Two Freshman

There were pricks everywhere not just in the bed next to mine. I used Saturday afternoon to get ahead with my homework. My roommate worked at his desk. When I got back to the room this morning, he was dressed and at his desk.

“Hey,” I said. “You doing OK today?”

“Sure,” he said as though nothing had happened the day before.

“You need to talk about anything? You’re OK with yesterday.”

He turned and looked at me. “What are talking about? I’m fine.”

I nodded and sat down at my desk and began working. At lunchtime, I changed into regular shorts and went down to eat. I didn’t ask him to join me. He was gone when I came back. I focused on my work, but occasionally, I did have the urge to ask him if his father would really kill him if I told on him. Had it just been a story to get me to screw him? Could he have been that manipulative? Or was he just another cold-hearted piece of shit?

Dinnertime arrived, and I changed my shirt. I stood looking at myself in the mirror. Part of me wanted to eat at a different dining hall to see if I could pick up another cute piece of ass, but another part of me realized how empty today had been. Tonight would be just as empty. Unless…

I grabbed a couple of condoms and some packets of lube and stuffed them in my pocket. I put my phone in the other pocket and I headed across campus. As I walked to what was called ‘The Old Mess Hall,’ I noticed for the first time how unattractive the campus was. Every building was in a different style with different colors of stones or bricks. I didn’t come here for the architecture, I reminded myself. I came here for the men. Two more weeks until midterms, and you still haven’t found love.

I heard a motorcycle go by with some grey-bearded man riding it. I’m not here for love, I told myself. I’m looking for a good time, like the one I had this morning. I caught myself smiling; he was all over me, wasn’t he? I wanted more of that. I hurried along to the cafeteria.

I was surprised by the oldest dining hall. It was rather stately with stained glass windows and nice clean tables. I got some turkey, mashed potatoes, Brussel sprouts, and iced tea. I also grabbed some pie. I picked a table where I could see people as they sat and ate. I had finished my dessert without spotting anyone who noticed me, and I wondered whether I should search for someone with my phone app.

A worker came by and took my dishes and silverware. I stretched and looked at the intricate designs in the ceiling. The metal panels reflected the lights from the chandeliers, and the shadows formed by the raised areas resulted in a mix of light, medium, and dark shadows. Some of the shadows seemed to dance a two-step. I was intrigued to the point that I didn’t notice the tall graduate student walk up until he began to sit across from me.

“Joseph?”

I looked at him. “I’m Mark.”

“No,” he raised an eyebrow. “I’m Joseph.”

I smiled. “OK.”

“Are you ready?”

Now it was my turn to raise an eyebrow. “For what?”

“Aren’t you the guy I was chatting with?” he asked.

“No.” I shook my head, and I saw his cheeks get red. H glanced around. “Are you OK?” I asked.

“Yeah.” The way he said it, I knew he wasn’t.

I chuckled. “What’d you do? Try to hire someone to rub your feet, help you with your homework?” I smiled at him.

I saw his Adam’s apple move up and down.

“Was it a hook-up?” I whispered.

His whole face went flush.

And I got the checkered flag. Except that Joseph stood up and walked out of the room. I didn’t want to chase after him; the guy was petrified.

I pulled out my phone and opened the gay hook-up app. I know it wasn’t called that, but that’s what it was. I looked at the map; there were at least twenty active guys within half a mile. One of them was less than a hundred feet. I clicked on him. “Is this J? This is Mark.”

I waited almost thirty seconds before a message came back. “Who is this?”

“Weren’t we just talking at the table in the dining hall?”

“How’d you find me?”

“You’re less than one hundred feet away. I think you’re attractive. I wish you hadn’t left.”

“Really?”

“Really. I’m interested in knowing what you’re looking for.”

“I need a top.”

“Do you want me to fuck you?”

“Yes. No kissing; just that.”

“OK. Whatever you want.”

“I’m outside the door,” said Joseph. “Can you come with me now?”

“On my way.” I rose immediately and stepped over to the doors. I saw him standing in the vestibule; he looked nervous. I walked up to him. “What’s the matter, Joseph? Are you worried that someone will find out?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s our secret.”

“I’m across the street,” he said. “Module A, Room 137.” He glanced around. “Wait a few minutes, then… you know.” He walked away.

I wondered what his story was. Could this be a setup? Was he planning to do me in? I didn’t want to, but I sent a text to Jackson. “Wondering if I’m about to die. If I disappear, I went to Module A, 137.” Then I turned my phone off. I was being silly. I knew he was just a horny guy who was worried that people would think differently about him if they knew he liked taking dick up the ass.

I took my time walking out and onto the sidewalk. I looked toward the housing Joseph lived in. At least, I assumed he lived there. I thought I saw him crossing the street. I did my best not to hurry, maybe he wanted to clean up before I got there. I paused and sat down at a bench next to the sidewalk. He was meeting someone in the dining hall. Wouldn’t he have already cleaned up his place? Maybe he was planning to go to the other guy’s place. What the hell am I thinking? I’ve got the guy cleaning his place before he does me in. What if he’s spreading plastic to catch the blood and reduce the splatter? Shit. Maybe I should go back to my room, tie Hawk up and fuck him until I have no more energy. No. I was being stupid. I stood up and walked to Joseph’s apartment.

A light rap at the door was answered quickly. “Sorry if I seem weird,” Joseph told me right away. “I’m just stressed and anxious. Fucking my girlfriend just makes me more stressed. She so demanding, and I thought I could get on all fours and jerk off while someone fucks me and fucks the stress away.”

“OK. Sounds good.” I did think it was strange, but when he mentioned getting fucked, my dick responded.

“I’ve got condoms.”

“I have my own.”

Joseph pulled his pants and underwear halfway down to his thighs and positioned himself on the couch with his knees at the end of the cushion and his hands on the back. “How big are you?”

I slid my pants down and pulled my dick out. “Just average,” I said as I slipped the condom on and slathered it with lube.

I saw Joseph begin to jerk his dick, and I stepped up behind him and began to push inside him. He made no sounds. I moved in and out until I was able to penetrate him completely. I placed my hands on his hips and began to fuck him in earnest. He still said nothing. At some point, he twitched and then released his dick.

He didn’t move at all after that. I continued to screw him, but I felt no excitement, and even the pressure of his ass gripping my dick was not that great. At that point, he said, “Are you almost done? I’ve already come. You can stop.”

I pulled my dick out and slid the condom off, forcing it inside out as I did. I zipped up my pants and took the used rubber with me as I walked out. I’d never felt lonelier, emptier, or lost. I almost stepped in front of a car as I made my way back to the dorm.

Why did I do that? I kept asking myself. I realized I was still holding the condom, and I threw it into the nearest trash can. I ran to the dorm and took the stairs to my room. The room was empty when I got there, and I was glad. I stripped my clothes and took a shower.

I let the water run over me. I didn’t like what was happening. The emptiness was grander than the loneliness. Fucking felt good while I was fucking. But there was such emptiness after. My tears mixed with the water and swirled down the drain. I imagined myself slipping down the drain as well, being knocked around in the pipe and landing in the sewer. Is that where I was now, or did I have time to save myself?

I stepped out of the shower and stood in front of the mirror. I didn’t like the person I saw. Instead of looking at men as possible life partners and the possibility of the happiness that we might have, I only saw them as someone to have sex with. Had I lost the person I used to be, the one who looked for love?

I was in bed just a little bit later. There was a tightness in the back of my head. I got up and grabbed my phone and then slid back under the covers. I turned it on.

My phone blew up with messages from Jackson. “Are you OK?” “You don’t sound OK.” “Where are you now?” “I’m worried.” “Are you OK?” “?” “??” “???” I heard a hard knocking at the door. I got up and grabbed fresh underwear.

“Who is it?”

There was a muffled sound. I opened the door, and Jackson pushed in. “Where the fuck have you been?” He closed the door behind him then turned around and punched me. “What the hell have you been doing?”

“I went with a guy to his apartment. It was a disaster.”

“You fucking told me that you might disappear. You fucking bastard. I was so scared.”

I looked at Jackson; he was trembling. His eyes were filled with tears.

“Jackson, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You’re just a selfish asshole. Where’s the Mark I fell in love with? Where did he go, you self-centered piece of shit?”

“Oh, Jackson. That guy couldn’t find love, so he started to think of sex as intimacy and he lost his way. He got buried inside me, but he’s screaming to get out. I want to get out. Help me.”

“I tried. I tried to let you know that I had started caring about you in a way that was deeper than friends. But you didn’t notice.”

“Tell me I didn’t fuck it up.” Now tears filled my eyes. “Tell me it’s not too late.”

Jackson stepped closer.

“Tell me what to do.” I paused for a second. “No, you don’t need to tell me. I know. You’ve become my best friend, and I care about you. You’re more dear to me than any other person. I’m an idiot for not seeing it.”

Jackson threw his arms around me. “Apology accepted.” He pulled me closer, and I felt the caring love I had always wanted.