Why Didn't You Tell Me?

I remember that first day like it was yesterday. I was the new kid at school after moving from Indiana. It didn’t help that it was the literal middle of the school day, so my fresh face was the talk of the class. I sat down at the empty seat in front of the class as the teacher put a movie on. I watched the movie without really watching it. My eyes looked at the screen while my mind raced with all my memories of home and how badly I wished I could go back.

I felt a wad of paper hit the back of my head. Great, I thought, not even five minutes into my first day and somebody was already picking on the new chubby black kid. I turned around to see a kid not too far from my desk wave at me. It wasn’t a mocking wave but felt friendly somehow. Even in the dim room, I could make out his spiky blonde hair.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “I just wanted to get your attention. What’s your name?”

“Austin,” I said

“I’m Derek.”

Despite being the first person who ever actually spoke to me, Derek and I never really got that close. We talked now and then and even ate lunch sometimes, but throughout that eighth-grade year, we mostly stayed acquaintances. We “reconnected” sophomore year of high school. I was walking around the cafeteria during lunch when I bumped into Derek.

“Austin, dude, what’s up?” He gave me a friendly hug.

“Nothing much,” I said. “Just chilling.”

“Hey, me and some friends are gonna go smoke. Wanna come?”

I wasn’t a smoker. Swore I never would after my birth father died from lung cancer. It was never easy to convince me to do anything bad. I got a good look at Derek then as he awaited my answer. He had grown since middle school. His hair was still spiky, but he fashioned it into a faux hawk. His body was practically the opposite of mine. It didn’t look like he worked out at all. He was skinny with the bare minimum of muscle. I was taller than him but not by much, which was saying something since I was 6 foot 2.

“Sure,” I said without thinking. “I don’t smoke though.”

“That’s cool. You can just hang.”

He took me to the side of the school where three or four other guys were already smoking and talking amongst themselves. Derek introduced me and they all respectfully said hi then went back to their previous conversations. I stayed near Derek since I didn’t know anyone and had a pretty good time. I never connected with anyone else in the group and they never went out of their way to get to know me. I didn’t care. I was there to hang with Derek so that’s what I did.

The next couple of years were interesting. I didn’t hang with Derek and the boys every day, but when I did. I saw Derek differently. I couldn’t help but notice how cute his smile was. It was hard not to notice, especially since he turned and smiled at me a lot. During our senior year, there was a new person in the group. A shorter girl with dark red hair that Derek always had his arm around. His new girlfriend, Danielle. I thought I would be jealous of her, but it didn’t turn out that way. My mind had already filed Derek as unobtainable a long time ago, so instead, I was happy to see him happy. Even with Danielle around him, he still would look at me and smile, but I thought nothing of it. I just thought that was just Derek being friendly as he always was.

After I graduated, I moved to Florida for college. I didn’t tell any of my friends, mostly because I didn’t think it a big deal. I lived there for three years. During the second half of my first year there, I met a guy who eventually became my first boyfriend. After two-and-a-half years together, he cheated on me and left me with no place to go. I had to drop out of college and go back home to my parent’s house. One night, while I was playing some game on my Playstation, I heard tapping at my window. I turned to see Derek with that smile of his waving at me. I pulled open the window with a confused look on my face.

“Derek, dude, what are you doing here? It’s almost midnight.”

“Came to see you dumbass,” he said, still smiling. “I heard you came back from wherever you went.”

“How?”

“Anthony saw you at Best Buy. He works there now.”

I just stared at him for a second. He hadn’t changed at all. He was maybe a little taller and I could see a skull and crossbones tattoo on his collarbone.

“You gonna let me in or…” he trailed off as I went to the backdoor and opened it for him.

“Stay quiet,” I said as I shut the door. “My parents are sleeping upstairs.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Derek looked around the kitchen, then into the room I was playing games in. He rushed over to the couch, noticing the surrounding blankets. “You sleep here?”

“My brother got my room after I left.”

“Oh,” he laid back on the couch and looked at the game I had on pause. “I forgot you were a gamer nerd.”

“Always will be.”

“I’m guessing college wasn’t as cool as they say it is.”

“It’s a little more complicated than that.”

I started telling him everything. Not just about school and how the college kind of screwed me over, but of my ex and him cheating on me. I thought Derek already knew, but the look on his face said otherwise. I couldn’t finish telling my story before he interrupted me.

“Wait, wait. You’re gay?”

“Yeah,”

Derek looked confused and even a little hurt. “Dude, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it mattered. I was the chubby black kid. No guy would wanna date me, so I just kinda kept it to myself.”

“Seriously?” Derek said. His face turned from confusion to anger.

“Why do you care so much? What about Danielle?”

He hesitated a little, then told me about him and Danielle. They were high school sweethearts. They lived in a very nice apartment and even had a kid. It should have been a romantic, cheerful story, but it seemed almost like a tragedy with the way his face looked as he spoke. Afterward, we sat in silence for a moment.

“I really wish you told me,” he said finally.

“Why? We were cool Derek, but to be fair, we weren’t that close.”

“Maybe I wanted to be.”

“Well, I’m back in town. We could hang more if you want to.”

“I don’t know,” Derek said, looking at the floor.

“So you wanna be friends, but you don’t?”

“No,”

“You know that doesn’t make any damn sense, right?”

Derek gave me a confused look. “You don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what?”

Derek chuckled and shook his head. “You’re still the same adorable dumbass.” He looked right into my eyes. His face was serious. “I liked you, Austin. I always did.”

I shrugged. “Ok, I thought you were cool people too. That’s why I hung out with you sometimes at lunch.”

“No, you idiot. I like you.”

It took a minute for my brain to catch up with what Derek was telling me. I felt my eyes widen and my heart raced. “Oh,” I said. “Oh… oh…”

Derek sighed. “But you didn’t like me and I just made an ass of myself.”

“No,” I said, still trying to make sure this was all real. “No, that’s not it at all. I just need to make sure I’m not dreaming.”

“I was in your dreams?”

“Sometimes, it was mostly Brandon.”

“Football player Brandon?”

“Yup,”

“He’s a cop now.”

“Really? Good for him.”

Derek sat back on the couch, putting his hands behind his head. “So, when did you say to yourself, ‘Damn, that Derek guy is fuckin’ hot.’”

“I don’t know. It just kind of happened. I think the real question is when do you think, ‘Wow, that chubby guy sure looks cute today.’”

Derek scowled at me. “I never cared that you were chubby. I liked the way you talked and how you always seemed so happy about everything.” He looked me up and down. “You look good now though if that makes you feel better.”

I had lost a bit of weight partly thanks to the slight depression I had after my ex cheated on me and I refused to eat. I wasn’t as skinny as Derek, but I looked more average than chubby now. 

“Well, what about Danielle? Does she know you had a crush on the token black kid of the group?”

Derek scowled again, clearly not liking my joke, but then it softened into sadness. “No, and I’m not gonna tell her. She doesn’t need to know.”

“That’s fair. You’re a family man now I guess.”

“I really wish you told me,” he repeated.

“If I had known you felt that way, maybe I would’ve.”

I didn’t know where to look so I glanced at my game’s pause menu then took the controller to turn down the music. When I turned back to Derek, he was staring at me.

“What?” I asked, putting the controller down.

“Isn’t this the part where we jump each other’s bones?” he asked. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. 

“You watch way too much porn. Besides, I’m not gonna be the one that fucks up people’s lives. You have a family, Derek.”

He was quiet for a long while, still not taking his eyes off me. “You’re gonna burn your screen if you keep the pause screen on too long.” He said straightening up on the couch.

I knew he was right. I picked up the controller and started turning off the Playstation altogether. As soon as the screen faded, I felt Derek’s hand on my face. My body lurched slightly as he brought our faces together into a long, soft kiss. It was gentle. Almost exactly as I imagined it would be. He leaned back, looking right at my eyes again.

“Was that okay?” he asked softly.

The correct answer was no. Not that I didn’t want Derek. I always did, but it was still so soon after the harsh breakup with my ex. Not to mention he was still with the mother of his child. Everything in my mind was screaming to reject him but my mouth responded, “Yeah.”

Our lips touched again, still soft, still gentle. I didn’t want to push. Maybe this was all he wanted. That idea flew out the window when his tongue brushed against my lips and I let it in. The kiss got wilder, so much so that I had to push him aside.

“What?” he said.

“My family is upstairs,” I pointed upwards towards the ceiling. “They might hear us.”

“Oh, they don’t know you’re gay?”

“They do, and they’re cool with it. I don’t think they’d be cool with me making out with a dude on their couch though.”

Derek looked out the window he tapped on earlier and nodded. “Let’s go outside then.”

I should’ve said no. I should've told him to go home, but I let him take my hand and drag me to the backyard. It was a pretty sparse backyard with nothing but a couple of chairs and a trampoline my brother loved to jump on after school. I sat down in one chair and Derek straddled me, sitting on my lap.

“Dude, I don’t know about this,” I said desperately trying to be the good guy in this situation.

Derek put his hands on my chest. Even through my shirt, he could probably feel my heart pounding.

“Austin,” his voice was lower than usual. I hated the way it turned me on even more. He could probably feel that too. “Forget about Danielle, forget everything. Just pretend this is a dream or something.”

It was a weird feeling. Part of me wanted nothing more than to jump on him right then and fulfill my teenage dreams. Another part of me knew this was wrong. That this could ruin him and even his family. I looked up at Derek and he smiled at me. That damn smile made me melt every time I saw it. He leaned down, but I put a hand on his chest to stop him. His heart was beating just as fast as mine was.

“If we start this,” I said. “There’s no going back. You’re gonna fuck me.”

“I wanna fuck you,” he said, still smiling. 

We stayed like that for what felt like forever. Our hands feeling each other’s hearts race. Our faces mere inches apart. We finally closed the space between us and resumed right where we left off before. It didn’t feel gentle like before. I could feel the desire growing between us. The way his tongue wrestled with mine, the way he peeled my shirt off. There was more than just lust here. It felt like he needed this. In the three years I lived in Florida, he could’ve fulfilled this with any gay guy. Derek was attractive enough to land any guy he wanted, but he wanted to do this with me. He needed it to be me.

He broke away and started kissing down my body. I was doing my best to stifle my moans and the way Derek looked up at me after every kiss; he knew he was doing a good job of riling me up. He stopped just above my sleep pants, giving me a questioning look.

“You don’t have to,” I said.

I didn’t think he’d want to, but he swiftly unbuttoned my pants and let my dick free. He stroked it for a bit, causing me to breathe even heavier. He locked his eyes on me as he licked me up and down slowly. I couldn’t tell if he was teasing me or making the moment last, and I didn’t care. His sexy eyes staring into me as he did it made me go crazy. It was obvious he knew this because he let his damn smile creep through just before he took me inside of his mouth.

My hands gripped the arms of the chair as Derek bobbed his head, taking more of me each time he went down. There was no way I was his first. He was too good at it. His tongue would swirl around the head as he came up. It felt as if he tightened his throat every time he went down. He took a free hand up to my balls and massaged them a bit before letting my dick out from his mouth with a small pop.

“Don’t cum yet,” he whispered. “I want this to last.”

“When did you get so good at sucking?” I was still trying to catch my breath.

“I watch way too much porn,” That smile again. 

Derek leaned up and gave me a quick deep kiss, letting me taste myself before peeling off his shirt. He straddled me again, taking my hand and putting it on his throbbing member. 

“You want it?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“I’ll let you suck it for a sec, but not for too long. I gotta get inside you.”

He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled out his dick. This asshole was going commando.

“Really?” I asked sarcastically as I reached to stroke him. He smirked as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a single-use packet of lube.

“I might’ve planned this,” he said.

“No shit. Did you bring a condom?”

“I’ve wanted this for years. I’m gonna feel all of you.” He stopped himself for a moment. “I mean if that’s okay with you.”

I let out a deep sigh. This was getting more and more dangerous. Not just from the bareback sex Derek so obviously planned, but from what this could mean for the both of us afterward.

“I trust you,” I said once again without thinking.

Derek’s smirk stuck to his face as he thrust his crotch towards my face. Pure instinct took over as I took all of him into my mouth. I didn’t care if it didn’t look as sexy as when he sucked me. This was my fantasy coming true, and I planned to savor every moment. He smelled like the perfect mix of man and musk and tasted almost sweet. I could see myself waking up and tasting this every morning and never tiring of it. He took his hand to my head as I sucked, praising me every step of the way. I swore I heard him say:

“I knew you’d be better than Danielle.”

He forced me off his dick and leaned down to kiss me again. He looked behind him at the trampoline, then at me again with a wide smile. 

I shook my head. “There’s no damn way you’re fucking me on that trampoline.”

“Well, where else are we gonna fuck? We can’t go inside.”

I didn’t argue. I knew it was pointless. He lifted me from the chair and headed towards the trampoline, throwing his jeans off onto the cold grass. I followed suit, knowing this could be the perfect chance to stop him and go back inside. It was too late. I had tasted perfection and wanted more. So much more. We got up onto the trampoline and Derek pulled me in for another passionate kiss. He broke off for a second to wet a finger and put it to my hole. I moaned as he pushed in. 

“Damn, didn’t know you were so into bottoming Austin,” he smirked again before nibbling my lip. “It’s kinda hot.”

“I’m versatile, you ass,” I meant to sound harsh, but his finger was poking at just the right spot and it came out as a weak moan.

“That’s even hotter.”

He worked a second finger in before I pushed off of him, bouncing slightly on the trampoline. When I stopped, I rolled onto my back and lifted my legs. Nothing else needed to be said. He opened the packet of lube putting half of the contents on his dick then the other on my hole. It felt cold, especially when the wind blew past us. I felt Derek’s warmth as he scooted towards me, careful not to bounce too much. He lined himself to my hole then looked down at me.

“No turning back?” he asked.

“Fuck me, Derek,” I growled.

He smiled as he worked his way into me. The last time I had sex was with my ex a couple of days before I found out what he was doing behind my back. That was about a month ago. I knew it was going to be a tight fit, even though Derek wasn’t as big. He was about halfway in when he stopped and let out a pleasured sigh.

“You feel so good. This is so much better than I thought it would be.”

“You sure? You’re not even all the way in yet.”

With that, he thrust the rest of the way in hard and fast. I let out an embarrassing mix of a moan and a yelp. Derek smiled again as he moved inside me. He was savoring this moment between us, and so was I. I couldn’t help but moan with every thrust. I sounded like a bitch in heat, moaning out profanities and Derek’s name every time he hit that spot. If I didn’t know any better, I would think he was making love to me. 

“This could’ve been us,” Derek said as he picked up the pace. “I would’ve fucked this hot ass every night. I would’ve made you so fucking happy, Austin.” 

Even in the heat of the moment, I noticed a tear form in his eye. I reached up to pull him down for a kiss as he pumped into me faster and faster. His need to be inside me reaching a breaking point. 

“I’m gonna cum soon,” he said, looking into my eyes with such desire I almost couldn’t bear it.

“Don’t stop,” I pleaded. “Cum inside me.”

He stopped for just a second as he leaned up and held onto my hips, then pumped into me hard. It was the hardest, lustful fuck I had ever gotten. He couldn’t last long after that. He grunted hard through clenched teeth and released his seed into me. I could feel all of it as he continued to pound through his pleasure. I couldn’t take much more either. Just as he made one last hard thrust, I came. Jets of white flying onto my belly, chest, and face. I tried to be quiet, but at the height of it, I screamed in pleasure. Derek brought his hand to my mouth to silence me before the neighbors, or worse, my parents could notice. I was dizzy. I barely noticed his hand. When I eventually came down, I kissed his palm, lapping at it with my tongue. He pulled his hand back, replacing it with his lips. We laid there basking in the afterglow, eventually looking up at the dark clouds above us.

“What would you have done if I told you I was gay?” I asked as I ran my hand through his hair.

“I would’ve asked you out,” he breathed. “I would’ve taken you to see some dumb movie then maybe some dumb restaurant then fucked your dumb ass.”

We both laughed at that last part. It died quickly after we both realized that there was no turning back time. We were silent for a while before I sat up and straddled him. His hands settled nicely on my hips as if they belonged there. We didn’t need to say more. His dick was hardening again, and it found my hole easily. It was much slower this time. We spent more time exploring each other rather than straight fucking.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Derek asked, slowly thrusting into me. His eyes still looked misty and wet. It felt like he was waiting for me all this time, but I was too late to see it. He knew part of it was his fault too. I could tell by the way he asked. That we missed the one chance to be together was on both of our heads, and after tonight there was nothing we could do about it.

I leaned down, giving him a long sensual kiss.

“Make me yours,” I said before letting out a slight moan when he thrust into me. “Even if it’s just tonight.”

Saying nothing, he sat up and held me tight, still doing his best to move inside me, but he was letting his emotions get the best of him. I lay down on my back, taking him with me. I looked up into his eyes and they met mine. He truly made love to me then. It was slower than before but faster than when we were just enjoying each other’s bodies. When he was close, he kissed me, moaning into my mouth as he released another load into me. I came shortly after, coating our stomachs with white as we came down for the last time. 

It was hard to tell how much time had passed, but eventually, Derek sat up without looking at me.

“I should go.”

“Yeah,” I said with a weak nod.

Derek hopped off the trampoline and grabbed his jeans, trying to rush his legs into them. I knew what was going on. He feared what would happen if he stayed any longer. If I was being honest, so was I. Before he left, he turned back towards me, flashing me that smile. It was the last time I ever saw it. 

“It was good seeing you, Austin. I’m glad you’re back.”

“Me too.” It was all I could muster before Derek turned and walked off.

I saw Derek one last time after our time together that night. I bumped into him and Danielle randomly at Walmart trying to find something for my mom. They looked happy. Danielle expressed how good it was to see me and that I should meet the baby one of these days. I nodded and looked at Derek. He smiled, but it wasn’t the same as every other time he smiled at me. It looked content, determined even. He had made his choice and was sticking with it. I nodded at him and he nodded at me. Just like that night, nothing else needed to be said. 

As I watched them leave, I didn’t feel remorseful or anything like that. We both fulfilled each other’s desires and now it was time for us to move on. Maybe in another life, one or both of us will have the balls to talk to each other and see what happens.