The Theory of Chaos

Justin ambled down a corridor, the one that led past the toilet rooms, looking for an exit. He needed fresh air. In the last ten minutes he had made a mess of everything and couldn’t take any more of the judgmental stares, the snide comments or watch Emily shedding tears while calling him an asshole and a little shit. He deserved it, all of it, but after a while, he didn’t need to hear anymore. It wouldn’t make him feel any worse, no matter how hard everyone else at the table tried.

Around a corner Justin finally stumbled upon an exit. Pushing through out into the night he took a deep breath, the first he had been able to take without feeling like he would throw up. He held his head back and stared up into the nighttime sky wondering how the night could possibly get weirder.

“What brings you out?”

Justin stumbled, caught himself and looked over to where the voice came from. He was surprised to see Anthony sitting on a low wall, feet dangling over the opposite side, looking over his shoulder.

“Anthony; you scared the shit out of me.”

“Are you being racist?”

“What? No…huh?” Justin stammered, not sure if Anthony is serious or not.

Anthony starts to laugh, then turns back around looking out over the parking lot. Justin realizes the exit is near the port cochere at the entry and out in front of him all his classmate’s rides to the prom. Trucks, small hatchbacks, SUVs and sitting up close a line of limos, one of which is his own rental. He walks toward Anthony feeling they are in the same boat.

“Have a seat Justin and tell me why you’re not inside with Lisa” said Anthony without looking around.

Justin eases down next to Anthony and sits quiet for a minute.

“I’m not sure, but…”

The front doors swing open, banging against their stops and voices can be heard moving out toward the parking lot. Indistinct but loud, growing louder as the group steps underneath the port cochere. Lisa, followed by Charley and Paula, storm across the drop-off lane and around the landscaped island where the support columns are positioned.

“…that son of a bitch. He actually had the nerve to say he was sorry. Can you fucking believe…” exclaims Lisa, who for some unknown reason, turns to where Justin is sitting. She freezes for a moment, then lets the long prom dress drop to the ground as she raises both hands, the middle finger prominently extended. “Fuck you, Justin Andrews! FUCK YOU!” Then he she storms off, heading into the parking lot. Paula runs to catch up and Charley flips Justin off too, then follows the girls.

“Jesus, she’s really pissed” said Anthony, stifling a laugh.

“Yep.”

“And she’s mad because?”

Justin takes a deep breath, looks down at the shrubbery running along the low wall at his feet. He sees discarded bottles, a cigarette pack, cigarette butts and one used condom. “I should have done it a month ago…or waited till next week or later, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep pretending there was something…” Justin’s voice trails off.

“So, you broke up with her at the prom? Fuck, dude, that is evil.”

“Yeah…I guess” Justin mumbles. They sit silent for a few minutes then it hits Justin that Anthony is with him, not inside with Jayla. “Anthony? What are you doing out here?”

“Well, it seems I’m not putting in enough effort, or something like that.”

“Huh?”

The front doors swing open again, banging against their stops as before. A small group come out. Jordan and Chloe, Jeremy and Alexis and in the middle of them, Jayla. They’re huddled together. They move as one across the drop-off lane and cut right toward the parking lot close to where Anthony and Justin are sitting.

Jeremy spots the two of them on the low wall and points as he speaks to Jayla. She steps from the group and suddenly it is a replay of earlier. Two hands up, middle finger extended prominently as she yells at Anthony. “F-U-C-K Y-O-U!” Each syllable distinct, clearly spoken, echoing across the parking lot.

Anthony and Justin can’t help it. It’s too similar to earlier with Lisa, and they bust out laughing as Anthony tries to apologize, to say he didn’t mean to hurt her.

“Real classy, bro” said Jordan as he leads Jayla back to the group.

“Oh, you shouldn’t have laughed” said Justin.

“I…damn, you laughed too.”

“So, what did you do?”

“I have no fucking idea. But it has something to do with not paying attention to her…I think.”

“You didn’t listen one time and…”

“It’s been going on for a while. I guess I should have done what you should have; broke up with her a month ago.”

Jordan swung around along the drive in front of Justin and Anthony, easing by as Jayla threw his change of clothes out the window. The rear window raised back in place and the car sped around the perimeter of the parking lot.

“Damn” Anthony uttered under his breath as he went to retrieve his clothes.

“Well, they were nice enough to leave your clothes” said Justin as he watched the car exit the parking lot.

“Yeah, real nice of them to think of me” said Anthony as he made his way to the drive.

Clothes in hand, Anthony sat back next to Justin. The two of them exhaled then sighed about their predicament. They are so silent the sound of music can be faintly heard coming from inside the building.

“Hey, you want to get out of here?” Justin asked, looking over.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I have a limo that needs to take me home and return to wherever it came from. We can get my Jeep and ride around?”

“Justin, we’ve never done anything together in all the years we’ve gone to school.”

“And?”

“Okay, tonight is fucked up, so why stop now.”

“You have a ride out there you need to take to my house?”

“Jayla and I rode with Jordan and Chloe, so…”

“So, you need a ride. Come on.”

They rode in silence while the limo navigated the parking lot, then the streets of the town as it made its way south. Once out of town and on the narrow state road heading to Justin’s house, Anthony turned from the window and looked at Justin.

“Why did it not work with Lisa?”

“I…”

“I get it” Anthony replied, then looked back out the window watching the dark shadows of the land pass by.

‘Did he?’ Justin wondered as he let himself look at Anthony, really look at him. He knew the physical statistics, the tallest boy in their class, the best player on the basketball team and one of the best on the baseball team. Six foot four, one sixty-eight, and Africa-American with some Native American thrown in that Anthony knew about, plus some genes no one was sure of. Black hair, brown eyes and a skin tone that made Justin think of his coffee with the sugar and cream mixed into it. The thought made him feel anxious, his heart racing in his chest. He had been so good at burying those thoughts, of hiding them behind a mask. One of the jocks who played football and baseball. Five foot ten and one hundred and fifty pounds. The guy who dated Lisa for the last five months.

He looked at the long legs stretched out, one hand on the console between them and the other holding the square jaw with the elbow resting on the armrest. He had looked at other boys in his class, fighting the images that came to mind, but now, looking at Anthony, he didn’t fight the images. Instead he let them play out. Anthony in the locker room, naked, the tall lean frame and cock that hung long. The smooth skin of the torso, from cock to neck. The muscular nature of it. He swallowed hard and diverted his eyes out his own window, wondering ‘why now?’.

The limo pulled into the circular drive in front of Justin’s home, the brick ranch house stretching out long and low, with the garage on the right end. They climbed out and Justin led Anthony to the end of the house and past the garage doors to the rear side where his Jeep sat. It was open, no doors or top.

“Let’s get out of these ridiculous suits and into more comfortable clothes. Unlocking a side door, Justin led Anthony into the garage, turning on the overhead lights. They stood along the back wall where a work bench ran its length. They stripped off the rental suits, laying them carelessly on the bench. Justin tried not to look at Anthony, but he couldn’t stop himself. He glanced over time and time again, and each time he saw Anthony looking back. After a while, they smiled nervously at each other as they buttoned up shirts.

“Where are we going?” Anthony whispered as he climbed into the Jeep.

“I don’t know. Any ideas?” Justin replied as he started the engine. The Jeep rumbled to life, the exhaust sounding far too loud. Justin eased it into reverse and let the Jeep ease backward, the motor still at a low idle.

They were on the road, heading west, Justin vaguely aware of where he was heading. The wind swirled around the open Jeep. They motored across the countryside and along the descent toward the river, where the road began to curve, winding its way down to the highway that ran parallel to the river. At the stop sign, Justin looked both ways along the dark highway, turned left and accelerated back to speed. He drove only for a mile, slowed, and turned on a gravel road heading down to the river.

“The gravel pits?” Anthony asked, voice raised enough for Justin to hear.

“Why not?” Justin replied as he motored along the narrow lane that passed small ponds created by the digging of the gravel vein beneath the sandy surface. When the lane forked, he took the one less traveled, cutting right. He slowed as they forded one large area of water after the next, at times coming up to the underside of the Jeep.

“Shit, its deep” exclaimed Anthony.

“Relax, we’ll make it. I used to come down here all the time” Justin replied.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did your ass come down there?” Anthony asked, smirking at Justin’s sudden denseness.

“I don’t know. A place to get away, I guess” Justin replied as he negotiated another turn, one where the tree canopy hung down low enough to rake the top of the windshield and roll bar.

“You know if we get stuck, we’re fucked, right?”

“We’re not going to get stuck” said Justin in mock aggravation as he forded water that came up on the body a couple of inches.

Eventually they came to a small clearing, the dark reflective waters visible in the headlights through the oak and magnolia that lined the bank. To the left brick piers were sticking up in square patterns over the sandy ground.

“It was a logging camp years ago. It burned back in the late fifties. Nothing left but those piers” said Justin when he saw Anthony look over toward them. “In the glovebox is a flashlight” he added as he opened the console and took out another one for himself.

The two of them walked down to the river, shining beams of light over its rippling surface. They moved along the bank till the undergrowth was too thick to continue and they circled back cutting up the slope to one of the gravel ponds.

“I’ve heard about these gravel ponds but have never been here” said Anthony breaking the silence that had been lingering between them.

“I come here all the time…just to think.”

“Why didn’t it work with Lisa?” Anthony asked again, as they followed a lane to the next pond.

“I don’t know” Justin lied, then he shined his flashlight in Anthony’s face and lowered his voice, making it sound accusatory, “You confess, Anthony Williams, why didn’t it work with Jayla?”

Anthony laughed nervously, shaking his head. “Get that light out of my face. I can’t see” he replied, shining his own flashlight in Justin’s face.

The flashlights aimed back at the lane as they continued walking, Justin asked again, this time his voice so low Anthony barely heard him. “Why did you not stop her from leaving?”

“It didn’t feel right to stop her. I wasn’t really into her. There was the idea of it, this beautiful, popular girl, who could make me seem just as popular, just as beautiful in some way.”

“But?”

“But it was a lie. She wasn’t the one. Whatever the fuck ‘the one’ is supposed to be.”

“Have you ever wondered if you were to pursue someone that really drew your attention, was an attraction you wanted, and you knew to do so would cause you to be looked at differently, could you do it?”

“I think so…maybe. It’s hard to disappoint those that have certain expectations. You know; marry the right girl, get the right job, make a home, have children…” said Anthony, his voice trailing off.

Justin didn’t respond, and the two of them strolled along the gravel lane, the white crushed rock reflecting their light giving everything around them a silvery glow. When one beam of light or the other pointed out ahead of them, they could see the reflection of the blue Jeep off in the distance.

Justin knocked the flashlight out of Anthony’s hand and took off running.

“Last one to the Jeep is the biggest asshole of the night” Justin yelled as he ran. He knew he had to get a big head start, for Anthony was one of the fastest guys in his class. It was impossibly quick when he heard the footfalls of Anthony quickly gaining. Far too quick to beat him to the Jeep.

“You are a slow white boy” Anthony taunted as he came up right behind Justin, causing the two of them to laugh, losing stride. A hand touched Justin’s shoulder, fingers grasping at his shirt.

“Gotcha” Anthony exclaimed as he tugged Justin back. It threw Justin off balance and his feet tripped up on the uneven ground, and he fell right in front of Anthony, tripping him too as he went down. They tumbled over each other, legs and arms flying around till they came to a rest. Justin was on his back and Anthony was laying over his stomach perpendicular to him. They made a cross of panting bodies, sweating in the hot humid night from their brief exertion. One flashlight cut a beam over Anthony’s legs and the other pointed out over a gravel pond. It cast them in deep shadow, and the world seemed to close in around them. There were hard exhales, then slowly, only a chuckle from one then the other, till both were laughing.

“I think you ripped my shirt” said Justin as he let his hands rest on Anthony’s chest.

“I wanted to see your white boy body” Anthony replied, laughing at his own joke.

Justin fell silent, his fingers tapping nervously on Anthony’s chest. In a low voice, with a nervous reverberation in each syllable, he asked the question he had wanted to ask since he got Anthony in his Jeep. “Do you?”

Anthony feel silent and lay still over Justin as fingers tapped at his chest.

“Maybe.”

Justin stopped tapping Anthony’s chest. Instead he drew circles with one finger, feeling the firm muscular body beneath the soft fabric. He wondered if Anthony would stop him. If a hand would reach out suddenly, grabbing his own making him stop this touching. But it didn’t and he ran his fingers along the chest, across the shoulder then finally, touching bare flesh, up along the long neck. He traced the lines of muscle that ran along its length. The skin was smooth till near the jaw where the faint stubble of beard could be felt. He traced the jaw and watched the Adam’s apple bob up and down as Anthony swallowed. He moved a finger just below the lips, which were thin, slightly uneven, and he pictured how one side curled up more than the other when Anthony laughed or talked. Daringly, something that seemed to be crossing a line more than the initial touching, he rubbed those lips, feeling the softness of each. The lips parted and sucked his fingers in, and he felt the soft slick warmth of Anthony’s mouth and imagined other things they could be doing, things more intimate, sexual in nature. He felt his cock stir in his jeans as he moved his fingers up and over the broad flat nose, around one closed eye and over the thin arched eyebrow above.

“Anthony?”

“Don’t think of it…okay. Just for tonight.”

Justin moved his fingers to the side of Anthony’s head and traced the curvature of the ear then toyed with the silver hoop earring, tugging on it slightly.

Anthony opened his eyes and rolled over till he was looking down at Justin, their faces only inches apart. Justin wondered if Anthony would do it, start something, anything, that would take away the knot inside his stomach. He imagined what the other guys would say if they could see the two of them. There would be taunts, cruel insults, some racist. But it was what he imagined the girls would say that seemed worse. But they were alone, in this dark quiet place, away from prying eyes, and he wanted to know what it was like with another boy, even one so different in every way. Maybe those differences made the idea of further violations of social norms seem acceptable, for he knew some of those norms were wrong, and maybe, just maybe they were wrong about this too. Wrong regardless of what the church said or the adults that tried to create a path to a future he didn’t want, or his classmates he struggled of late to call friends, knowing some of the things they said and did. Eyes wide open, unable to look away, he leaned up and kissed Anthony. It was a simple kiss, with full contact, lingering long enough Anthony would know it was not a joke, not done in jest, but in an honesty that had been lacking in his life for far too long. Then he fell back on the ground and looked up at the dark silhouette wondering if that would be the thing that brought this moment to an end, or if…

Anthony leaned down and kissed him, passionately, lips moving over lips, tongue sliding over teeth, then pushing in moving against his own. Hands moved along his body, a leg slipped between his own, the knee coming up tight to his crotch making his cock flex with arousal. Anthony seemed to blanket him, to cover him entirely in flesh and blood and hot exhales of air.

Then Anthony was helping Justin to his feet, pulling him toward the Jeep, as hands continued to touch him, to move over his chest, around his back, down over his ass, fingers digging into each cheek, and he stumbled and tripped with nearly every step as he let Anthony do it, not wanting it to stop. As they neared the Jeep, Anthony tugged his shirt off tossing it on the ground, then hands were at his jeans, working the button loose, tugging the zipper down and he helped work them down, pulling jeans and boxers together, working each foot free. Anthony tossed the jeans and boxer over the hood as he looked down at his nakedness. The faint glow of his skin, and the rising cock growing harder and harder. A hand moved to it and he gasped while being stroked. Falling back against the front fender, the wide tire pressed to the back of his legs he spread his legs letting Anthony move up between them feeling the clothed body press against his nakedness. It was a submission, this exposure to Anthony, his body on full display, cock hard, wanting, and he hugged the Anthony tight against his bare flesh.

Justin wanted Anthony naked too, and he pushed him back, and frantically worked to unbutton the shirt, fingers feeling twice as thick, unable to move as fast he wanted. Anthony’s hands took his, stopped them, pulling them back and he worried everything was going to stop.

“Let me” Anthony whispered, and Justin watched the shirt fall open slowly, from top down to the tail, revealing the dark smooth torso within. As Anthony let the shirt fall from his arms, Justin reached out and pulled the jeans open, the button pulling loose, then those of the fly. ‘A button fly’ Justin noted as the jeans popped open revealing boxer briefs that tented obscenely with hard cock. He wanted Anthony naked, and he eased down on his knees tugging the jeans and briefs down as he went. He saw the thick hard cock come into view. Anthony raised one foot then the other letting him get the jeans and briefs free, tossing them to the side.

Still on his knees, Justin looked up along the long legs, then the cock that was right in his face. He’d never been this close to another guy, so close he captured the masculine scent of him. He couldn’t hold back, didn’t want to, as he leaned forward and tongued the head then kissed it.

“Fuck” Anthony exclaimed.

Justin kissed along the length of Anthony’s cock, all the way to the base then back down to the head. He took the flared head in his mouth, tonguing it, toying with it till hands grabbed his shoulders with fingers digging into each. He pushed forward taking what he could, letting it fill his mouth. He held still for a few seconds, savoring the feel of another boy in his mouth, this intimacy the other boys joked about in the locker room, the taunts that were meant to be disgusting, lewd; an act of submission that called into question one’s manhood. But with Anthony, on his knees and cock in his mouth, he didn’t feel any less a man. It didn’t feel lewd or disgusting. It felt right. It felt like an intimacy he had been wanting. To make another guy feel good, to give him pleasure. He moved on it, head pulling back then pushing forward, over and over, falling into a rhythm.

It was too quick. He hadn’t gotten Anthony to the point of release and hands slipped under his arms and pulled him to his feet. Anthony moved with determination, pushing him back against the Jeep while moving down to his knees. Justin felt spit drool down his chin, and he let it drip off. While he panted for breath, his cock sank into Anthony’s mouth.

“Jesus… fuck” Justin uttered, head thrown back, eyes closed, as his cock was enveloped in the slickness of Anthony’s mouth. Tongue toyed with him, made him shudder. He was too aroused, this his first time. There was no holding back and before he could warn Anthony he shuddered and pushed forward, as his cock exploded and filled Anthony’s mouth. He felt every flex of ejaculation, and how his cum pooled around his cock. Then there was the feel of swallowing and he shivered with the sensation.

When Anthony finally released him, he was still hard, cock wet and dripping. Hands took his waist and turned him to face the Jeep and he braced his hands on the curved edge of the hood as his legs were pushed apart. He allowed this manipulation of his body. He wanted it. Hands spread his ass open and he felt the hot exhales caress the skin, then he jerked with the shocking realization that Anthony’s tongue was touching him, moving down between his ass cheeks, dragging up and down the crevice. He shuddered with the feel of it. The way it touched him in such a private place, the intimacy of it. The tongue slid wetly over his opening, circled its tightness till he banged his head against the hood.

“Anthony! Please!  Fuck…”

He opened to the touch, opened to its teasing and manipulation. He spread his legs further apart, reached back and pulled his ass cheeks open giving Anthony all the access to his body he could. It seemed like Anthony was going to crawl up inside him, the way he bore into his hole opening him up. He knew where it would lead. He knew what Anthony meant to do. He knew what Anthony wanted. He wanted it too.

“Fuck me…come on, put it in me” Justin begged, and he lay his head on the hood, breathing hard through his mouth. He kept his eyes closed, focusing only on the sensations Anthony was giving him. The torment of it. The hands on his legs that moved up and down. The face pushed between his cheeks and the tongue that touched him, stroked his desire till he didn’t care how his role in this intimacy would be perceived by others. The white boy letting a black boy fuck him. He didn’t care about their differences, only the thing they were sharing, this desire for another. It was gay and at this moment, he found a way to accept it. A way to let himself explore his sexuality. For he had never wanted anything as much as he wanted this moment with another boy.

Anthony stood behind him, moved up close and he felt the touch, the flared wet head of cock rub one ass cheek then the other, and finally, after far too much teasing, the push between them. It touched his opening, rubbed wetly over it then pushed against its tightness. Justin pushed back and felt the stretching as he opened to Anthony. The flared head squeezed through his tightness making him shudder. It sat inside him, just inside his hole and he relaxed to it as Anthony held still.

“Anthony…give me more” Justin whispered as he pushed back slowly.

Justin felt the fullness of cock sinking into his hole. This unbelievable connection, their bodies locking together, with flesh pressed against flesh. Anthony pushed all the way inward and lay against his back as he focused on this penetration, the feeling of cock pushed deep within his body. He wondered if Anthony could push further inside him. If he could possibly get another inch. Just a little more inside his body.

Instead he felt the tug at his opening as Anthony pulled outward, slowly, inch by agonizing inch, till only the head remained. Then the push back inward, just as slow, and Justin shivered with the feel of the penetration, the depth Anthony could push into him. A slow steady rhythm, the pull outward, then the push back in, till they were fucking, Justin rocking in sync with Anthony. Their fuck grew faster, more urgent, and Anthony began to smack against his ass. The sound of it echoed loudly in his ears as hands held his waist in a tight grip. He moaned, grunted whenever Anthony slammed against his ass a bit harder. His own cock, hard as rock, was pinned between his body and the fender, painfully trapped with every push inward and he grew more aroused by it.

“FUCK…you’re so goddamn tight” Anthony exclaimed as he moved his hands from Justin’s waist to his shoulders, pulling him upright. “Take me…take me” he grunted as he held tight to Justin while hammering cock into his depths.

“OH…oh…Anthony” Justin mumbled, breathlessly and he stood upright letting Anthony hug their bodies together, one arm around his neck, almost too tight, as he rocked at the hips with the fucking of his ass. The other hand moved down his sweaty chest, over his undulating stomach till it held him tightly. It stroked him in rhythm with their fuck, hard, fast, till Justin could think of nothing but their sex. The physical nature of it. He shuddered with the stimulation of it all. Throwing his head back against Anthony’s shoulder he felt hot exhales on the side of his face, the nip of his ear then a tugging. He cried out, thrust his hips forward and painted the side of his Jeep with cum.

“Damn…that feels too…” Anthony stammered as Justin came. Cock piston through Justin’s hole as it spasm with his release and he jerked and shuddered till cum dribbled from his cock and he was begging Anthony to stop.

“Please…no more…stop” Justin uttered as Anthony plowed into his depths then jammed hips against his ass over and over and over filling him with cum.

Justin lay over the fender, head down on the cooled hood with Anthony on his back, both breathing hard.

“That was…”

“Incredible” Anthony finished for him.

The school year ended, and Justin, Anthony and their classmates sat through their graduation ceremony. They tossed caps in the air and posed for pictures. They huddled with their friends, made small talk, planned for the night’s celebrations, a bonfire at Melissa’s and later, some of them going to the river to party. All through the events, Justin would glance over to Anthony, and a smile would pass between them. Their shared secret amusing to them on this day, their last day being high school students. They had gone back to school, took the comments, the judgments and nasty looks for how they handled things with Lisa and Jayla. They hung with their remaining friends as if nothing was different. But after school, away from prying eyes, they would find places to be alone. Places they could explore the physical intimacies of sex between two guys.

Neither could bring themselves to come out to their friends, to let others know of this relationship that developed between them. On Friday and Saturday nights they would drive to Lexington or Evergreen or all the way to one of the cities a little over an hour away where they didn’t feel a need to hide their relationship, letting it look like just two friends in public. And in private they let themselves have the freedom to do as they wished.

During the summer, they drifted away from their friends, knowing it was time, no longer having much in common with any of them. They lived their secret lives, at times feeling guilty about the secrecy. But they were still tethered to the area, old lives still playing out and they lacked the confidence and will to do otherwise. Each was stalling, playing a waiting game, thinking once they left, Anthony to a small Division II college where his basketball skills earned him a scholarship and a chance to pursue his dreams, and Justin to a university in North Carolina where he too would be pursuing his own dream, they could then open up to others about themselves.

August arrived too quickly, neither ready for the summer to end. Neither ready to say goodbye as they broke up, ending a relationship that never had a chance, each set in a different path. They talked about it during the summer in moments they were feeling melancholy. How their secret relationship would come to an end. It was bittersweet, for it also meant they would be taking the next step in their lives.