By : A. Williams
I walked down the well-lit sidewalk with the smell of you and the smell of our lovemaking all over me. I smile remembering your words of passion as we finally let go of all our inhibition’s and had the best mind blowing man sex on Earth. In the after math as we cuddled, your words of love for me were very touching and almost made me cry. I have loved you for a year now, as we meet in secret. In those dark hide-away sleazy well used hotel or motel rooms. You are still not ready to let anyone know you’re gay but I can wait.
I walked into Johns’ bar to get a beer like any other Friday night. I headed to my favorite dark corner where I can watch everyone but no one could see me. The band is really good tonight and couples were gathered on the dance floor swaying to the beat of the latest dance tunes. John is a friend of mine from high school and he has done well for a man nearing thirty. He owns 3 bars in town, each with a different atmosphere. I like “The Hole in the Wall - Bar and Grill” best.
The name is deceiving. It’s very nice and with padded chairs and real oak tables. The bar has a large dance floor and big stage for the bands. The bar itself is U shaped with high stools. The grill area is in a different room from the bar but nicely appointed as well. And they serve up the best burgers in the down-town area along with a large variety of pub favorites. I noticed John and Russell were working the bar tonight and I realized it had been a while since John and I have spoken. I should ask him about the wife and kids.
As I'm enjoying my beer and watching the couples dance, I think of my man Randy. I took a deep breath and smelled him on me still and my heart fluttered. How I wish he was here with me so we could dance together cheek to cheek. But he would never do anything like that in public, he’s still too deep in the closet.
I heard loud laughter with a very familiar ring to it. It’s was coming from the bar. When I looked over that way, I was in total shock at what I saw. There was my Randy and a girl. From the way they were laughing and touching, not just any girl but his girl. I felt tears running down my cheeks. I felt sick to my stomach, betrayed. I'd given him all my love and all my soul. But I was in the corner watching him kiss her lovingly. I’m right over here why couldn’t he see me?
As I cried, I wondered if all this was a bad joke. We were just in bed making sweet love to each other not an hour ago or did I dream that? It was too painful to watch him with her anymore. Not after he'd just expressed his love for me after we made love. My anger started to rise up in me as I readied myself to storm out of the bar.
As I quickly walked from my corner and toward the front door. As I passed him, Randy looked in the mirror behind the bar and our eyes meet briefly. As if I didn’t exist, he looked back at his girl and I felt in a daze of despair and pure self-loathing. I stumbled on across the room and through the door into the night air. I stand there a minute, seeing the long empty sidewalk stretched out ahead of me. It’s so desolate and I suddenly feel so alone.
I walked home down the sidewalk and a drizzling rain started coming down. Great, just great I think as the water trickles down my collar soaking my back under my jacket. I think of all the times I dropped everything and rushed to another sleazy hotel to be with Randy and my anger increased tenfold. I could strangle him with my bare hands and shove him up that bitch’s ass. “Fuck you” I thought as the rain soaked my Levis.
My phone rang and I pulled it from my soaked pocket. It was Randy… and I let it go to voice mail. He was the last person on Earth I wanted to talk to or see. “Go to hell!” I shouted aloud but my words feel unheard. I kicked an empty beer can in a muddy puddle on the wet sidewalk soaking my boots even more. Hell, I’m soaked to the bone and still have 6 blocks to go. Can this night get any worse?
As if God answered my question himself, there was a huge flash of lightning that split the night and a loud crack of thunder that shook the street. Ahead I saw a loving couple holding hands and sharing an umbrella as they walked along with their heads together. That could have been Randy and I, together and in love. Knowing that was like a knife in my heart and I felt the tears start to roll down my face again. I wondered if that girl could love Randy better than I could. I wondered why he turned away from me and went to her.
I wondered and pondered, but my questions would never be answered… because I’m in the corner on my own.
By : A. Williams