The Agent

The facial hair on the image in front of me made me uncomfortable.  I had never worn a beard, goatee, or mustache, and regardless of the compliments I’d received, I didn’t like it.  The challenge at work was now over, and I had my razor in my hand.  My sister-in-law said that I looked distinguished.  The young guy at the bar said I looked like his favorite porn star.  He even offered to spend a fun weekend with me.  

I didn’t want to remind anyone of a porn star.

I shaved.  What a pain.  The soapy water of the shower stung my freshly scraped skin.  I dressed in nice khakis and a lightly starched button-down.  As I sat down in the chair next to my front door to tie my shoes, I fought the urge to stay home.  The bachelor party was for Jim Watkins, my brother’s best friend, and I was only invited because my brother was throwing the party.  I only vaguely knew the guys who would be there.  I was concerned that I would be relegated to serving drinks and appetizers.  I finished the knot on my second shoe and took a deep breath.  

I’d done some grocery shopping that morning and left my car near my apartment rather than parking it in the covered lot, so the steering wheel was hot.  I chastised myself for not putting the window shade up.  I glance back at it in the back seat.  Good place for it, I thought to myself.  I turned the A/C full blast and tried to direct the vents so the air would blow on the steering wheel.

The party was at my brother’s apartment complex, and it was only a few blocks away.  I usually walked, but it would be dark when I left.  I was not comfortable walking, even that short distance, that late at night.  I parked the car in front of the clubhouse.  I saw that a few of the guys were already inside even though I was early.  Perhaps they were setting up.  I took a deep breath and did my best to wipe the scowl from my face.  Smiling would have looked fake.  I got out of the car and went inside.

My brother Doug noticed me as soon as I came in; he rushed over and hugged me.  “I’m glad you’re here,” he said before he released me.

The scowl returned to my face, and I raised my eyebrows as I prepared to hear my instructions.

“The rest of the guys are by the pool, and I’ve almost got the drinks set up.  In about five minutes, will you go out and tell them to come in?  In the meantime, Tony, will you make sure that Jim’s cousin doesn’t need anything?  He’s over there.”  Doug pointed to a man on a barstool seated at a high table.  “He doesn’t know anyone here.  And he’s staying overnight at my place.  I agreed, but that was before I realized that four other guys planned to stay overnight, too.”   Doug shrugged his shoulders.  “I can’t think about that now.”

“I’ll take care of it,” I said without any enthusiasm.  “Five minutes.”

Doug turned and went back to whatever he was doing with the ice chests and cans, and I turned toward Jim’s cousin.  What’s the only thing worse than serving appetizers at a bachelor party?  Babysitting.  I approached the barstool, the person seated there was staring into space, but as I neared, he turned to face me, and I realized that this was not just some backwoods cousin in town for a wedding.

An incredibly handsome man stood up to acknowledge my presence.  “Hello,” I said as I pushed my hand forward.  “I’m Dylan Hopkins, best man’s brother.”

“Anthony Seward,” he said with a completely emotionless face.  “Groom’s cousin.”  He gave me a firm handshake; I could tell that he could have crushed my hand had he wanted to.  “So, are you the guy who’s supposed to babysit me?”

I scanned him.  It was obvious that he was fit.  “You’re hardly a baby.”

“I appreciate your noticing.”  He gave me a little nod.

“I was told that you know no one here, and since I don’t want to know anyone here any better than I already do, my brother asked me to make sure you didn’t get lost when the rest of the guys start doing what those assholes are best at.”

“And what’s that?”

“Giving me a headache,” I smiled.  “They are grown up now, so maybe they won’t be as bad, but when they’d come to visit Doug, they were loud, obnoxious, and out-and-out jerks.  That was before they started drinking.”  I paused for a moment.  “Would you like something?  To drink or eat?”

Anthony picked up a water bottle and showed it to me.  “I’m fine right now.  I rarely drink alcohol.  I’m too much of a control freak.”

“Afraid to lose control and have too much fun that you don’t remember having?”  I gave a little smile.  I had the distinct impression that Anthony was a serious hardass who liked to control every aspect of his life.  I wondered what he would say if I asked him to do something spontaneous or crazy.

“How would you know whether it was fun if you can’t remember it?” he asked.

“I don’t drink much either, and I will say that few of my nights out have been fun.”

A hand slapped my shoulder.  “How can you say that Dilly-boy?  We always had a good time when we went out.”

I didn’t need to turn to see who it was.  Hanson James was the only one of my brother's friends that I ever went on a date with.  Although, he would deny it was a date.  I had different ideas about the dinner and movies that he paid for as well as my poor judgment in allowing him to give me the worst blowjob I’ve ever had.  He’d also begged me to remain quiet about it.  I was certainly not about to tell anyone about my lapse of good sense.  “How are you, Hanson?  Have you met Anthony?”

“Yep.  I said my how-dee-doos when he first came in.  I just came over here to say ‘hey’ and to tell you I have something to ask you about a little later.  Privately, of course.”

“Of course,” I nodded.  He turned and walked back toward the entrance to the pool where I noticed the other men had gathered.  I felt the urge to tug my underwear away from my dick as I remembered how he had chewed on my foreskin and ran my poor cock over his molars in his sad attempt to suck me.  When he started to gag, he claimed it was because he wasn’t gay, he was just looking for the experience.  The fucking liar.  Only five minutes before that he was telling me how he always had the hots for me and had even wondered whether he had fallen in love with me.

“I get the sense that you don’t like that guy much.”

I turned and looked Anthony directly in the eyes.  They seemed cold and expressionless.  He had sized things up accurately and objectively.  Aloof and emotionally distant.  I wondered what he would do if I put my hand on his crotch and tried to kiss him.  “Your assessment is accurate,” I said as flatly as possible.  I needed to unlock my inner Vulcan.  I certainly didn’t need to sport a hardon around my brother’s friends.

The next hour and a half was excruciating.  The pizza arrived.  The guys added bourbon to their colas.  They told stories I’d heard before about things I wasn’t interested in hearing the first time.  Anthony listened, nodded, and absorbed everything they said.  I would have sworn he had someone in his head taking notes.  There were no dancing girls, no strippers; Jim had promised his fiancée, and my brother had made sure that everything went according to her plan.  I had collected all the trash and a couple of the guys helped me make sure everything was clean when Jim announced that the party was moving to my brother’s apartment where some beer awaited everyone.

I saw Anthony go over to Jim, I heard him ask about the sleeping arrangements.  It turned out that Jim and Anthony were supposed to spend the night with my brother, and the other partygoers were expected to go home.  Those plans were now altered.

“What’s the problem?” I asked.  I could see a tenseness in Anthony’s jaw, and his lips were pressed together.  It was the most emotional I’d seen him since meeting him only two hours before.

“I was planning on getting a good night’s sleep.  I need to go apartment hunting tomorrow.  They’re going to be up drinking until who knows when.”

“Come stay with me, then.  I’m going home now.  I’ll sleep on the couch; I often do.  You can have the bed and get the rest you need.”  I felt Anthony study my face.  “Come on.  Let’s get your stuff.”  I turned to search for my brother and saw him only a few feet away.  “Doug.  Anthony’s going to stay at my place while you finish the party.”

“Aw, hell, Tony,” slurred Jim as he stepped forward.  “You’re gonna miss the fun.  We’re going to tell everyone about our first time.”  He giggled like a schoolgirl.

My brother smiled, and a few of the other guys grinned.  “It’s gonna be good,” said Hanson.

“Yeah,” added Jim.  “Why don’t the two of you come and tell us about your first time.”

An obviously inebriated Hanson poked me with his finger.  “I don’t know if you should come.  We don't need to hear lies about how big you are or how quickly you bent over for your college roommate, do we?”

A knot of anger began to burn within my belly.  I suppressed it.  “No, we don’t,” I replied.  “We all know that it didn’t take much for me to let a guy suck my pitiful little peter.”  I faced my brother.  “I’ll be in my car, Doug.  Will you help Anthony with his luggage?”  I turned and went to my automobile and waited.

About five minutes passed before Doug and Anthony came out to the car.  I popped the trunk, and Anthony’s luggage was quickly placed inside.  Anthony said a quiet ‘Thank you’ to my brother before sitting in the passenger seat.  I could tell he was studying me.

I rolled my window down.  “I love you, Doug.”

“I love you, too, little brother.”

I backed out of the parking space without a word.  Anthony said nothing until I’d pulled out onto Harper Drive.  “That Hanson guy is a real dick.”  He said it as if he were reading it from an encyclopedia, as if it were just another fact.

“I don’t like any of my brother’s friends or your cousin’s friends either,” I said.  “Truth is, I think they’re all immature jerks.  My brother acts that way too when he’s around them.”  I sighed slowly and pulled into my apartment complex.  I pushed the button that opened the gate to the parking lot and drove to my garage.”

“Thanks for offering me a place to stay.  I’d have been miserable trying to sleep with their antics.”

I smiled at him.  “Not a problem.  I’m glad to help.”  With a click of the remote control, I closed the garage door and got out of the car.  “I’ll get the bags; there’s not a lot of maneuvering room back here.  The door in the front is the way out.”  I grabbed his suitcases.  He met me just outside the open door and took the larger case from me.  After locking the door, I led him to my apartment.  Neither of us spoke on the way there.

Once in the apartment, I put the smaller bag on one of the two stools I had for eating at the counter.  “Are you hungry?  I only ate one slice of pizza.  Too much bread for my taste.  I like thin crust.”

“I prefer thin crust as well.  I am a tad hungry, but it is a little late to be eating.”

“I was thinking of a little bit of ham on a Ritz cracker with a bit of Swiss cheese on top.”  I grinned.  “OK, I was actually thinking of two crackers.”

“I’ll have one, too.  Make it two.”  What looked like a small upturn at the corner of Anthony’s mouth was the biggest smile I’d seen him make.

“So, two for me and two for you, too.”  I pulled the ham and cheese from the refrigerator.  “You’re looking for an apartment tomorrow.  I guess that means you’re moving here.  Job?  Fiancée?”  I was prying, and I knew it.

“Job.  No fiancée.”  He surrendered no other information.  I would need to continue prying.

As I opened the box of Ritz, I asked, “What kind of work do you do?”

“I’m a profiler.  I work as part of a forensics team.  The woman in the local office went to Washington, and I’m replacing her.  I’m good at analyzing people as well as the various clues collected at crime scenes.”

“Have you analyzed me?”  I asked the question without really thinking about his answer and whether I would want to hear what he thought.  Was I secretly the criminal type?

“It doesn’t work the way you’re thinking.  I can tell that you are a caring person who is too easily taken advantage of.  But I don’t need any profiling powers to ascertain that fact.  By the way, I’m taking the couch.”

I started to protest.

“No arguments.  I’m eating my cracker and going to bed.  After brushing my teeth, of course.”

“I’m eating my cracker, brushing my teeth, and taking a quick shower.”  I placed his two crackers on a little plate and handed them to him.  “I usually shower in the morning, but you probably knew that with your magical powers.  I just need to rinse off tonight.”  I threw a cracker into my mouth.  The ham and cheese hit the spot.

“Delicious,” said Anthony.

I tossed the other one in and began to chew as I retrieved a couple of sheets, a blanket, and a pillow.  He took them from me and insisted on making his bed without my assistance.  I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth before stripping down and getting into the shower.  I had just lathered my chest and arms when I saw Anthony come in and urinate in the toilet.  I had the distinct impression that he was looking at me.  He finished, washed his hands, and began to brush his teeth.  I know he was looking at me while he brushed.  I felt the blood rush to my groin.  I wanted him to join me in the shower, but I said nothing.  I tried to look away, but I was drawn back to look in his direction.  I saw him rinse his mouth with tap water; he left the room with his toothbrush in his hand, and I felt a little sad.  I would never make a move on Jim’s cousin, but I wanted him to make a move on me.

I was surprised at how quickly I fell asleep.  I don’t remember having any dreams or nightmares.  My phone, which I kept under my pillow with the alarm set for seven in the morning, buzzed about two.  It was my brother, so I answered.

“Dill, hey I wanted to let you know that Jim and Hanson just left in an Uber.  They might be headed to your place.  I tried to convince them to go home.”

“Why do they want to come here?”  I asked as I sat up.

“To rescue Anthony.”

“Rescue him?”  I hesitated for a moment.  “From me?”

“Yeah.  I know.  I need new friends,” said Doug.

“Most people have one asshole.  You’ve got five.”

“Not after tomorrow, baby bro.  I’m going to fire all of them, well, at least two of them.  I’ll wait to see what the other two have to say about this.”

“I appreciate…wait.  Someone’s knocking on the door.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Hopefully not from jail for having killed anyone.”  I hung up and went into the living room.

Anthony was standing at the door with his hand keeping it from opening all the way.  I stepped closer.

“You cannot come in, and I am not going with you.  Just go home,” I heard Anthony say.  “You’re being a dick.  You’re both dicks.”

I dropped my head and looked at the floor.  Anthony’s phone flickered on; it was on the end table just two feet from me.  I glanced at it.  I saw the text, and my heart sank.  ‘We’re going to get you before that fag rapes you.’

The reply, ‘STFU’, did not make me feel any better.

“Fuck off.”  The door closed quite loudly, and then there was silence.  Anthony turned, and the quiet “Oh” that he made let me know that he had just now realized that I was there.  “I told them I would call the police if they didn’t go away,” he added in a hushed voice.  “I’m sorry that they woke you up.”

“In truth, my brother woke me up to warn me that they were on their way, but I guess they got here more quickly than he expected.  I’m sorry they woke you up.  You need your sleep.”

“How can I be related to such an asshole?”  Anthony, pushing the blanket as he lowered himself, sat on the couch.

“You had nothing to do with that.  It’s because I showed up at my brother’s graduation, their graduation, with a guy I was dating.  My brother was cool with it, so he thought they would be, too.  Well, they weren’t, and their parents weren’t.  They were so nasty that Aaron began to cry; his mother drove two hours to the hotel to get him.  My parents no longer speak to any of the parents of those guys.  I think that Doug was hoping that they would grow up and he could maintain a friendship.  I think they killed that tonight.”

Anthony was looking at me with slightly moist eyes.  I could tell by the way the blue light from the clock that sat next to the TV reflected.  His voice remained steady.  “I feel that I should apologize for my cousin.  I hope that he’s ashamed when he sobers up.”

I pinched my lower lip between my teeth, but then the words forming in my brain slid out onto my tongue and into the room.  “They just need to deal with a gay man in the family.  I remember my grandmother saying that I wasn’t like the gay people on TV, that I was just a normal guy.  Too many people think we’re cross-dressers or pedophiles.  You can be a regular man who just happens to be attracted to guys instead of girls.”  There was silence in the room.  I had hoped that he might tell me that he found me attractive, but he just sat there.  “I’ll let you get back to sleep.  Tomorrow, if you want, I’ll drive you around to the apartment complexes to see if they have something you like.”

“Wait.”  The emotionless request irked me.  I knew he had feelings, but he didn’t show them, didn’t express them.

I remained standing in the same place. I heard him take a deep breath.  “I’m different.”

A long pause after those words allowed them time to rattle around in my head.  I moved to the couch and pushed the comforter toward him and sat on the cushion.  I was physically closer to him without invading his space.  I wanted him to know that I wanted to hear more because I was interested in learning more about him.

“I was in elementary school when I realized that I was different from the other kids.  I was interested in things they weren’t, and when I was interested in the same things they were, I was interested to the nth degree.  I couldn’t just learn the names of the planets; I had to know their mean distances from the sun and the length of their days, the temperatures, and things like that.  When the guys started talking about touching girls’ breasts and privates, I withdrew from their groups because my dreams were about men’s penises.

“When I realized I wanted to study forensics and maybe work for the FBI, I read older books that described homosexuality as a crime, and I feared that if anyone found out, I would never be able to work for them.  I know that it’s ignorant to maintain that view, but I never believe that I am truly part of a group, and if they knew about me, I would be completely ostracized.  

“I look at you, Dylan, and I want you to like me.  I wonder whether we can be friends; I wonder if we can be more than friends.  But that terrifies me, too.  I feel my guts churning inside.”

I reached my hand out to put his in mine and squeeze it.

“Earlier, I went into the bathroom without thinking.  When I was in the Air Force, we had communal showers and the guys would just come and go.  I wasn’t thinking about privacy, and when I saw you…”  His voice trailed off.

“I was hoping that you were looking at me,” I told him.

His eyes maintained a steady look at mine.  The blue light from the clock continued to give a peaceful glow to his face.  “We’ve just met,” he said.  “We hardly know one another.”

“That’s true, but sometimes you know or feel things right away when you meet someone.  And I knew right away that I wanted to know you better.  Maybe taking a shower together before the first day is pushing it.”

He squeezed my hand.  “That would have felt more like a hook-up than the start of a relationship.”

“I can understand how you would feel that way.  On the other hand, I am so attracted to you that I’ve wanted to sleep with you from the moment you shook my hand.  But the feelings are so strong, stronger than I’ve ever had with any other person, that I am willing to wait for as long as it takes for you to be comfortable with that.”

“Dylan?”  I saw his face move away as he stared toward the floor.  “I’ve never kissed anyone or been kissed by anyone.”

I stood up and pulled him to his feet.  I moved my face to his and brushed our lips together.  “Now take a slow deep breath and relax.”  As he did, I moved my fingers up and ran them through his hair.  I kissed the side of his mouth and then my lips caressed his jawline as my tongue danced lightly over his skin as my mouth traversed to his ear.

A spasm moved through his body, and the tenseness with which he held himself dissipated.  His jaw relaxed, and when I kissed his lips again, his mouth was partly open.  My tongue touched his lower lip, and he instinctively met it with the tip of his.  I pulled his tongue into my mouth and pushed it up against my back teeth.  He forced the muscle down and ran the blade of its surface against the top of mine.  

I felt my penis harden, and my hand dropped to his crotch and I pressed against it.  I felt his thickness expand through his clothing.  His head moved slightly back, and a barely audible “Oh, fuck” escaped.

As I look back, I want to say that I only wanted to give him a great first kiss; instead, I brought myself to the point where I wanted to suck him, ride him, and breed him.  At the moment he told me that he’d never been kissed, I’d fallen for him.  I didn’t just want him in that moment, but for all moments.  I said I’d be willing to wait, but now I didn’t want to wait.  Was I about to scare him away?