Embracing the slut inside me

This chapter is about myself and how my Dom changed me. I, who lived his life in a delusion and it took me a long time of coaxing and manipulation to come to terms with my side I always hated and never accepted. The story is exaggerated even the characters and there will be fictional characters to make story more appealing and erotic as my Dom instructed. But my anger issues and confusion are real and Im also in shape despite my age. So get ready to dive down in an erotic journey of how my Dom transformed a hot headed, muscular old hunk into a completely new being.

If you like them doesn't forget to comment email and if there are old, muscular men like me who are living in a delusion can submit to my Dom.

My name is Darius David Sterling and I am 54-year old father of a beautiful 20-year old daughter called Sophie. I have spent most of my life in Sherrill in upstate New York just outside Syracuse. It is a small and quiet place with no big city crowds or noise, and I have grown to really love the peace I have found here. My wife left this world fighting cancer a decade ago leaving me and my daughter alone. It has been a tough time bringing her up as a single parent, but I coped and think I did okay. She may now be 20 but that does not stop me from caring and worrying about her. She has her own life and there are many things in the modern era that I don't fully understand, and this has caused some conflict between us. She has a boyfriend called Joe. I don't like the kid at all, he is irresponsible, careless and thinks with his dick rather than his head. We argue about him a lot and I wish she was not with him. But, of course, she won't listen to me. Kids of today don't like to take responsibility and all they think is about is sex, pleasure, and more sex. His father may be rich, and my daughter might love him wholeheartedly, but I can't let her ruin her future staying with such a useless jarhead.

The other topic that has created the most distance between me and my daughter is my anger. I admit I do have anger issues especially when it comes to my family. I can't control it, but it doesn't mean I'm a wild uncontrolled beast. My tall, muscular body combined with my rough masculine features usually scare the hell out of people, even that stupid idiot Joe. My outbursts and actions have led to a certain level of notoriety in our small neighbourhood, but I am trying my best to control myself and think before I act.

Despite these issues I was doing okay, earning money, and living life quite well. Little did I know a hurricane was about to blow through my world and mess up everything. This hurricane had a name, and that name was Howie.

I'm a completely gym rat, standing six foot five inches tall, the tallest in my area with handsome but strict facial features and black hair with a distinguish hint of silver-grey starting to appear. I won many wrestling contests in my youth and still love wrestling every chance I get. I like to look good and so I have a specific diet to follow. I spend four hours a day five times a week working out and the results are huge. My hairy chest is 55 inches, with 20-inch big bulging biceps, broad shoulders, thick neck, V-shaped waist and perfectly meaty washboard abs and with the extra work I have done recently my six pack is transforming into an eight pack. My thighs are also massive so, in short, I'm a complete body builder. I am proud of my body and consider myself the epitome of masculinity and I am not shy in making sure everybody knows it.

After the death of my wife I spent even more time in gym focusing more on my muscle than my sex life. Women and even young girls drool to see my perfect muscular body. Now I work as a gym trainer in my gym which gives me lots of opportunity to flirt with the ladies. Along with the rest of my perfect body I am blessed with a 9-inch dick and I have great pleasuring rocking the world of every woman I can with it. The only downside is this is another reason for my daughter to hate me because her female friends basically ignore her and focus on flirting we me whenever I am with her. I never did anything about it as I considered myself as a father figure in their lives and not a boyfriend.

Howie. He came to town from New York City for a construction project. He was the project supervisor and a complete and utter nerd. Nobody who saw him could explain how this five foot seven inch slim fem-boy twink managed a team of well-built construction workers. I was disgusted at him from the first time I saw him. To me a man is supposed to be masculine, strong, and express authority and Howie had none of these things. I hate it when men act like women and his personality resonated more with of a woman than a man. To top it all off he was also clearly gay. I hate gays. Whenever I saw him around the town, doing groceries or whatever, he was always mincing around with those stupid headphones on his head dancing and grooving in his own world oblivious how annoying it made him look. Then to make things worse he had the audacity to join the gym so now I am forced to watch him regularly lifting tiny weights while I workout and train him.

That Thursday, when it all started, I was walking up the stairs to the gym looking at my phone and editing some pics that I had taken the other day when I bumped into someone bounding down the stairs. It was quite a jolt and this guy went headlong into in my chest and was about to fall when I grabbed him pulled him back up onto his feet. However, I underestimated his weight, and rather than just pulling him up he was so light that I pulled him with a thump back into my chest.

"Are you blind you maggot!", I said, frowning to see that fem twink with his headphones on his annoying fag boy head.

"I'm sorry sir", he said in his little feminine voice.

I ignored him and continued up to the gym as I was eager to start my workout. That was my first face to face encounter with Howie and I never thought anything was every going to come of it -- how wrong I was!

I already worked as the trainer there and Jimmy, the owner told me he had a new client for me.

"Darius, this is Howie. Howie this is your trainer, Darius David", said Jimmy introducing us.

I shook his hand gripping it tightly crushing his offer hand with mine while putting on my most unwelcoming look. I don't like fags, but I had to perform my professional duties as I loved this job.

I treated him just like any other beginner. His body clearly showed he was not a regular at the gym which meant it was not difficult. The only bad part was when I had to touch him. Just as I thought I could cope with it he made it much worse. When I handed over a 5kg dumbbell he had the audacity to start hitting on me just like all pathetic faggot trash do.

"You have a really amazing and ideal body for your age", he complemented.

"I wish I could have abs like you have old man", he continued.

I was in my wife beater shirt, but my solid eight pack abs were visible. I smiled with mixture of pride and inward disgust at his total inferiority. Time to put him in his place.

"But, you can't have those boy cuz guys like you don't come to the gym to workout, you're here for other reasons aren't ya boy", I retorted harshly not even trying to keep the contempt out of my voice.

The friendly smile on his face vanished instantly and I could feel him stop for a moment but as I was moving his arm up and down working the dumbbell so he couldn't stop. I thought I had made a mistake by saying that to him but immediately thought who the fuck cares what this faggot thinks. It was a fact he joined gym just to perv over guys working out, guys like me. The remaining time he remained silent, didn't utter a word. I guess he actually was upset with what I had said but the session was over and I truly didn't give a fuck what he thought, and I just got on with a couple more training sessions with regulars and then my own workout before I headed out to my car to drive home.

I was about to unlock my car but heard a noise across the carpark that caused me to stop. The noises continued and I followed the sound back to the building and as I moved around the corner the noises, clearly sexual in nature, got louder. It was dark and I tried to hide myself to see what was going on. What I saw was a man kneeling in front of another man who was rocking his body and moaning louder. His hands were pressed on the little man's shoulders and was verbally muttering dirty words eyes shut.

"Yes, you like dicks don't you. You are a natural at this", he groaned as he moved to and fro.

"I'm close...uhhhhh", he panted.

He was fucking the hell out of the mouth of the guy on his knees. I focused and realised it was Jimmy and the twink in front of him was none other than Howie. I was disgusted at both of them. What the hell were they doing. I was not really able to process Jimmy's involvement in this, he was married and if his wife found out about this she would kill him. Banishing those thoughts from my mind I was at least right that this stupid fem boy was after dicks after all. It was so weird that I should have turned around towards my car and went home but I just stood there.

"Boy you are so good ..even my wife couldn't suck me like that. Ughh. Yeah", Jimmy complemented.

He was moving in and out and that fem boy was blowing him off like a pro. It was not my first time seeing a man servicing another man as in my high school I had seen few boys playing around with each other. But it was so disgusting. Disgusting enough that I didn't even realise I was getting hard. For no specific reason I just stood there and observed them. I should have left, it was none of my business, but I just stood there watching them.

Just then Howie opened his eyes and looked at me. When I realized I embarrassingly rushed away and sat in my car. I managed to convince myself he hadn't seen me and had just looked in my direction, but my heart was racing and my dick was rock hard. I was disgusted with myself. Why was my dick hard? I tried to erase the whole thing from my mind and headed home.

I got home to find yet another paper note from Sophie saying she was going out and would be back later. She didn't dare to ask me upfront. I tore the paper in as many pieces I could. I was feeling a little tired and then suddenly there was darkness around me. But, I knew what was going on it was my glucose level that was down so I quickly brought out a cola from refrigerator. I was annoyed I had forgotten the candy I kept in the car that, due to my age, I now needed after an intensive workout to stop these feelings of faintness and keep my glucose levels up. After drinking the entire can I felt a little better. As I recovered that that scene from the carpark flashed into my head and I instantly I got a hard on. It had been weeks since I jerked off and I was feeling it bad right now. I thought to spend some kinky time watching porn and getting off tonight.

Next day was Wednesday and in the gym Howie had another training session booked with me. I carefully observed his expressions to try to determine if he had seen me watching in the carpark last night. While I helped him bench press he gave me an odd look I could not workout and then just as worryingly he smiled. This son of a bitch was mocking me and so I let go of the bench press bar to teach him lesson and it cracked onto his chest. It was not that heavy, but his tiny body must have felt the pain.

"My apologies", I smirked and effortlessly lifted the bar off his chest.

The rest of the session continued in near silence and just like yesterday I had a couple of other training sessions and my own workout to do before I was ready to head home. As I came into the carpark I once again heard the now familiar noises and despite my brain telling me to go home, I started walking towards the sounds and like yesterday. I had expected to see Eddie but instead I saw Howie providing his sexual services to a new man. He was Stanley, the gym handyman, who was around Howie's age but taller and significantly bigger. I stood there with watching Howie blowing his dick. My own dick was twitching in my shorts, and I was feeling hot. But this time, before Stanley could reach his climax, and before Howie see me, I left and headed off home.

Just like last night, Sophie was not at home and just like yesterday my primal need overtook me and I was on my bed naked, watching porn and jerking off. Tonight however, I could not shake that carpark scene and I for no reason couldn't cum I started searching man to man blow job videos online. My heart was pounding. I looked around to see no one was watching me, even though nobody else was home, and I clicked at a video where a twink boy like Howie was blowing a big strong man. My brain was telling me I shouldn't be watching this stuff, but I didn't care and didn't stop. I started jerking off my 9-inch meat and soon reached my climax splitting out load after load of my manjuice.

Howie was not booked for a session on Thursday, but it did not mean I was any less annoyed at work. I was sick of training these stupid young boys who just wanted quick results without putting any effort. The modern generation of today is so slow and delicate. It makes me sick, there are no shortcuts and getting a good body takes hard work and commitment. I haven't eaten a full carbohydrate meal for many years, and I built all the muscles I have naturally without using any steroids. But these kids just don't see it that way. A few days ago I had seen a rookie Sam and a twink boy Connor injecting themselves right there in the gym. I confronted them but I know my advice fell on deaf ears.

While I was in gym finishing off my workout Sophie was at home with Joe and her old college friend from New York where she studied fashion designing but had met him through the dramatics society where he was president. They had become good friends and was delighted when he told her is was going to be in town for a while managing a construction project.

"You don't know my dad. He is so conventional and controlling", Sophie explained to the two men across the table.

"He never understands me and always acts like a boss. He must understand that I'm an adult and can take my own decisions and I don't need his permission or him now", she continued.

Joe smiled at her supportively and she smiled back loving him so much right now. He college friend however, held up his hand to stop her rant.

"So what if your dad thinks the same?", he asked.

"What do you mean Howie?", she replied confused by the question.

"I mean what if your dad also thinks you don't understand him", Howie shot back at her.

"See Sophie, you never spent a lot of time with him. You went to New York to study, your dad was alone, your mother was not with him. You came back with a different open mind and modern thoughts while your dad stuck to his conventional way of life. If you expect him to understand you, isn't it only reasonable you must do the same for him", Howie continued explaining, trying, but failing to keep the lecturing tone out of his voice

"I think Howie is right", Joe agreed earning him a daggers look from his girlfriend that instantly shut him up.

Sophie didn't say anything and continued staring at the cup in her hands. She always expected her father to understand her without ever thinking about his opinions or trying to understand him.

"I'm back.", her dad's voice bringing Sophie back from her thoughts. She stood up and went to greet her father thinking about what her friend has said.

"That fem gay boy didn't come to the gym today. I was so glad that God blessed me with a day when he won't be giving me faggy looks", Darius said to his daughter as she came into view in the hallway.

He then headed off to the kitchen and started making his protein shake unaware everyone, including Howie, could hear everything he was saying. Sophie followed him into the kitchen

"Who are you talking about dad?", she asked.

"That stupid fag Howie", he replied and returning to preparing his shake.

"Shhhh, dad, shhhh", a dumbfounded Sophie pleaded.

"Why? Is someone in the living room?", he asked.

"It's your stupid boyfriend. Isn't it?", he continued in a whisper.

"Yes, but someone else is here too", Sophie explained.

"Who?", Darius replied while he poured his shake into a glass and then heading for the living room.

"He is my friend from college. We were members of dramatics club back then", Sophie responded trying to catch her dad before he got to her friend.

As Darius entered living room he was completely shocked to see Howie sitting there. His glass nearly fell from his hand. He looked embarrassed at his daughter who was just as red in the face has her father. If he had looked at Joe he would have seen the smirk he was unable to keep off his face.

"Nice to meet you Sir and I couldn't come to the gym today because your daughter invited me here", Howie said as he stood.

"But I'd better leave as I refuse to stay in a place where I am clearly hated so much", he stated as levelly as he could before he turned to leave.

Howie was really hurt by Darius' words and he had to get out of there before he lost it. He thought that the old man had anger issues because he lived alone and didn't make friends but that was no excuse and he was nothing but a disgusting and vile person at heart who had no right to judge or look down on others just living their lives. Howie refused to be stopped by Sophie as he headed for the door slamming it loudly as he left.

"Thank God he left. That disgusting homo", Darius exclaimed and shrugged his shoulders returning to drink his shake as if nothing had happened.

"Seriously dad?", Sophie almost yelled at him.

"I'm ashamed that you're my father. Here I thought I was being a bad daughter but the real bad person here is you! You don't care about me. You don't care about anyone but yourself!", Sophie continued yelling

With this Sophie burst into tears and stormed out of the room. Joe who had changed from smirking to shocked silence could not be quiet no more.

"Sophie. Wait babe.", he called after his girlfriend. The turning to Joe

"You fucked up big time man. She's never going to forgive you for this.", he mocked

"And, get this old man that guy you called a fag had actually just convinced her to workout all her differences with you. So, what did you do? Insult and mock him and totally embarrass her.", Joe continued

"All I can say I am so glad you are not my father", Joe finished triumphantly.

He turned and ran after Sophie. Seconds later the front door slammed again and Darius was alone.

Darius fell on the sofa punching its arms.

"FUCK!!".

Friday morning in the gym and I saw Howie lifting dumbbells. I had thought to myself that Howie was not going to be around for long, the project was ending in a week or two and then he would be gone. I was feeling bad about my attitude towards him or more accurately bad about what him being in town had done to my relationship with my daughter. I still hated him not just for what he had made happen but also for what he was and what he represented as a gay fem boy. What I did yesterday was wrong but none of this would have happened if he had not turned up so there was no way I was going to apologise. I would have to try to make it up with Sophie once he was gone. Then, just for a second, I thought about my anger issues, was this really my fault, was I the jerk here and did I owe him an apology. I soon dismissed those thoughts and got to work as a trainer helping Sam lifting some free weights. He was doing it wrong but the young buck he was he did not want to listen to my advice. I moved on to help the other guys working out in the room. Try as I might my thoughts kept coming back to Howie and how, somehow, this really was all my fault.

With nobody else needing help I looked at him smiled and headed over to help him with the bench press.

"Let me do this", I said to him as brightly as I could.

I took the weights and set them. He was stubborn but did not try to stop me.

I spent a couple of minutes setting up the weights and even wiped the already perfectly clean bench. I was trying to muster up the courage to say something. Something I did not want to say but for some reason my brain kept coming back to and clearly was not going to stop until I did.

"Hmmm...I didn't mean what I said last night Howie", I blurted out.

He didn't respond.

"Complete a three sets of these", I advised and left.

Howie left about 30 minutes later. The rest of the day passed without event but by the end of the day I was starting to steal myself for what I knew I was going to face when I got home to Sophie. When I got home I was surprised that there was no note telling me she had gone out. I could hear her in the kitchen so I headed in ready to apologise and try to make it up with her. I had failed with Howie and just hoped I could get through to Sophie.

"Sophie I'm sorry for hurting you sweetie", I said pleadingly as I walked into the kitchen.

She looked up at me, and while I could clearly see the anger, I could see she was also hurt and upset. Her eyes were watering and my heart was broken for what I had done to here before she even spoke.

"Howie said to me that I was being a bad daughter by not understanding you. He said that you must have felt alone after mama's death especially as I was too young to support you. He told me it was wrong that I had done nothing to try to understand you since. I felt like I was a really bad daughter to you dad", Sophie sobbed.

"No sweetie you are the best daughter, a blessing that I love so much", I hugged her.

"And I'm sorry for being so angry and ...hurting Howie", I continued trying to console her.

I was still surprised that Howie had said that to her and I felt a strange pang of pity for him too. Dismissing the thought I needed to focus my attention on my daughter.

"Dad I'm sorry for never sharing my feelings and thoughts with you. I never allowed you to take part in my life decisions and always misbehaving to you", Sophie was really crying now.

"No sweetie. Don't cry. I can't see you this way", I pleaded

"The truth is I have never been a good father and I am not a good human being. My aggression and conventional life always took hold of me but I'm trying to act better and please, please believe me I never wanted to hurt you", I explained

Sophie sobbed for a while, but she did relent and let me hug her. As the sobbing sub-sided she had a request

"Dad. Talk to Howie, he is so hurt by your words."

I looked her straight in the eye.

"Yes, I will", I promised

Internally I sighed because it was time to put my ego aside and difficult as it was going to be I needed to properly apologise to him.

On Saturday morning I was up early I went to the construction site where Howie worked to make peace with him. I hate gays, and I never see that changing, but I love my daughter and if apologising to him will make her happy then I will do it.

"Is Howie here?", I asked the first worker I saw.

I was directed across the building site into a little office cabin. I entered the office and saw him discussing the project with someone I did not know.

"Mr Darius, Is everything alright?", he asked, confused and surprised to see me there.

"Is Sophie alright?", he continued.

He looked worried and it pleased me, despite myself, to know that there are people who care for her besides me.

"Yes she is fine.", I assured him.

"I wanna talk to you", I said after a pause.

I was never good with saying sorry so I needed to get over with it as soon as possible. I stood fidgeting while Howie returned to talk to the man he was with about the project. They talked for another good few minutes making me feel uncomfortable just standing there. Normally I would have left but I had promised my daughter I would talk to this boy so I stayed where I was while he continued his discussion. I had no idea what they were talking about but he was surprisingly direct with this man, clearly a worker on the site, making it very clear what he wanted done. After a while it obvious the conversation coming to an end and the worker seemed please to get away from his boss and could not get out of the office quickly enough.

"What do you want?", Howie almost spat at me while the worker was still leaving.

The worker seemed to give me a knowing glance as he left and I turned my attention to Howie who I must admit was looking pretty decent in his engineering suit and nothing like the fem boy twink I saw around town or in the gym.

"I...", I started hesitantly.

"I was saying...that...I was saying I apologise for what I said earlier. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Accept my sincere apologies", I asked as contritely as I could.

My head was down as I was so embarrassed apologising to this boy. As I finished speaking I looked up to see the surprised look on his face.

"We'll talk later Darius. I have work to do confirming this plan. I'll see you in gym", he said dismissing me.

There was no further conversation and someone called Howie out of his office and he had to leave. I was left alone but collected by thoughts and turned to leave myself. Back out on the site I could see Howie was talking to a man about my age telling him the project was on schedule and would complete next week. I assumed the other man was Howie's boss with the way he was talking to him but something about this other man looked familiar. As I headed for my car I could not help but catch the final part of their conversation

"Who was that man?", his boss asked.

"Oh him...he's the dad of one of my friends", Howie replied.

"Yes, Darius David. We went to same school...", his boss said.

So that was it this guy was an old school friend but I still could not place him in my mind. It nagged me slightly as I drove to the gym and to work. I did not even notice the boner rising in my shorts.

In the gym I was really anxious about what Howie would say when we meet. I had never felt like this before. I had to apologise to someone who was way younger and physically inferior to me. It was as annoying as the hell, but I was contented I kept my promise with Sophie. I would do anything for her even this. This time I felt my dick stir and was confused but ignored it and got to work training.

Through the day my mind kept drifting to Sophie, Howie, even her idiot boyfriend Joe. My dick had a mind of its own and I had to do something I almost never did and jerk off in the wash room at the gym looking at porn on my phone. After that I was able to focus more on work and even managed to get Sam doing free weights properly so by the end of the day and after a great workout of my own I was feeling good as I headed to the carpark and my car.

It was rather late and nobody was there when I heard my name.

"Darius", I turned around and it was Howie.

"Yes boy", I replied confidently but inside I was not confident at all and I was sure he could not see my discomfort.

"You came to my office today. I'm glad that aggressive Darius is actually is not a complete devil.", he said aggressively.

"Just kidding. Yeah...I accept your apologies", he said with a smile a few second later.

I was relieved. Far more relieved that I thought I would be or should be for some twink forgiving me for something but maybe it was because it was for Sophie.

"So, if you want I can take you home", I said formally.

"No. I have my car. But if you wanna do a favour then....can you do one thing for me?", we asked

"Yeah sure...", I shrugged my shoulders.

He walked towards me closer and closer, close enough that I could inhale his musky sweat. He looked up and stared in my eyes. It was weird situation for me, his eyes were dominating me and I was taken aback. I actually took a step backwards and bumped into my car.

"So what's it?", I asked him with a confidence that suddenly I did not have.

I pumped out my chest to hide my confusion. He stepped closer again right into my face but I could not back away.

"I want you to accept who you are Darius and stop living in a delusion", he said with a dicky smile.

His words left me frozen on my feet as he walked any got into his car and left.

What did he mean by that comment, what delusion? I was confused. Maybe I knew what he meant. Maybe he knew. I am happy with who I am. He was wrong. My life was great or at least it would be once he left town and I got back to making it up with Sophie. I aggressively unlocked my car and drove to home gritting my teeth not even noticing the obscene bulge in my shorts.

Sophie was out for a Saturday night with Joe when I got home so I tried to follow my normal routine of a protein shake and meal before doing some paperwork and bed. My mind was all over the place and I could not concentrate. I could not help thinking about Howie and what he had said. How could some fem boy twink be doing this to me. Trying to take my mind off him I went online to look at porn but nothing worked until I went back to the site from a few days ago of men sucking dick and I blew one of the biggest load I could remember. In bed however my thoughts returned to Sophie and then Sophie and Howie, and from Howie to Jimmy and Howie, Howie and the handyman Stanley, Howie and his boss....

I fell into a restless sleep with dreams I would never reveal to anyone.

Sunday was even worse, the gym was closed so all I could do was pace around my place reflecting and fuming about what had happened on Saturday night

I was working a late shift Monday and at 6pm when Howie came in for his workout I was furious with him for ruining my weekend.

"Leave my arm old man. It hurts", Howie complained.

He struggled to escape from my hold, but it was in vain. I took him to my private room so that nobody could hear or see anything.

"So, what did you mean Saturday night?", I asked him angrily.

"You know what I meant", he taunted.

"I'm not.... not.. gaylike you. Understand boy", I protested in a low voice.

There it was. I had said what had been tearing me apart for the best part of three days. Was I gay? There was no way. I had a great life. I hate gays. All I needed was for this faggot to get out of my face and out of my life and everything would go back to normal in my life in my peaceful town.

"Really?", he said into my eyes.

I was hot headed and could easily beat the crap out of him if I wanted. Anybody who saw the look that came over me then knew to get out of my way and run for the hills. The last thing anyone would do when I was in a rage, if they did not want a beating, was not to look at me. Yet here he was, this gay pretty boy, facing off eye to eye with me.

"Yeah, really. You're the fuckin' faggot here. I've seen you with Jimmy and with the handyman. Is this some kind of weird shit to grab my attention to get a chance to swing on my dick. That's it isn't it?", I shot back.

Howie just ignored my rant.

"Michael Grey. Do you remember the name old man?", he stated triumphantly.

There was shock in my eyes. I quickly lowered them and looked away from him. Fuck, I thought what do I do now?

"No, I don't know anyone by this name", I replied weakly.

"Yes you sure know him old man. When you came to my office yesterday he saw you leaving. He is the head of the project and asked me about you. Can you guess what he told me about you?", Howie crowed

My heart stopped beating. Michael Grey, I knew him very well. I was frozen to the spot just like a rabbit in the headlights of a car with the inevitable crash coming with Howie's next words.

"Cat got your tongue Darius", Howie taunted again.

"Well let me tell you what he told me", Howie continued.

Howie then went on to recount his discussion with Michael about me. He went on to say Michael has told him I was the star player of the school wrestling team, the most handsome and dicky man in high school and a notorious womaniser. I knew what was coming though and Howie did not stop there. Michael had clearly told him everything. Howie really getting into the flow of the story of my school days continue explaining Michael had said that very few of us knew something about me that I myself never accepted. Despite dating several girls in our high school, I was into boys and had fucked a few. I had the perfect dick and gay boys loved blowing me off. I was gay but I never accepted that.

I was breathing heavily remembering and it was true I did fuck boys at school including Michael Grey. Michael had doted on me telling me how handsome I was and how much he loved my strong sweaty body and mighty meat dick when I pounded him. The thought of Michael caused my dick to stir but I was still glued to the spot, what else did Howie know.

Howie went on to say Michael had explained to him it was my father, the town priest, who had drilled into me the mantra that men marry women and anything else is a sin. I had clearly been forced to deny I was gay and to live a lie as a straight man. Michael has said it was clear to him and those that really knew me that despite my stubbornness and denial I could only be happy with a man. He was not surprised when Howie had told him about my reaction to him and my anger issues and just said classic case of a closet gay denying who he really is.

With that Howie turned to me accusingly and said

"Still want to try to deny you are gay, Darius?"

"He is telling lies. I was never into men and it was just a phase", I said turning my head towards the wall as a spoke unable to hold his gaze.

"You sure love your delusional life. If that's true then why didn't you marry again when your wife died?", he retorted.

Not waiting for my reply he continued.

"Forget about marrying you've not even dated a woman since. Sophie told me that you and her mother had a loveless marriage and she even wanted a divorce but your shithead father would not allow it and even when he died you were so wrapped up in your bullshit conventional life you would not even discuss it.", Howie accused.

I was unable to speak, lost as my world was crumbling, but he was not done.

"You've ruined three lives here not just yours but your wife's and Sophie's too. Am I right old man?", Howie berated.

No one except for Sophie had ever talked to me that way. I was in shock I did not know what to do. I was clear I had to say something

"No that's not true", I pleaded weakly in denial.

Howie snorted in laughter mocking me to my face.

"Now to look at you. You are so muscular and are never out of the gym even working there training others when not working out yourself.", he stated

"You know why?", he asked

"So that you can satisfy your gaze old man and perv out on male bodies", he taunted answering his own question.

"No", I yelled but my voice seemed to betray me.

"Yes old man. It was obvious to me you were gay, even without talking to Michael, when you saw me sucking Jimmy and then Stanley but did nothing. My gaydar is strong and I knew I was right. I am ashamed of myself for doing nothing about it then and could have stopped you hurting Sophie with your denial of who and what you are", Howie explained

That stung me but he was not done and went on.

"Once Michael confirmed everything for me you still did nothing when I all but accused you of being gay in the same car park Saturday night. You knew what I was saying on Saturday and did not deny it. Why not, Darius?", Howie asked accusingly.

"No,no, no. I'm not gay", I tried to shout but it only came out as a low whisper nobody could hear.

"Speak up Darius and I want to know what you have to say for yourself", Howie mocked.

Summoning up a courage I did not really have.

"I workout for myself not for others or to satisfy my gaze. And even if I agree that I fucked boys in high school it was just youthful exploration. It doesn't make me gay", I replied

I was giving statements in my defence but Howie didn't want to listen to them.

"OK, so if you are not gay then why do you jerk off watching gay porn?", he accused again more aggressively this time.

Now I was shocked and my eyes literally popped out of my head. How the fuck does he know I did that. My mind was running all over the place.

"How do you know that?", I asked automatically.

"You need to learn to clear your internet browsing history old man", he replied.

"Remember when Sophie invited me over I had to send an urgent email and Sophie gave me your laptop. Imagine my surprise when I searched your surfing history and found a `man sucking a man's dick' video and links to dozens more sites. I don't know a straight man who would watch gay porn", he explained confident he had me bang to rights.

What could I say. Why did I watch that gay porn.

"No. You got it wrong. I didn't watch it for that reason. Believe me. I'm telling you the truth Howie", I stuttered hesitantly.

Was I even telling truth? Even I doubted myself.

"Stop it old man. Stop lying to yourself. You are prisoner of your own conventional mind. You caged the real you for over 30 fucking years. Its crazy to lock away the real you for so long to try to continue living in your delusional world. For fuck man sake free yourself. Admit what you are", Howie implored.

"I'm a real man, boy ...", I started in reply

"Who says gays are not real men.", Howie replied cutting me off then continued.

"I'm gay. I have a set of balls and a good size penis and you seem surprised that I identify myself as a man and I am most definitely a real man", he taunted.

"You won't understand. Nobody understands . My father wouldn't...", I started in reply

I almost broke down but composed myself.

"My father wouldn't understand", I whispered to myself.

"So you do agree you are gay?", Howie asked placing his arm around my waist in an act of compassion.

There was a pause. I was thinking, processing, what could I do, what could I say. As we stood there the time stretching my thoughts cleared, I knew what I had to do and I had my reply for him.

"No, I'm not Howie and stop this conversation now", I stated plainly and walked out of the room.