Patches

** Ten Years Ago **

"No...no...we didn't, I mean...I would have remembered this, Jen!"

"Does this look like nothing happened to you?" Jen said angrily and smashed an ultrasound picture onto the coffee table.

With shaking hands, I reached out and touched it, just at the sides, gently lifting it upwards where I could clearly see that she was telling the awful truth.

"Jen, tell me why can't I remember any of this happening? You gotta admit, we didn't even know each other before my party, and now you come in here and tell me you're pregnant?"

"Oh my good lord...Josh, you're fifteen, right? You do know that once is all it takes for this to happen, right? I'm not saying it's your fault because yes, we were both drunk out of heads, but this really happened, and there's the proof. Would you rather not have known?"

"Yes! I mean, no! I mean...God, Jen I don't even know what to say. I really don't! I'm fifteen! I can't deal with this! I'm not ready!"

Jen snatched the picture of our so-called foetus baby inside her womb out of my hands and with a scowl on her face, she pulled on her coat and stormed to the front door in typical Mean Girl fashion. Before she reached for the door knob, she turned around back at me, and if looks could kill, I would have been surely six feet under.

"I didn't make this baby myself, Josh. You know your father is a reverend or a vicar, or whatever the hell you wanna call him, and so you KNOW abortion is not an option. I came to you first, so you can prepare yourself for what's gonna have to happen."

"Wait, what do you mean, for what's gonna HAVE to happen?"

Jen smirked evilly and looked around our house with dollars signs in her eyes.

"You're gonna have to marry me. That's all."

And before I could say squat, she was outta there and by so doing, she started the sheer destruction of my fifteen year old life.

How the fuck did she get pregnant? We used condoms! Or did we? Urgh, if only I could REMEMBER!

I knew sneaking in alcohol at my fifteen birthday party was gonna be a hell of a mistake, but I never thought THIS would happen!

My stomach ached. My head started to pound. Everything was too much, too soon.
It was then, that I saw movement inside the corridor and I remembered that I wasn't alone inside the vicarage.

His face...his handsome face...shocked wasn't the word.

"Jen is...pregnant?"

My heart sank. I totally forgot he was in my room waiting for me, from where we were on my bed kissing before Jen rang the doorbell, and had thus overheard every word that was said.

"Tommy, just wait, I can explain..."

"Explain what? That you're supposedly gay and that you could never in your life have fucked Jen and gotten her pregnant? I was at that party, Josh! I saw what was gonna happen, but did I say anything? NO! Because I couldn't! Your dad is the village vicar for crying out loud!"

"Tommy, if me and Jen did sleep together, I don't remember it even happening..."

"Oh, that's suppose to make everything better, now is it? I heard her! This thing is gonna be her meal ticket, Josh! She's pregnant with your child. Your father is not gonna just, forget this. He's gonna make you marry her and WHAT do you think that means for US?"

I walked over to Tommy and touched his shaking shoulder, to which he reacted by violently pushing me away from him.

"Don't touch me. Don't you fucking dare. You told me we were solid. You promised you would come out to your dad when we were sixteen and we'd make a life together. And I believed it because I loved you!"

I took a step back, my eyes burning with regret and anger.

"Loved? Tommy please..."

"How can we possibly do this? You're gonna be a dad. Where does that leave me?"

Tears rolled down my cheeks one by one in realization of what Tommy was saying. How will my father take me being homosexual now that I had literally slept with a girl and even worse, gotten her pregnant? He's not gonna understand any of this. He's not gonna accept me as gay now that I was gonna be a dad myself...

"Tommy, please. Let's just have some juice or something, and sort this out..."

"I don't want juice. I want you. And I can't have you. I'm sorry Josh. We're done. It breaks my heart, but I can't do this. We're over."

"Tommy...Tommy, come back!"

All I could see was tears flowing down his cheeks as well, as he too, like Jen before him, stormed out of the vicarage. I ran towards the window and my heart broke to see him getting on his motorbike, and wiping his handsome face with his arm, before turning on the engine and driving off as if someone was chasing him.

I sunk to my knees in the middle of our kitchen...

My life was wrecked. Over. Done. Kaput.

One stupid mistake and the world had ended for me.

Probably never to be the same, ever again.

**Present Day**

"Thomas! Tell your mother we're gonna need those extra buckets of soup over here!"

"Yes, Daddy!"

The soup kitchens were packed to it's capacity as it was nearing Christmas and everyone was icy cold in the traditional British winters. For these homeless and poor people these cups of warm soup that we were distributing amongst them, well sometimes the soup was their only source of food they would have all day.

Even though, it was nice to know that me, Jen and Thomas were really making a difference in this little village of ours. As I passed cups of steaming vegetable soup to the rows and rows of people queing for a meal, I was quickly joined by Thomas, as he handed me the extra buckets of soup, which I gave to the cooks to warm up on the stove.

One by one the daunting rows were helped and fed, some of which who came back for a second helping were not refused. Thomas helped me serve with a genuine friendly smile on his young face, because it had to be said, he really had inherited his well meaning kindness from me, and definitely not from his mother.

After the novelty warmed off of me being forced to marry Jen against my will and having to have her and her family coming to live with us inside the vicarage, she obviously thought she was in for a life of luxury being married to the local vicar, or reverend, I guess.

The number of church goers had severely dwindled over the last few years and so did the bank balance of the church, which meant that our family had to move out of the vicarage as it was eventually sold so that the church could keep functioning.

Living in a small, compact, two bedroom house in the middle of a remote village was not the sort of life Jen had imagined herself, and with a baby no less, as she told me, screaming and shouting almost three times per day. Apparently I had ruined her life by getting her pregnant and that she could have done much better than being so loyal to me, and look where she had ended up.
Etc, etc. I had literally heard it all.

If she only knew how much I had to sacrifice in order for her to have her so called terrible life.

One thing, I didn't budge on, and believe me, I didn't get to have a say over much in my young life, but the one thing I was adamant about, was that our little boy was to be called Thomas.
Only I knew, that it was meant to be short for Tommy, and just what he had meant to me.
When we had graduated about two years after we had broken up, Tommy had left the village to complete his studies, and the last I heard, he was now teaching school somewhere in London. Posh job, and all. Married to a woman, if the rumours and stories were true.

"Daddy, that man over there wants more soup, but we're almost all out. Can I heat up some more?" Thomas asked, with his angelic face once more lighting up, as it always did when he had the opportunity to help someone.

God knows, me and his mom had some terrible fights over the years and sometimes, I really had a sickening feeling that she resented our son, and was blaming him for how her life had turned out.
I was only happy in the knowledge that my son was otherwise a happy boy who loved helping people as much as he possibly could. I ruffled his hair and gave him some of the leftovers.

"Its still warm, buddy. Be careful and don't burn yourself!"

He nodded vigorously and ran off in the direction of the kitchen. There wasn't much left to do in fact, there was only about five people left in the community hall, where the soup was being distributed. Four of them were regulars, but one of them, was totally new to me.

He looked like, well, there was no better word for it, a total bum or even a beggar. From where I was standing, neither his clothes, nor him, had seen a wash in several days. All he was doing however, was sitting quietly at the table, with his head resting on his arms.

It was so incredibly cold outside and all he was wearing was this incredibly thin long sleeved t-shirt and some ripped skinny jeans. Not even as much as a jacket or even an overcoat.
Thomas slowly walked past me with the steaming cup of hot soup, and I told him to follow me.

"Excuse me, Friend? You asked for more soup? We're glad to assist. There you go, enjoy," I told him and gave him a friendly smile as he looked up from his sitting position.

Thomas solemnly, as if it was the biggest job in the entire world, placed the soup in front of him and stood next to me, a little closer than normal.

He must have smelled it. The utter and complete stench that seemed to reek from this homeless poor man. Thomas meant well, but he was just a ten year old boy. He wasn't perfect by any means, and I couldn't blame him.

He couldn't have been much more older than me, and I was by now, the ripe young age of twenty-five. His youthful good looks, despite his obvious stench, really widened my eyes.
After all these years of being faithful and being married to Jen, viciously suppressing my desires, I never really stopped being attracted to men, no matter how much I prayed to God to take these feelings away, or to at least, make them less frequent.

Over the years I had learned to accept that the reason God didn't help me, was simply because there was nothing to fix about me.

Being gay wasn't a choice, nor a sin, no matter who said what. It was my choice to stay with Jen, the mother of my beloved son. I cared about Thomas too much not to be with him every day. Even if that meant, I had to live my life as a lie.

To the world and to my congregation, I was Vicar Josh Adams, respected family man and trusted confidant. Being gay, would never be part of the package.

Back inside the present and the homeless man gave me a slight smile and his eyes fell on Thomas. The latter came a little out from behind me and grabbed onto my hand.

"Thank you. Thank you both. It's freezing out there," his teeth clapped as he spoke, immediately placing both of his hands around the cup Styrofoam cup of soap for warmth.

"My friend, I'm sorry to ask this, but is that all you have to wear? Its pouring out there. I'm sure I can help you with a jacket or two."

"I really don't wanna be any trouble..."

"No trouble at all, Friend. Thomas, take this key and unlock the storeroom, and bring the Lost and Found boxes here. I'm sure we'll be able to find you something warmer to wear."

The man took two huge gulps of soup and wiped his mouth of the excess spillage. My God...when was the last time he had eaten...

"You have a good kid there, Vicar. He was nothing but decent to me. Friendly even," he said and looked my straight in the eyes.

I had to blink a few times and clear my throat before I could reply...so help me... those turquoise orbs must have been the most beautiful things I had seen all day... his long hair was utterly filthy and hung loosely onto his shoulders. His chest was ripped, his arms was covered in black art tattoos. Living on the streets had also blessed him with solid biceps and muscled arms.

"Yeah, he's about ten now. He's the love of my life, so to speak. I'll do anything for him."

"So there's no Mrs Vicar, then?"

I opened my mouth to correct him, but it turns out it wasn't quite needed...

"JOSH! WHAT THE HELL?"

I cringed and charged towards the entrance at the same time as quick as I could. Please don't tell me she had been drinking again...

"There you are! What the fuck are these slums still doing here? And why did you send our son to that store room? A box of clothes has only gone and fell on top of him!"

"What? Where is he?" I demanded, terrified that I had been responsible for my kid hurting himself.

"He's fine! As always! Laughing, playing and being oh so god damn happy all the time! Know why? Because he doesn't know how life, REAL LIFE can be. Because ALL you do, is SMOTHER him with affection, making him think its ALL moons and roses out there! All these filthy bums and slappers in here will tell you OTHERWISE!"

Droplets of her saliva actually spat out of her mouth and landed on my cheeks.

She was hammered, totally out of it, and not for the first time. All of the people who still was inside the community hall had heard what she had said. As I nervously flickered my eyes over towards the homeless man I was talking to, I saw that he was gone, with only the empty cup remaining on the table.

Damn...it was really pouring outside right now and all he was wearing was a shirt and ripped jeans.

"Come on, Jen. Let's get you home, so we can check if Thomas is okay..."

"SO NOW I'M A LIAR? I SAID HE WAS FINE!"

Sending a silent prayer upwards to the Big Man, I firmly, but gently, grabbed her shoulders and literally pushed her outside into the rain. She shrieked as the cold water drenched her intoxicated body.

I dragged her all the way, kicking and screaming into our car, pushed her onto the passenger seat and locked the doors. She was still going on and on, hitting the glass window and mouthing off words I really didn't wanna hear.

Back inside, I apologised to all the remaining folk and wished them a good night. Unfortunately all the shelters I knew of was overcrowded at the moment, and there was simply just no place for them to go.

My mind kept going back to the homeless man...his eyes...those incredible eyes...his friendly demeanour, despite his circumstances. The way he complimented me on Thomas. His voice...I wondered what had happened to him in his life, to end up in a place and way, like this.

Sighing, I found Thomas still inside the storeroom, and make no mistake, he was more than okay. He was a little trooper. We even laughed and joked about the boxes that fell on him, after of course, he assured me, he was fine.

"Listen buddy, that homeless man we were talking to, you didn't see where he took off to, did you, son?"

"I think he walked in the rain to the bus stop. But I don't know if he got on it. Why?"

"Uhm...no reason. Let's keep a nice warm jacket and a hoodie for him here if he comes back, yeah?"

After I explained to Thomas that Mommy was a little sickly again and that he shouldn't take it to heart if she said anything mean to him right now, he nodded, but as always, when Jen dives into the alcohol where God knows she got it from, he was more than a little crestfallen.

My heart ached for my little boy. He didn't deserve a mom like Jen. He didn't deserve ANY one like Jen. But a child needs both his parents, I've always believe that. I couldn't take his mother away from him. He loved her, no matter how bad she treated him.

You call that unconditional love. He was my boy. I didn't wanna be the person to separate them. No way, no how.

* * *

Later than night, I checked on Jen, who was in our bed with a small bucket next to her, for when she woke up and perhaps felt sick. Thomas knew the drill by now. He made sure that whenever his mom became "sickly" he would always make sure she had her bucket with her.

That also meant, that I slept in his room when it happened, on a blow up mattress, as our humble home only had two bedrooms. Thomas helped me set it up, having lots of fun when the air kept leaking out.

The giggle of a young boy was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard in my life. No matter what we had been through, my boy was happy and he knew he was loved.

A knock on the back door startled me. It was already after eight, and way passed Thomas's bed time, but for his mother being "sickly".

"Stay here, buddy," I whispered and quietly walked over to where the knocking had gotten more urgent. Our village was relatively safe to begin with, but it got very, very dark at night time, with just a few street lights planted in the roads.

I opened the door a little, only just enough to see who it was.

"Sorry...sorry to bother...I just...I just..."

It was the homeless man from the community hall.

"Well, don't stay out there, it's pouring! Come on in," I urged, not thinking in the sligtest that he could possibly put me or my son in any harm. At that moment, he was too frozen to do anything out of order.

His entire body was shaking, touching him, he was icy cold. How long had he been in this torrential downpour? It was the middle of winter!

"Lets get you in the bath, we need to get your temperature up!" I said calmly and gently guided him towards the bathroom.

Curiously killed the cat, but not quite then, as Thomas disobeyed orders and came out of his room.

"Buddy, close me and your mom's bedroom door, will ya?" I asked and with a quick nod on his adventurous face, he did what he was told.

"Open the tap, the warm water. Quickly, buddy!"

The hissing sound of water gently splashing into the bath tub filled the room and within a few seconds, it was already a lot warmer.

The homeless man still was uneasy on his feet and he still shivered as if life depended on it. Thomas quickly help me strip his clothes off, and if you thought the stench was bad this afternoon, it was sheer horrendous now.

Thomas tried to hold his nose and to help at the same time, and I gave him a stern look. He immediately realised what he was doing was wrong, and with a childish determination, he and I had stripped the man from all his garments.

The little he had been wearing was just about ready to make fire with.

He wasn't wearing anything underneath his ripped jeans and I tried my best to ignore the decent sized penis he had been endowed with.

Once he was inside the warm water, he let out a sigh and sunk in deeper, as if on instinct. He was still shivering and I knew I had to bring up his temperature. I took my own wash cloth and dipped into the water, which by now, was unfortunately, turning into a lightish brown colour.

How on Earth did he get so filthy...and why? I kept the lukewarm cloth on top of his forehead and ordered Thomas to get more water inside the bath.

After what felt like hours, the homeless man finally started to open his eyes and move his lips, and eventually became more aware of his surroundings.

"Thomas, go and fix the nice man something warm to eat. There is freshly baked bread on the counter and some farm butter in the pantry."

"No...don't do all that..."

"I'm not taking no for an answer. You're cold as ice. How long were you outside in the rain for?"

He scratched his over grown hair and beard, whilst refusing to look at me directly.

"Ever since you left when my wife started yelling? Tell me."

Eventually he nodded and closed his eyes. He was embarrassed.

"Well, there is no way I'm letting you out there again, at least not tonight. I'll make up a bed on the couch for you."

"Dude, okay, I know you're like, trained to help people but seriously, I don't even know why I came here, it was the only house with the lights still on..."

"Look, I can't keep you here against your will, Friend. But I can't in good faith let you walk out there like this. Please. Let me help."

He must have heard the desperation in my voice because this time, he did look straight at me. It was only then, it seemed, that he realised he was buck naked.

"Oh god...I'm sorry. Oh geez, I flashed a vicar..."

"Well, my ten year old son helped undress you, so I guess we're even."

He looked at me as if I was bonkers, before he choked back a laugh. My heart fluttered. Gosh, he was so, so beautiful when he smiled...

"What about your wife? She didn't have a very high opinion of people like me..."

"She's in bed sleeping off her hangover. Yes, I'm a vicar and my wife gets drunk some days. What can I do? She's Thomas's mother. He loves her. I...I dunno why I'm telling you all of this, I'm sorry."

"After all this? Bathing me? Feeding me? Listening to you is nothing."

His eyes sparkled.

I suddenly felt a very unknown surge inside my trousers. Not since Tommy had my penis gotten so hard for a man...

"I'll give you some space. Feel free to use the soap and shower gel, and there are fresh towels in the basket over there. I'll leave you some warm clothes outside the door," I said with conviction, just to get the hell out of there.

As I closed the bathroom door behind me, I could hear him moving inside the water, no doubt washing himself...or was he jacking off...GET A GRIP, JOSH! You're a vicar! A man of God!

* * *

Thomas was an absolute star as he had laid out a semi feast of food for our guest as I returned from leaving warm, clean clothes for the homeless guy outside the door. Not only had he carved three slices of pot bread, but he also warm up some leftover soap from that afternoon.

"Thanks buddy. You should get some sleep, you have school tomorrow."

"When are you coming to bed? Or are you gonna sleep with Mommy?"

That wasn't an option in Jen's current condition.

"I'll be there in a minute. Just wanna make sure our guest has enough to eat. Okay?"

"Okay. Night Daddy," Thomas said and gave me a very tight hug. I hugged him back, and kissed his crown.

"Night buddy, love you."

As Thomas disappeared inside his room, I saw the homeless man behind me, all washed up and clean. His hair shone in the bright living room lights, clean and fresh, hanging wet on his shoulders. He was wearing the shirt, sweatpants and warm hoodie I had left him outside the bathroom.

If I didn't know it before, I certainly did now. He was stunningly beautiful. I mean...he could be a model, or even an escort. Seeing him in decent, everyday clothes, made me all warm and fuzzy on this cold winter's night.

"I cleaned up as best I could. You can check if you want."

"Don't be silly. The food is ready, come and tuck in," I said smilingly, which he returned.

I never saw someone wolf down bread and soup as fast like he did. It was like it was his last meal on this green Earth.

"It's funny, I don't even know your name."

"I don't have a name. Everyone calls me Patches."

"How does that work? You must have a name, surely?"

Patches looked up from his meal and pointed towards the scars on his knuckles.

"Never had one. Never had parents I knew of. Been on my own since I could remember. Staying on the streets, I always have to defend myself. These babies are often drenched in patches of blood, therefore the name just stuck. Patches."

I waited until he finished his meal and suddenly he stood up, placing his plate inside the basin.

"Look, Vicar..."

"You can call me Josh."

"Okay, Josh. I'm thankful, don't get me wrong. You showed me more kindness than anyone has in months. But I can't stay here. You know I can't. Your wife hates people like me, and the last thing I wanna do is cause you trouble."

"But..."

Patches closed the distance between us and stood very close before me. He bend down slightly to look into my eyes. I shuddered as he placed his right hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed it.

"But nothing. I'll be okay, especially now that I have some decent clothes. I don't belong here, I belong out there. Thanks for everything."

He surprised me by pulling me into a gentle, but firm embrace, his arms encircling my back. The warmth of this man filled my lungs with air, my brain with oxygen and my heart with...

Slowly, I reached up with my own arms and hugged him to me. God. I could have sworn I heard him sigh in sheer content.

"Are you really gonna be okay out there?" I whispered, still inside his embrace.

"You saved my life. I promise I will be," came the soft reply.

He slowly released me, his eyes once more drilling into mine.

"See ya, Josh," he said, again with that killer smile.

My throat was swollen, I couldn't get the words out I desperately wanted to say. Tommy aside, this was the only time a man had EVER made me feel like THIS.

Before I could compose myself, Patches was gone. As if he simply had never existed.

But I knew he did. And he was very, very real.

I sunk down at one of the kitchen chairs and just stared at the back door. Regret shone over me. I should have pushed harder to have him stay, and I knew it.

Would I ever see him again?