My "Straight" Neighbor

“Then turn the fuck around and let me have my way.” His words sent chills down my spine, a feeling I could no longer fight. He had me, used me– in any way he wanted.

And I liked it.

I was kicked out by the time we were done, another excuse about not wanting to be found out. I understood but… there was a part of lurching during that walk of shame, a part of me begging it didn’t have to be that way. Yet I walked home all the same, allowing him to control me all the same.

But my thoughts never won. My thoughts never spoke freely. It was always him, only him.

Days passed as my thoughts turned– spiraled. We had sex that first time on a Sunday, that second time on Monday. And our lives went on as normal; kind of. I found myself obsessing over it, over him; we had sex Thursday night after happy hour and Saturday night after drinking.

And now it was Sunday again, a whole week of me non-stop thinking of this man a few buildings over.

I couldn’t help but think of my own regression that morning, sipping on freshly brewed coffee in my living room. I came back home out and proud. It took me years to come to terms with it, years to feel confident in it. But here I am, letting this man push me in a hole– back in that damn closet.

I mean, I had a damn boyfriend for fucks sake. I had someone I loved, or at least I thought I did. But at least I was there in that place– in a place where loving another man was okay, where I was okay. And I’m not trying to say I was in love with Denver, no. In love with our sex maybe, but that’s only sex; and sometimes that’s enough– and sometimes… it’s not.

See, I came back to Maryland fixed– unbroken. My family knew, some old friends knew. But ultimately I needed a fresh beginning.

At first I thought these four people could’ve been just that. A new group of people for me to live a life with, get away from my parents and be an adult again. But instead, I was regressing; really regressing.

I know I don’t know them that well, but I’m already tired of lying– omitting or whatever I was doing. Did Denver ever ask me to not be myself? No. All he asked is that I kept a secret. But I realized now that this stupid fucking secret, was crushing me– having it’s way with me in the same way Denver would.

When Roman asked me on Thursday, “So Max, any hot babes to tell us about?” His eyebrows bobbed at me. The girls were already supplying us with a steady stream of drinks, the alcohol already working but I played it well.

My cheeks lit up, my eyes diverted to Denvers. “No.” I said, cursing under my breath that I couldn’t just speak freely.

“Oh come on, stop holding out on us.” Denver patted my back, a wicked smirk on his face.

I glared at him out of sight from Roman, “No one,” I spoke to both of them, “seriously.”

And that’s how conversations like that normally go. Even the girls have asked me, but typically they do in private; giving me an easier out then when Denver intervenes and makes a fool out of me. Go ahead, remind me why I like him again?

But that still didn’t stop me from having him over that same night, letting him ravish me; wanting to worship him. I was sick, I knew it.

And don’t even get me started on the Emily situation. It comes and goes with the flirts from her, typically only when Denver is around. But I knew what was happening, I knew I was just a pawn in a game of chess they were playing. I’d asked Denver about it, but he doesn't give straightforward answers. I’ve thought to ask Emily, but that would raise too many questions.

I felt lost. Stolen. Taken by the reins from a guy who didn't care.

Was it just sex? Meaningless, cold– extraordinary sex? Or could it be more? I guess I wouldn’t know unless I opened my damn mouth.

So I drew my phone that very morning, a surge of confident anger pulsing through me; and texted him.

We need to talk.

I went and took a long shower, debating how I’d put this to him; convincing myself I was willing to give this up– give him up.

With a towel around my waist I saw his response. Craving more already?

I fought the tug of a smile, Can you meet me? I skipped to the point, over the games.

I can be over in twenty. He replied.

And I kept it at that, not wanting to fall under his spell of flirting; his magic that so easily swayed my opinion. This time, I’d speak my mind– I had to.

Around twenty minutes passed before a knock on my door sent a blood curdling ripple through me. It was now, it was time. I opened the door to greet his presence.

He smirked at me, “A little early, don’t you think?” I still hadn’t learned the art of fighting the blush that ran so immediately to my cheeks, but turned and allowed him in; locking the door.

“We need to talk.” I said.

He pulled out a stool from my kitchen island, taking a seat and looking at me with tired eyes. “You mentioned.”

I swallowed thickly, that confidence draining under his gaze. I went to speak what I wanted, I just couldn’t. Instead I said, “Do you want some coffee? You look tired.”

He chuckled, “Sure.” So I rounded the island and began pouring him a cup from the already half full pot.

My back was turned to him, I couldn’t look at those eyes; “Cream and sugar?” I asked with a hefty inhale. But as I reached for my sugar jar, I felt it, those hands wrapping around my waist.

My body stiffened in place, my hands frozen in place. His breath lingered in my ear, “No sugar, only cream.” The whisper tingled down my neck.

I took a deep breath, setting down the mug; I can do this.

I turned to face him, our hips now together, his hands still on them. And I watched as his smirk disappeared, the lust leaving his eyes as I said; “I can’t keep this secret anymore.”

“What?” He backed away, a grimace on his face.

I sighed, “I mean– I can’t do the lying anymore, the secrecy.” His eyes fell heavy, brows furrowed. “I… I’m gay Denver, if you haven’t noticed. But all your friends– my friends, they think otherwise.”

“I never asked you to lie to them.” he retorted, leaning his back against the island in front of me, arms folded.

My eyes rolled involuntarily, my heart cracked a tiny bit; “No. You didn’t.” I ran a hand through my hair, “But if they know I’m gay, you wouldn’t come over anymore. Things would be different between us. You know that.”

“Who says?” He shook his head.

I laughed an unfriendly laugh, “Don’t act dumb Denver.” I shook my head too, “You don’t think it would raise questions? All the time we spend together? Us disappearing?”

His jaw tightened, “So what are you saying?”

“Im saying,” I sighed again, averting my gaze to the floor; “I wanna be myself again. I wanna be me again. And right now, these games you play with me are–”

He cut me off, “Who the fuck said you couldn’t be you?” My eyes snapped to him, he was angry– I could tell. “Me? I said that?” He scoffed, bouncing off the island and pacing away; “So I’m to blame for you not feeling yourself? That’s it?”

“I’m not blaming you.”

He laughed, “But you are.” He turned, “These games I’m playing?”

His rage drifted to me, his words playing me– again. “Yeah. The games you’re playing.” I walked up to him, “I want my friends to know who I am. I want my friends to know who I’m fucking. But they can’t. And that’s your fault.” I seethed through my teeth.

“Get the fuck outta my face.” he pushed at my shoulder dismissively, throwing his hands up to the air in a shrug; “Then go fuck someone else.”

He was on his way to the door, “Fine.” And he turned back to me with his hand on the doorknob, a look in those emerald eyes that I hadn’t seen before.

“Fine.” And he was gone.

I stared blankly at the door for a moment, only hurt and rage consuming me. But it didn’t take long before I regretted everything, my anger turning inwards– blaming myself.

“Fuck!” I yelled and kicked at my bar stool, knocking it to the ground with a thud. I threw my head in my hands, yanked at my hair in frustration. “Fuck.”

That Sunday was hard hitting to say the least. Yeah, I’ve known the guy for a week; but if you know anything about gay culture– you’d know what I mean when I say… I fucking fell for him.

I did. I really did.

The pool for us has always been small, smaller here than in Arizona. I’d never found someone who I could so easily be comfortable around, could so easily submit to; someone I could so easily fall for. And I fell hard.

He was on my mind the rest of the day, at the gym, at the grocery store– everywhere. But I knew I had to be strong, knew if I wanted some normalcy; I’d have to be me. Be Max.

And I had no clue what he may have said to the others, if he said anything at all. But I didn’t let that bother me, I couldn’t– not right now. So I stayed to myself for the day, ignoring texts and an invite from Emily to go out. I wanted to, they’d become my friends; all of them. Leah and I especially had gotten close over the week. If the girls weren’t working the same shift, Leah took the morning and Emily took the night; which left Roman, Leah, Denver and I often.

For the first time in the week, I went to bed… satisfied. Not in the fulfilled way of being taken by him, railed by him– but in a way that felt healing. A way that felt me.

It was the following Tuesday before I saw any of them again.

I wrapped up work and hit the gym as usual, surprised when I didn’t see the four congregated at the pool. So I went home, showered; and finally took the step of communication.

What’re y'all up to tonight? I texted Leah, knowing her and Emily had off Tuesdays.

I didn’t have to wait long. Omg Max has returned! We’re actually getting ready to go out, wanna join?

I do. I replied.

Okay. Meet us here in like thirty, we’re going to Fed Hill. She responded.

I smiled, I haven’t been there in forever. Sounds good.

My outfit for the night wasn’t particularly special, just some ripped dark jeans and a fitted white top; white shoes and a tan jacket. In the mirror I looked great, but inside my belly swarmed. What would I do when I see them? When I see him? Will I be acting natural, spilling the beans? I guess the night will only tell.

I walked over to the girls apartment around eight thirty, knocked on the door and was greeted by Emily. “Okay, Max!” She looked me up and down, “You sure clean up well.”

I laughed, walking in and hugging her; “I’m not always in shorts.” I teased my own style, even though shorts are the most comfortable; it’s just not the vibe for clubbing. Their living room was empty, “Where is everyone?” I asked.

“Boys will be here soon, come here.” She guided me towards her room where Leah was finishing her make-up at a vanity set. Still her arm clasped around me, a common ground for us at this point. “We’re about to be ready.”

“Hey Max!” Leah chirped, mascara in her hand; making that funny face girls make when applying it. I waved, taking a seat on Emily’s bed.

Emily already looked ready, but I guess she had accessories to add as she began pulling on rings and necklaces. “There better be cute boys out tonight.” She insisted while checking herself out in the mirror, then shooting me a flirtatious smile.

A flutter went through me, not from her obvious flirt; but from what I wanted to say. Back in Arizona, I’d agree; I’d join in that conversation. But here, now… my throat went dry.

“Stop acting like you aren’t gonna try screwing Denver.” Leah laughed, but clammed up after a menacing look that Emily shot her. “Shit.” She looked at me, then back to her friend. My eyes widened, eyebrows up. So the truth comes out– finally.

Emily sighed in defeat, “Okay, I’m sure Denver’s told you anyways. You guys share secrets just like we do.” Little did she know, “But yes, Denver and I have a… long and complicated history.”

I intervened, “I’ve heard.”

“I fucking knew it.” She whipped to me, rolling her eyes; “That boy can’t keep anything to himself.” Well wasn’t that the biggest lie. I laughed nervously, Leah and I sharing looks; “But whatever, I’m pretty sure he’s screwing someone else anyways.”

She turned back to the mirror, but I had to ask. “Why do you say that?” My heart rate spiked.

She groaned, turning to Leah then back to me, then back to the mirror. Another huff, “Well,” she started, “I don’t know, we were hooking up pretty often after we broke up.” Then she turned to me again with a pointed finger. “You keep this to yourself Max.” I nodded and she continued, “But recently he’s shown like zero interest so… there must be someone else. Right?”

“Definitely.” Leah agreed with her, “Denver’s a walking horndog, everybody knows that.”

Emily threw her hands up, “That’s what I’m saying.” She huffed again, fixing her hair; “So whoever this bitch is needs to get off my man.” Her words stung, hit me like a ton of bricks.

I stood from the bed, “I’m gonna opt out of this one.” They laughed, agreeing I was probably uncomfortable with the guy talk. And they weren’t completely wrong. So I walked down the hall to the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a sigh.

I am that “bitch” she so called it. Me. Max. My stomach lurched at the thought of her laying awake at night trying to figure out what’s wrong, trying to understand why Denver lost interest. And the answer was in front of her face, across the fucking street– in her fucking apartment.

I felt sick.

But there was a loud knock on the door. “Max, can you get that?” Emily piped from her room.

“Yeah!” I answered back, walking sluggishly to the door to open it. I readied myself, took a deep breath. I can do this. And I opened the door.

There they were– there he was.

“Oh shit!” Roman grabbed my shoulder and squeezed, “I didn’t know you were coming Max.” And he walked past and down the hall.

Then there was us. Me and him. I hadn’t seen him since our talk– our argument. I swallowed my nerves as I met his eyes. “Hey.”

“Hey.” he walked past me, not afraid of bumping my shoulder on his way in. Damn. I took another deep breath, closing the door and turning to where he followed after Roman. “Denver.” I spoke up and he stopped, turned on a heel and looked at me with nothing in those eyes. I shook my head, waited for Roman to be out of sight before whispering, “Is me being here a problem?”

He cracked a smile, an unfriendly one; “Do what you want.” He shrugged.

I tensed my jaw with a step forward, “I don’t wanna go out with someone that hates me.” The words left a bitter taste in my mouth– hate. Is that what he felt?

“I don’t hate you.” He rolled his eyes, “You’re being overdramatic.” I took another step forward.

I parted my lips, but nothing came out. I didn’t know what to say. “I…” I sighed, “Emily told me about you two. Told me that she thinks you’re screwing someone else.”

He silently laughed with a cracked smirk, “Duh.”

My face fell flat, “Another girl?” I don’t know what I was asking. Maybe just trying to free myself of the guilt.

His eyes rolled again, “Wouldn’t you like to know.” I took another step, closing the far gap between us.

“Denver I feel responsible for…” I lowered my whisper even further, peered down the hallway; “Tell me that I’m not the reason.” I looked into those green eyes.

He smirked, “You want me to lie now, hm?” The color in my face drained. The guilt, the shame– it was too much. “You know damn well it’s because of you. Who’s acting dumb now?”

My heartbeat quickened, I could feel my eyes begin to sting. No, I would not let that happen, not here. “You’re such a fucking dick.” I spat at him.

He scoffed, checking the coast behind him before leaning again into my ear; “I’ve had some time to think.” He took a breath, “And for a second I felt bad for you.” He leaned back, looking me in the eyes. “Not anymore.” And he turned to walk down the hallway.

I thought about leaving, just bailing on the whole night. But I wasn’t going to let him ruin me, ruin what I wanted– what I needed. Fuck that. Maybe I overstepped, maybe I shouldn’t have asked such a stupid question. But he was acting like an adult baby. He didn’t get what he wanted and now I’m punished for it. Excluded for it.

Not on my watch.

So eventually I joined them all in Emily’s room and kept the status quo, just avoiding any and all conversation with him. And soon, it was time to head out.

Leah claimed that she’d be DD, said she had to work the following morning and she shouldn’t drink that much. So us five piled in her car and I made sure that Emily sat in between Denver and I in the back.

It didn’t take long to get to the city and before I knew it, we were walking the streets and entering a club with neon lights. “Drinks!” Emily cheered, guiding my way to the bar like she knew the place like the back of her hand, and she might’ve.

I opened a tab for myself, I don’t think I could get through the night without some type of inebriation. I left the bar top with my gin and tonic in hand, observing the crowd of young adults dancing and talking. Hip hop blared through speakers, everyone was trying to talk over it. “Gonna find a date?” Leah yelled in my ear.

I turned to her, leaned in her ear and yelled; “I don’t know.” Still trying to act normal. Though I wasn’t going to force myself to talk to a girl again, not for Denver; not for anybody. If I found a date tonight– it would be a man.

“What’s your type? I’ll help you search!” She yelled back to me, already trying to buzz herself before she had to sober up and take us home.

At that moment, I was done lying. Done pretending.

I smirked, happy with myself; “Tall and handsome.” She reared back to meet my eyes, eyebrows knit together. I shrugged.

“Wait…” she didn’t need to yell, I could read it off her lips; “Are you gay?” I nodded my head, searching the crowd for a potential suitor. “That’s fucking awesome!” She yelled into my ear, grabbed my hand and pulled us towards a back door where people congregate to smoke.

The air was chilling, “What?” I asked her.

She shook her head in disbelief, “Are you like, fucking with me?” Her eyes wide. I shook my head no as she looked even more confused, “But you never said anything?”

“You never asked.” It was a half-lie. There were many times they’d asked questions that could’ve solicited the truth, just never the question.

She smiled, “I guess you’re right.” And she hugged me, squeezing tight. “Am I the first you’re telling?” She backed away, “Cause I don’t think Emily knows this.”

I laughed too, “Out of you four, yes.” Another half-lie, “It takes me a little to be comfortable enough to say it. You can understand that, right?”

She nodded, smiling ear to ear. “This is the best news I’ve gotten all week. I knew we liked you for a reason.” She grabbed my hand to drag me back inside but I stopped her.

“Wait.” she turned back to me, “Roman and Denver…” I paused, “How will they feel?” But really I was just asking about Roman.

She laughed again, “Wait you don’t know?” I furrowed my brows, “Roman’s brother is gay,” she shook her head in assurance; “and Denver. I don’t think Roman would consider him his best friend if he wasn’t cool with it.”

I smiled this time, a true real smile. “Okay.”

“Okay!” She held out her beer glass, to which I clinked my rocks glass to; “To Max!”

“To me.” We smiled and gulped at our drinks.

After returning inside, a boost of confidence fell over me. Leah knew, and she was cool with it– more than cool with it. I had no doubt Emily would feel the same, Roman had a gay brother and Denver… well I knew he didn’t care. I figured Leah would spread the news for me and I didn’t care if she did. That’s just less work I have to do.

But still, as I said; our pool is small. And it's hard to point a gay man out in a room filled with people. Well, if they’re anything like me. Now don’t get me wrong, I hold no hatred for the flamboyance; it’s just not for me.

So as I got drink after drink, alcohol coursing through my veins; the potential list of suitors just grew and grew. Likely none of them were gay, but all of them were hot. And I learned in college how to handle rejection. I had no problem with asking.

There was a man surrounded by a group of girls, bouncing and dancing and not staring at any of them. Possibly a friend? Possibly gay. I wouldn’t know unless I asked. I put on a brave face and shimmied my way over, making direct eye contact a few times. He was built, taller than me; darker than me.

I finally got next to him, “Hi.” I smiled at him.

“Hi.” he smiled back, our eyes doing more of the talking.

I leaned into his ear. “I like your shirt, fits you well.” He laughed, mouthing a thank you before leaning into my ear.

“I’d have to say the same.” Well this was going well, except I noticed how his eyes darted across the room every so often, meeting mine and smiling again. Maybe I was too drunk to care, or too drunk to notice at first but eventually I followed where he looked.

A brooding Denver posted in the distance, leaning against the bar with a blonde girl around his arm. “Do you know him?” He asked me after I looked.

I rolled my eyes, “Sorta.”

“Well, he hasn’t stopped looking at you. And he’s fine as hell.” I found it weird that he’d be offering another guy in the distance to me over himself, but I just rolled my eyes again.

“He’s straight.” I lied, “He’s probably looking at one of your friends.” I motioned to the girls around us. He nodded his head, but didn’t stop looking over my shoulder here and there. And I got to say, even though Denver royally pissed me off– really hurt my feelings. I took pride in thinking he really might be looking at me– might be jealous.

So I slung an arm around the shoulder of this random man, “What’s your name by the way?” I asked him.

“Corey. You?” Our lips were inches apart, his free hand now around my waist.

I smirked, “Max.” And I licked my lips, relishing in the burning desire within my pants. Was it for this guy? For Corey? Or was it for Denver? I didn’t care.

I pressed my lips to his, letting the warmth of him seep into me; letting me be me– finally.

He broke away, “Do you have plans later?” I shook my head. “I live like ten minutes from here, did you wanna come over?”

I smiled, “Sure.” And he excused himself to close his tab at a different bar top. And I remembered I should probably do the same.

The liquor must’ve taken its toll the past few minutes, shit I couldn’t even remember how many drinks I had; or where my friends were. But I made it to the bar top, leaning my elbows on the table and waited for the bartender. “Maxxx!” Emily and Leah appeared from out of the blue.

I smiled at them, wonky and clearly drunk and dazed. “Emily, have you found a man yet?” I’m unsure why that was the first thing from my lips. They both laughed but Leah grabbed my arm.

“We saw you over there with that guy…” they’re smiles grew with mine and I knew Leah had told Emily; “He’s cute.”

I locked eyes with Leah, “Very.” But I could see the color drain from her face a little, her smile fade.

“How many drinks have you had?” She asked me, questioning me like a mother.

I shrugged, “Who cares?” I turned to the bartender who was passing, “Tab please!”

“Oh he’s drunk drunk.” I heard her speak to Emily as if I weren’t there.

I turned to them with a look of irritation, “So what?” So what if I was drunk? So what if I was finally having a good time? I was free– I was me.

“Maybe we should get home?” Emily patted my arm in concern.

I pulled it away from her, “I wish you'd stop touching me.” And her face fell too. “I’m going to Corey’s place tonight.” I returned my gaze to the bartender who sat my card and receipt on the table. Eight fucking drinks, Jesus Christ.

“Okay absolutely not.” Leah piped up, “First off, don’t speak to her like that and second off, you aren’t going home with anyone but us in this condition.” She was mothering me again.

I scoffed, signing my bill and shoving my card in my pocket. “Max does what Max wants.” My words were crazy slurring as I spun towards them, looks of angry concern on their faces.

“I’ll get Roman, stay here.” Leah whispered, but I heard it.

I rolled my eyes again, I wasn’t a child. “Leah, just let me have some fun, will ya’?” I snarled.

“I’m Emily.” Her eyes widened as she gripped my arm stronger, “And we’re friends. Friends don’t let friends act like this.”

I laughed, “Denver gets to act however he wants.” I spat.

She shook her head, “Where is this coming from?” But Leah and Roman returned before I could answer– before I said something really stupid.

“Oh buddy.” Roman laughed and put an arm around my shoulder. “Who’s the special guy?”

I smiled, finally someone who gets it; “He’s over there somewhere.” I pointed to nowhere in particular.

“Corey right?” I perked up to his name. I nodded, “I know Corey, good guy. He’s waiting outside for you, come on.” And he led me to the front doors.

“Thank you man.” I slurred again, “The girls just don’t get it.” I admitted, feeling grateful in the moment for Roman’s understanding.

“All good brother.” He cooed in my ear as we exited the building, stepping into the fresh air. “Denver, handle this please. I’m taking the girls home.”

Suddenly my eyes popped, my senses rushed back. Denver was standing in front of me, arms crossed.

“What the fuck?” I stepped back but he grabbed me, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Denver smirked down to me, hands tight against my wrists. “Handling you.”

I shook my head, grimacing at him. “Absolutely not. Let go of me.”

“Why?” He tilted his head, “So you can make a fool of yourself? So you can follow some stranger home?” His voice was dangerously close.

I pushed at him, “Why do you care? Why do any of you care?” I felt trapped again, not me again.

“Because the girls are worried. Roman’s worried.” I kept shaking my head, kept trying to get away from him. “I’m worried.”

And I stopped the struggle, went rigid in my skin and looked at him; the world spinning around him.

“You don’t care about me.” I spoke what I thought was the truth. I didn’t care if it made me look stupid, didn’t care if it hurt his feelings. It was true.

He gripped tighter, “Not true.”

And my eyes started to burn, my legs began to melt. “Please,” I looked down, done fighting. “Just let me go.”

“But the uber’s already on its way.” I groaned at his words, at his voice. That voice that struck a chord in me that he had no business striking. “And you’ll be paying me back for it too.”

I flung my head up, looking into those emerald eyes. The fight may have fled but my hurt, my anger– that was still there. “More payment?” I spat at him. He smirked at me, he had control over me. “Corey said you were staring at me. Is that true?”

He laughed, “Will you calm the fuck down?” I settled my nerves, laxed my shoulders and nodded. “Yes, it’s true.”

“Why?” I demanded.

Now he rolled his eyes, “So many questions tonight.”

“Answer me.” I demanded again.

He sighed, easing the grip he held me with, those eyes of his swirling to something else. “Because I didn’t like that you were talking to that guy.” He admitted, really admitted in a whisper.

But I still scoffed, “That’s just brilliant.” my words were menacing, “You? Jealous? Of me?”

He gripped me tighter again, “Is that so hard to believe?” He used that tone again, his head tilted with a smirk on his lips.

I swallowed, taking a shaky breath; “Jealous of your secret? What sense does that make?” I spat at him, I didn’t care what I said at that point. I’d speak my mind– all of it.

“Maybe none. Maybe all of it.” He cocked his head to the other side, “I didn’t realize I needed permission to be jealous.” He breathed.

I sucked at my lips, tensed my jaw; “I told you how I felt, and you didn’t care.” My voice came out small, tiny. “You’re not allowed to care now.” His smirk faded, his eyes dropped. “I just wanted to be me again, Max fucking Harrison. And you took it from me. You didn’t let me have that. You stole it, you twisted it.” His eyes swirled with sorrow, I could tell he started to feel bad. I didn’t care. “I don’t know what the fuck you are Denver. Gay or bi or whatever the fuck. But I know what I am. And you tried to control it.”

The world fell silent around us, the night air; the streetlights– it didn’t exist right now. It was just me and him, my eyes and his.

He took a shaky breath, “I’m sorry.”

I wanted to keep going, I wanted to be mad. But those words came and I didn’t expect them. Since when did Denver apologize?

He gripped tighter, shaking me slightly; “I’m sorry, okay.” His heat radiated through me, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”

Three times. He said it three times. I’m sorry.

“Just take me home.” I breathed out, done with this conversation.

I could feel the way he wasn’t done though, the way he craved to explain more. Maybe he was sorry, maybe he did mean it. But he said what he said, did what he did.

“Okay.” He let me go, staring at me as I decided if I should run or not. But I didn’t, I couldn’t.

We stood in silence as we waited for the uber. Sat in silence inside the uber. And when we arrived at our complex, we got out and stared silent even more.

I breathed heavily, the intoxication well subsided. I mean– I was still drunk, but not to the extent of earlier. “Okay, goodnight.” And I brushed past him.

“No, thank you?” He questioned from behind me. I kept walking, flicking him off as I went. “No, I accept your apology?”

I turned at my lobby door, realizing he’d followed me there. “Thank you.” And I walked inside, he still followed me. I walked the stairs, he was right behind me. I fumbled for my keys, he was still behind me.

“Looking for these?” He dangled my keys in front of his face. I went to snatch them but he held them above his head. “Now I wanna talk.” My eyes met his.

“About what?” I seethed.

“About us.” He cooed, and I’d be lying if I said the rage hadn’t faded, if instead– my heart melted. Us?

I rolled my eyes, “Fine.” And he unlocked my door for me, us both entering my quiet apartment. When the door shut and we were truly alone, I asked; “What?”

“Is sorry not enough for you?” He shook his head. I just continued to roll my eyes, it seems I’ve been doing that a lot around him. “What do you want from me?”

I stopped in my tracks and turned to face him, “I want some fucking space.”

“Not gonna happen.” He was deadpanned, serious in all aspects.

I knit my brows together, looked him up and down; “You realize you’re in my apartment, right?”

He nodded, “And you realize I won’t be leaving until we resolve this, right?” He retorted.

We were both stubborn, both wanting the same thing but both equally irritated with each other. If I wanted space, why couldn’t he accept that? Why bug me? Why annoy me?

“Denver,” I was exhausted with fighting, exhausted with defending; “I’m going to put the truth out there. Right now.”

He nodded, his hands in the air; “Please do.”

I took a heavy breath, “I like you. So there. Is that you fucking wanted? I like you Denver. But you’ll never like me, not like that– not the way I want. And now everyone knows I’m gay. They’re cool with it, awesome. But what about you? Are you gonna hang around a faggot now? Go over to his apartment late at night? I highly fucking doubt it.” My breathing was uncontrollable.

He looked confused, hurt even– before saying; “But I’m here right now.”

I shook my head, “You know what I mean.”

“Are you gonna let me speak?” He asked, “I let you.” So I nodded and he continued. “And you’re wrong.” He shook his head, “I do like you, isn’t that obvious? Is it the way you want? Well I don’t know what you fucking want. So what the hell?” he threw his hands in the air. “Am I out? No. Am I ready? No. But I do like you. So stop saying I don’t.”

The room fell quiet, we just stared.

I finally said, “Okay.”

“Okay?” He knit his brows.

I breathed out, “I accept your apology.” I admitted. If that’s the truth, if he’s telling the truth. Did I expect him to come out overnight? Love me overnight?

He swallowed, concern in his eyes. “Why do I get the feeling you don't?”

“I do.” I said, walked up to him; just a foot away. “If everything you just said is true. I do.”

A small smirk threatened his lips, “I’ve only told the truth with you.” And to that I smiled too.

I was surprised with the hug he wrapped me in, the tender; caring hug I melted into. He was warm, he was it– all I ever wanted. Why did this seem too good to be true?

He pulled away and lifted my chin with his hand, “Do I get to kiss you now?” I smiled, nodded– and he planted his lips firmly into mine, his hips grazing over mine. I felt it all.

I wrapped my hands around his neck, he pulled me close. It was happening all over again, a repeat from nights before but I didn’t care. This time I knew what I was dealing with, this time I knew who he was– and who I was. This is what I wanted.

He is who I wanted– Denver.