Zack, Luke & Ben

“This summer sucks,” I tell Noah, my brother, as I sip a mug of coffee. “And it’s all your fault.”

It’s 80 degrees outside at 9:00am and I’m wearing fleece sleep pants, wool socks and a hoodie. And my coffee is piping hot. This is because the basement of Noah’s tiny ranch-style house, where I live, is constantly a frozen tundra. That’s just how the house is; winter, summer or any time in between. I’ve been upstairs in the kitchen for ten minutes already and I’m only just beginning to thaw. The freezing basement is neither why the summer sucks nor why it’s Noah’s fault. To his credit, he gave me a space heater for the outer room and an electric blanket for my bed. And if he wasn’t allowing me to crash with him, rent-free, I’d either be out on the street or even worse, I’d still be stuck with Mom.

Dad left all three of us fifteen years ago when Noah was only 10 and I was just 5. Since then, my big brother has been half my brother and half a father figure while Mom’s been drowning her sorrows in the bottle. Ten years later, at the age of 15, I “came out”. Mom freaked. She actually blamed me for Dad’s disappearance, telling me that he must have seen something in me even as a small child that he just couldn’t accept. Something wrong. Something evil. So he left. But he didn’t just leave me – the evil one – he left my mother and 10 year old brother too. After I “came out”, she hardly spoke to me at all. By the time I turned 18, Noah was a college graduate, a working professional and the new owner of a modest home. He invited me to move in with him and I jumped at the chance.

So, I’ve been living with him for two years now. I have a part-time job at an independent bookstore and I take classes at the local college. After I pay my tuition each semester, I try to give some money to Noah but he never takes it. He tells me not to become a grownup too soon. Which makes a lump form in my throat because that’s exactly what he had to do. Noah is the best big brother I could hope for; he saved me. But he still ruined my summer. I can love him and be mad at him.

My best friend Luke is gone for eight weeks. He and his dad moved here to Ohio from Texas six years ago after his parents got divorced. His grandfather died this past year and Luke and his dad are back in Texas this summer helping his grandmother with things around her house. Noah fits into this because Luke’s part-time job is working with Noah at the sporting goods store he manages. All Noah had to do was tell Luke that he couldn’t take a two-month leave. That if he did, he’d lose his job. Then I’d have my friend, my best friend, my only friend, in the same state with me.

Noah tousles my hair and smiles, “Zack. He’s been gone for four weeks already. Four more and he’ll be back before you know it.”

“And by then, the summer will almost be over,” I whine.                                                        

Luke and I have been best friends since he moved here. I can count with the fingers of just one hand the number of people in this world who accept me for me; and Luke and Noah are two of them. The small town we live in is not especially open minded; it was particularly rough in high school. But Luke is a big strong guy who nobody ever messed with, so just by association, he kept me safe. He’s also ridiculously gorgeous, but he’s my best friend so I don’t let myself think about that. Often. Much.

“You need more friends,” Noah says.

“No duh,” I say back. “But we live here. Where tolerance came to die. Oh! I know. I can just hang out more with you and Julia!”

Julia is Noah’s girlfriend. She’s really cool and represents one those fingers on the hand of acceptance.

Noah shakes his head, “No cockblocking or you’ll find yourself living back at Mom’s house.”

I know he’s kidding, but mentioning Mom is like a little stab in the heart. I shake it off. “Being a 20-year-old virgin, I’m allowed the occasional cockblock.” I nudge his shin under the table with a wooly socked foot.

He squeezes my shoulder, “Zack, when is the last time you talked to Mom? Have you given her a chance lately?” Noah doesn’t give her chances either. He despises her as much as I do; and being my protective big brother, maybe even more. He’s only asking for my sake. He desperately wants Mom to be a finger on the acceptance hand. But she’s not. Noah never stops hoping though, and honestly, neither do I.

I scoff, “I saw her last week. I stopped by the house to mow the lawn, change the garbages and fix the leaky bathroom faucet. She never left the couch the whole time I was there. I couldn’t tell if she was dozing or passed out but she was surrounded by empty bottles. Eventually I said ‘Hi’ and it took her a full minute to register my presence. When she finally did, she just shook her head in disgust and said, ‘Too bad you decided to be gay.’ I ran the fuck out of there.”

Noah winces, “She actually said ‘decided’?”

I nod, “But overall I thought that was progress. She said ‘gay’ and not the F-word.”

Noah says something under his breath. Either he was telling me he has an itch or… I really do love my brother.

He says, “The house next door finally sold after six months. I thought I saw a guy around your age moving stuff in yesterday. Maybe he’s from the land of tolerance.”

Or even better, maybe he’s…not straight.

But I narrow my eyes at Noah, “Yeah, right. Because the universe is just that kind.” I get up and rinse my mug. My eyes drift out the window and in the adjacent yard is a super-cute guy. He’s pulling weeds and working up a sweat. Suddenly I’m hot in my fleece pants and hoodie. Super-Cute Guy stands up straight and pulls off his sweat soaked shirt. Okay. I was wrong. He’s not super-cute. He’s super-hot. He’s lean and muscular and glistening in the sunlight. I’m so mesmerized that I drop my mug and it clatters in the sink.

Noah elbows me in the ribs and I yelp. “Before you condemn the universe you might want to go introduce yourself and assess the situation. It’s worth a shot. He could be that new friend.”

~~

But I didn’t introduce myself. I spied on him working in his yard for a few more minutes, stored several images in my mental photo album for new material to be used alone in bed later, changed my clothes and headed to work. And that’s where I am now. At the bookstore.

I’m on shift with Gio today. He’s my favorite coworker and he represents one of those acceptance fingers. He and I have a system worked out. He helps all of the female customers and he leaves the guys for me. It’s a win-win. Silly games aside, Gio is actually a nice guy. I can tell that he’s genuinely rooting for me. Especially because he’s not really trying to flirt with the ladies. He has a girlfriend and she has him totally whipped. He mock-complains about her, but he loves her. Gio and I frequently talk about getting together outside of work, like real friends, but between work, our class schedules and his girlfriend, I’m pretty low on his priorities list. And I get it. So, we’re work friends.

Gio asks me, “When’s Luke coming back? I miss the big lug, awkwardly pretending to be interested in books but really just waiting for you.”

Luke is not a big reader but he has a car and I do not. He picks me up from work sometimes. Or a lot of times. After work we like to go out for pizza, hang out at the mall, bowl a few games, catch a movie, stream something in my basement, play mindless video games, or even watch sports. Well, it starts out as us watching sports. Not long into whatever game might be on, I’ll inevitably get bored and start reading. It works for us. He’ll interrupt my reading periodically to make me watch a replay of something I’m supposed to be impressed by, when in reality, I don’t understand it at all. But for him, I feign interest.

I want to pull out my phone and text him right now, but I force myself not to. I want to tell him that Gio misses him. That my mom thinks I chose to be gay, probably just to spite her. That Noah called Mom a bitch. That without him here, I’m reading way too many books and not watching nearly enough baseball. That without him here, there’s no one for me to slaughter in bowling, the only sport I have any chance at all against him in because really, it’s a game, not a sport. I want to tell him that a new boy moved in next door so he better hurry up and come back home or he could be in danger of getting demoted from his best friend status. I’d have to follow that one up quickly with winking emoji because the written word can be easily misinterpreted. Luke is irreplaceable. I want to ask how he is. His dad, his grandma and his slew of cousins. Is Texas hot enough that he actually misses my freezing basement?

But my phone stays in my pocket. I don’t text him anything. I decided a month ago when he left that I would not pester him while he’s gone. I know he’s busy helping his family. I respect that. He’s out there getting even stronger and tanner. What if he decided to not come back? His mom still lives down there so it’s not impossible. What if his cousins become his new best friends? What if his grandma needs him full time? What if he meets a girl down there this summer? Transferring to a new school is probably as easy as a phone call and a few clicks of the mouse. So while I eagerly reply to every text he sends me, I will not initiate them. I will not make him feel guilty for being the kind, generous, sweet son and grandson that he is.

I’m about to start begging Gio to ditch his girlfriend for just one night when the door chime sounds. Gio is facing the door and his eyes widen. He winks and nudges my arm, “This one is all you. Go get him, my friend.”

Like anyone in this town is available to be “got”. I feel like I’m a one-man team. I turn around and it’s the new boy from next door. It took a second to recognize him because he’s wearing a shirt. A very tight, clingy t-shirt that reveals the ridges of his six-pack abs, but a shirt nonetheless. He’s wearing faded jeans that disappear into loosely laced and untied work boots that he obviously just slipped into because he slips half out of them with each step he takes. He has careless blond hair and striking blue eyes. He wears a baseball hat backwards on his head, which I will forgive if he never does it again. I look him over from head to toe and my heart flips and flutters as my cheeks flush. It’s a million to one shot that this dude is anything but ragingly hetero.

To save myself from embarrassment and defeat, I turn to tell Gio to take this customer, but he’s not there. He disappeared into the back room leaving me and Super-Hot Guy all alone. Shit. I’ll just play it straight. Pun intended.

“Good afternoon. Are you looking for some summer reading today?”

His eyes are on the tables of books and not on me as he replies, “I just moved to town and my new school doesn’t start for weeks. I need something to fill my days.”

“What do you like to read?”

“Mysteries and Histories,” he says with confidence.

I shy away from non-fiction myself, but I point out a few new arrivals. When I lead him to the Mystery section, my recommendations come to life. For the first time, his gaze rises from the books and he looks right at me. He smiles and my knees are about to give out.

He points at me, “I’m your new neighbor. Ben. I saw you leaving your house earlier. I guess you were off to work.” He extends his hand.

I take it. It’s smooth and callous free. Like his yard work earlier was an anomaly and his muscles come from the gym rather than from the great outdoors. Which is fine. My muscles wouldn’t come from the outdoors either, if I had any.

“I’m Zack. I think I saw you too. You were working in your yard this morning. It took me a second to recognize you because you weren’t wearing your… Hat! You weren’t wearing your hat earlier.”

His eyes bulge, “Hopefully I was wearing my shirt when you saw me. I’m not usually much of an exhibitionist, but it got hot this morning earlier than I thought it would.”

For both of our sakes, I lie, “When I was rinsing my coffee cup, your shirt was on.” At first.

“Whew,” he pretends to wipe sweat from his brow. “I’m from New York City. This morning might be the first time in my life I’ve taken my shirt off outside. I hate to think I put on a show.”

A private show. I realize I’m still shaking his hand. I let it go. “I suspected New York based on your Yankees cap. What brings you to our little town?”

He’s gathered a small stack of books while we’ve been talking and I lead him to the register. As I ring up his purchase he tells me, “My dad was transferred here. It’s only my second day in town and I don’t know my way around yet.”

Right on cue, Gio emerges from the back room and tells me, “It’s an easy close today. I’ve got this. You should punch out and take off early.” He’s grinning like a fool when he tells our new customer, “Zack here has lived in this town his whole life. He’s an awesome tour guide and he’s fascinated with New York.”

I shoot eye daggers at him which only makes his grin widen.

Ben smiles, “That’d be awesome! I’ll pay you for your time by treating you to a slice of whatever pizza you say is the best in town.”

I scoff, “You are about to be disappointed on so many levels. This isn’t New York. We don’t have pizza places on every corner, there’s really just the one. They don’t sell by the slice. We would have to get a pizza. And since the place is essentially a monopoly, I have nothing to compare it to, other than frozen grocery store pizza.”

Ben laughs, “Let’s give it a try and I’ll tell you how it compares. So, you’ll be my tour guide then?”

I open my mouth but it’s Gio’s voice that comes out, “Yeah he will!”

Suddenly Gio’s hands are on my shoulders, steering me out from behind the counter. The stupid grin is still on his face. This is the furthest our silly pretend game has ever gotten, on my side with the guys anyway. He has sparked the interest of the occasional girl, only to have to later admit that he already has a girlfriend. He once got slapped and I laughed for an hour. But right now, Gio is not laughing. I think he thinks that for the first time in my life I might have a real shot here. Like, just maybe for the first time ever, I might not be the only queer guy in the room. But despite Gio’s radiating enthusiasm, I won’t get my hopes up. All I know for sure at this point is that Ben likes to read, seems like a nice guy and might be in the market for a friend. That’s not a bad start. Oh, and he’s freaking hot! Fine. It’s a damn good start.

As we head out the door, I pause and tell Gio, “Thanks for closing up alone tonight.” With my body as a shield, I give Gio double middle finger salutes. He cracks up and pushes me the rest of the way out the door.

~~

I wake up to a text from Luke. When he left a month ago, we decided we’d only text each other – no phone calls. A live call might be too hard for us (read: me). He says he has no real news to report from Texas. He asks me about things at home. I tell him about my failed interaction with Mom from last week. He tells me I shouldn’t go over there anymore. It’s not worth it and she doesn’t deserve me. I tell him that I mow her lawn and check on the maintenance of her house more for Noah than for her. If I didn’t do it, then he’d have to and he already does so much for me. It’s literally the least I can do for him.

While my sexuality is a bonus reason to pretend I don’t exist, the truth is that she turned her back on both of us when Dad left. She kind of stole Noah’s childhood from him, forcing him to act like a responsible grownup by the age of 10 and take care of his kid brother. His feelings for her are pretty much identical to mine. And since he’s boarding her evil gay younger son, she has no use for him either.

I tell Luke about the house next door finally selling and how for the first time in six years, I made a new friend. Hoping that when Luke finally comes back in a month we could all be friends, I tell him about Ben.

Me: I learned last night that like us, Ben is 20 and transferring to our school in the fall. He likes to read, he’s a pizza snob, he’ll root for the Yankees his whole life no matter where he lives, he’s an only child, he likes all the wrong ice cream flavors and all the wrong video games and he doesn’t know what he wants to do after college.

Luke: Wow. That’s a lot. Sounds like you two really hit it off.

Do I detect a hint of jealousy? I smile.

Me: We’re just two guys who each could use a friend. Him because he’s new and knows no one and me because I’m me.

I don’t want to say too much. I need to tread lightly. He didn’t choose to go to Texas for the summer. He didn’t want to go. I can’t make him worry about things at home. About me.

After a pause, Luke texts: Is he…?

Me after an equally long pause: …A werewolf? A serial killer? An escapee from a mental institution?

Luke: LOL and a middle finger emoji.

Me: Seriously though, I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. Maybe tonight after another serving of apparently subpar pizza I’ll find out more about his personal life.

Luke: What about you? Did you tell him?

Me: Not yet. I will. Probably tonight.

Luke: Zee, I’m sorry.

Reading the nickname he saves for rare occasions pokes at my heart. Luke knows that as a gay man, “coming out” isn’t a singular event. Every new person I meet, I have to decide if I’ll tell and when I’ll tell... It sucks and Luke knows it. And I love him for understanding.

Luke: Let me know how it goes.

~~

Tonight, Ben and I are out for more pizza. I ask him more personal questions than I did last night and I learn a lot more about my new friend. He tells me about his family, his old school, his old job, his old friends and his life in the big city. I ask him if he left anyone “special” behind in that city and he says, “No”. But he doesn’t expound on the thought and I still don’t know what to think.

He asks me the same personal questions and I realize that I need to tell him now. So I do. I tell Ben that I’m gay. That I’ve been “out” since I was 15 and what that meant to both my school life and my home life. He listens with concern as I take an hour to get it all out. What I can’t tell is if his concern is steeped in sympathy or empathy.

I decide to be direct, “I’m sure in New York City you were exposed to expressions of every sexual identity under the sun, but here, in this Podunk town, we either have some serious closet cases or I am the lone player on my team.”

He laughs and says, “It’s cool. I had gay friends in New York. I’m not going anywhere.”

I regard my new friend. He left no significant other behind in New York. He claims to be a friend to my people. My proclamation is not scaring him off. But still… I feel a little disappointed. Not that he seems to be clearly hetero. No. I expected that. He is who he is and I would never ask him to be anyone else. I can turn my little crush off pretty easily; I’ve been doing that my whole life. Just because there are a lot homophobic assholes around me doesn’t mean that some of them aren’t cute homophobic assholes. I’m disappointed that he’s so unaffected by my news. Whatever. It could have been worse. He could have made some straight guy joke about being careful to keep his shirt on in the yard now that he knows.

But then he surprises me by saying, “I think I’m pan.”

~~

Five days later.

I tell Gio, “It’s going really well. We’ve hung out every day all week.”

“As friends?”

“So far.”

“Why ‘so far’?”

“There are signals. Just little things. Shoulder bumps, mini hugs, extended eye contact.”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean he—”

I cut him off, “It could.”

He eyes me skeptically, “So, he told you he thinks he’s pan.”

I say nothing.

“When is Luke coming home?”

“Beginning of August. It’s more than three weeks still.”

“Have you told Luke about Ben?”

“He knows about him.”

“He knows how you’re starting to feel about him?”

“He’s not exactly here right now, Gio. We text every couple of days. I can only convey so much. Don’t you think he’d be happy that his best friend just might be getting close to having something special for the first time in his life?”

“Luke isn’t just your best friend.”

“What does that mean?”

“He comes here every day and he isn’t even a reader.”

“That’s because we hang out every day.”

“But he always picks you up.”

“He has a car and I don’t.”

Gio makes a face, “It’s only a couple blocks. You could easily walk home and meet up with him in minutes.”

“What’s the deal, Gio? Do you have some kind of a problem with Ben?”

“Maybe?” he asks more than says. “Something seems disingenuous.”

“But you pushed me out the door to follow him. Like, literally. Hands on my shoulders, steering me out of here.”

He sighs, “That’s just our little game we play, right? I take the girls, you take the guys. Harmless fun. Maybe you should slow this thing with Ben down. Maybe you should talk to Luke.”

My eyes sting with tears. “I thought we were friends. You’d rather see me alone than happy?”

“Zack, no. I just… I think…”

“What?”

“Maybe you’re looking for something you already have.”

~~

I’m sitting with Ben in , of course, the pizza place, but I can’t stop thinking about what Gio said. WTF? I always thought Gio was one of the few good people in this town. I thought he was a real friend. I assumed that in meeting Ben, I’d finally need to start a second hand of acceptance as Ben would represent a sixth finger. Noah, Luke, Julia, Luke’s dad and Gio. But now…maybe not Gio. Maybe Ben replaces Gio and I still have just five fingers on one hand of acceptance.

Since I’ve been out with Ben five nights in a row, I’ve missed replying to a few of Luke’s texts. We’ve been staying out pretty late so I haven’t written back. He knows I have a new friend so I’m guessing he understands. Luke understands a lot and he would understand this.

Dinner is over and we head to the bowling alley. This is a favorite spot for Luke and me, but Ben says he’s never bowled before. He says, “There really aren’t bowling alleys in Manhattan due to its high population and densely packed infrastructure.”

I smirk, “Already making excuses and I haven’t even beaten you yet.”

His biceps involuntarily ripple under his t-shirt. I flex where my bicep would be if I had one and he laughs. I guide him through the process of renting shoes and picking out a ball.

“So, I just leave my shoes with this guy? He holds them hostage?” Ben asks, slipping easily out of his loose-fitting work boots.

“Right. It’s like collateral so they get their shoes back.”

“Like there is a person on earth who might want to steal these,” he holds up a size 10.5 pair of well-worn tattered green, red and tan leather shoes that are probably older than we are.

I hold up my size 9 counterparts, “Stylin’.”

He laughs, puts a hand on my back and I shiver from the touch. Another little touch. Ben told me he’s “pan” days ago but that doesn’t mean he’s attracted to me. He could be attracted to any and everyone. And physically, I’m nothing special. I’m 5’ 9” with sandy brown hair and green eyes. I don’t stand out in a crowd. I’m the guy you look past to gawk at someone like Ben or Luke. But there are these little touches which have become more frequent with each passing day. They mean something, right? For my part, it would be easier to blow it than to get it right. I can wait him out. I’ve waited my whole life, I can wait another day, week, month…

Every time it’s Ben’s turn, I watch his every move. His approach, the roll, his reaction. He really is awful, but his form is mesmerizing. They way his back and shoulder muscles dance beneath his tight shirt. I flash back to high school gym class and team sports. One team was shirts and the other team was skins. I wish someone would tell Ben right now that he’s on the skins team and that the shirt has to come off. But no one does.

Every time it’s my turn, Ben doesn’t watch me. His eyes wander and he misses my strikes. I have to tell him about my spares. Is it a lack of interest in me or does he just not care for bowling?

One game is enough. We make the required shoe exchange and I excuse myself to the restroom. After relieving myself, I look in the mirror. It’s an average guy staring back at me. Not tall, not short. Medium, eyes, medium hair, scrawny body. Sigh. I wouldn’t watch me bowling either.

I head back out to where I left Ben and he’s talking to a couple guys that I recognize from high school. Guys who bullied me before Luke recognized what was going on and stood guard as my protector. They turn and leave without looking my way. When I reach Ben, he smiles.

“We’ve been invited to a party Saturday night!” he says with more enthusiasm than I’ve ever heard from him.

“Saturday, like the day after tomorrow?”

“Is something wrong?”

I toe the carpet with my sneaker, “With those guys?” I nod my head to the door the assholes just disappeared through.

“Uh huh. They seem cool.”

As we walk home, I tell Ben about being the only gay kid in a small town. I tell him about getting bullied. I tell him that there was a group of six friends who were the worst offenders and the two guys he was just talking to were part of that six.

Ben listens quietly, but when I’m done, he says, “When’s the last time you’ve seen or talked to those guys?”

“Not since high school.”

“Right,” says Ben. “High school. More than two years ago. They’re not kids anymore and neither are you. Don’t you think they’ve grown up since then? Matured?”

I really, really don’t. Some assholes are assholes for life. And two years is not that long.

Ben continues, “Look, Zack, I love hanging with you, but I haven’t met any other people yet, besides your brother and Gio. And I don’t get the feeling that Gio likes me too much. A party is a great way to meet a lot of people all at once.”

A lot of shitty people. I tell Ben, “I’ve never been a ‘party’ guy, but you should go. I’m gonna sit that one out.”

He frowns, “They invited both of us. I want to go with you. I want my new best friend there. There’s supposed to be a ton of people. We might not even see those guys or they might not remember you.”

“They’ll remember me.”

“But there will be too many people for anything to happen. And it’s in a public place. Four Seasons Park. There’s a log cabin, a pond, trails, open spaces, a campfire… It’ll be fun.”

I know the place well. I cannot imagine it being fun at all. I say, “Look, I just—”

He cuts me off, “Zack, I’ll never leave your side. It’ll be you and me. If anyone even looks at you funny, we’re out of there.”

We’re standing on the sidewalk now, halfway between our two houses. Ben turns to me. He takes my hands and my heart almost stops beating. His eyes lock on mine and he says, “I promise,” and he kisses my forehead.

~~

Was that my first kiss? Maybe? I never thought I’d have to ask myself that question. A kiss is a kiss, but this…? The kiss aside, Ben did lock eyes with me and he did hold my hands. There is no doubt there. No question. I practically floated up the walkway and into the house.

I’m at the kitchen table avoiding the freezing basement. Without someone else’s warm body to snuggle with under the blanket, it’s like being in a meat locker down there. My phone buzzes and it’s Luke texting. He’s texting later than usual, probably hoping to catch me available for a change.

I smile at the image on my screen. He sent a selfie of him with his dad and grandma. All three of them look ridiculously happy. His mop of dark brown hair is a mess on top of his head and his steel grey eyes pierce right through the phone screen. And he’s really tan. Luke. I miss him. Maybe he would have some perspective for me on the whole Ben situation. Gio was surprisingly no help. Luke would always want what’s best for me.

I send him a heart emoji and tell him to print and frame that picture.

Luke: You’re actually there!

Me: I just got home. I haven’t worked up the courage to descend into Antarctica yet.

Luke: LOL. It’s not that bad.

Me: To you! Your body’s like a furnace.

Luke: And you’re always stealing my heat. How’s your new friend? Does he keep you warm?

I haven’t had Ben down to my basement apartment yet. I haven’t cuddled against him or burrowed into him for warmth. Not yet. And having missed Luke’s texting window the last few days, he has no clue how things are progressing with Ben.

Me: Ben is good. Great. We hit it off as friends from day one.

Luke: And…

Me: It’s hard to tell. We hug a little. Occasionally. Tonight he held my hands.

There is a long silence. I almost think he fell asleep before three dots finally appear on the screen.

Luke: Hey, guess what? I’m coming home early. Keep Saturday night free because I’ll be home by dinner time.

My eyes pool with tears of joy. I’ve missed my best friend so much. He’s been gone for five weeks and I thought we had three more to go. My thumbs fumble a reply.

Me: OMG! I can’t wait to see you! First thing Sunday morning, though. I actually have plans on Saturday night.

Another long pause before Luke asks: Like a date?

Me: Sort of. We’re going to a party together.

I tell him all about the party on Saturday night. I’ve never been yelled at over text before, but Luke freaks out. He demands that I stay far clear of that party. He literally orders me not to go. I find myself telling Luke all the things Ben had said to me. About change and growth and maturity. And how Ben promised to be glued to my side and that we’d leave at the first sign of anything. But Luke isn’t having it.

Luke: …And if Ben can’t understand why you need to not go to that party, then maybe Ben isn’t the right friend for you after all.

Me: Says the friend who’s like 2000 miles away.

He doesn’t reply.

Me: I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I know you had no choice in leaving, but Luke, I have another friend now. Maybe more than a friend. I am choosing to trust him and I need you to choose to trust me.

~~

Noah and Julia get home from their night out. Fortunately, Julia likes me so I don’t feel the need to immediately run downstairs to my frigid prison. She smiles, tousles my hair and says, “Hey, sweetie.” They both join me at the kitchen table. “I hear there’s a new man in your life.”

I bring them both up to speed on recent events. I tell them how much fun Ben and I are having hanging out together, but I also tell them about my uncertainty regarding his feelings. Does Ben want more? I mention the awkward kiss/not-kiss, the hand holding and the party I have serious reservations about attending.

When I finish rambling, Julia looks expectantly at Noah, nods her head my way and says, “Go ahead.”

Noah clears his throat, “Zack, maybe you shouldn’t go to that party so you could be here when Luke gets home. I think you need to talk to Luke. Live and in person. See him. Hear him. Really talk to him about how you both feel.”

“How we feel? What the hell are you talking about?” he’s starting to sound like Gio.

“I meant it when I said that more friends would be a good idea, but before you do anything that crosses the line beyond friendship…” He trails off.

“Again, what are you talking about?”

“You need to talk to Luke. You two have to resolve some things.”

“There’s nothing to resolve. We had an argument tonight, but it was no big deal. Luke and I are fine. I don’t actually blame him for ditching me this summer. He has family obligations. I understand and I’m definitely not mad at him.”

Julia says, “Of course you’re not. That’s not what Noah means.” She looks back to Noah.

“You’re trying so hard to figure out if Ben could be your boyfriend, but…”

“But what?”

“But maybe you already—”

This time he doesn’t trail off, I cut him off. Now he is definitely sounding like Gio. “What the hell, Noah! You’re turning into Mom. Am I not allowed to be happy? Is it fine that I’m gay as long as I’m alone? As long as you don’t have to see it?” I’m almost crying now.

Noah’s eyes get watery too, “No Zack! No! I want you to be happy. That’s why I’m…”

I shake my head, “You’ve always been the person I could count on the most. You and Luke. But right now, you are being the opposite of a responsible big brother. You should discourage inappropriate feelings for my straight best friend. I need Luke’s friendship so much more than I need a dead end crush. I could say the wrong thing and lose him forever. You’re supposed to see that and talk reason to me. Not insanity.”

“Is it insanity, though? Think about it. I’ve seen you two cuddled together under that blanket.”

I scoff, “That’s like two soldiers freezing in a foxhole in winter, keeping each other warm to stay alive.”

Julia laughs but Noah shakes his head. “Luke isn’t as freezing cold down there as you are. He’s not keeping himself warm, he’s keeping you warm. He’s snuggling up to the guy he likes.” I open my mouth but he stops me with a raised hand, “The guy he loves.”

“Best friends love each other.” I say.

“Zack, what about that foot rub he gave you the night before he left for Texas? Best friends don’t do that.”

I remember it well. We had gone bowling earlier that night. When we traded in our shoes, size 9 for me and size 12 for Luke’s giant feet, he noticed my socks. I was wearing Happy Socks that were covered in bowling pins. Later, watching a movie on my couch in the frozen tundra, he had said he wanted to get a closer look at my socks. I leaned against him harder and told him there was no way my shoes were coming off until I was in bed under my electric blanket. My feet would freeze. He told me he wouldn’t let my feet freeze. He put my feet in his lap, removed my shoes, examined my socks, giggled approvingly and wrapped his huge warm hands around my cold socked feet. And then he started a gentle massage. He didn’t tickle me and it certainly wasn’t erotic, but when Noah walked by to get something from the storage room down there, I could see how to him it would appear to be sensual.

I scoff again, “That was nothing. He was keeping me warm.”

He looks me hard in the eye, “How do you feel about Luke?”

A tear rolls down my cheek and I slap the table, “This is the worst thing you have ever done to me. How could you? How dare you! Luke is straight! We’ve been friends for six years. I came out to him five years ago. If he… He has had every opportunity in the world to tell me his truth. But there is no truth to tell. Luke is straight.”

“Has he ever had a girlfriend?”

He hasn’t. But I say, “He went to Homecoming and Prom senior year.”

“Right,” Noah says with a not-so-subtle sarcasm. “He asked those girls?”

I say nothing because we both know it’s rhetorical. The girls asked him and he accepted.

Noah continues, “How long did he date each of them after the dances?”

                                                                                                                                    

We both know he never dated either of them. It was just the dance and nothing further.

“There’s a pattern here, Zack.” He rubs his face, “You’re the coolest kid brother I could have ever hoped for. You have known exactly who you are from a really young age and you’ve been unapologetic for who that person is. You know what you want out of life. You are strong and brave and it has been my privilege to know you, to love you and to take you in with me. But not everybody has as clear of a vision as you have. For some people, things are blurry and confusing. Some people need more time to figure shit out.”

I sniff, “But twenty years is a really long time.”

“Maybe once he figured things out, he was afraid to tell. He saw how our mom reacted.”

                                                                                                            

“No way. Luke’s dad is ridiculously cool. He’s known I’m gay as long as anyone has. He loves me like a second son. And he never stopped Luke from sleeping over here about 18 billion times.”

Noah shrugs, “Luke’s dad has been awesome. But you’re ‘like’ a son to him. Not actually his son. Maybe it would be different if it were Luke. Or maybe it wouldn’t but Luke was just afraid that it might be. It could be his mom or grandmother or his cousins. I don’t know.”

“So, is this you ‘outing’ him?” I ask.

“I would never want to… Look, I started this whole thing by asking that you be here Saturday night to talk to him yourself.  This absolutely is a conversation that I wish you were having with him and not me, but he’s not here. The way you’re talking tonight about your feelings for Ben, your confusion over his feelings for you, the party he’s pressuring you into going to and how upset Luke is over that… I feel like you’re on the brink of some life changing decisions and events here and I don’t think you have all of the information. Again, all I ask is that you skip that party and hold off on taking things further with Ben until you have a real talk with Luke.”

Noah does work with Luke. It’s not like they spend eight hour days sharing their deepest secrets, but maybe over time, there have been some conversations of a personal nature. Maybe some things have been said. Shared. Things he hasn’t shared with me. But wouldn’t that be even worse? Luke and I tell each other everything. If this were true and he hasn’t told me… Could I forgive him?

I shake my head and wipe my eyes with my sleeve. “Thanks for your concern, but you’re way off base here. You’ve got your signals crossed or something. You’re confusing romantic love and best friend love.”

I disappear into the freezing basement with no one to keep me warm.

~~

It’s Friday and Ben texts me that the party has been moved up to tonight. I’m immediately flooded with two conflicting emotions. First, dread for the party itself and the assholes (six in particular) whom I’ll have to face. But second, relief that I’ll be free tomorrow for Luke’s return home. I won’t have to wait until Sunday to see him. Maybe I can borrow Noah’s car and pick him up at the airport. I’ve heard nothing from him since our text-fight last night.

Noah and Julia are out so the only last minute warnings I have to listen to are the ones sounding in my own head. Ben is already waiting for me on the sidewalk as I slip out the door. He can sense my trepidation as we walk to the park. He takes my hand in his, squeezes and reminds me that it’s him and me tonight. But as we get closer, he lets go of my hand and puts a little space between us. I ignore the sirens in my brain and push forward.

There are probably fifty people at the party, seemingly about half of my high school graduating class. It feels like a ten year mini-reunion, but it’s only been two years. The two assholes from the bowling alley are of course here with their four asshole friends, but when they spot Ben and make introductions, they’re nothing but friendly to me. Pretty much everyone has a beer. Despite the fact that I’ll be 21 in five months, I decline the offer. Ben does not decline. More than an hour goes by and it’s fully dark out now, but the park lights and the fire burning in the pit keep us illuminated.

Ben decides he needs a second beer and leaves me while he heads to the cooler. I keep a close eye on him. Three of the six assholes approach him and start up a conversation. All four of them are laughing and talking. One of them points to the far side of the pond where more groups of people are gathered. We haven’t made it to that side of the park yet and there are obviously people over there that those guys want Ben to meet. They lead Ben away. He looks back at me and, remembering his promise to stick with me, and waves for me to join. I have no desire to stand here alone, so I trudge in that direction.

Before I can catch up with him, the other three assholes are suddenly blocking my path. I smile politely and attempt to move around them, but they don’t let me. One of them says, “Ben’s gonna be busy for a while. Most of the girls are on that side of the pond and he has a lot of people to meet.”

I say nothing. I simply turn around to walk away, but one of them grabs me by the collar of my shirt. “Where’re you going there, Zack? Long time no see. This is the perfect opportunity for us to get reacquainted.”

“I’m headed home,” I say.

“It’s early. We have hours of fun ahead of us.”

Two of them flank me and hook their arms through mine. They drag me, heels digging into the soft grass, until we’re behind the log cabin and clear of most everyone else. Once we’ve reached our quiet destination, one of them says, “Where’s your big strong bodyguard tonight? The one who stuck by you all through school? Did you break up with him?”

“Or trade him in for a newer model?” the third guy says, tossing his empty beer bottle aside.

“Your new guy is easily distracted. He’ll be occupied for a while.” He nods at his friends and they each retake my arms and bend them behind my back.

I cry out in pain. The guy in front of me reveals that he’s holding a baseball bat. He says, “Hey, two guys have their hands all over you. This must be a dream come true for a faggot.”

The one on my left laughs, “He’s probably already popped a boner.”

I struggle against my captors, but to no avail. The master of ceremonies flips the bat to the asshole on my left as he pulls a set of brass knuckles on his right hand. He winds up and slugs an uppercut into my solar plexus. I double over so hard that they drop me to the ground where I curl into the fetal position. My eyes tear up and bile rises in my throat as I cough and gasp for air. My stomach is on fire and I think I might puke.

They all scream at me to get up, threatening to bash my head in if I don’t. It takes a minute as I struggle to my hands and knees. Just then, a kick lands right in my stomach again. My eyes are closed, my ears are ringing and the world is spinning. I think I hear my name being yelled. I still can’t open my eyes. The voice calling out, “Zack!” is getting closer. It’s so familiar, but I can’t place it. Then a third blow lands. Another kick. It gets me right in the skull and everything goes dark and silent.

~~

I wake up in the hospital to glaring light and beeping machines. Noah and Julia are there, looking terrified. Noah grips my hand while Julia strokes my hair and kisses my forehead. A tear streaks down my cheek, “I should have listened to you,” I croak. “I’m an idiot for going to that party.”

Julia shushes me and Noah says, “Don’t think about that right now. You’re going to be okay. You scared the holy fucking shit out of us, but you’re going to be okay. You have a fan club of visitors waiting to see you, but they only allow a couple of people in at a time.”

It must be the world’s smallest fan club. I think of the hand of acceptance and my five fingers. Two of them are in this room right now and two others are still in Texas. I look right at Noah, “Does Mom know what happened to me?”

He holds my eye and nods. “I called her.”

“Did she come?”

His eyes drop to his feet and he shakes his head.

“What did she say?”

“We shouldn’t talk about her right—”

“What did she say?” I demand.

Noah sighs and squeezes my hand harder, “Something about the consequences of the choice you’ve made.”

I can see in his eyes and hear in his voice that he hates that woman with a burning passion. And I love him for that.

Julia kisses my head again, “You have a concussion and some bad bruising, but it could have been a lot worse. In a couple weeks, you’ll be good as new.”

Suddenly I have a flash of fear. I jerk my head too quickly and I see stars. “Is Ben okay?” I ask frantically.

Noah looks confused, “Why wouldn’t he be?”

“He was calling my name. He saved me. Did they attack him too?”

Noah says, “Calm down. Don’t work yourself up.” He runs a hand through his hair, “Ben is fine. He’s in the hall waiting to see you, but he isn’t the one who was calling your name. I used your phone an hour ago to text him and let him know what was going on. He had no idea. He had just assumed you’d left the party and went home.”

I’m relieved that Ben’s okay, but who was calling my name? The voice was familiar but the world was spinning and I couldn’t place it. I look back up at Noah, “So, it was you. You saved me. How did you know where I was? Are you okay? There were three of them and they had a baseball bat.”

“It wasn’t me either.” He scoots his chair closer, “Luke flew home a day early. He thought the party was tomorrow night and he wanted to get to you tonight. He wanted to talk to you. When he got to our house, no one was home. He checked the bookstore, but you weren’t there either. He texted me but I had no information for him. You didn’t tell me that the party was moved to Friday. I told Luke that you’d been hanging out with the next door neighbor a lot and suggested he ring their doorbell. He did. Ben’s parents mentioned something about a party, but they didn’t know the details. That was when Luke remembered that you two have location tracking for each other on your phones. He tracked you down and raced to the park. He fought off those guys, got you to the hospital and called me.”

I think of Luke and my body temperature seems to rise ten degrees. “No offense to the two of you, but can you send him in?”

Noah glances at Julia who says, “Not right now, sweetie.”

I frown, “Did he leave?”

Noah shakes his head, “He’s in another room. He’s being…treated.”

I jerk upright and my head spins again. Noah eases me back down. “He’s going to be okay. He has a broken arm.”

I think of the baseball bat and tears flood my eyes. My protector.

Noah says, “Your best friend is a superhero. He’s country-strong. He fought off three attackers, got his arm broken in the process, still managed to pick you up and carry you to his car, getting you to the emergency room faster than any ambulance ever could have. Luke is…”

“Luke is hurt,” I finish. “Because of me.” I tell my brother, “Please send Ben in here.”

~~

Ben rushes to me and gives me an awkward hug, “I’m not hurting you, am I?” he sits in Noah’s chair.

He did hurt me, but he means the hug. I shake my head slowly.

“Zack, I’m so sorry. I thought you were right behind me. I promised I’d stick to your side. This is all my fault.”

It really isn’t though. I tell him, “No. You had no idea what would happen. And you didn’t force me to go to the party. That’s on me.”

“I promise you Zack, I’m done with those guys.” He takes my hand in his.

I look at our fingers laced together, “Ben, when you told me that you are pan, was that the truth?”

He looks away, “It might be.”

“Uh huh.”

“In fairness,” he says, “I said ‘I think I’m pan’.”

Wow. I just won the Idiot of the Year award. “Why do you hug me so much?”

“We’re friends.”

“Why do you hold my hand? Why did you kiss my head?”

He says nothing.

“Ben, what do you want us to be?”

He smiles, “You’re my new best friend.”

“Right. So, what’s with the mixed signals?”

He sighs, “I’d just moved here and needed a friend. You seemed like a nice guy. When you told me you’re gay, I thought maybe you were hoping I was too. So, I left the door open.” he trails off. “It seemed harmless at the time.”

I let go of his hand, “Ben, you don’t have to be someone you’re not to be my friend. In this town, if you needed to be queer to be in my life, I’d be living alone in a cave.”

A tear rolls down his cheek, “I’m so sorry Zack. I lied to you, I broke my promise and you ended up in the hospital. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again.”

Only some of that is his fault. And we all make mistakes. I tell him, “Since you live next door, that might be tough.”

He chuckles.

“Just give me some time.”

~~

Up next is Gio. I had him pegged as just a “work” friend, but a work friend is a real friend. And here he is. Our first get together outside of work is taking place in the hospital. I think I prefer the bookstore. I apologize for how I reacted the other day when all he was doing was showing me how much he cared. I tell him that while I recover for a couple weeks, he’ll be stuck helping the male customers too. He laughs.

Noah and Julia come back in and sit with me until I fall asleep. When I wake up, my brother is nowhere to be found but I’m not alone. Luke is here. Luke. In person for the first time in weeks. His left arm is in a hard cast from his wrist to just below the shoulder. He’s in jeans and a t-shirt rather than a backless hospital gown like me, so he must have been released. The sight of him makes a tingle roll down to my toes. He saved my life.

When he notices my eyes are open, he clambers to my side.

“Noah just stepped out to deal with your discharge. You’re getting sprung soon.”

Luke is not an “I told you so” kind of a guy, so I say it for him. “You were right. I knew better but I went to that party anyway. I fucked up and you ended up hurt.”

He shakes his head, “It was my fault, I—”

“Luke! In what universe is any of this your fault? You have a family who needs you. I should be able to survive two months without my best friend. I failed you. My erratic behavior forced you to abandon your family and rush home weeks early. And your only reward is a broken arm.”

He shakes his head, “My reward is that my best friend is alive and will be okay.” He shifts in his seat and grimaces in pain.

I touch his good arm, “Let me start over. Thank you for saving my life. I’m sorry I always seem to need rescuing. You cut your trip short because of me, you got hurt because of me… I’m such a fucking mess. I’m a tornado in your life. You should fly back to Texas and—”

He cuts me off, “Zee, I will always… Look, you are not a mess. And you don’t always need rescuing. You are the strongest, bravest, most courageous person I know. I’m not talking about meaningless physical strength.” He places his right hand on my shin through the blanket. “You ‘came out’ to a homophobic parent in a homophobic town at the age of fifteen. You said ‘fuck you’ to anyone who didn’t like it. The important people in your life know how fearless you are.”

He releases my shin and grabs my foot, giving it a jiggle, “I already had my plane ticket to come home early before you even told me about that party. Before you told me about how things were progressing with Ben. But, yeah, when you mentioned the party, I bumped up to the earliest flight I could get. I’m only sorry it wasn’t early enough to keep you safe.”

I scoff, “Is that why you said it was your fault? You think you were too late? Oh my god! You rushed all the way from Texas and saved my life!.”

“It is my fault, but that’s not why.” He blinks hard and clears his throat, “You didn’t text me much while I was away.”

“Well, I understood why you had to go. Your family needed you. I didn’t want to make you feel guilty or anything.” I notice he has more freckles than usual from the Texas sun. I refocus on his striking grey eyes. “You still need to tell me how you could possibly think you did anything wrong.”

“Because I left without telling you.” He lets go of my foot, takes my hand and he squeezes. “Zack, you’ve spent the last five years living inside of this way too small pocket of rural acceptance. Boldly facing hate and fear. Being you.”

I think of the five fingers: Noah, Luke, Julia, Luke’s dad and Gio. Is there a sixth finger? Does Ben count? I’ll decide that later.

Luke continues, “I wanted to tell you before I left, but I chickened out. I’ve been chickening out for five years now.”

“You’re not afraid of anything, Luke.”

He shakes his head, “That’s you. I’m not afraid dumb things. Assholes, bullies, idiots… You’re the one who’s not afraid of real things. That’s why I’m to blame. If I’d told you what I’ve been needing to tell you, you would have never gone to that party.”

“I’m listening now.”

So Luke tells me. He tells me how he never doubted who he was, but he was afraid of so many things. Disappointing his dad, alienating his cousins, his grandmother turning her back on him. And the other kids at school. He had become my bodyguard after I came out. He was afraid he’d be less effective as my protector if he was suddenly as much of a target as I was. And then he had the ridiculous fear that just because he was gay too, he might not necessarily be my type. Maybe I wouldn’t be into him.

As if he wasn’t the object of my tamped down desires and hasn’t been since the day I met him. I tell him, “Luke, you’re tall, strong, brave, gorgeous, kind, generous and sweet. But I’m not, not, not, not, not, not and not. The real question is why me?”

He leans in even closer and brushes hair off my forehead. “Your mirror must be broken. As cute and adorable as you are, you are also one fucking hot and sexy man.”

My cheeks heat up. His knuckles glide gently down my face and he grips my shoulder.

“And sure you’re kind and sweet too, but your strength and bravery are awe inspiring. Who gives a shit about muscles?”

I raise my hand, “Umm… I do!”

He laughs, “And I don’t. Emotional strength turns me on and you’ve been turning me on for five years now.” He goes on to tell me that all the time we spend huddled under the blanket in my freezer of a basement is more about cuddling up close to the guy who gives him tingles than about being cold.

I look at his casted and slinged arm, “I can’t believe you took on three guys and got hit by a baseball bat. All for me. You could have...” I trail off.

He shakes his head, “No. Nothing was gonna stop me. I was still so far away when I saw that asshole wind up for that first punch. I started screaming your name and charging as fast I could. I was already too late, but I was almost really too late. Zee, you were almost killed last night.”

But I wasn’t. Luke was there for me like he always has been. I ask him, “You said you already had your plane ticket. So, why did you come home three weeks early?”

“I finally got up the courage to tell my family that… Well… I came out. But more than that, I told them that I’m in love but the other guy, back in Ohio, didn’t even know it yet. They basically kicked me out.”

“Oh my god! Luke! I’m so sorry!”

“No!” he laughs. “Not like that. In a good way. They insisted that I fly back, run to you and have an epic reuinion full of confessions and tears. My grandma is a romantic. She had a whole movie scene playing out in her mind. That picture I texted you of me and Dad and Grandma… That was taken right after I told them.”

“I love that picture. And you did rush into an epic movie scene.”

“Right. But it was the wrong movie. The wrong genre. It was missing a few key moments.” He leans forward and squeezes my shoulder harder. His steel grey eyes lock on mine and I shiver. “I love you, Zee.” And then he kisses me. My real first kiss. And my second, third and fourth. It’s a good thing I’m not hooked up to a heart monitor or it might have exploded by now.

~~

Two Weeks Later:

“I can do things you know. I’m right handed,” Luke grins up at me.

We’re at my mom’s house and I just finished mowing the lawn that hadn’t been mowed since I last did it weeks ago. I made Luke sit in a lawn chair and watch me while sipping ice cold lemonade. I’ve been cleared for normal activities by my doctor and the concussion protocol is officially over. Luke’s cast will be on for a few more weeks and I don’t let him do anything. Like seriously nothing. I even take off and put on his shoes for him, which I actually enjoy doing and he always enjoys the foot massage that accompanies the taking off part. I’ve quickly learned all of his favorite spots on his huge size 12 feet.

He also needs lots of help bathing. Like lots of help with sponging, washing, scrubbing, rinsing, stroking…all over. Everywhere. Especially in uninjured and very healthy, responsive places. You get the idea. And I’m very skilled at triggering a response. Usually, all I have to do is look at him and the response begins. But I love using my tools and instruments too. Sponges, loofas, soaps… These days Luke is a very clean boy. I give him lots of baths.

I tell him, “It’s a good thing it’s your left arm so I can still fairly beat you in bowling once that cast is off.”

“Is it really fair though if I’ve been secretly letting you win all this time?”

I make a face, “You do not.”

“But now I’ve planted the seed of doubt and you’ll never know for sure.” He grins like a fool before turning serious, “Does your mom appreciate what you do around here? Like, at all? Does she even notice?”

I sigh. “Probably not, but it needs doing so I do it more for Noah than for her.”

I’m standing on a kitchen chair trying my best to change a battery in a smoke detector that’s been beeping since we got here. But I’m struggling hard. The damn thing won’t screw back on. I’m using both hands and my feet wobble on the chair for just one second. Luke rushes to me and wraps his good arm around my waist.

“It was nothing,” I say. “I’m fine.”

“You can’t risk a fall. You’re done with concussions.”

With my arms raised, Luke takes advantage of my vulnerable position. My shirt has ridden up above my waistband and Luke slides down my body until he is eye to eye with my navel. He hasn’t done anything yet, but I’m already giggling in anticipation. “Don’t you dare! I can’t lower my arms right now and defend myself.”

“Defend? Like I would ever— Hey! I see you’re wearing Adidas underwear today.” He squeezes me tighter, holding me steady.

My jeans must be sagging. I blush, “All my secrets have been revealed.”

He drags his finger across the currently stretched, taught skin of my lower abdomen and my giggles turn to laughter. He pushes my shirt up higher and blows a ridiculous raspberry into my tummy. I’m quickly hardening within my jeans, mere inches from Luke’s face.

I almost drop the smoke detector. “Okay, now I really am going to fall.”

He winks, “You know you’re safe with me.”

Of course I am. “I also know that I just finished mowing the lawn. I’m sweaty, smelly and gross right now.”

He nuzzles his nose in my belly button and takes in a comically deep breath, “My manly ripe man. Just one of the many ways I love you. I had to watch you strut all around in front of me with the lawn mower and I couldn’t do a thing about it. Now, you’re at my mercy.”

I finally get the damn thing aligned with the treads and it twists into place. His face is still in my navel, but he’s kissing now, so I stay where I am and enjoy the attention. Luke has spent time kissing and caressing my stomach every day since I took that brass-knuckled punch in the gut two weeks ago. He continues to kiss and lick my belly and my knees begin to buckle. I entangle my fingers in his hair and he lifts me off the chair with just his one good arm. He carries me into my old room and we collapse onto the bed. We’re here right now because my mother isn’t. We knew she would be at work.

I’m on my back and he kisses me deeply. His tongue invades my mouth and wrestles my own tongue into submission, causing my cock to stiffen even more in my pants. Luke tastes so good. Over the course of six years of friendship, I tried to not think about what this would feel like. Little did I know that Luke was battling the same thoughts. He tugs one-handed at my shirt and I wiggle out of it. He takes me in with his eyes and defying all logic, his grin tells me he likes what he sees. And so does the steel rod in his pants.

He slides his tongue down my chin and my neck and says, “Yum,” as he tastes my skin, salty from sweat. Despite the fact that it’s not like a meat locker in here, his attention to my neck gives me goosebumps. His fingers trail from my wrist down my arm. I giggle as he teases my armpit, strums my rib cage, tickles my side and caresses my hip bone. I am now at full erection.

Luke stops and says, “Umm, I know this is the complete opposite of sexy, but I can’t unbutton your jeans with one hand. Help!”

I laugh. And then I comply. And suddenly, I’m naked except for white crew socks with grass stains around the ankles. Luke’s eyes dance all over me once again. He wordlessly makes me feel the opposite of scrawny. The opposite of weak.

He wraps a big paw around my raging tentpole and I bite down on my lip. He grips, rubs and tugs and no one in the history of the world has had a harder erection than mine right now. Next, he licks up and down my length furiously like he’s battling a melting ice cream cone and I begin to moan uncontrollably. Then he swallows me whole and my fingers find their way back into his hair. I guide him up and down, on and off, fast and slow… I’m feeling sensations I never before knew existed. I’m panting breathlessly as my heartrate kicks up. Luke does a swirl maneuver with his tongue and my fuse has been lit. There’s no going back now. It will only be a matter of seconds. Luke senses it and he swirls me again. And again. I actually scream out as I pump out the biggest load of my life.

I end up proud that I last five minutes against his violent attack, but I’m happy to succumb in blissful defeat. I orgasmed so hard that I’m not sure my toes will ever uncurl. My whole body is shaking and shuddering in the aftermath of insane pleasure. He slides his tongue up my abdomen, my chest, my neck and back to my mouth where we kiss a whole lot more.

Then, we switch places. His cast prevents me from taking his shirt off, but I push it up to his armpits and take in the sight of my chiseled hero. I bury my face in his chest and breathe in the scent of man. I kiss and nibble my way down his sternum and Luke giggles as I cross his belly. I take the drawstring of his sweatpants in my teeth and playfully tug until it’s untied. Pulling his pants down I can see that I was wrong before. He is at least as hard as I was. It blows my mind that this is all is response to me. Me! Luke is this turned on over me! Unreal. I regard my favorite seven inches of my favorite person and I go at him like a wild animal. I devour him. I make him make noises that hardly sound human. In the end, victory is mine as he only lasts four minutes against my assault. Tough guy.

~~

I’ve only just gotten my jeans back on when the front door opens and closes. Luke and I look at each other with wide eyes, like guilty kids caught in the act. Except we’re consenting adults with nothing to be ashamed of. I thought this was hours early for Mom, so the bedroom door is open. I guess I really don’t know her schedule anymore. I slip my shirt back on and quickly tie the drawstring on Luke’s sweatpants.

I lead Luke out to the kitchen where Mom is looking at the old battery from the smoke detector lying on the table.

I say, “I’ll take that with me and recycle it.”

She startles and turns to us, “It’s not beeping anymore,” she says vacantly.

“Mom, you remember Luke?”

She seems to come into focus. “You think I’d forget your best friend?” She narrows her eyes, “How come your cheeks are flushed?”

I blush even harder, “From mowing the lawn. It’s hot outside today.”

She shakes her head, “I’m pretty sure that Mister Broken Arm here wasn’t pushing any lawn mowers and his cheeks are flushed too.” She looks closer at us and then she actually smiles. “You two… You actually… You’re in…”

I nod. “I am.”

Luke cocks an eyebrow.

“I mean, we are.”

He smiles, approving of my correction.

Mom seems…not drunk. Yet, anyway. Though come to think of it, there are no empty bottles decorating the house today. And it’s way cleaner than usual. “So… We’re finished here. We were just leaving.” I say, grabbing the old battery.

She looks at me hard for a long minute. Her eyes are clear and focused. And then they turn watery. “I’m glad you…” she trails off. “When I heard what happened, I wanted to… I didn’t think you’d want…” Her eyes move from me to Luke. She holds his gaze and says, “Thank you for saving my son’s life.”

I had no idea she was aware of any details. Luke just nods.

I clear my throat, “The lawn is mowed, the bathroom faucet is holding up, the smoke detector is fixed and the garbage cans are out. We’re gonna get going.”

We move for the door and Mom says, “I was thinking about ordering pizza. Would you both join me?”

Luke puts his good arm around my shoulders and says, “That would be nice.”

Would it?

She looks from him back to me again, registering the 5” difference in our heights. She tells him. “Ten feet tall and bulletproof. You’ve always looked out for him, haven’t you?”

He nods again, “And I always will.” He kisses the top of my head.

Mom smiles again.

I say, “He also makes the best big spoon.”