks” is better?  I used to have a size chart in my mind that indicated that all dicks are dicks but at a certain heft or size they became cocks; let’s say 6 to 8 inches for posterity sake, but not overly thick.  If they are very thick or they exceed 8 inches you could then refer to them as huge cocks.  And if you get to the 10 inch or bigger area, I’d refer to those as monsters.

I am obsessed with dicks in general, but like Captain Ahab I have a special interest in that epic white whale, that elusive beast in the vast ocean of sexual exploits known as the monster cock.  It is hard to say exactly when these fantasies began but let us go back many years.  Back to the age of dial-up… (the darkest ages)

THE DARKEST AGES

We open on a small, scrawny nerd boy with his small group of nerd friends.  They are at lunch in the school cafeteria eating the flattest square pizza with a side of bland corn and likely discussing their latest totally awesome scholastic bowl outing.  Scholastic bowl, if you are unaware, is one of the coolest things that you get to do when you reach middle school (well, after joining the band of course) and you spend time with people who understand you and go on trips where people ask you trivia questions.  I mean, seriously, it’s kinda perfect.

Back on topic, our boy, let’s call him Andy is nestled up next to one of his oldest friends in the world, her name is Lisa.  Lisa is a beautiful and amazing presence in Andy’s life and in his young, testosterone-addled brain (and thanks in part to the movie “While You Were Sleeping” and the music of Celine Dion) Andy believes that one day he will marry Lisa and they will live happily ever after with their 3 beautiful children.  In this scenario, Andy and Lisa have been dating for 3 days and he is on cloud nine.  Andy has his friends and he has his girl and they just won the last scholastic bowl tournament.  These are the important things that matter during adolescence, but there is one last bit of adolescence that Andy just hasn’t discovered yet either due to lack of interest or perhaps just lack of knowledge.

In the cafeteria there are also more sinister forces at work.  The superior group, the elite, the jocks and the drop-dead gorgeous girls sit on a table that might as well have been off the ground a foot higher than everyone else.  At this table sits a group who has knowledge that Andy has not yet discovered, they experiment with their bodies and with each other’s bodies and they believe in their animalistic way that they have territory to defend.  They have a social hierarchy to maintain in order to keep their dominate posture.

Andy had been the brunt of several criticisms from the group of jocks, especially when he couldn’t keep up in physical education.  Every time he dropped the ball when they played basketball and they’d say “nice hands, FEET!”  When they’d laugh at his scrawny pale body and tighty whities when they were in the locker room.  He didn’t know there were options, he just knew what his mom always bought.  They criticized Andy’s ability to know things in class as if this somehow threatens them and his ability to connect with his teachers.  Andy felt small and ashamed around the other boys his age except for his friends because they seem to understand.  They seemed to be targets of the same ruthless treatment.  But recently a new word had entered the vocabulary of the bullies and Andy had no idea what it meant.  Gay.

I sometimes ponder at the sudden appearance of this word and wonder if these dumb, teenage meatheads had sensed something fundamentally different about Andy or if their constant shaming and labeling somehow became a self-fulfilling prophecy, either way, they were total assholes.  Despite how horrible and assholish (that’s a word, right?) the jocks and the drop-dead gorgeous could be it still seemed that everyone wanted to attain that status.  Everyone wanted to be accepted by this group even when they had no reason to respect any of them.  Andy and Lisa felt this desire as well.

Lisa as it turns out would eventually develop into one of the drop-dead gorgeous and while they would remain friends there had to be some betrayals first to reach such a lofty position.  During the pleasant lunch that at one moment had seemed so perfect one of the jocks rose from his table, his name was Trevor.  Trevor was not the best basketball player, but maybe the second best and he was tall and starting to develop clearly defined muscles and he even had an abundance of leg hair, which not everyone had yet.  He sauntered over to the nerd table carrying his half-eaten lunch tray, smirking the whole way, and as he passed, he spoke alien words, “Hey Lisa! I didn’t know you were a lesbian.  You must be, if you’re dating that queer.”

Trevor walked away satisfied by the laughter from his elite table of goons.  Andy would later discover that his first mistake was not reacting with indignation and utter outrage.  Instead he looked confused and probably quite stupid as he looked at Lisa sitting next to him.  She was clearly upset by the situation and stormed off.  Andy looked across the table to his best friend, Phillip, who was a pudgy, dark-haired boy trying too hard to grow his 2 chin whiskers and asked, “What’s a lesbian?”

“It’s a girl that likes girls,” Phillip answered simply as if this were a well-known fact to everyone else in the universe.

“Well that doesn’t make sense,” Andy pondered aloud, “Lisa likes me.”

“They are saying you are like a girl,” chimed in Andy’s scrawny, more shaggy-haired friend, Chester.

“Ah,” Andy shrugged, ready to let the whole thing go, but then, “what’s queer mean?”

“Like you’re gay,” Phillip answered.  There was that word again.

“A guy who likes guys,” Chester defined.

A guy who likes guys… it sounded so gross and the word “gay” was always delivered with such malicious intent.  Andy was sure of one thing; he couldn’t be any of those things.  Not because he wasn’t, but more out of survival instinct.

___

After lunch was a short recess period when they got to go outside and stretch their legs before going off to their next class.  Andy managed to catch up with Lisa there and he could tell immediately that she’d been crying.  Andy felt a sting of regret that his ineptitude at sports and all things “manly” had somehow caused his beautiful friend such pain.  And at the same time, he felt completely powerless to change the situation.

“I’m sorry,” Andy began.

“You didn’t do anything!  You just let them speak to us like that?”

“What was I supposed to do?” Andy asked genuinely knowing full well that he could not have bested Trevor in a physical altercation and clearly Trevor was operating with a whole list of insults that Andy had never even fathomed to exist.

“You should have stood up for me,” Lisa responded shortly.  Then she scanned the area and saw the nearest person she could find.  It was one of her more popular friends, Kissandra, and she was kicking around a soccer ball with some other people.  Lisa got Kissandra’s attention and made sure that she brought the soccer ball along.

“What are you doing?” Andy asked.

“Kick the ball out of Kissandra’s arms!” Lisa demanded.

Andy assessed the situation and saw the ball was securely pinned to Kissandra’s chest by her folded arms and any attempt to free the ball with a kick would likely result in kicking Kissandra’s arms or kicking the ball itself into her face.  “This is stupid! What would that even prove?”

“You have to do something for me.  Show that you will stand up for me.”

“By kicking Kissandra?  She’s not the one who said mean things.”

“Do it now, or we’re over.”

Andy felt the bottom of his stomach drop out.  He saw his happy ever after fantasies burning through like an exposed film roll in his mind and more than anything, he wondered how in a single hour everything could have gone so terribly wrong.

“I won’t do that,” Andy replied reluctantly.  He knew this was all a ruse, an excuse.  Lisa had desires to raise her social status and today she had just discovered that her would-be boyfriend was going to hold her back.  Andy was the millstone around her neck.  He understood it and much of his heart was broken by it, but she would still be his friend for years to come.  After all, you can’t think you’ve met the love of your life at the age of twelve.

__

At this point you might be wondering why this is such a tale of woe, but I encourage you internet to bear with me a bit longer because it can only get worse.  Andy mulled over his sudden downfall for weeks and he fretted over all his crushed dreams and he listened to more Celine Dion than ever before.  Celine Dion is amazing.  But in the darkest hour he was given the opportunity to watch over his aunt and uncle’s pets while they were away on vacation.  Their house was immediately next door to his own house and Andy’s parents, Dan and Renea, knew that their darling oldest son was the perfect model of trustworthiness.  So, they said he could stay at the house next door all alone while he watched the two adorable orange and white Brittany Spaniels.

It was rare to see, but in his aunt and uncle’s house was a personal computer with the capability to connect to the internet.  It did so through a horrifying box contraption called a modem that used phone signals (that sounded similar to a fax machine) to connect.  Then over the course of 1 hour you could load a single page full of images and content.  Andy was not really supposed to use the computer, but he had a burning question that he had been dying to know more about.  So late at night when he was certain no one would try the phone lines (because the internet would tie that up too) he crept over to the computer and waited 1 hour for a search engine to load.  Then he typed his question word into the search bar: GAY – enter.

Top search results yielded things labeled big GAY cocks, his first big GAY cock, GAY cocks

Cocks, cocks, cocks… “well, what are those?” Andy wondered.

So, he clicked on the first link and waited maybe 20 minutes for the banner to appear at the top of the page and before the rest of the page even completed Andy got his first glimpse of a huge cock.  It took up the whole screen and it filled his entire field of vision.  He felt a strange surge of emotions and a tingle in his groin.  His strongest emotion was envy.  Andy has what I would describe as a dick, but on the screen was a huge cock.  Andy massaged briefly at the tingle in his groin before coming quickly to his senses and closing the browser.  He then disconnected from the internet and switched off the computer.

Andy went to the bed and lay there with heart racing and eyes wide awake.  He touched his groin again and felt that he was very hard.  He’d experienced unexplained moments of hardness in class when his pants were tight or when he woke in the mornings, but never like this.  There was something unfamiliar happening that was also quite exciting.  The thrill of it all: breaking the rules and getting on the computer, pulling up the dirty word online, and then seeing the huge cock on full display.  Andy pulled down his underwear and began playing with his erection.

It was quick work and he came quickly and every time he closed his eyes, he could see the image of the huge cock burned into his mind.

__

Andy was paid for his time watching the dogs, even though he would have done it for free and he returned home with new information.  Suddenly, the word GAY, the one thing he swore he could never become for his own survival was also followed by this sweet memory of his first real experience with masturbation.  He chose to let sleeping dogs lie and not give the entire affair any more credence.  It was a one-time thing and they did not have internet at home, so the temptation was removed.

Andy went to school and had a normal boring day where he did normal boring things and spent time with his nerdy friends.  Andy had every thought that life would carry on like normal.  His parents at dinner seemed unusually solemn, but they asked how everyone’s day had gone which was normal and his brother, John, refused to eat his vegetables like normal.  All normal.

Then came the not so normal part.  After John had been carefully put to sleep in his own room, both of Andy’s parents came to his room.  Dan and Renea each took up positions on either side of the bed and Andy felt a sudden urge to jump out the nearest window.  They then detailed a horrifying concept that everything on the internet is not secret.  The internet in fact had a special place called the history which revealed everything that had ever happened or had ever been searched on that computer.  Andy listened as a lump rose in his throat and the horrifying realization that his parents knew what he had seen.  His aunt and uncle also knew what he had seen.  The huge cock.

“Do you have anything you want to tell us?” his mom finally asked.  The moment to confess, the moment to do what is right.  In his mind a tiny voice screamed “DENY, DENY, DENY!”

Andy’s mouth was dry, and he was already fighting back the urge to cry but he managed to say, “No.”

“You won’t be in trouble, son,” his dad added, “we just need to know.”

Andy’s mind darted around for an answer and found something to hang onto.  The best way to tell a lie is to add a little bit of truth to it.  They knew he had searched the word “gay”, but they had no way of knowing his immediate response to the results.

“Someone used the word gay at school,” Andy responded, now clearly in tears despite his best efforts, “and I didn’t understand what it meant.”

“You shouldn’t use the internet like that,” his mom scolded, “especially after you were specifically told not to do that.  You should never have seen those things, but luckily your aunt and uncle have cleared that history.”

(This was a bit of information that at the time seemed insignificant, but it bounced around and settled deep in the back of Andy’s memory: the history can be cleared)

“Being gay is wrong,” Andy’s dad added, “It says so in the Bible.”

“Being gay is as bad as murder.”

Andy suddenly realized why all the kids treated that word with such utter disdain and why it was a strict no fly zone for any future fantasies.  As bad as murder.  He would have to bury this entire experience deep under 20 tons of mental concrete.  The huge cock would shrivel up in cold storage.

As a family they read some Bible passages and recited the Lord’s prayer to make sure that the demons at work were banished forever.  And as soon as Andy’s parents left the room, he lay in the dark, wide awake, thinking about that huge cock.