Un-silent

I was sitting in a chair in the front office of the school,I was wearing a black and white striped pullover hoodie, blue jeans and black converse. Across from me was this elderly woman sitting behind her desk typing away on her computer. (Geez she must have been here since the school started)

I looked at the clock that was on the wall behind the woman. It was about to be 10 o clock, she should be here any minute.....my mom I mean.

Last night after having a great time with my friends, there was a knock at the door. And to my surprise it was my mother who I haven't seen in about two months. She didn't even say hi she just said. "Justin it's your father......he's.....dying."

My mother and I talked a little more after that in the hallway outside Adam's apartment and I said I would wait for her to pick me up at school the next day. I sat there anxiously waiting for my mom to walk through the front office door. The bell rang and everyone was walking to their next class it was already 2nd period.

Adam came walking through the door wearing a grey hoodie with a backwards black flat billed hat, ripped blue jeans and nikes.

He sat down next to me without saying anything. I just kept looking at the clock but it definetly didn't make time go faster.

"What time is she suppose to be here?" Adam asked in his deep voice.

"Any second now." I answered back.

"Your shaking." Adam said plainly

I didn't even notice until he mentioned it.

"Sorry" I said to him.

"Why are you sorry?" he asked

"I don't know a lot is really going through my mind right now."

"Keep your head up don't let your parent put you down."

"I know." I said to him.

I mean how would you feel if you haven't seen your parents in for so long and the first thing they say is a family member is dying?

There was a moment of silence between Adam and me.

"He has cancer." I said quietly

Adam just turned to look at me with a calm but empathetic look on his face.

"Apparently he's had it for awhile they didn't discover the cancer until just last week."

Adam just kept looking at me.

"The doctors aren't sure if he'll last any longer."

I began shaking a little again.

" Adam....my dad .......he might......." I stopped talking when I felt his hand on top of mine my hands were on my knees, Adams right hand was on top of my left hand.

I just turned to look at him. He didn't say anything he just faced forward. And slowly he wrapped his hand around mine. Him holding my hand said it all it calmed me down alot and it seemed like in that moment that Adam didn't care if anyone saw us, all that mattered was that he kept me calm and secure from the stress that was running through my mind.

My mother walked through the door. Adam let go of my hand and from looking at Adam he didn't seem happy to see her. My mother caught his gaze and quickly looked away.

"Let's go Justin." She said quickly.

I picked up my backpack and followed her.

Before I left the office I turned around one last time to look at Adam he just nodded at me and I managed to smile a little.

.....................

The ride to the hospital was silent and awkward.

My mother just kept facing forward paying attention to the road.

My mother eventually spoke first.

"Friend of yours?" She asked

"Who Adam?....Um yeah he is."

My mother just nodded

"How did you find me?" I asked her.

"The people who work at the bodega down the street from that apartment building."

"Oh" I said

There was another long awkward silence.

"Maybe after we're done visiting your father, let's go out to eat....okay?" my mother said I agreed and said "Yeah sounds good."

...................

I hate hospitals.

It smelled funny and the atmosphere was really tense and unwelcoming.

My mother and I entered an elevator.

My father was on the 11th floor.

"Your father doesn't know you're coming yet." said my mother

"Howcome?" I asked with a concerned tone.

"I don't know if he's ready to see you yet."

After my mother said that I felt like I was sinking to the bottom of an endless ocean. My heart sank with me.

We got to the 11th floor it was quiet very quiet only a few doctors were walking around. My mother lead the way.

The room my father in was room 510

The room had grey tiled floors and pale white walls.

My father was asleep on the hospital bed.

My mother slowly and gently woke him up. My father opened his eyes and stared at my mother.

"You have a visitor." she said gently

She moved out of the way and I was now in my fathers line of vision.

......My father didn't say a word and turned his head slowly to look back at the ceiling.

My mother moved away and said " I'll be downstairs in the main lobby, I'll leave you two alone."

My mother then walked out of the room. I stood there for a few more seconds looking at my father he became much more skinnier and also frail he was bald now too.

I then slowly sat in the chair next to his hospital bed.

My father continued to look up at the ceiling.....he didn't say a word.

"Hi.....Dad." I managed to say.

No answer.

"So....um....how are you....feeling?"

Still no answer.

I sat there for about 15 more minutes in silence waiting for him to say something....anything.

"Dad......can you please say something....?"

He still ignored me and continued to look at the ceiling.

"Dad I haven't seen you or mom in about 2 months. Can we just......talk?"

nothing was said.

"Can you just..... look at me?"

he was still silent.

"Please dad please say something....."

and then quietly but surely he spoke

"Only family members are allowed during visiting hours."

That endless ocean that I was sinking in?.....now there was a shark in it and it ate me up along with my broken heart.

I wanted to say so much to him. I had all these things I wanted to say back. I wanted to say something cruel and evil to him but all that came out of my mouth was....

"love you too dad." I got up from the chair and left the hospital room.

I entered the elevator and as the doors closed..... I screamed on the top of my lungs, I yelled and screamed and cursed at the air and walls. When I finally stopped screaming I leaned against the wall and slowly slumped down on the elevator floor. I sat in the corner with my knees up to my chin and my arms wrapped around my knees. My father didn't even look at me, he didn't acknowledge me I was nothing to him......nothing at all.

While I was in the elevator, my father continued looking at the ceiling and then slowly closed his eyes and went back to sleep....as if the visit never happened.

.............

My mother and I were sitting in a resturant called Bellizimos it was our favorite resturant.

My mother didn't ask how it went between my father and I.

We ordered our food and waited.

" I spoke to the doctor." she said.

I looked up at her waiting for what she would say next.

"What did he say?" I asked her.

My mother was holding her wine glass and slowly set it back on the table. She put one hand over her mouth shook her head and looked out the window.

By looking at her I could already tell what she was about to say next. I didn't have to ask.

Before any tears could fall down her cheeks she quickly wiped them away.

She then started to unfold her napkin and said" Don't worry everything is going to be okay...."

I looked at her puzzled something didn't seem right.

"In a few months you're going to graduate high school,you'll be going to college, you'll get a good career and you'll find yourself an amazing woman."

I was taken aback at what my mother just said.

"What?" I simply asked.

"Everything will be okay in the end all you have to do is get married to a wonderful woman and everything will be okay."

"Mom what are you?" I began to say to her but she interrupted and said....

"You'll go to college and become a doctor and make alot of money you'll find a fantastic girl and....."

"Mom..."

"You'll get married to her have children and......"

"MOM!!!!!" I slammed my fist on the table and the whole resturant was looking at us.

My mother had lost it.

She then slowly looked up to face me.

"Dad is not going to get better. He's dying mom."

My mother just shook her head in denial.

"No everything will be okay you'll find....."

"SHUT UP JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled.

My mother seemed to have snapped out of it now she was looking straight at me with tears in her eyes.

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD? IT'S TOO LATE IT'S OVER THE DOCTORS CAN'T DO A FUCKING THING TO SAVE HIM!!!!!"

My mother just stared in shock at me."

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE THAT IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN NOTHING CAN BE DONE MOM NOTHING!!!!!!

My mother broke down a waiter came up to our table and asked if everything was alright and I snapped and said "DO THINGS LOOK ALRIGHT TO YOU? LEAVE US ALONE!!!"

The waiter shocked by my obvious reaction, obeyed and walked away.

My mother sobbed she had one hand on her face and the other on the table.

I felt terrible for yelling at her.

I slowly held my moms hand but in an instant she took her hand away, now both of her hands were on her face.

and repeatedly she said everything will be okay, everything will be okay, everything will be okay.

Looking at my mother I realized something she was doing the same thing my father did.......

It was sad, horrible, heartbreaking every negative emotion but there was nothing I could do I realized it now I realized the sad awful truth about my parents.

I looked up at my mother and said....

"Mom.... thanks for everything you've done for me over the years..." I said to her as she continued crying.

"No matter what mom ......I'm always going to love you and dad. But the reality mom, is that I am who I am and......if you can't accept that......"tears started flowing down my cheeks.

"Then maybe it's time ....for me to go." I got up from the table I came up next to my mom and as she continued crying with her hands over her face, I leaned in and gave her a kiss on her head.

I then left the resturant.

It was cold outside. I looked at the ground, happy memories of my parents and I flowed through my mind but the happy memories made everything even more lonely.

I slowly lifted my head up and across the street was a blue truck and a person leaning against it.

it was Adam.

He walked across the street and as he was walking towards me I broke down. He came up to me and put his big warm muscular arms around me and guided me to the truck.

We then headed back to the apartment.

After I left the resturant my mother sat there eating by herself. She finished her food and wine and the she said to herself "everything will be okay he'll find a wonderful woman. everything will be okay,everything will be..................................................................................

............

I was in bed with Adam.

My face was against Adams bare chest and Adam held me tightly in his big arms. I cried the hardest I ever cried. I screamed and yelled and sobbed for what seemed like hours and Adam just held me quietly.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

This isn't one of those fairytales or those stupid sappy inspirational movies where the parents accepts their gay child. No......this is reality, the cold sad reality of being rejected by the two people who brought you into world. Not everyone gets accepted, sometimes it all ends in tears.

Even though Adam held me tight in his warm arms. I never....ever felt so alone.............

TO BE CONTINUED...................................................