The Families in Rossford

THE PRESENT YOU NEVER OPENED

CONCLUSION

“Well, this is something else,” Milo said, because what else could he say?

He was standing with Kenny when Brendan and Sheridan entered the theatre. The day after Christmas there were several people with not much to do but come and see a play, but still, the playhouse wasn’t that crowded.

“Where have you been?” Kenny said.

“Brendan’s moved back to the apartment under Fenn and Todd’s,” Sheridan supplied, not sure of what Brendan was going to say.

But Brendan retorted, “Well, where have you been?”

“Bren,” Milo began, “could I talk to you?”

“Sure,” Brendan said, looking not at all in a mood to be talked to.

“How much do you know about what’s been happening with Kenny in the last few days?”

“I know he was getting fucked by Ruthven Meraden.”

“Woah,” Milo stuffed his hands in his pocket.

“So you all are watching a play today?”

“Well, more than that,” Milo said.

“What? Now the two of you are lovers?”

Milo snorted, “I don’t think Dena would go for that.”

“No, she would not. I remember that.”

“But he is sort of going to have a date.”

“Really?”

“Only he doesn’t know it.”

Brendan raised an eyebrow to Milo.

“Look, you weren’t supposed to be here,” Milo said.

“Oh, excuse me.”

“I mean I didn’t plan on that.”

“Well, I could always turn around and leave.”

“Sarcasm isn’t cute, Bren. Besides… what about you and Sheridan?”

“What about me and Sheridan?”

Milo tried to affect a sly smile.

“What’s going on?” Milo said.

“You’re getting on my nerves is what’s going on.”

“I was just going to say,” Milo hooked an arm around Brendan, “if I swung in that direction, well, Sheridan’s not a bad looking guy.”

“If you’re telling me Sheridan’s a good looking guy, then you’re already swinging in that direction,” Brendan said, removing Milo’s arm.

“Sher!” he said.

Sheridan came forward.

“Do you want to leave?” he said.

“Leave? Why should I leave?”

“Exactly,” Milo chimed in.

Brendan looked at him.

“I’ll just shut up. Ah—”

And Brendan turned around following the ‘ah’.

“That’s Sean Babcock,” Brendan said.

“That’s the date,” said Milo.

Sheridan pulled Brendan by the hand and said, “Three rows up. At least.”

“Alright,” Brendan muttered.

“Whaddo you care?” Sheridan added. “Kenny’s supposed to be having a new life. You wanted it that way. Come to think of it, you’re supposed to be having a new life.”

Brendan nodded and followed Sheridan into the row, nodding at Milo and Kenny. He didn’t really know Sean. As the lights dimmed he saw the tops of their heads.

 

Three rows down Milo said, “Well, no, I’ll sit here,” and then left his space between Milo and Sean blank, while he sat beside his old friend. The play was just beginning when Milo raised a finger and said, “I need the restroom,” and got up.

Kenny paid little attention to the people on stage, waiting for his friend to come back, and then after a while, when he heard Sean chuckle a little, he turned to see the other man in the dark. By the stage light he saw the high plains of his face, the curls of his dark hair.

Sean turned to Kenny and said, “I don’t think Milo’s coming back.”

“No,” Kenny said. “I don’t think that dirty sneak is, either.”

Sean gave him a lingering smile.

“Don’t be mad at him.”

Kenny felt Sean’s hand on his and Sean said, “He knew what he was doing.”

HE REACHED FOR LANCE and touched his cheek with the side of his hand.

“How long?” he said, “till you head back?”

“Well, tonight I have to stay with my parents.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Dylan said, sitting up.

“I know,” Lance told him. “But I do have to spend some time with them.”

Dylan nodded and said, “It’s just been so long since you’ve been back.”

“I was here at Thanksgiving. And don’t start that.”

“Don’t start that what?”

Lance reached up and took Dylan’s hand.

“You always start living in the future. It’ll be the Fourth of July and you’ll be upset about the day after Christmas.”

“But now it is the day after Christmas.”

“Right, and you’re worried about what happens when I leave and go back to school.”

“I should apply there. That’s where I should go.”

“So we can be together?”

Lance said it in jest, but Dylan said, “Exactly.”

Now they were both sitting up and Lance said, “When did you start getting so sentimental? And sentimental about me?”

“Don’t say it like that,” Dylan said. “I love you.”

“I know Dyl,” Lance said. Then, after a moment, “And you know I love you too.”

“Then let’s be together again. Let’s be… I want you to be my real boyfriend again.”

Dylan looked at Lance. Lance, his hair sticking up, looked something like terrified.

“What?” Dylan began, but Lance was shaking his head, slowly.

“No,” he said. “No, I can’t do that again.”

Now it was Dylan who looked bewildered.

“Why?” he said. “What would be the difference between what we are now, and what we would be then?”

“Well, there’s got to be some difference, or why would you ask?”

“I want you to be my guy. I want us to be what we used to be.”

“No,” Lance said, breathlessly.

“Are you crazy? What we used to… We couldn’t even breathe. We nearly killed each other.” His voice rose. “Do you remember? We almost did. Do you remember what we did?”

That was always in the back of Dylan’s memory. He never brought it up, and now that’s what he said.

“I know,” Lance’s voice was a strangled whisper. “But it happened. It still happened.”

He was quiet a while and then Lance said:

“When you were my boyfriend I was so jealous and so afraid you would leave me, and you did. And when it ended with… what happened…”

Lance was looking at his hands. Now he looked up at Dylan. “Weren’t you scared? Have you forgotten?”

“No,” Dylan began.

“I…” Lance started over. “You know I see a psychiatrist?”

“No.”

“I do. Once a week. I was on pills for a while. That day. I still can’t get out of it. The way I felt. I was so afraid.”

“But I was afraid,” Dylan said. “And angry.”

“I raped you, Dylan.”

“I know,” Dylan said. “But… we did it to each other. In the end.”

Lance turned away from him.

“How can you want to go back to something like that?”

“I’m past it.”

“I’m not,” Lance said, shaking his head. “I was just sixteen. And this monster… I remember dating you there was always this monster inside of me. Afraid, jealous. Doing crazy things. Like when we fucked that kid’s car up.”

“He had it coming.”

“Maybe,” Lance allowed. “But there was something vicious and crazy about us. And I still remember that monster coming out of me. What I did. It scares me so bad, being out of control like that. It is the opposite of everything we do in this bed… And kind of like it all at the same time. And it’s still with me. The fear that the monster’ll come back. Sometimes I remember it and I’m just in this dark place. I want to die.”

“I was there too,” Dylan said. “I remember. I was in the dark place too.”

“I hurt you,” Lance said.

“I hurt you too.”

“It wasn’t the same.”

“Lance,” neither one of them looked at the other. They both looked very tired, very pale, and a little old. “I know what it is like… to do things that stick with you. I know what it’s like to be a monster. To lose control. To be ashamed. I know what it is to be you. I am you.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Dylan,” Lance said, his voice hollow.

“Then be with me.”

“Look,” Lance turned and looked at Dylan. “I will be with you. I will be everything to you. I will… be on the other end of the phone whenever you need me. Love you, laugh with you, fuck your brains out when you need me too! Everything I have… It’s yours. Even my body. But…” he shook his head. “I need the space we have now. I will be anything for you, Dylan. But I won’t be your boyfriend.”

END OF PART ONE